Amusing Observations As An Ostomate: Funny Moments And Quirks!

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NJ Bain

I find that I no longer leave the toilet seat up.
I go number 2 faster than anyone I know.
I no longer get the urge to poop and don't have to worry about sh*tting my pants.
I miss farting.
I never run out of toilet paper.
When I drive behind a car when the battery discharges, past freshly laid mulch or when driving near a slaughterhouse, I get paranoid that my bag has sprung a leak.
If I ever get into a confrontation, I can always use the contents of my bag as a defense mechanism. I call it dirty mace.
I use a hairdryer after showers to dry my bag. Being a bald guy, I wonder if my landlady wonders why I'm using the hairdryer?

Just a few things that make me laugh. Please add to the list of things YOU'VE noticed.

Bain

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jaykay75

Love it! Made me laugh!

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Emra

I am choking on my evening tea! These were all great!!!! Keeping a sense of humor is so important.... in fact, I think it is key to healing physically and emotionally.

Thanks again!

Bill

Thanks Bain. We need these sorts of posts to keep us going and to keep us from becoming morbid about the whole thing.

Best wishes

Bill

Emra

Prior to my surgery, I had such a nervous colon that going anywhere resulted in me running to the bathroom and waiting for the "runs." No more... now I'm out the door easy peasy.

Regarding expulsion of gas from the rear butt, following a colonoscopy this week, while home recuperating I felt a strange sensation - went to the loo and VOILA I actually expelled air LOUDLY from the back. I never thought I would ever say this... but I miss farting too!

I feel a real sense of entitlement when I'm waiting in line in a store and I can sense "action." Ha... I can just stand there all smug knowing that I can take care of business and do my shopping at the same time. I am multitasking and only I know it!

I have new "cred" with my 12-year-old nephew who, upon my answering what kind of surgery I had, responded "awesome" when I told him I had several inches of my colon removed. My 7-year-old niece thinks pooping in a front butt bag is cool and giggled for a long time when I responded to her question of "what happens with the back butt?" and I said "it's on vacation."

Not as funny as NJBain... but looking at the bright side of this new way of life is the way to go (please do pardon the pun ).

 
How to Manage Emotions with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister
NJ Bain

Everyone,

Glad I could put a smile on your faces and thank you for the responses. I agree that life without laughter is not living. If I didn't have a sense of humor, I'd have lost my mind a long time ago. Hang in there all and God bless!

Bain

Freebyrd

LOL. Great stuff, NJ Bain. I miss farting too. However, you can always unclip your bag whenever you need to clear out a room or don't feel like waiting in line at the bar for a beer.

harleyrider

Love it. Thanks.

Much to my wife's chagrin, I still unfortunately leave the seat up on occasion...

l15484

I miss hangover poos. The sort that would make you feel less hungover

Texasmade

A sense of humor goes a long way! I find that when I don't make a big deal out of having an ostomy, no one else does either!

vikinga

Well, we do fart... although no silent missiles. If someone lays a stink fart in the room, I know it ain't me. :)

I love the "my back butt's on vacation" :)

As my ostomy is in the middle, I have my own "loin cloth".

I know more about peristalsis now than anyone I know... well, except for this crowd!... lol

I know more about my digestion transit time, what foods do what to me, and what things I digest well or pills I absorb than I ever have in my life!

AND if I want to get freaky, I eat a meal with red beets and red wine on the menu. Looks like I am bleeding to death!! Too bad I can't use that for Halloween! :))

harleyrider

One other thing I've learned is that "Yes, sometimes my shit does stink!" could knock over a horse, a 1/2 mile away, on occasions LOL

Browneyedgirl

Baha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaa!!! You cracked me up. I can certainly relate!!

AussieJo

It definitely helps to have a sense of humor! I brag to my friends that I can hit and drive so I can multitask and don't have to pull over on road trips.

I miss farting too. I hate feeling bloated and not being able to release the pressure even though the natural urge to let one go remains.

The things we get to laugh hysterically about like a lunatic... e.g. the ridiculous fact that you can say to the district nurse that it's been a good day simply because you didn't leak hit through your belly while doing a bag change. Or when in a shopping mall with a friend and she mentions about having a sore rear end and you can sympathize because the nappy (diaper) rash on your belly is quite sore lol.

vulcanBMk2

I'm Urostomy connecting up my night bag. I could drive the length of the UK without a bathroom stop (I would need to refuel the car).

ANWONDET

Thanks everyone for the laughs! It does help to have a great sense of humor during this new lifestyle I'm living. I now have a little more junk in my trunk than I used to. Although my life has kinda been if poop happens, it happens to me. Well, so true now, literally, LOL! I don't advertise that I have baggage, just a few friends know. They love that I have a great way of dealing with it, believe me, I've had some days and nights of tears, buckets of tears. Like when you wake up in a pile, especially on a winter's morning, yuck! But thankful I woke up and carry on. Doctors said my life would be normal, I wasn't normal to begin with. Love to live, love, and laugh! God bless y'all! Smooches!

iMacG5

Thanks for the reminder, Bain. We've all been in situations where some ridiculous moron is telling us a stupid story and, for whatever reason, we're compelled to be the audience. We need to smile, nod our heads in agreement, do all the stupid things to make believe we really care. We do that because we're respectful even though we want to scream. Since my ostomy, I had that experience and presented myself as the perfect, interested listener. While doing so, I inconspicuously moved my bowels, continued to grin and nod my head, and when it was all over, I was relieved and the moron was still full of shit.


Mike

mdq58

After 10-15 years, you will no longer miss farting.

Happy New Year

Past Member

NJ Bain, you have a great sense of humor. I am new to having a colostomy and I have not been handling it very well.
I am hoping my reversal surgery will happen at the end of January
but I know from reading on here sometimes it doesn't work out.
It is nice to find a support group like this. I want this reversal to work out so bad but I am also scared of another surgery after my experience in the hospital. Did you have a hard time at first or were you always just able to see the positive side and humor?

iMacG5

Hey Ladymel, Bain will probably do a better job with a reply but , since the year is ending in a few hours, I needed to put in my two cents. An ostomy was a big deal to any of us who were old enough to know our bodies were being reconfigured.  Many of us were traumatized more in our heads than in our guts.  Most got over it; some more quickly than others.  We needed to deal with our new selves and we did.  For some who suffered for years with the discomfort of chrohns, UC or the like, their ostomy was the beginning of a new, much, much better life.  

It is what it is and the manner in which we deal with it can make us healthy, happy and helpful people.  You'll be just fine.

Wishing you the very best,

Mike 

Past Member

Hi Mike, so nice to hear from you. Thank you for replying. I have been having a really hard time and it's great to be able to talk to people who understand. I feel I was totally traumatized. I did have a lot of problems for years but never officially got diagnosed with anything until my ER visit that led to my surgeries. I was told I had diverticulitis. I am wondering if I don't have UC or Crohn's and that led to the diverticulitis infection? I am supposed to have a reversal at the end of this January but worry if I have/had Crohn's or UC that it will come back and I will have to go through all this again.

I don't feel whole or like myself. I am still recovering because I had to have two surgeries after the first one. But I feel weak, sick, and unattractive and really alone. I lost my mom in the middle of all this and we were close. I have my kids and this has been so hard on them too. We don't do the fun things we used to do. We are home all the time unless we go to the grocery store or a doctor's appointment or it's somewhere I have to go. I still have an open wound which I have a wound vac for. I am hoping it heals up in time so my reversal doesn't get pushed back. I am just worried about it all... sorry for my rambling. Lol can you tell I really needed to talk?

iMacG5

Hi Ladymel. Ramble on! That’s why we’re here. You’re sharing with us and we’re fortunate for that. Your problems are at lot like others here and we can only be helped by sincere compassion which is so common here. We’ll talk more; we’ll share more and you’ll feel more comfortable with the whole package of junk we deal with each day.

Respectfully,

Mike

Past Member

Thanks, Mike,

I have been reading posts on here for a while. I just finally had the courage to start talking about it.

xnine

I can take a dump in the grocery line up or any place I like.

bigreyguy

Stoma goes into a bar.

Bartender says, "You're not like the usual assholes we get in here."

Past Member

I'm not as full of shit. No adult diapers for me. I can shit my shirts. Jerz, I'm busting up.

Gemd

I miss farting and I, too, have thought that my bag contents would make a great defense mechanism.

Puppyluv56

The funny side of having an ostomy is the best side!

Without the funny parts, we couldn't survive! Thank God we have each other to tell those stories to!

Pup

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