Lightening the Mood: Punny Ostomy Jokes

Hi, my pop had colostomy surgery yesterday, and when I go see him, I want to not make it a big deal and walk in with a funny ass joke (hahaha pun not intended but also definitely intended) to lighten his mood and help ease thoughts and feelings about it a little because it really isn't a big deal in comparison to the lateral being cancer remaining in your bowel/colon.

Please tell me any and all funny ostomy jokes, harmless and crude. I want ideas for something hilarious. You can't be mad about it. Either way, I'm taking the risk of offending him with the spirit of lightening the subject for him and hopefully making him see it in a different light. Or is it too fresh? Nah, I feel it's a hopefully uplifting, harmless, and more positive attitude and energy to have about it toward someone who might be having a shit time mentally. Lol, oops...

Why can you always trust people with colostomy bags?
They're the only people you know aren't full of shit!

I started selling bagpipes made from colostomy bags on Amazon
Needless to say, they sound like shit.

What's the most difficult thing for a woman with a colostomy?
Finding shoes to match her bag.

When the doctor told me having a colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.
But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

My grandpa has it pretty rough; he has to use a colostomy bag and his forgetfulness can be a burden on his daily life.
Every now and then he just loses his shit.

I had a colostomy bag joke
But it was shit

Today I learned there are some things you shouldn't slap the shit out of.
One of them being, a colostomy bag.

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This guy was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life, she will require round-the-clock care and you will be her caregiver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon-fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

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Don't shoot the messenger...........I hijacked these off Google! Blame the internet!

;o)

:o)

Loved them. Keep them going.

Open up Discussions and go down to Just for Laughs. There are pages. One of my favorites is: What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer. The taste.

Is that all you've had done? I was getting worried. I thought you had something serious wrong with you. Don't let those nurses take advantage of you. They will try and use you to see if it's true about bag men being big down under, as only having 1 bowel makes the muscles work even harder.

On a heavier note and I usually hate heavier notes - Following my ileostomy surgery, I did not wish to see anyone - and if someone had walked in joking, as much as I love a good laugh, at that time I would have strangled them with all the tubes hanging out of my body and quite possibly a few needle stabs as well. However, it depends on each individual and you should be prepared to react in the way you "read" him - hugs and humor or hugs and a sympathetic ear. Ask yourself, "Is he ready for humor or is he prepared to murder visitors on sight?"
In any event, hug him and mention my name Shitboygan jb.

Hi Georgia, you've received some funny suggestions here. If you want to arm yourself with ostomy humor before visiting your dad, but just be aware, he might not be receptive to these kinds of jokes right now. Try to get a feel for how he's feeling, physically and emotionally, before you decide. Right after surgery, I was in a foul mood and didn't see much to laugh about at all. I was in physical pain, but I was also angry and fearful of what had suddenly happened to me. Mine was an emergency surgery, so I wasn't expecting to become an ostomate. Your dad's situation may be different, but adjusting to his new reality may still be a challenge. It may take him some time to accept ostomy humor. Knowing he has your support and unconditional love might be all he needs right now.

Terry

You are sick, Bob. I mean, Google is sick, I guess. Laughed till I teared.

So true.. Good point. Georgia, you wanna impress your dad? Wear a bag for a week. Show him. Carry it around with you filled with water. Sleep with it. Wear your favorite outfit. Or try to. Yeah.. A lot of laughs when you own it.

Pick up a book by ostomate and comedian Brenda Elsagher. Although I haven't seen her perform in a long time, I believe she even has a website up now. Most bookstores carry her comedy, such as "I'd like to buy a bowel please."

Love ostomy bag and the matching shoes... hmmm, a product line? Maybe, maybe not.

Hmmm... maybe as a sideline... but don't quit your day job.

Somehow I just don't ever see ostomy bags being "fashionable". I'd say like diapers... but someone will tell me they have fashion diapers out there for those with more money than brains.

Now if you could find another use for an ostomy bag... you might be onto something. Like using it to hide your bills instead of keeping them in your wallet. Don't think a mugger would ever look in your shitbag for loot... or ask you to hand it over.

;O)