Navigating Dating with a Colostomy: Any Tips?

Sometimes, I think it would be easier to wear a sign that says:
I have a colostomy, if still interested call.....
Dating is hard enough!! LOL

Meglb, I think you might have hit on a winner there... LoL. They used to have something like that for single people years ago in Perth. Came in the form of a sticker you put on your car. Funny enough, it worked. Till the goody-two-shoes jumped on it. Another great idea booted. So I'm with you... cheers, Tara...

A girl asked me for a date once... I replied, "No problem" -- Battle of Trafalgar, 21st October 1805... Stayed in on my own that night!!!

Oh, you are a funny bugger....

Meglb,
To be honest, having an ileostomy hasn't been a problem for the men I have dated, but boy, it's a big problem for me. I feel I can't join any normal online dating agency. After all, if you had a choice of 50 men, you wouldn't choose the one with a bag, would you? Well, we probably would now, but not before. Of course, personality comes first, so it's great if you can get to know someone before dating, that's how I have dated in the past. But it's not happening at the moment. I really miss having a hug!
But who knows what's around the corner...................
Poppy

Hi Poppy, about you not being able to join a 'normal' dating site? Well, I don't see why not. I have in the past - as I knew there was nothing worthwhile close by. Lol... Anyway, it was a little bit hard to start with, but I just chatted and let the conversation flow, and before you know it, something comes out about what you do for a living or something to bring up health.... Then I found it was a good way to actually practice telling people.... and either way, online or in person... you know how that person feels about things. If they took that well.... then we would think about meeting.. NOW THAT WAS HARD!!! The very first meeting I had with a guy off the net was as scary as hell... But now I just laugh... nothing bad happened, just the guy who showed up wasn't anything like the guy I was chatting to.... There were teeth missing and a whole cowboy outfit.... had to have a peek make sure no gun.. I'm kidding.. But he even asked if I wanted to join his stable... Oh, I lost it, almost fell off my chair laughing, got up, and just laughed as I walked away - he got the hint. Needed another drink real bad.. Oh dear, guess that wasn't the best story to tell you, to convince you to join up hey... lmao But if you go in with the right attitude (I'm here for a good time not a long time!), you might be very surprised...... Good luck and keep us posted.... Tara

It's been my practice when dating ladies I did not meet on an ostomy site to not mention anything about having an ostomy. Just go out, have a nice time, start to get to know each other. I actually avoid serious intimacy for several dates. Then when I feel the time might be right for intimacy, I tell her there's something I need to tell her before the moment arrives. I've never had a girl freak out or be bothered by it. I think that once you give yourself a chance to develop a relationship, get to really like a person, and she you, it tends to open up their minds and do away with any inhibitions they may have had if you'd brought it up on the first date or before. If you bring it up before the first date, you might not ever get a chance to show her you're much more than just a guy who wears a bag. Well, that's my approach anyway.

Personally, I just put it straight out there. If the person is that shallow as to not accept it, then they're not worth being with anyway.

Hi, I honestly thought dating would not be a problem but I found it a real big problem. I dated a guy for two years who did not mind I had a stoma as his father had one, so he knew what it was all about. But then he found a younger body to cuddle. I went out as normal, but the guys I have since met have been cruel at times, to say the least. They don't seem to want to talk to you and get to know you, the person, not even giving you the chance to answer any questions they have. We are still people who are survivors of something that, in most cases, is not our fault. One guy thought I was very brave for even going out dating. He honestly thought that I should stay at home because of my stoma.
I often wonder if it happened to them, what they would do and how would they react when people walk away from them.
Lots of love, guys.
Celia xxxxxxxxxxx

I guess it's easy for some.

Hello: just bye!

Hi Bostomy, it is not easy when all this hits you. Everyone feels life will go on the same, and it can, but when you feel down, you think the whole world is against you. I have had my stoma since '94, lost my hubby in '96, felt totally in the dark. My children were great, and my mum talked to me every day, telling me to take one day at a time and let life get back to normal in the way you can handle it. Never rush it. There is someone for all of us out there, whether we have a medical condition or not. We just have to let them come in when they want. Otherwise, if we hurry it, we can push them away. Talk to them, get to know them. There is never a right or wrong time to tell anyone about a stoma. You just have to hope they will be the person who is right for you.
Never forget, there are millions of us all over the world facing the same problems, so we are never quite alone.
Take care.
Celia xxxx

Actually, I've had more problems with self-esteem than actually getting a date and keeping one. I kinda now parade the ostomy, so there feels like no pink elephant in the room.

I think the best thing I did for myself was my warning label.

I got a tattoo on my lower back. It looks like those "not an entrance" sign with a white bar in the center.

It's big and red and it says "no exit, no entry". Frankly, that tattoo has opened the door to the conversation of why in the hell did I put something like that on my body.

All my friends love it. I think once you have confidence in yourself and you don't show weakness, the people around you will take on the same persona and not feel odd that you don't have a functioning asshole.

Wow Ferrona! What a good idea for you with today's fashion of youngsters baring their lower back. Sadly, that's not suitable for me anymore. You must get a lot of attention, is it always good attention? Now what can I do.....mmmmm.......
Poppy

To be honest, I think I've had only one negative response and it was from a stranger which I didn't see her reaction.

I was in the store bending over and my mom happened to look behind her. The salesclerk's mouth literally dropped, mouthing 'oh my god'. Well, she probably would have had the same reaction had she known what hell on earth I went through to even consider acquiring such a message to display.

It gives me something to laugh about every day and for anybody else that knows me, the message suits me well. Even my co-workers/supervisors think it's great and they are older women with grandchildren.

I think the hardest thing about dating is getting past that part of the conversation:

"Yeah, I've had a lot of surgeries and am missing a colon and 10 feet of my small bowel....By the way, I have an ostomy bag too."

A funny thing happened tonight. Since I was 17, I've had this crush on this guy who was 21 and in the Navy. I've put him on this pedestal all these years and have been afraid to tell him for the past 3 years about the ostomy. Finally, I told him and he was okay with it. Apparently, his grandfather was diagnosed with colon cancer and he had an ostomy. Go figure.

At least that is off my chest and I don't think anybody else's opinion of whether I have a bag matters. Because it's within yourself that the light shines through. If they really love you, they will love you in sickness and with a bag.

Dear Ferrona, don't we all wish there were more of you around. Totally love your attitude. It's what I have been trying to spread around since I got on top of all this. It's refreshing to see. Also love your tattoo. I have two, one on each hip. A pair of eyes on one, and initials on the other. And if I wanted to be a wise-guy, it can mean two things. First, it's the initials of the man I love, which in turn can also be the initials of a Crohn's Gang Member. Lol. The eyes are great when I get a needle and it's their first go at it. When they ask where do I want it? I'm like "Right between the eyes please." You should see the looks that gets. Anyway, let's hope the attitude is catching. Cheers darl. Tara.

Totally agree Tarababy .... good, uplifting words of encouragement. I am trying to recreate that feeling/environment/{no good words here} like that I last experienced. It was a wonderful time with my last love until she was called to another life-changing job as an angel. But we met and I had 'George' for 8 years prior and it didn't bother her one bit. In fact, now that I look back on it, she wanted to know everything as she was intending to take care of me in our old age. Funny how life has its little twists on fate. So now 3.5 years later and I am trying to put myself back into that dating scene once again, working to get over the self-raised wall raised because of thoughts of imperfection, or supposed imperfection, construction. It's not easy. Stories of hope like that of Ferrona's work to erode that wall I've raised. Thank you.

This is a wonderful idea of how to break the 'ostomy ice' so to speak. Not sure lower back tattoos are something us chaps can get away with though.    

I think the tattoo is a great idea! I personally would have found dating very difficult if I hadn't initially got confidence dating a very close friend of mine. He knew me before the operation and was a tower of strength afterwards, so us spending quality time together was kinda a progression of our friendship. I wouldn't feel funny about my bag now with anyone new I meet. I'm quite open with strangers too, especially when I get asked why I made a career change or why am I single?
I married a rat who was unsupportive and disappeared after the op, though his actions at that time were not very positive so I know to this day us getting divorced was best for both of us.
Life goes on, there is always that special person waiting to come into our lives when we least expect it.

Michelle x

I think it's great that a lot of people have positive attitudes about the opposite sex's reaction to our surgery. I had mine only 12 weeks ago and recovered well. I have been out pubbing and clubbing, and when I find someone chatting me up, I become very shy and say things I know will put them off, as I'm not sure how I would feel facing rejection time and time again. People are very shallow.

Let me tell you what happened to me quite recently. I'm nearly 62. I've had my colostomy for 8 years. The man with whom I was sharing my life told me he wouldn't have sex with me anymore because my stoma put him off. I thought I had to make do without because, you know, who would want a woman with a colostomy? But it was so frustrating! After all, I was still the same woman, wasn't I, only with a little different plumbing.

Our relationship began to deteriorate and there was a lot of resentment and things left unsaid between us. Finally, last November, I decided I'd had enough and I told my partner I would go my own way and that I preferred to live alone rather than going on like that. I went looking for a flat in the neighboring town and, at the same time, I met some new people, artists and writers (that's what I am myself). Well, actually, one of those people was a man of my own age and we soon became very close friends. After about one month of dating, I told him about my stoma. He first didn't know what I was speaking about and I had to explain. I was very ill at ease but he reassured me. Two weeks later, we were lovers. That was two months ago. The bag means nothing to him, he jokes about it, giving it all sorts of names. It all came very naturally, at a time of my life when I had lost all hope of meeting a new love.

Now we are planning to live together in a few months.

My story is one of hope and I just wanted to share it with fellow ostomates.

Ximena.

PS. Excuse my sometimes faulty English as I'm Belgian and usually French-speaking.

I am from a small town in Montana and finding someone to deal with this isn't easy. I have to change about every 12 hours due to blowouts and still healing. Hoping that I can make a day or two soon. Finding any other ostomates isn't easy either, like they've gone into hiding around here. I go out with my friends and they all know what I have, it doesn't bother them too much since they have been there the whole time. Still looking for others that are open and not shy, as we are stuck with the bagpipes and all that go with it.

To be honest, everyone has different experiences in the dating circle, but letting your stoma take the blame is not the way to go. You have it, just deal with it. I am 22 years old and have had my stoma for 7 months. I am not going to say it's been a walk in the park, that would be a lie, but having my operation gave me my life back. I realized that dating was easy compared to what I had been through with my Crohn's, so it should be a walk in the park.
And so far, it has been. I have been back on the scene for a few months and had no problems with women rejecting me because of my stoma. In fact, one thought it was cool! As long as you are confident within yourself and put yourself forward instead of your stoma, then it makes no difference. It is all in our heads. Don't just believe in better, make it better!

Hi,
I'm Lila. I have been trying to date but never know when to tell someone. But I think you are right, I am just going to keep it to myself until they get to know me. The problem is I was sick for 4 years and had 7 operations. I have leftover arthritis from it treated with Enbrel. My kids are young, my husband couldn't handle it so he left and he is a physician. So sometimes it comes up why I am not working. Mostly because I have young kids. I should say. Also, I cannot do my old job as a respiratory therapist because it requires a lot of hand work. Arthritis in my hands. I get discouraged wondering if anyone will give me a chance.

OK, I'll play.
My sign (sounds like zodiac)

Sassy, classy, loving, trustworthy, loyal nymphomaniac...with an ileostomy

His sign would probably read:
Twotiming, shallow, couchpotato that is and has a fully functional a-hole

For me, dating was practically impossible before my colostomy. Women down here (South Florida) are not interested in dating a middle-aged, overweight, short man. Let alone a broke one, thanks to my ostomy. I've been on like 2 dates in the last 20 years. Not that I haven't asked out plenty of women--I just can't get a yes for an answer. Women make friends with me but none can ever consider dating me.

Now, add the colostomy. Might as well forget it. Not going to happen. Any chance at all that I had at starting a family is absolutely gone. In fact, I haven't even been able to have any of my female (or male, for that matter) friends over since the surgery. Everyone avoids me--they'll talk on the phone, but that's it. I know it's a gross thing--I don't like having a bag of shit hanging from my stomach either. But, what can I do? Sex is a distant memory.

In women's defense, I would not date me, either. The bag is disgusting. The smell is unbearable after the first day or so. (Can't afford to change it any more than once a week).

I just found out that I will probably never be able to have the reversal procedure due to financial concerns, even though I'm medically ready. The USA is a wonderful place, huh? Why in the hell would any immigrant want to move here?!?!?!? I'd love to leave.

OMG, you're awesome!!!        The tat idea busted me up, how clever and how devilishly funny!!    I love it!!

Ximena, you said.... "Now we are planning to live together in a few months.

My story is one of hope and I just wanted to share it with fellow ostomates.

PS. Excuse my sometimes faulty English as I'm Belgian and usually French-speaking."

You sound like a super lady. I look forward to hearing from you again. Carol 'dawneagle'

Ximena, you said.... "Now we are planning to live together in a few months.

My story is one of hope and I just wanted to share it with fellow ostomates.

PS. Excuse my sometimes faulty English as I'm Belgian and usually French-speaking."

You sound like a super lady. I look forward to hearing from you again. Carol 'dawneagle'

Well.....I am 50 and still want to be sexy.....I bling out my bag (at least the part that sticks outta jeans)

and ordered some sexy lingerie with pockets for my pouch.....web is Ostomy Secrets.....and yes they do have men's wear.....