Is there any secret in here?

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Sun

It's me again.

Shall I share my secrets with you guys? No... I'd prefer to share nice and funny /painless/ stories or to take advice about... How to be the perfect lover!

From Me, Myself, and I

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First off, this is a pretty cool site with 33,093 members. Get inside and you will see.

We're not all about ostomy. Everything is being discussed in the forums.

It's a very special community, embracing all ages and backgrounds. People are honest and truly care.

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Create an account and you will be amazed.

mark

Gee, I wish I could give you an answer!!!!

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caz

Just be nice to find one!!!!!

Sun

Yeah Caz,
You're right! Be nice and amiable... that works!
Today is International Women's Day! So I wish you all to just be yourself and keep smiling! We are better than weather, right?

Past Member

I can't believe nobody's even interested in sex.

 
Stories of Living Life to the Fullest from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister
DirtyKnight
Hmm, it's been only the last two weeks that I have been able to bend over and tie my own shoes. Dating has been the last thing on my mind. I had my operation last April 2006 and was in for 11 weeks. Yes, that's right, I had to have a second surgery before being discharged because they botched the first one. Ten of those weeks I was nil by mouth and I lost a lot of weight.

When you are single and a migrant to a foreign country with no family for support, you have to learn to deal with things on your own. It hasn't been easy, but I'm over the initial shock of it all.

I don't date anymore and I'm not sure if I will ever again. I do understand this is more than likely a post-op phase, yet I realize dating will lead to being intimate and being intimate leads to sex. I'm not ready or strong enough to discuss my physical change yet. Unless I find someone in the same situation, I'm unlikely to want to go that route.
alanwbrowning

It's quite normal to discuss private matters in this kind of public forum! Just remember never make any promises you can't keep!

JanDhrt

How is everyone? I am new to this...

Sex is great! And well, it would be nice to have it more.

tarababy

Hey there! The best subject!! But I am not getting anything? NO!!! So what is it? I can understand the feeling in the beginning. Actually, 12 months before I got sicker, I lost that primal urge (sex drive) along with my ego. And for 2-almost 3 years, it didn't show up. But after putting on weight and finally talking to others, amazing where you can drag yourself up from... but yep, here comes that feeling again, I'm like ??? hey, I remember that feeling, and bingo, the mojo is back. But are there any eligible, nice, and funny, honest guys out there? HAHAH Doesn't seem to be where I live. But, don't give up... remember... ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT! Good luck, keep smiling, makes people wonder what you're smiling about.

tarababy

Sex!!!!! All I can say is if anyone is the least bit worried....be open and honest...I found that once my head was over it...like now...I'm back on the dating scene...and have found that being just that....honest about it....I got what I have been waiting for...lololol..still smiling, so go for it folks..find someone to share with...it's worth it....life is beautiful...live it to the fullest. And sex is a big part of healing. Thanks for listening to me brag.....chow for now baby's.

mannishboy

Good advice from Tara, I think if you relax, don't take the whole thing too seriously and just have fun, everything will fall into place. However, it takes courage and puts one into a vulnerable position having to reveal such personal aspects of your life. So get out there and do it!!! It's great and I think it intensifies and improves the relationships you will have.

trifinisher
Ahh... Sex after an ostomy. Wonderful topic. Tarababy has the right idea. It must have taken lots of courage for you to go there. I'm very happy for you. This is a subject that many ostomates, in my limited experience, shy away from. I did a humorous speech for the Canadian Cancer Society once: packed room, men and women. Some cancer survivors, some spouses, some medical people. The topic was "Surviving cancer and laughing about it". And as an ostomate, boy, was there lots to laugh about. All the women were roaring and holding their sides: the guys were crossing their legs and holding their nether region.

But I was never invited back: too graphic. Funny and true, but too graphic. And that pretty much sums up my experience so far: it's not something people want to talk about. I'm in a marriage where my wife and I haven't been intimate in any way since I got the urostomy. I'm willing (and able: yay, Viagra and spared nerves during the operation), but she has a hard time living with a guy who pees in a bag. So my love life has been quite one-handed, you might say. I'm now looking elsewhere for that part of my life, as, my God... 5 years!! I've suggested counseling, and have tried to gently introduce the topic for discussion, but there is a wall there.

How do you introduce the topic to a potential lover who does not have an ostomy? "Oh, by the way, I'm not built like most guys." Hmmmm... "Into water sports?" No, that's probably not the best either. "Wanna see my bag?" just opens up way too many options. OK, so I'm not 100% serious. But it IS a delicate subject.

Cheers, and enjoy your libido.
natglad1
Yes, it is possible to be open and honest with others. I got my ileostomy in April of this year, and believe it or not, I have been intimate with three different women. The first girl doesn't fully count though, since she knew me right before the surgery and therefore knew what to expect since I had told her about the operation before I had it.

I have since had to "open up" and reveal myself to two other girls. They both completely surprised me as to how understanding they were. The girl I am currently dating is completely gorgeous and has her own insecurities about weight, like many women do, but doesn't seem to be bothered at all by my "appliance". In fact, I seem to be more worried about it than the girls do.

Maybe this is because women tend to be more sensitive than guys, and therefore can handle things like this more delicately. Maybe I have just been lucky and found the only three girls who don't mind?

Honestly though, I still feel uncomfortable being fully exposed. My solution: wrap an ace bandage around my waist and tuck the ostomy pouch under it to hide it away while we "do the deed".

Don't let me make it sound easy, I just had to fight through those feelings of insecurity and embarrassment. Once I did, I realized it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be though.

Good luck peeps....and don't lose hope.

"Sex is like pizza, when it's hot, it's sooooo good. When it's not hot...it's still pretty damn good."
NJ Bain
Hmmm....where to begin.......

I'm a 36 year old ostomate of 12 years now......I have Crohns disease and as a result, had to have an ileostomy in 1995......

Now, before I went in for the surgery, my gf at the time knew what to expect but she had some concerns about my body image......I basically told her that if she couldn't handle me having a "bag" hanging off my gut, I would understand, but at the same time I asked her to put herself in my position...

Since my surgery, I can't count how many different ladies I've had the pleasure of knowing intimately on my fingers and toes....*evil grin*....Although my gf and I were on and off over 11 years, I had the privilage to get other womens opinion.....

Before I got married, when I was out with friends or on a date, I'd usually get the "I was sick with this and therefore had to have surgery" bomb out of the way right off the bat......but I would strategically talk about it....waiting for an opportunity to talk about it.....I'd be like, "Oh yeah...I got this scar from my groin to my mid chest and needless to say, I don't take a crap like everyone else does...".....most of the time it got a laugh...

Now, I know I'm not the most handsome guy in the world, (but I'm damn cute...lol) but I can be VERY charming.....but at the same time straight forward.....don't let having an ostomy stop you from having a love / social life........I've only had one female friend that was grossed out about the fact of me having a bag......and I figure if a person can't look over the fact that you have an "appliance", then they aren't worth your time....plain and simple....

As for me, I'm happily married now.....and PAIN free....before my surgery, I was in constant pain, running to and from the bathroom like 5-6 times a day, and intimacy was the furthest thing from my mind because I was afraid I'd have a sudden urge to go to the bathroom or gas...etc..etc.......My ostomy was a Godsend.....and it gave me a whole new outlook on life.....

If by chance, regardless if you're a guy or girl.....if someone whences when you tell them you have an appliance, give them the benefit of the doubt.....most people are understanding......but if they treat you like you're diseased, do this....

With as much dignity as you can muster...(without laughing of course), lift up your shirt or blouse; point to your stoma and kindly tell that person to "kiss your ass"........
Past Member

I had my surgery exactly 1 year ago today. They gave me a choice of a NeoBladder or Urostomy. I chose the NeoBladder until they advised me of all the many possible complications and the chance of having to do regular self-catheters (however you spell it). So at the last minute, I chose the Stoma and Urostomy. The biggest (and only) issue I had with the urostomy was they told me they would have to clip some nerves in my lower abdomen and would never be able to get an erection again for the rest of my life unless I came back for more surgery. So, obviously finding sex isn't the big problem, it's finding someone who understands that there is more to sex than intercourse. But hey, I worry myself sick trying to find a woman I'm attracted to that I am willing to explain the urostomy to, then break the news to her that I am unable to get it up. Friends tell me all the time that there are lots of women out there who can go without sex, where sex is of little importance. But how the heck do you find them? Do we wear a shirt that says "I can't get it up, but want to find my soulmate"? I think not.

Once my self-esteem gets back to the original level, I might go out and physically look for that special someone. Most likely I'll find her in church. But still, nobody can tell me that sex is not important to anyone. It is.

There, that was my 2 cents' worth...

natglad1

Hairball

I commend your courage. That sounds like a much harder decision you had to make than a basic ileostomy, like I had. I appreciate your feedback, as it keeps me enlightened a bit, realizing that not all is lost for me yet. I think though, that you will find a woman who can appreciate you the way you are now. Fortunately, women do tend to be more cerebral than most men when it comes to this kind of thing.

Good luck on your quest.

Nat

tarababy
Hi there, mmm....sex after an ostomy!!...I do believe it is all in the attitude. If you let it get to you, it will...I waited until I was thinking about it again, which was a couple of years after the operation. And admittedly, it was very hard to tell the first guy...who didn't even blink when I told him..(after all that worrying). Then it was easy....Although I did practice with people online first, it gave me the courage to start telling them to their faces...and well...not bragging but now I am knocking them back with a big stick. Doesn't matter if you think "is this the one?"..DON'T THINK IT...Think of them as the trial run.....they will be the trial run....when the right one comes along...you can apologize all you want for it being there and they will keep telling you..it doesn't matter...it's not what makes you. Unlike most ostomates I know.....I DON'T TRY TO HIDE IT....I wear skimpy clothes and tight mini dresses..bikinis...you name it, I wear it...too hot to wear too much here anyway...lmao...But still, I find a lot of people don't even tell their close friends....What's with that?...Talk about it to anyone who will listen....it's practice for telling the next bed partner....Good luck to all.....Tarababy
dcrazy

Yeah, I tell Andro Jack, nobody, nothing. Nah actually, some of my friends know, but there are some of my close friends I don't tell. Everyone knew me for bodybuilding, and after my surgery, I didn't even want people to see me. Maybe it's my age, but it's hard telling people. One time I was drunk and we were out at a bar, about 7 of us, and I almost let it out...lol. But then thought to myself, "Be quiet"...lol. I don't know, I guess when everyone had or has expectations for you, and you yourself, it's hard. Also, in a way that's why I am here, to tell.
tarababy

Ok, guess I have to get used to hearing this....that there are a lot of people out there who hide the fact they have an ostomy of some kind. No wonder there is a stigma attached to having one. For the life of me, I will never understand it. Anyway, I guess it's whatever you are comfortable with and it must work for all of you or you wouldn't be doing it. I'm not saying I'm proud to have one and want to show it off all the time, but everyone I know and anyone I am going to know knows I have it. Well, you show me a one-sided pregnant woman. Lol. My life changed for the better 4 years ago, and if I don't change my mind's way of thinking too....then....well, I don't see the point. I have tried to get the stigma away from 'having a bag'..guess I have my work cut out for me...Cheers Tarababy

ferrona
May be because I'm too childlike...

I've been telling anyone and everybody that I shit in a bag. Ya know, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they didn't know. *laughs*

But... there is that awkward situation. You meet a new somebody who could be that someone and you're just not sure. Well, I break it down on date two. Then, if date three rolls around and he is still there, then this person does care enough.

You can't shut yourself off because you become that door without a handle and no one can open it up and see what a wonderful person you are.

I understand that I speak idealistic a lot, but I am a realistic person too. The more I'm out and about doing what I do, it just proves the point that the bag doesn't hinder me. If anything, the bag is what lets me live my life and there is nothing to be ashamed of living your life.

Back to the topic "sex", you know the best person you can rely on is yourself. When you learn to love yourself again, then being intimate comes easier (no pun intended haha). You and I are like anybody else in the dating world. Some of us get butterflies, gasm or sweaty palms when we are nervous...but that's the rest of the earth's population as well. Everyone has some kind of anxiety. You just have to push past it and then you will be open to meet the right person who will love you for every atomic particle (even if it's man-made *giggles*).
tarababy

That's the attitude...you'd be a fun girl to go on the town with. Keep it coming Ferrona... cheers xx Tara

Past Member

You are so upbeat and positive and fun... and most definitely an inspiration.    You're the greatest tarababy!
tarababy

Thanks, wounded doe.....you do realize that the inspiration and the attitude only work on here..why? Because we are all in the same boat and it seems only an ostomate can see it. My friends just see it as me...throwing in jokes about the bag burping and farting...or it being like a big penis hanging down...always good when you get caught reaching in to get that sharp bit away from the old girl...the looks can be precious...so I turn around and oops, sorry, just moving my doodle around....well, doesn't that get a reaction....or when it is a bit full and I'm looking for a dunny (bathroom)...you see them looking there and wondering wtf? I just grin and say, hey mine is bigger than yours....if I don't know them, I don't care what their reaction is..but you can bet I GET A GIGGLE....and that's all I care about..I also, as some of you know, like to share why I have it...in hopes that if they or someone they know, has symptoms and then it can be checked and fixed in time, before this happens to them. That my friends has already happened, and now she is on medication and got it under control. The only thing that bugs me is when a smartass comes to me saying I can be cured, just get a doctor to put more bowel back in....say what? I tell them to read up on the net then get back to me...Anyway, just putting my 2-cents worth in, again...and to say thanks for the great compliments...I love you all....You guys are still the only ostomates I mix with...seems the locals still think it's cool to go into hiding and not talk to another, especially about what's below the belt. That's NOT ME, the more awareness there is, the better I say...To me, an ostomate who shares is an ostomate who cares....the rest, well still trying to work that one out.....later guys....MWAH!!!!!!

Past Member

I find y'alls openness to non-ostomates just intriguing. Good for you!

Other than my medical team, only 3 people (plus you all) on the whole planet know about my ileostomy. I saw first hand how people treated those in my support group differently. I don't want that. My kids, 20 and 23, don't even know. People who have fully functioning bowels don't sit around the room and talk about how they poop so why would I?

Maybe that's denial. I don't know. But how I see it, it's just how my body functions and isn't really worthy of some major proclamation. I also agree it's good to be yourself and if yourself means that you are the type to talk about it then you should. I just don't think how I poop is the most interesting part of me.

In this transient world, I have so many people come and go in my life that I rarely get THAT intimate with someone. I am about to tell my BFF (best friend forever) during our weekend getaway. She's earned my trust after 7 years of trading secrets. She loves me no matter what. We are soul sisters.

I already posted on how I have dealt with sex. The pouch is easy to disguise but this babe can't be bent like a pretzel or go too crazy or vigorous cuz... you know the hernias... maybe after my repair and revision though huh?

Goodness gracious it's always something. It certainly doesn't stop me from trying!

Besides, I'm convinced guys will shag just about any girl they can so why not give them a whirl you know? Just say yes!

Disclaimer... I am not a hussy just pushing myself as I face these fears and having fun along the way.

lampelady
I am almost 60 and was married only 2 years. Although I have lived with some, and had long standing exclusive relationships with others, I have been single and dating much of my life. 12 years ago I had breast cancer. I saw a girlfriend's sister die of cancer in the 2nd breast, 10 years after having the first one removed, so I told them to take both mine off and give me two big ones that matched. They took me at my word and I have a set of 32 F's that are big and round and look like they belong on a 20 year old. They are decorations, not toys. I have no feeling in them and they are hard as a rock. I used to feel really insecure about them. I've had men who ask me to slow dance, ask why my chest was so hard after the dance was over. I used to think I needed to get it out in the open before I hardly knew someone, if there was the remotest chance of becoming intimate with them later, so if they couldn't deal with it, they could dump me before we got to that bridge instead of afterward. I remember telling a man I was only getting to know, about them. I pulled my blouse and bra up, so he could see my Barbie Doll' tits, (Did I forget to mention I have no nipples?) and asked him what he thought. He took my hand and moved it to his crotch, placing it on his raging hard-on and said, this is what I think. I almost cried I was so happy. I never let it worry me again. Everyone's perception is different and there have been some men that couldn't deal with it but hey, that didn't stop me from looking for the man with the hard-on. Now I have to live with this bag. Fortunately, I have been in an exclusive relationship for 5 years and my boyfriend stuck with me through the 4 biopsies, the BCG treatments and the removal of my bladder. My surgery was 1 years ago and I haven't had to face life as a dating person with a bag but if I had to, I could deal. I agree with Tarababy, you are what you think you are, not what other people think you are. Why let someone else paint your reality? Paint your own and use really vibrant colors.
Jax
Hi everyone

I am facing this question at the moment, when do you tell your potential partner about your little friend??? I am in a different situation to most of you here that I have read. Since having my rectum and anus removed, the wound has not healed. Therefore not allowing any intimacy of that kind. I am off for an MRI Thursday 11th to see if the collection inside is causing any problems or if it can be drained to aid healing. This collection has 2 or 3 sinuses (the same as fistulas) of it. 2 where the anus used to be and one into the vagina.

My thought is, if you can "BE INTIMATE" you are being no different to the so-called NORMAL person. I know I would be pursuing a normal sex life if I were capable...

Your men out there who have had a sex life after the operation to new partners, good on you... You are correct, women do understand more than potential new men partners. I would rather meet an ostomate man partner now than a "normal" person. The understanding is there and even the help I would say... Just a pity none of the men around in my area who are ostomates are around my age or single.... ;-((((

Cheers and have a good time...

Jax
beyondpar
Jax,

Some FYI is the fact that ostomates are "extraordinary" whereas "normal" people are just that "normal".

The perception is that women are more understanding of a partner with an ostomy than vice versa because I truly believe women are blessed with better coping mechanisms than men, which enable them to be so much more compassionate than men and to also outlive us...............Period..I don't want to get into the shallow words but simply put, men in general are more visual and women are more in tune with the emotional side of things. I'm sure you know the mantra "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus"....

Without getting into detail, know that I, as an ostomate, would prefer an ostomate partner as well......I mean who wouldn't want extraordinary and who just wants to settle for normal?...LOL

The right time is when you are ready to share.........there are always things we can do to please each other and if it can't be mutual at the present time, I'm sure your male partner won't mind if he's on the receiving end of that. With regard to yourself, you might have to be more communicative to help him to help you in a way that helps you to be pleased.....I hope I am being understood.....

I am so serious when it comes to using our words first..........it all begins with words. Without words, our minds are left to wander and wonder and when it comes to this stuff, it normally doesn't wander to a good place. So lead with your words and your truth and your sensitivity and I am almost certain it will go better than planned.....good luck to you and keep me or us posted.........I hope I am not being too personal on such a public forum, but I find great comfort in this space that for me nothing is taboo.........Michael
beyondpar

"I'm going to share with you why I share my story with everyone who crosses my path.....One, because in my 24 years of absolute misery, I never met an ostomate or was told just how life-saving and life-giving it can be......Second, there are thousands of people choosing false hope medicine treatments for things like anal cancer when removal is a must but don't choose removal because a pouch "has to suck" and to be dead is better.........Just those two reasons alone will make me shout it to everyone in the hopes that the next person doesn't wait 24 years like I did and lose everything they ever cared for and had, and to help that next person make the life choice of ostomy.........When people know and understand and see beautiful people like yourself with an ostomy and happy, they too might decide life over death....

While how you poop might not be the most interesting part of you, your journey through your illness is extremely interesting and it has made you extraordinary in the eyes of many, I'm sure.......And for those in your circle to know that you are also an ostomate will only enhance the ostomy image.......They will look at you and say, 'Wow, pretty and beautiful and even sexy, and she has a bag.....Wow, I thought it was only old and smelly and disgusting people,' and one by one it will start to change.......that is why I do it.......It is my badge of honor....It doesn't define me, but it has certainly shaped who I have become and I am so happy to be healthy and it's all because of my ostomy......

Stay well, imperfect.......Your words are a treat to read because they come with full honesty.........Michael"

Past Member

Thank you so much for your open and kind words.

You make a good point about helping that next person make the ostomate choice. I will always share my story with future and new ostomates. As you have seen by my posts, I want them to be totally informed patients. Ask the tough questions. Be their own advocate and partner in their care.    
   
You are so right about that. It is a very important decision to make, one way or another.

Dearest, don't underestimate yourself and put your ostomy on too much of a pedestal. Your ostomy is a tube that excretes feces into a bag.

YOU darling are the source of the positive energy, love, and strength. Capeesh?

Hugs!
kristy<3ann
I know exactly what you mean tarababy! im 21 and i love to go out with friends and wear whatever i want! i still wear all my cute dresses and clothes from before the surgery! ive only had my ileostomy for a short time and i don't tell everyone...i just don't feel like everyone needs to know...like you said im still me whether ppl know or not! as for sex...not even ready to tackle that yet! hahaha
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