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Posted by Angelicamarie, on Thu Aug 01, 2019 1:07 am

This is a story about a married couple and relationships . This couple have been married over 20 years.

When they first married, she was small and shapely. the marriage produced two children. During this time, 20 years plus, she has gained a lot of weight. Her husband was complete opposite, he lost weight; and

had two affairs which led to outside children,

I would think the stress of dealing with that and trying to keep the family together aided in her weight gain.

Also there's a new scandal in her life. He's been caught again, seen by others, kissing on another woman who was barely dressed.

There's photos floating around with him and an ex model, clad in a bikin. He had a towel wrapped around his waist. Some are saying, "it's because of her weight gain that has him straying."

Heck, she could have had an illness that caused her to gain weight. However personally speaking, that's not a reason to stray.

A clinical sexologist weighed in on that story and said"men are visual".  Geez did he want his wife to see the photo?

Is marriage heathier for women as it it for men? Now, some men will not only cheat on his overweight wife, hell, he'll cheat on a small sexy wife too.

Now listen, this don't just happen to women, men are just as vulnable to the same treatment. He marries a heavy woman, later she losses weight and boom, she's no longer content with him.

Do we really know why? Now, you take the above situation and you add sickness such as becoming an ostomate. Some survive the test and many don't. Some stay because of actual love and some

stay perhaps because they don't want to start all over again.

Lets look at a single couples. They're people that have been dating for years. Suddenly, he or she gets sick and due to that illness, becomes an ostomate. Overtime, it overwhelms many of them and they cant handle it.

Then, there are those who say, "That's part of you and I love you." But its not that cut and dry, all the time. Many are lonely and want companionship, not a ship passing through the night.

When I became an ostomate and joined this site, I didn't understand why one would seek only an ostomate for a relationship. Is it because we as ostomates feel we're not worthy of love by a non ostomate?

Is it because our bodies operate differently? Does that mean we can only be with another ostomate? some may or would say, yes. And they would go on to say,"Because you wouldn't have to be ashamed."

or would you deep down inside feel differently?









Last edited by Angelicamarie on Thu Aug 01, 2019 4:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
Reply by scorsby, on Thu Aug 01, 2019 1:47 pm

Hi Angel.

You post as very interesting blog which contains some serious quiestions about relationships. I think that being an ostomate does alter your perspective on relationship and sex. Our bodies are different and many of us are not physically as we were before (know what I mean). But that should not bar us from fulfilling whatever kind of relationship is our choice. 


Reply by Bill, on Fri Aug 02, 2019 3:39 am

Hello Angelicamarie. Thank you once again for another  thought-provoking post.

As you point out, there are many and varied reasons for relationships to go awry and some humans seem to have explored most of them.

It is my own belief that one of the reasons for this lack of faithfulness and commitment to one partner for life is that people have not studied or been educated into what constitutes a 'good' relationship. They don't seem to accept and take responsibility for the work that needs to go into forming a partnership with someone else. 

Interestingly, other 'pack-animals' are often much better at this forming and keeping relationships going than humans are. In this regard I developed a working theory on the main elements of a 'good-relationship' based on the behaviour of the companion-animal (pet). This I called my 'AIMS FOR TODAY'  which can be found in rhyming form on this site under 'member's goals'.

The modern human being seems to have diminished their ability to understand their own responsibilities with regard to relationships in much the same way that they have allowed their morals to slide into a mire of market-place greed and self- fulfillment, rather than working towards a 'common-good'. Thus, they tend to be striving for some unattainable 'happiness', which seems to be promised by the false advertising that the grass is greener somewhaere other than where one is. Very few people are looking for 'contentment' rather than 'happiness because that would mean that they are less likely to spend money and join the human 'rat-race'. 

Contentment in relationships can be a very positive force for making those relationships work in the long-term. However, in any partnership these things need to be worked at and become an integral way of normal life if they are to contribute to the wellbeing of all concerned. 

Just a thought!

Best wishes



Reply by Newbie Dana, on Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:29 pm

Some very good questions, Angelica Marie. There is so much that goes into a relationship - so many stresses and strains as the couple gets to know one another, and eventually comes to the tipping point: am I willing to WORK at keeping this relationship together, or will I only stay as long as it is smooth sailing? Although many people don't realize it, EVERY relationship hits that tipping point at some point, usually when the first BIG stress hits the relationship. Whether that relationship continues depends on BOTH parties deciding that the relationship is worth fighting for and working out a way to keep it on track. In a relationship that both parties believe is worth fighting for, there would be no straying on either part, because they simply do not see any temptation being worth breaking up the relationship. If one or both parties are not willing to work and fight to keep a relationship going, ANYTHING can become the excuse to split apart. That thing could be an ostomy, weight gain, straying with another woman/man - but that would just be the excuse, not the reason.

In actual fact, NO "perfect marriage" without any problems exists. Ask any couple that has been together 20, 30, 40 years - there have always been some rough patch they had to work through, because they believed more in the relationship than their differences, and came to some way to live together amicably in spite of those differences. And yes, I come to this from the perspective of 28 years of marriage, 2 kids, an ostomy, cancer, weight loss and gain, and other issues. Yet here we are, stronger together than ever. It can be done, but it takes work and dedication, and lots of love and patience.

Reply by Coconut, on Wed Aug 21, 2019 1:00 am

The burning question:  “Because you wouldn't have to be ashamed."

Has anyone found a proper alternative to a bag, so that we may at least minimize the physical presence of a bag during sex?

A cap of some sort? Then after sex, the post-coital cigarette and NO SHAME.

Reply by Bill, on Wed Aug 21, 2019 1:31 am
Coconut wrote:

The burning question:  “Because you wouldn't have to be ashamed."

Has anyone found a proper alternative to a bag, so that we may at least minimize the physical presence of a bag during sex?

A cap of some sort? Then after sex, the post-coital cigarette and NO SHAME.

Hello Coconut. I wear a Coloplast stoma plug everyday without any problems. There are also 'caps' available - but I am not familiar with these devices. 

I feel sure that either of these would probably suffice as a temporary arrangement during sex but nothing is foolproof in the sphere of stoma management so there is always a risk, especially if one has high output. 

Of course there is another way of pecieving this problem:  'SHAME' is a social/psycholgical and emotional phenomenon. Perhaps it is this that should be worked upon to diminish its effect, rather than looking for physical solutions which may or may not be effective. 

Just a thought!

Best wishes


Reply by Coconut, on Fri Aug 23, 2019 11:42 am

Thanks for your thoughts Bill! I will seek out the item that you suggested: every detail counts for me at the moment!

The big break-through for me is going to be all of the steps leading to intimacy.  Not been there yet since my surgery.

But the author’s use of the words ‘...wouldn’t have to be ashamed’ spoke volumes to me of the stigma folks attach to having an ostomy when being intimate.

I think the same would be true of folks at a nudist gathering where the bag would be quite visible, and the need to be emboldened to behave naturally, as naturists do!




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