Losing hope

In July of 2011, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I got my Urostomy at the end of July/2011. I feel lucky and blessed to be alive and well, and all my scans have all come back clear. They stopped my routine scans after 5 years.

My wife left me shortly after my surgery in March of 2012. I didn't even know what an Ostomy was until after my diagnosis and being told what my options were. I knew nobody else with an Ostomy. After my wife left me I started researching everything to do with ostomies and found this site, as well as one more ostomy dating site, and I was super excited. Well, that excitement didn't last long at all. I live in a major Canadian city yet there were very few women in my area on this site. The other site I'm referring to only has 2 women looking to date, and the few women available I don't feel are my type, or there is no attraction or common ground; other than having an Ostomy. I find it frustrating that people on this site want to find a relationship yet don't post a picture. I'm no model but I do feel there needs to be SOME sort of attraction to connect initially, and I don't understand why people who say they are looking for a relationship don't post a picture??

When I first joined there were about 7,500 members and now there are like 23,000 members. Well in 10 years I can count on one hand how many new female members joined that are in my area, and it's very discouraging. I did connect with a female ostomate in an amazing way, but she lives far East in the US. The females I find compatible with me are in the UK and in eastern USA. I can't relocate as I am still working until I'm 60 and have 17 and 19 year old daughters. Seems like there are a tonne of women with ostomies in the UK?? I might have to move there! Lol

I know many people may respond saying why are you limiting yourself to only women that have an ostomy. Well I have dated a handful of "normal" women since my divorce and I always felt off, and it just didn't feel right to me in my head. Sometimes I felt unworthy of them and other times I just felt so different which made me feel a bit insecure especially during intimacy. I have been with one ostomate and the comfort I felt was amazing. I didn't think about my ostomy or insecurities for a second, and that's what I want. I want someone that is in the same world/boat as me and just gets it. No shyness or feelings of unworthiness. If there's an accident or a pouch blow out we just laugh and support each other.

I'm 53 and I honestly feel I'll most likely be single forever. I'm very independent and I'm good alone, but I'm made to be with someone. I have a lot to give and have a great job and I'm financially secure. My surgeon told me he removes about 90 bladders a year, and I know they aren't all males, so where are all the female Ostomates around Vancouver Canada?? That's not even including the colostomies and ileostomies performed per year. So 10 years have gone by and only a handful have joined?? Maybe they are so insecure and embarrassed that they have isolated themselves??

Losing hope fast and I'm not getting any prettier with age! Lol....anyway, just venting and feeling frustrated. Maybe some of you can totally relate, and I'm sure many of you will think I'm being narrow minded. Like I said I've dated women with no ostomy and it never felt right to me personally. I have accepted my ostomy and manage it well, but I can't help the way I feel about wanting an ostomate soulmate.

In the meantime I'll keep hoping one day I log on here and there is someone for me in my area. I don't wanna do the long distance thing either, I wanna hangout and do things together on the spur of the moment.

Anyway, wishing good luck to all the single Ostomates on here looking for love and hope you find your forever ostomate

Have you looked under Find Members tab at the top of the page? Then click on the Relactionship Search. Not sure if there is anyony there that would be ;compatible for you or not. Best wishes and stay safe

Yes I have MANY MANY times :) nbsp

have you tried chacking out an ostomy support group near you? even if you don't need "support" per se, you might meet some interesting (and single!) people.

I was going to support group meetings on a regular basis pre covid, but the average age was like 65-75 yrs old. I was the youngest there, lol. It was still nice going to help others. nbsp

ah.  well, there has to be something. it's too bad that there seem to be so many ostomates in the same boat and no easy answers.. nbsp

Stop just looking for a person with an Ostomy .. there are very few of us . Try talking to people on regular dating sites. Take your time and seek a kind ,compassionate person who sees more than your stoma. Remember your Ostomy has allowed you to have a normal life. Be proud ! Always remember there are plenty of fish in the sea.. but you have to put your pole out to catch something worthwhile. While you looking find a hobby and volunteer work that women ;join too. You may get rejected or your heartbroken .. just cry and move on !! You have a great smile !

there is a single with ostomy group on facebook. you might try there too.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/singleswithstomas/?ref=share

Thanks for the compliment :) I've dated women without an Ostomy and I just never feel right. Plus the stress in waiting when and how to tell them weighs heavy on me. The day I tell them, which is usually the third date, I'm a complete spaced out mess as I can't enjoy the date because I'm not mentally present cause the whole date I'm thinking about having "the talk". nbsp

I understand "the talk " is hard for me too.. the fear of rejection but my other choice is to be alone .. I have had a couple a boyfriends after my divorce wonderful men. Each relationship last a couple of years.

My desire for a good relationship is far stronger then my fear of "the talk" which only takes a few minutes and you know where you stand with the person. Take care and good luck.

Hey mate,

had the same ups and downs as yourself over the years with in and out of hospital, appointments and the dreaded bag both in 2000 and 2001, with a failed reversal back in 2008 at Oxford JR. ialsohave diabetes and ehler danlos syndrome. The problem in this world with the dreaded relationship issue with the bag I sent that we did not ask for one ourselves even if we'd all been really sick, we all want to be like everyone else and the perfect ppl, if more people in this world could either get along and be together or be one offs like ourselves, we'd all be ok. Then again there's be no war or or probably no COVID etc.

i had the same issues when I've met people on here over the years, it's even just been a date or two or on the Ostomates site and just sent emails back and fourth and for a while that's ok, keeps you going. I e also been in relationships with non bag wearers and they were very different as it's was their problem they did not like me or get on with my health issues. I'm sorry to here of your troubles with relationships and all I can tell you keep your head up and keep positive, something will come up, keep reading and replying to the forums and searching for anyone really weather or here or on ordinary websites, not all women will let you down, trust in yourself.

keep your head up mate,

Darren c , England.

Hey Uro,

Wow, great post!I'm just getting into the dating thing with COVID letting up and I hear ya. The only thing I can tell you is what my car salesman friend told me......there's an ass for every seat!So don't stop looking. Give me a couple months to wade into the dating waters and I'll report back. Hopefully with some good advice, but probably with a little of both. Personally I don't mind if someone rejects me because of my bag.........or any reason. It just means they weren't the one for me, and I'm glad they're not wasting my valuable time that I need to find her. Some days I get up and I look in the mirror and say who the hell is gonna want to deal with me and my shit filled water balloon? But other days I just say f *k it........if you don't like me the way I am.......screw you. Go find some asswipe who's gonna treat you like shit but have a perfect six pack. More power to you. We'll see who regrets what down the line. Oh, I didn't say that out loud did I? Damn!

Just hang in there. She's out there for ya.......probably looking right now. Maybe with an ostomy, maybe without. Maybe she'll have some other issue and can relate to being butcheredup. Or maybe she'll just be mature enough to see the good guy behind the ostomy. It's not like anyone's getting prettier or healthier. Once the COVID thing lets up, or folks just get tired of being caged up........there will be a lot of folks itching to get out and meet people. Get yourself in the middle of that and don't look back. And stop telling me bad shit about dating with an ostomy..........you're gonna give me a friggin' complex!And we all know how sensitive I am!!! (LMAO)

;0)

bob

All I can say is if I had your hats and coat women would be lined up for a date! Lol nbsp

Yeah, that's why I can't tell you where I got them.........you'd steal all my women. nbsp; Unless I made you my partner and called you Tonto! nbsp; nbsp

HI-HO-Silver............Awaaaaay!

bob

Still waiting for the pictures of the new hats you promised.

Thanks! I'll check it out :) nbsp

Yeah, I will too, before Uro goes and steals all my women again! nbsp; nbsp

;0)

bob

. nbsp

man alive, between the two of you and the Brit, ladies of the world won't know what's hit them... at least you all are spread out internationally! nbsp

Thanks Wisconsin.........I almost forgot about Darren over there in the UK getting all the GB Osto-hotties! nbsp; He's got to learn to share, that boy does!!!

Uro....you up for a little trip across the pond to see what Darren's keeping all to himself???

;0)

bob

Darren has A LOT of female Ostomates over in the UK, I think he needs to share, lol. nbsp

I e spoken to a few on jere over the years and met up with a few when they had the ileostomy IA in Edinburgh back in 2006, back never had a relationship as such! Only speak now and again if I lucky enough to get a reply mate!

SURE Darren........whatever you say. nbsp; You can't tell me a guy who smiles like that isn't getting some action on the side! nbsp; Good try Buddy!! nbsp; Uro and I are coming over there to steal your thunder!!! nbsp; Soon as this pandemic crap is over with!!! nbsp; Fair warning. nbsp; nbsp

Cheers!

;0)

bob

Did you find any,or are you keeping it a secret so Bob doesn't steal her away from ya lol XX

What?What did I miss?Where is Uro??I closed my eyes for a few seconds........and he's gone!

This would be a lot easier if we could find twins!!!Just sayin!

;0)

bob

Now now Bob that's just gready lol x

Oh, I wouldn't call it greedy.....I'd say it's more in line with "finders keepers, losers weepers"!

;0)

I have found that I will never meet anyone near my area. I have to be willing to do long distance until a time comes when it's possible to be nearer to one another or more. It's hard to meet people, and the more different we are, the harder it is to relate. For example I am a widow, my late husband died of ALS, and now I'm about to get a urostomy bag. I don't think I could feel any less like I don't fit it most places. Like you, I'd love to find a soul mate, especially with the same condition I am about to be in. To do so I'll have to keep my options pretty wide open. If you're interested in talking more, let me know. Wishing you all the best.

Hi BC -

I know exactly how you feel. I've been an ostomate (colostomy) for over 12 years, and even though I've "dated" many times, no one knows just what we go through sometimes. It's not easy finding that feeling of worth. I lost that after my husband of 32 years decided he couldn't cope with my new kind of normal. Just as well. We find our own way eventually. Now I'm in a good place - older but wiser. What is important to me has changed. If a bond with someone happens in this late stage of life they'll be the lucky one but only if there's reciprocation. Move forward, be kind and treat others like you would want to be treated in return. Good luck and keep smiling!

I had my ostomy last month . The guys I meet say the bag doesn't bother them ... even before having my ileostomy it would t have bothered me if I met a guy with one .

I had my ostomy last month . The guys I meet say the bag doesn't bother them ... even before having my ileostomy it wouldn't have bothered me if I met a guy with one . If someone had an issue then they're not the right person for you anyway . X