The Delux Stoma Chronicles

Advice for the forlorn and the love torn. 
Providing clues for the clueless.
 It's Flabby time. 

Hey Flabby, 

I'm in a quandary.  My boy toy and I met thru an online dating app a year ago.  We both have nifty stomas, though mine is petite and cute... his is a bit of a brute.  
We do everything together.  Slow walks on the beach.  Movies, dinners;  Oh Flabby... He's the one!   A "keeper."  
Last week I hinted I'd like a ring, you know, a token of his love.  He winked and said "anything for you my love."  A week flew by.  I was excited.  A day later he presented me with a small gift wrapped box.  My fingers were trembling as I unwrapped this special present.  Thoughts of our future together were on my mind.
And then...... disaster!   It was a box of 10 Coloplast barrier rings!  I saw RED.  "What are you"  I bellowed.  "An idiot?"  He looked confused.  I was seriously UNamused.
I tore open the box, grabbed a ring, and planted right on his "dumb as dirt" forehead.  It's been 2 weeks Flabby.  He hasn't called, or texted.  It's sad to think it's over.  Oh Flabby, whatever shall I do?

Sadly,  

Furtisha Gussen 

Dear Fungus, 

 Wise up.   Men are men.  Ladies are romantic.... men are men.  
I once had a lover present me with a Cresent wrench for a birthday present.  After chasing him around the kitchen, he got the point... upside his silly head.  
You must guide them as you would a helpless child. 
 As the years go by, you will discover there's only one thing on a dudes simpleton mind:   Sports.

Queen of the snappy comeback.  Madam to the stoma challenged.  It's Flabby time. 

Dear Flabby, 

My husband of 39 years says I'm too "plain Jane."  Said I'm always dressed in too many clothes.  I barked back, "Say what!"  I wondered, "has he suffered a stroke, some sort of dementia ?  Then he said with a sly smile,  "be a little more like Lady Godiva."
 "Lady who?  What the Sam Hill you blubbering about?"  I stammered.
"You know,"  he said, "maybe vaccuum the living room topless."  Flabby, I nearly fainted.  I reminded the wrinkled lathario;
"I gotta Colostomy dummy.  You sure don't wanna see this tummy."
But he said he didn't care.  Said he'd be looking elsewhere.  I turned 50 shades of red.  Do I have a choice?  Oh Flabby, whatever shall I do? 

Call me embarrassed,
Hefina Ferrari  

Dear Hefier, 

Back in my salad days, I used dance  around the living room topless while dusting the china cabinet trying to get a little attention from Mr Flabby.  Who was  glued to the TV watching grown men play with a football.  When that didn't work, I slapped him upside the head with the duster.  That got his attention..... the wrong kind.  Face it Hef, men are pigs.  They need their own planet, Planet Piggie. Where they can swill beer, gorge on chicken wings, and watch all the silly games they want.  Us women would have our own planet, The sweet pink orb.  Once a month, a shuttle would beam bored women to Piggie world, for just one hour.  After some rollin' in the sheets, the men usually get all bossy.  "Make me a sandwich, get me a beer."  But, fun time is up.  "Git that crap youself pig boy..... Shuttle is going bye bye."  And back to the peaceful, well mannered, pink orb we would go....... till next month.

Just in time for the holidays.  Brassy and sassy, dressed to thrill... it's Flabby 

Seasons greetings Flabby, 

Oh Flab... what ever shall I do?  My boyfriend is a nerd.  He's always making fun of me cuz I don't understand technology.  Recently we were on my couch eating Jelly Bellies and watching my favorite soap opera, "Passion Medical."   On the show, Dr. Boufont has the hots for nurse Rachet.  She always flirts, but runs away when things get steamy.  Well, she was in a utility room getting some bandages... and in came Dr. Boufont.  He cornered her... then... the channel changed!  I nearly pooped my pants.  I immediately grabbed the remote and got Dr. Boufont back.  But a commercial came on.  I asked my boyfriend why did the channel change?  He mentioned something about a power surge.  Soon my show was back on.  Nurse Rachet was telling the good Doctor No... but her eyes said yes.  I leaned in close as the Doctor started to kiss her.. and damn! The channel changed again.  My boyfriend chuckled.  I fumbled with the remote as I rushed to return to the action.  Got my channel back... then it changed again.  
My boyfriend was laughing.  Then Mr Nerd told me he had a TV remote app on his phone.... HE was changing the channel!  I was so pissed.  I snatched his phone and told him I was gonna shove it up his silly ass.  But he laughed harder and said "No can do my love... I got a Ken butt."  I dumped my whole bowl of jelly bellies on his head and tossed him out.  And worst of all... missed the end of my show.  He texted me and said he was sorry.  Oh Flabby, whatever shall I do with this buffoon? 

Sincerely,
Frutisa Canklebaum

Dear Fruitcake, 

Get out and get some fresh air.  Turn off that damn television.  There's a real world and real life out there.  One time I was eating a pickle and Mr Flabby told me a joke about a pig and a whistle.  I nearly choked to death on the damn thing.  Mr Flabby had a pickle eye for a few days.  Now where was I ?  Oh yeah, love is where you find it, and it ain't on some insipid soap opera.  Tell Mr Nerd to get a new app on his phone: The Kama Sutra.