Finding Love with an Ostomy: Is it Possible?

Wow!!!!!!!!!!! I have had my ostomy for many years and rarely have I had a problem with dating and intimacy. When the time comes, you have to be forthright and honest. If they reject you for who you are, you learn to move on and find someone who cares for you and understands the circumstances.......Al

Thanks, Marietta - I think you hit the nail on the head - I haven't put myself out there either, so far I haven't had to worry about being intimate! I haven't put myself in a position to be rejected or accepted for myself as I am now with not just an ostomy but a horribly disfigured abdomen full of scar tissue (worse than the ostomy!)

Seriously, for those of us who are shy and reserved, what's the best way to find other people who want a friend/companion/lover? I haven't made any headway through school or any of the healthcare-related groups I belong to.

I don't even meet anyone walking my dog or on Sierra Club hikes! Maybe I should try Elderhostel.

Had my bag for some 6 or seven years...had a few partners in that time and although it did cause one or two minor problems...it never stopped the sex or initially finding a partner...the reasons for splitting are nothing to do with ostomy...lol...and at present looking for a 3rd...maybe a keeper this time....moral being...don't give up...have to admit I would sooner find an ostomate myself though...just for the removal of any awkwardness...would be easier...but at 61...I ain't sooo fussy...lol

I am scared to have sex, even though my fly-by-night friend knows. He said it will not bother him, but I don't know if it will, because we haven't done anything yet. But with California, I would love to bump bags. My bag is on the left side, so where is yours? I also have buttons for mine. I can wear them for about an hour or so. They are great for swimming. An ostomy nurse told me about them. She uses them when she has sex, so I would love to try them out. Also, the best thing that happened to me was the surgery. No more accidents and running to clean myself up. Everyone, have a good one.

I've been married for almost twelve years, and ever since I got my bag, my husband doesn't even touch me unless it's to his convenience. Sometimes I think an ostomate partner would be better...understand each other.

I'm pretty sure BikerBoy, someone out there will bump bags with you. Just keep your head up, you look pretty good from your picture. Good luck.

Hi BettyBop, I think I'm with you about that. I think I'm going to try and get up with another ostomy. I had a friend for the last 11 years, but since the surgery on Feb. 16, he isn't coming around too much. I'm 63 and still very active and want to stay that way. I don't want to get buried before my time, but I do think I'm a little afraid of anyone seeing me naked. I'm afraid they would run, but maybe not another ostomy. It is your husband's loss, not yours. Keep your head high. He couldn't have gone through what you did.

Your still young yet, only 61. I'm 63 and we still have a lot of life in us. I'm with you though, I would like to find someone, but it's hard here in Ohio. They seem to run away. Take care.

Just reading all these posts about potential partners and how they react to our baggage, I love mine. It saved my life. It's not quite six months since my OP, so still a bit raw to go looking for a bag banging experience [haha]. I am 45 and like I said, only had my urostomy 6 months but no longer use the term "going to the bathroom" or "need a wee". Oh no, much to my kids' annoyance, I now say I am going to empty my bag. So I think that means I have already accepted that it's part of me. But just part. If people were repulsed by me because of it, then without a shadow of a doubt, they are not worth knowing.

Hello all: I have been married twice, once for 15 years and once for 22 years. The first divorce was due to my husband's cheating on me, and the second was due to my husband's severe drinking. Neither of these men would have tolerated me with an ostomy, so it is good that I was already alone when I became ill. I do think that there are men out there who would tolerate a woman with an ostomy. It really is terrible that a husband of over twenty years would reject a wife that becomes ill and has an ostomy. How awful! Just when you need compassion and emotional support, the man leaves you. All the best to you who have suffered this rejection. CCogan

Having the bag has not made any difference - I was useless at pulling girls before the stoma, I am just as useless at it after - lol.

Seriously though, I suppose that there must be cases where the potential partner is put off, but we have to live with that. As we get older it's probably not as important, like the "must have own hair and teeth syndrome", it gently fades away as age inflicts imperfections.

Before my op, I was given the choice of an external bag or reconnection. I chose an external bag as it seemed that the only benefit of reconnection was cosmetic, and there were more potential problems with reconnection. I have never regretted that decision. Finding the right partner can be difficult without a stoma, so to me, the stoma just makes it a little more challenging. That said, it can be an aid to finding the right partner in that if I am accepted, it is more likely to be for who I am. The big question for me is - when do I tell them about the stoma? I suppose that if I meet someone on here, I won't have to worry about that one.

Hi Kevin, at least having a stoma sorts out the wheat from the chaff when it comes to partners! You have a very positive outlook on life, and I hope you find true friendships on this site. Good luck.

And another positive story; I have had my ileostomy for over 2 years and just recently started dating. I was always thinking the pouch would be an issue, but with this man it isn't at all. He knew a friend that had a pouch for years since Vietnam and it (I swear) is the last thing I worry about now. Yes, there is always the possibility of a leak; it has happened to me in a most intimate time...but really, I feel proud nekkid; I have no more body issues than anyone else, pouched or not! I hope you feel more sure of yourself hon, lexfeelsprettyagain.

That's excellent, Lex!  After all, we should all feel proud, naked!  Haven't seen you post on the forum for a while, good to know you have been otherwise occupied!

Cheers,
Jo x

How great! Excellent news, Lex! xxxxxxx

If I may chime in:

I've had my colostomy for 15 years, and frankly, I've been the poster child for poor acceptance. Yes, I knew it saved my life and that I had no choice, blah blah, but I was 39 years old, and I believed my sexuality was destroyed and the fun was O-V-E-R!

I've had three relationships and I'm not sure who had greater issues with the ostomy, my partners or me.

However, at 55, when I had pretty much accepted the idea that I would never get comfortable with my "altered" self, I have met the right man and I'm having the best and most uninhibited sexual relationship of my life. I would never have believed this could happen. Honestly, for it to be "okay," I think it has to be with a truly mature partner who is seriously interested in you. Besides my colostomy, I have more scars than I can count from more surgeries than I can remember. None of my flaws seem to matter and I have never felt sexier.

I wish everyone the same luck. I sure never expected it to happen to me.

Roger that, and all the others on this thread,

It is obvious that this was/is an important topic! Thanks for bringing it up. It will rank near the top for 'Topic of the year!'

There is some very good education here and everyone's contribution is important. That is what makes this site so important to so many.

Loren

Wow. I am so thankful for my husband. He hasn't acted or treated any differently since the surgery. We have a great sex life. We talked about the ileostomy before I had surgery. He had the same answer - he wanted me healthy and to have his wife back. When I was sick, I wasn't able to participate in family things and I was in the hospital for months at a time. My husband is supportive and my biggest fan. My kids are growing up knowing that people are different colors, shapes, and some have medical concerns. My kids don't see my bag as weird or gross - it is just me. I'm so sorry that some of you are going through such heartache and loneliness. I know there are good people out there that an ostomy wouldn't be a deal breaker for them. Don't give up. Enjoy your new lease on life and live for you - it will increase confidence and you will enjoy being yourself - that is very attractive to people and you will meet people with the same interests. I hope everyone finds the love of their life. Take care.

I am 37 years old and now feel I will be alone.......it's hard enough coming out of a harsh marriage......the trust, the hurt...the pain but then to have this on top of it all...how can I allow anyone in?
I think it's hard enough trying to find a relationship without added complications.
Acceptance is such a big thing in my life.....I ain't the prettiest or the slimmest but I know I could offer so much....then comes the bag issue...so I get past the first lot of issues and the next come along.
I yearn for someone to share my life with.....to be able to be naked...to be able to be the "old time" who had no hang-ups....to feel a man's body so close to me without "getting wet".
I know this has saved my life but it doesn't stop me from feeling lonely.....less of a woman.....or a middle-aged woman stuck in a body that she never asked for.

Just my point of view....no malice intended.

XX

Tine - I SO agree with everything you've written here. Whatever you can do to regain your previous feelings of self-esteem - exercise, hypnosis, whatever! - go for it! Because it just gets harder as you get older. Men get scarcer. You are in the PRIME of life right now...don't let it slip away!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

And Firegirl 25 - you are wise to realize how fortunate you are to be with the right man!

It's probably been said before, but it seems that the first thing we have to do is accept ourselves, and then allow others to accept us.

Healing is a process with both a physical and emotional side. These heal at different rates, and if it is taking a while longer to heal emotionally, it's probably quite normal as we need to get to the point of being healed physically before the mind fully understands and accepts what is going to be "the norm".

This site is a brilliant place to come for information, to make new friends, and maybe even start a relationship. Not having to explain things to a potential partner because they too are an ostomate certainly keeps things closer to the comfort zone, but we must not take the easy option of looking to date an ostomate just because they'll understand while excluding dating others for fear of rejection.

I became a born again singleton long before my surgery, and trust me - you don't need a bag to be rejected on a date. There are a whole host of reasons why two people don't click and I honestly feel that it's all too easy to blame it on the bag. Thinking back to my pre-op days, if I had dated someone who was special, then found out that she was an ostomate, it certainly would not have put me off. So, now it's my turn, and as I said in my previous post, the stoma could even work to my advantage now as, if I meet someone and we click and decide to take things further, then it's going to be with someone less shallow than if they run at the mention of a bag, and we are more likely to be there for each other no matter what happens.

Perhaps the other issue here, besides us accepting ourselves, is public perception. We all tend to keep personal things quiet, thus there is a general lack of awareness about stomas etc, and it could possibly be this lack of awareness that makes people less willing to accept us.

Greater public awareness may benefit us all, but I think I'd be drifting off topic to discuss this further here so I'll close now.

Oi - wake up - I've finished!

Hi, I really enjoyed your point of view. "When to tell" has been the topic of many discussions, back from when I was a teen, and sharing with a young adult ostomy group....and again after divorcing my ostomate spouse of 24 1/2 years. We had so many differences that the ostomy couldn't begin to keep us together.

In my experience, if I feel like I want a relationship to become intimate, I disclose long before we're in that situation. I never want to have to be on the spot to explain.....although that has happened to me, and it hasn't been a problem. I think it's up to the individual..... I just feel that sooner is better than later. I hope this helps. Thanks to all for the honest and helpful responses.

You are not doomed, someone will come along. I am sure, there are many good women out there looking for someone true.
I am already taken, have been married for 47 years and happy with my ostomy.
Travel

Sturbridge wow..I have a second home in Charlton, MA..used to be our permanent residence, but we are now residents of Florida...but still maintain our home in MA...
Yes, there is life after an ostomy....
My husband got prostate cancer in May 2007 and a month later I ended up with a cecostomy... we are both survivors... we are fortunate.
Travel

Roger that - I honestly think you speak for all of us with an ostomy when you say you have doubts about intimacy with the opposite sex. I'm 64 and lived most of my life with multiple sclerosis before colitis and "the bag" 6 years ago. The MS put most men off, but had a few relationships, then met what I thought was a lovely man on another ostomy site. We finally met and hit it off straight away, and of course there was no embarrassment about the bags - in fact we had a good laugh about them. While I had been thinking how lucky I was to have met someone I had so much in common with - as well as an ostomate - I hadn't realized that the bipolar he had mentioned early in the relationship was suddenly going to turn him from loving me to being completely indifferent to me overnight. The relationship ended there, but it was nothing to do with the bag situation. We all have faults, illness, mental conditions, or other imperfections, and if someone doesn't like your bag, they are saying, basically, that they don't like you. There are many, many people with loving partners on this other site - acquired before or after their ileo op. You sound like a nice guy and that's much more important than having, as someone else said, a silly little bag. Don't give up hope, and remember that anyone with diarrhea can have an accident in bed! It's only poo after all. A sense of humor is very important too. If you can make a joke of it with a partner, so much the better. Good luck in your search.

Doesn't everyone these days "come with baggage," one sort or another? It's just that we have a little more baggage than most - keep a sense of humor. I laugh about it now when I could have cried in the past. It has got me down but not out...but we have all suffered, and perhaps because of it, become a little more tolerant and wiser. I think more attention ought to be paid by the medics to the emotional side of coping with a new body image and performance. Anyway, "sex" what's that??!!

Very well said...

Tine, your profile pics show you as a very pretty gal and your conversations here say that you are a good person. Any man would be lucky to get any kind of attention from you. I don't think loneliness will be a problem for much longer.

Thanks Tiggy, you are very great and have made me feel better than I have been diverting, that feeling of diverting as unnecessary is a reminder of how I felt about life pre-op, like contentment, I can't remember, now 7 months after op.

PS I would still prefer someone from my planet

Tine,
I think you sell yourself short by stating you're not the prettiest or the slimmest. Rhetorically speaking, by whose standard do you judge yourself? The socially portrayed norms in modern media of acceptable attractiveness are not the absolute bottom line and, in reality, vary from person to person. There are men out there, myself included, despite how you feel about yourself, who agree with Swiffer and would find you to be totally "HOT" based on your appearance/photos and in lieu of your personality, which I'm guessing is great! Your perception of yourself is half the battle.

Like the rest of us, you have been dealt a hand of cards that you may or may not like. How you choose to play that hand is strictly up to you. Accepting yourself and your situation is the only thing that matters before you can accept or relate to others. The face and body that I look at every morning in the mirror is not perfect..............I don't necessarily like it...........but I do accept it! And I fully expect others, to whom I relate to intimately, to accept it as well! As soon as you become comfortable in your own skin, the men will notice and you will be picking and choosing!

You mentioned the trust issue after a harsh marriage..............that I can relate to! It's my biggest problem now! I can't offer advice here because I can't seem to overcome my own trust issues, and they completely outweigh my Ostomy issues!