Dealing With Spousal Rejection After Surgery: Need Support

Hello folks:

I am new to this and it is the first time I have ever asked a question. Back in 2012, some surgery went wrong and I ended up with a punctured colon which resulted in a colonoscopy. Later it became an ileoscopy. After 166 days in the hospital, I was finally allowed to come home, but unfortunately the supplies they gave to me were awful and resulted in numerous accidents. At the time, my husband was very kind and supportive and he knew how frustrated, embarrassed, and humiliated I was each time an accident would happen. I was released from the hospital in January 2013 and I noticed he was becoming more and more distant. No more hugs, not a kiss goodnight, sex became nil unless he wanted me to please him, he wouldn't lay a hand on me anywhere. Still recovering and fairly weak, I wasn't thinking all that clearly so it actually took me until early 2014 before I started noticing all kinds of changes. That being ignoring my birthday, Valentine's, ignoring our anniversary, ignoring Christmas, but more importantly he discovered porn on the web and used that as a pastime. In the beginning, maybe once or twice a month and as time progressed the usage graduated. Since the beginning of December 2014, the usage has increased to about 3 times a day, morning, noon, and night, each episode lasting about 2 hours or more. I should also add he is 68. I agree we all have needs, but when I would approach him at different times, I would constantly get "not now, later, don't bother me" and so on. I can honestly say it really hurts and after 40 years of marriage (which was not acknowledged either in August last year), I don't know what to think or do. I am sure anyone reading this might be confused because there are so many other details. Please feel free to comment or even ask questions. The rejection is more than I can handle. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it was not easy opening up. I truly feel ashamed of what is going on.

So sorry for your situation Jackiei.  I could only imagine how difficult it was for you to share with us.  I am in no way qualified to offer you advice but I know others, men and women have been rejected by their partners after medical traumas.  Seems pretty selfish and ceretainly violates that \"through sickness and health\" vow.  When all is said and done we sometimes have only ourselves to rely on and, sad as that is, the sooner we recognize it the sooner we can make the needed adjustments.  Counselling might be helpful; prayer is always good.  Keep sharing and I think there are some wise folks who can offer some help.

Respectfully,

Mike

Whatever happened, for better or worse?

I was going to stay out of this. But the "better or worse" comment changed my mind. There are many stories here and outside of the net world that are the same. Women do it also, it's not just men.

I am not sticking up for anyone, but if one really sits and thinks about things it's easier to understand how this happens. Usually when we get married we are young, hopeful, full of dreams and head-over-heels for the person we are committing our lives to. We really don't think about the "better or worse" aspect of anything. They are really just words we say because they belong to that moment. Even though at the time we honestly believe we can do it. We plan to make things better. No one has a smidgen of a thought that the worse could really be awful and they need to be prepared for it. For the most part, all we are really hoping is that things stay the same as they are, because, at that moment in time, they are perfect for us. As time goes on we get used to the person we have committed our lives to being there. After awhile you can't think of, or don't want to imagine, life without them. They become part of you. But we still grow and learn and change. Sometimes we grow together, sometimes we grow apart. Sometimes the changes can be merged into the life we have built for ourselves, sometimes the changes are just too drastic.

Dealing with a partner that has health issues makes it so much harder. No matter how much we love them, it's hard as hell. When it all first starts; you feel you will make it because of the love you have for each other. But as time wears on it chips away at those feelings. We are all only human. We are not gods. At least, I've never met anyone that fits that description so far in my life. The changes in our mate from healthy and vibrant to sick and not-so-much hurt the healthy partner just as much as it hurts the partner with the health issues. Dealing with sickness changes us both. Coping mechanisms for those changes are vastly different in each of us. It gets tiring to keep a smile on our faces. Yes, I meant faces, because it's hard for both parties involved at moments in their lives.

I am not the person I was before all this illness happened to me. I see myself changing to this day. Every time one more thing knocks me down I'm finding it harder to pick myself up. I do, but the spring in my step isn't quite so bouncy. So I don't know if the man who fell in love with me 30 years ago would love being with me today. I'm not so sure I love being with me today.

I have also worn the other shoe. Being someone's caregiver for a long period of time makes it very hard to remain that person's lover. It's practically impossible under some circumstances. The mental toll that develops is almost unbearable at times. If you decide to stay through each and every thing. It can break even the strongest.

There are weak people and there are strong people. Weak people can be strong and strong people can be weak. Life has a way of turning things around on us. Some of us can stay through it all, some cannot. Unless someone is a true, genuine ass from the get-go; I don't believe we have the right to judge that person as being one because they can't cope with changes they never wanted, expected or even had an inkling of an idea was a possibility.

Staying in a situation that you are not happy is never a good thing. Though it happens a lot because we get used to each other. It's easier to live with the known than the unknown. After a certain age we just don't want to start over. And sometimes, it's just a matter of hoping if we wait a little longer things will get better.

By-the-way. When all these wedding vows were first realized the average life-span wasn't that long. They were a lot easier to keep.

Now directly to Jackiei: I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling. You've been together for a long time to not be able to talk to each other and figure this out. I do not read anything that you should be ashamed, so I'm not sure what that is all about. I surely hope it's not the porn. It sounds like that is something you are having a lot of problem with because it's what you mention the most. I probably am not the best person to be responding to this because I see no problem with it. I'd have more of a problem with him ignoring all the important dates if he was never like this before. Honestly, if he can really get it up that many times in one day and for that long all I can say is WOW! I know way younger guys that say it's hard to do more than once the majority of the time.

Rejection is always hard to handle. I hope you've brought this up to him at some point. Most women would probably jump to the conclusion that he is either having an affair or wants out of the marriage. But I wouldn't agree. You need to talk, a lot. He's probably just as confused about everything as you are. And mad and scared and tired...

Don't be ashamed. You've done nothing to be ashamed of. You have quite a few reasons to be hurt. The porn is not one of them. If you don't sit down and talk this out, even if it takes more than one try, your only going to hurt more and he's going to keep pulling away. Whatever the outcome, at least you won't be wondering any longer and will be able to adjust your life accordingly.

Wishing you tons of good things. Z

To Jackie

Please may I take this opportunity to very gently correct you. You do not have a colonoscopy or ileoscopy - you have had a colostomy and later an ileostomy. The words ending in "oscopy" are merely the means by which your ailments were discovered. Please look up these words on the internet to get your facts straight.

I must say I think your husband is a complete b****** for the way he is treating you.

I think you should first of all read up on what you actually have had done to you, to make sure you collect all the correct information, then go to a Marriage Guidance place and discuss it with a knowledgeable person. Then make sure you get the proper supplies that do not leak, before asking your husband to accompany you to the next session.

If this does not work, then get a divorce, because if your husband does not apologize and have some empathy with your plight he is not worth living with.

That is my opinion. I have had an ileostomy since 2009 and it has made no difference whatsoever to our marriage of over 40 years.

Good luck...

Cecille, UK

Hi Jackie.

I really understand what you are going through. In September 2010, I ended up in the hospital, had 3 surgeries, a colostomy, and was sick for almost an entire year. During that time, my husband was almost obsessive about my care. He drove the nurses and doctors crazy and did not leave my side for even one day. Eventually, in 2013, I headed to Mayo Clinic to see about a reversal. They absolutely did not recommend one (lots of complications during the other surgeries), so that was that. He was very strange on the way home. That was in May. He acted like he loved me (we had been married 48 years). I got cards, presents, love words, the whole bit. And then on Thanksgiving, with all the kids home, he announced he was leaving. After 48 years. Whoa. To say we were all shocked is speaking mildly. He did not want counseling, he did not have any reasons that made any sense. I insisted he get to a neurologist on the advice of my attorney. After a battery of tests, he and I were told he was beginning some kind of dementia—even his intelligence has dropped. He refused to believe it and off he went. I stalled for a year before he got the idea I did not want a divorce. He finally filed. I did very well in the settlement—even his attorney recommended I be given the house. So financially, I am okay. The kids, even though adults, are still in shock. The grandkids pretend he doesn't exist.

Naturally, I went to counseling at once and am still going. I do not know why he left—although there are statistics about men in long-term marriages having to face illness in a spouse and then leaving as soon as they can.

Please try to get him to counseling—joint—so you know what is going on. I hope that will help and stop his behavior. That is pretty much all the advice I have. Hang in there, this is a terrible thing to deal with, and I will be praying that your situation turns out better than mine did. Our divorce was final one month to the day before what would have been our 50th.

I do take part on a site called First Wives World. The site and the women on it have been a great help to me during this past 3 years.

I will pray that your situation changes for the better. Hugs.

I live in England, my husband now lives in California with his mother and his new girlfriend because he couldn't handle me having to wear a bag and night drainage bag after my urostomy. Strangely enough, since then his girlfriend developed ovarian cancer and he had a heart attack. Karma.

I have been married for 24 years. My husband is 62. I had an ostomy for a year and a half, but it was reversed a few months ago. While my husband never ever liked looking at my belly (very squeamish), he would bring me anything I needed when I changed the bag. He also wiped my butt and washed clothes and blankets when it leaked and they were poopy, which was wonderful when I did not feel good. I found a good one, and anyone who would not do that for their spouse does not deserve to be married.

And sex is pretty good too, once I got over being embarrassed and he stopped being super cautious.

Oh dearest Jackie, when I got UC and was on 11 steroids a day, my partner of 7 years couldn't cope. He waited until 3 months later, just after my father died, to tell me 10 days after his burial that he couldn't take anymore, that he was having an affair (with a customer), leaving me! Of course, she only entertained him for 3 months. That was 7 years ago. Since then, I've been through a lot more than he would ever have guessed. Now I have a permanent ileostomy, with the final stage surgery just over 4 weeks ago. He is married now, happy I guess. Good luck to him.

I now realize it wasn't due to my illness that he didn't want to be with me. It was weakness of character on his part. He couldn't cope. Like your husband, all affection stopped, lovemaking became non-existent, and he started looking up porno sites (I discovered this on computer files after he'd gone off with this other woman). But you know what? That woman did me a huge favor because I could never have gone through all I've been through and survived carrying a guy like that on my back. I've come out the other side now. I've achieved so much. I've got my master's degree. I've set up Ethicsii, a non-profit organization. I'm in the early stages (1 month) of what I hope will be a wonderful relationship with someone who wants me with all my baggage! We are all on our own journey. Don't let your husband stop you from fulfilling yours. You don't have to carry him. You are destined to do great things with even greater people in your corner. Your husband is moving sideways, not moving on with you on your journey. Let him off! I did, and he moved sideways, not on! I've truly moved on. It was so tough, but so worth it. I highly recommend it. I'm the karma winner. You can be too, Jackie. I'm 55, by the way! Gigantic hugs and kisses! Your Irish Snowflake xxxx

Hi Jackie,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. It's bad enough to go through the illness and major surgery that, in your mind, has changed everything, and now to have to go through the difficulty of marriage, too.

It's possible to imagine that even without the ostomy and illness, you might still be going through this problem with your husband.

After 40 years of marriage, it is very difficult for most to make things as interesting and as passionate as it was when you first fell in love and in lust. A good marriage doesn't just happen. You have to work at it.

Sometimes situations need some spicing up. And for us ostomates, there are some pretty sexy undergarments that we can buy to not only hide our ostomy but to look sexy, too. I don't mean to say that our ostomy needs to be hidden, but camouflaging it with some sexy clothing can't hurt.

I have had very good luck finding intimate apparel specifically for ostomates at

Hi, I haven't been on the site for quite a while due to illness, but I'm still here so first hello to everyone.

I read your post and I read all the replies, imag, Zywie etc. I understand and get their point of view but I have a slightly different opinion. I'm not an expert or a counsellor just someone who has been to hell and back and still visiting the dark side!

I found three distinct things that stood out. I think you are very depressed and I understand that with all the health complications, pain, recovery, the stigma, the bag failures and then the lack of recognition and intimacy they are all interconnected. For instance, you may feel you're coping but you may be a different personality now. In fact, I would be shocked if you weren't. So I think before putting this on your husband, you should speak to your stoma nurse and ask for counseling. You have to grieve the loss of your old self and your other way of life. I think you will be surprised how affected you are and subconsciously you may have been giving "keep off the grass" signals!

Secondly, the porn isn't anything to be ashamed of or worried about. After another four major operations, long stays in ICU, chemo, and more to come, I actually gave my husband permission to go outside the marriage for satisfaction because of the amount and types of surgery I am now incapable of having sex, and find it frustrating to "pleasure my husband" and not get a flicker of feeling myself. He turned the offer down, but I would still allow him to if he wanted. He brought up the "for better or worse" portion of our vows, not me. For the record, we have just celebrated 36 years of marriage and 41 years together.

Thirdly, he may be depressed. When a person spends more and more time on the computer, they are finding an escape from their daily life, so don't be too harsh. If it wasn't porn (which doesn't mean he is 'at it' every few hours because I would be most surprised if he did), it might be a fishing site or some other outlet. He sounds as if he is scared to touch you in case he hurts you. Remember, he has seen you go through so much. Or he may be depressed but not know it or how to recognize it. I think you shouldn't take to heart the birthdays etc. After all, after so many happy years, it really is just another day. We stopped buying cards and presents for each other many years ago, and it wasn't because of something being wrong, it was just that we had everything we needed. We had a joint bank account, so really we were buying our own presents, and usually something we didn't need.

So I hope I have given you a different perspective. But before you tackle him, you really owe it to yourself and your marriage to examine yourself. I would add that I am one of those sickeningly happy people all the time. I found out a long time ago I had a choice to make every morning, I could wallow in self-pity (and that is somewhere I don't want to be) or I could choose to be thankful that I have another day of life and make the most of it. I choose to be happy, many people don't survive to be able to make that decision. So I open my eyes and I give thanks. Since I was last on the site, I have had to move to a lowest home suitable for a wheelchair and lots of other changes, I can't drive anymore. I am losing my sight but not my sense of humor, I have gained 25lbs because as well as the chemo I am on Dexmethasone, a powerful steroid, and Fentanyl patches. I can't do housework anymore, so I found someone reasonable and I have taken up craftwork and surprised myself how intricately I can work now. So for every negative, I try to balance the scales. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

Written with love, Lorraine Cooper (my membership ran out, I'm trying to work out how to renew it!)

So happy to hear from you on here, Lorraine! You couldn't have written a better reply. I know I get off on tantrums often. Basically, you said what I was attempting, only more to the point and easier to comprehend with excellent advice. Hugs, Z.

Jackie - What Lorraine said!

I have some other thoughts and certainly sadness about Jackiei\'s situation but I think the reflections and advice given here is priceless. Sure, we might have differing opinions about some aspects but there are many helpful, thought provoking messages here. Zywie\'s comment about sickness changing both parties says lots. I often wondered who suffered more; me with my cancers and stuff or my wife who cried with my pain and her inability to fix me.

Lorraine, you “choose” to be happy. Not everyone can do that successfully. Whether it\'s a function of strength or absence of, or other more complex human phenomena, you\'re one in about 7 billion like the rest of us. Unlike most of the rest of us you\'ve been through stuff we can\'t even imagine and you came out of it to make us all a little smarter and better off. Thank you!

Respectfully,

Mike 

Hi Lorraine. Nice to see you back here. It's been a while. Let me add my voice to iMac and Zywie's and say you are most welcome. Nothing but the best for you!

PB

Hi to Primeboy, iMag, and Zywie. Thanks, I know I get off sounding like the eternal optimist, but I have had to be that way for my husband's sake. If I sneeze, he's staring at me to see if I'm alright. I practically have to beg him to go out and give me some alone time, but it's because he cares. The problem is he has been under enormous pressure these last 18 months that he now has depression and some other problems that I won't share because it's personal to him. So if he asks how I am, my standard answer is good love!

That's very hypocritical, as iMag put it. Who has it worse, the person going through it or the partner feeling so helpless because they can't do anything or change anything? I think the spouse has it worse, to be honest. Have you noticed how people preface their conversation with (in our case) how's Lorraine going? How much more sensitive for someone to change it slightly to how are you managing, everything ok? I think just having someone ask helps with the stress.

I have had four more operations and extensive stays in an induced coma, so for me, I wasn't aware of anything. He was the one who sat beside my bed and held my hand through it, talking to an immobile unresponsive patient about our years together. It wasn't helped, albeit innocently on the part of the grandchildren, asking is Nanna going to heaven (Ruby told me afterwards that she has got another Nanna! Just not hands-on (my words) like me!! Lol)

So please don't take my comments outside of our situation because we all walk the path but take different journeys to get to the destination. I just felt when I read the post, I identified with the husband, and I can't say it is correct because I am not there, but the person concerned was very traumatized and without realizing it, feel that she is coping when the signals given say something different.

Well, that was long-winded! I will have to brush up on some of the younger generation's shorthand for messages. But it's good to be back, and I have missed everyone. Take care.

Z I would not say WOW!! I would say probably Viagra for self-use!!

Steveek1 - lolololololol; seems a bit of a waste though; but to each his own I guess. (Not making light of Jackiei's plight, but that was funny.) Thanks for the laugh.

I think I would give the man a medal and put him on the streets to bring in an income!

No offense meant but good on him!

LOL

Heeheeheeheeheehee! Thanks for the big smile first thing online today!

Hello jackiei.

Thank you for posting your problem on here as it must be difficult for you after such along marriage to share such things with 'outsiders'.  There have been some great replies so I'm not going to repeat what others have said so competently. Except perhaps to point out that one person mentioned ----'dementia'.  It got me thinking that nearly all the 'symptoms' you describe could be something as 'simple' as that. It might pay you to look it up and familiarise yourself with the signs and symptoms so that you can make a judgement  for yourself.  You say he is 68 years old. The chances are he is going through a few changes himself and probably doesn't know how to handle them.  Many people don't want to admit tthat they have this sort of problem and bottle it up inside. However, we all know that these things have a way of manifesting themselves in different forms especially if the person doesn't acknowledge and deal with it for what it is. You are in an ideal position to notice small (and big) changes in your husband's behaviour and attitudes because you have known what his personality has been like over many years. It may be that you are feeling vulnerable to him rejecting you because of your condition but what about if he is rejecting you because of his own condition?  I have seen it many times where a person feels that they don't want to be a burden to their partner so they make it easier for that partner to reject them by acting out of character and pushing them away physically and psychologically.  

On the other hand he might be just a right b------ and needs dumping. But for your own peace of mind it's probably worth exploring other possible explanations first. Counselling is a great idea but if 'he' has a problem he might not want to go down that route.  On a more personal note: I have never been one to recognise anniverseries of any sort and I certainly don't buy presents for other people -including my wife. I believe that people buy presents that 'they' like thinking that the other person will therefore like them too. Surely it's more logical to suggest that the person goes and buys a present for themselves that they will actually like.  At 68 perhaps he is just beginning to reflect on these sorts of things and is giving up on what is 'expected' of him in favour of doing what he wants to do. Because I have been this way all my life - my wife doesn't see many changes in me now I'm old and senile. We've been married about 47 years ( I can't remember exactly) and thankfully things seem to be getting better rather than worse in terms of our relationship in spite of the fact that physically we are probably not much different to yourselves. Fortunately we have found some 'neutral' activities that we are both interested in like nature-watching and gardening so the partnership has moved to a slightly different dimension than that of emotion, passion and lust. Dementia is talked about openly and somewhat humourously so we both know and accept that we are moving inevitably in that direction - but it is unlikely to make a negative impact upon the way we are with each other. If anything it is helping us to be more supportive rather than less.

I hope this has given you a slightly different perspective to ponder on 

Best wishes 

Bill

Hey Jackie, just wanted to tell you I\'m still thinking about you and your situation and hope things have gotten better for you.

Sincerely,

Mike

No, I've never been rejected because I'm too confident, to be honest... To me, it's just a bag that sits on your stomach and that's it. Just empty it and flatten it, and that's it. What stops you from doing anything that a normal person can? Nothing, just your mentality :) I'm 26 and not even married, and I still go out on dates. I can't anymore as I have a girlfriend now, but I've had around 3 girlfriends since my operation and not one has been bothered. I might have an ugly body, but some "normal" folks, if you like to call them that, have an ugly personality. So basically, no one is perfect. There is nothing to say you wouldn't get rejected just by having a birthmark on your face. Life is full of rejections, just take it on the chin like me and then move onto the next. Not everyone is a moron, haha!