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Am I doomed from having a partner?

Posted by np123, on Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:38 pm
wow!!!!!!!!!!! I have had my ostomy for many years and rarely have I had a problem with dating and intimacy.  When the time comes you have to forth right and honest. If they reject you for who you are , you learn to move on and find someone who cares for you  and understands the circumstances.......Al
Reply by Pinky, on Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:36 pm
Thanks, Marrietta - I think you hit the nail on the head - I haven't put myself out there either, so so far I haven't had to worry about being intimate!  I haven't put myself in a position to be rejected OR accepted for myself as I am now with not just an ostomy but horribly disfigured abdomen full of scar tissue (worse than the ostomy!)  Very Happy

Seriously, for those of us who are shy and reserved, what's the best way to find other people who want a friend/companion/lover?  I haven't made any headway through school or any of the health care related groups I belong to.

I don't even meet anyone walking my dog or on Sierra Club hikes!  Maybe I should try Elderhostel  Wink
Reply by bymeown, on Sat Oct 16, 2010 6:28 am
had my bag some 6 or seven years...had a few partners in that time and although it did cause one or two minor probs...it never stoped the sex or initialy finding a partner...the reasons for spliting  are nothing to do with ostomy...lol...and at present looking for a 3rd...maybe a keeper this time....moral being...dont give up...have to admit i would sooner find an ostomate myself tho...just for the removal of any awkwardness...would be easier..but at 61...i aint sooo fussy...lol
Reply by sherrybear, on Sat Oct 16, 2010 7:42 pm
I am scare to have sex,even though my fly by night friend knows he said it will not bother him, but I don't if it will,cause we haven't done anything yet? but with california i would love to bump bags, my is on the left side,so where is yours? I also have buttons for mine,I can wear them about an hour or so,they are great for swimming. An ostomy nurse told me about them,she uses them when she has sex,so I would love to try them out. Also this was the best thing that happen to me was the surgery,no more accidents,and running to clean myself up. everyone one have a good one.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sat Oct 16, 2010 7:58 pm
i've been married for almost twelve years,  an ever since I got my bag,  my husband doesn't even touch me unless its to his convenience.  Sometimes i think an ostomate partner would be better...understand eachother.
Reply by sherrybear, on Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:32 pm
I'M PREETY SURE BIKERBOY SOMEONE OUT THERE WILL BUMP BAGS WITH YOU.JUST KEEP YOUR HEAD UP,YOU LOOK PRETTY GOOD FROM YOUR PICTURE. GOOD LUCK.
Reply by sherrybear, on Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:38 pm
HI BETTYBOP,I THINK I'M WITH YOU ABOUT THAT,I THINK I'M GOING TO TRY AND GET UP WITH ANOTHER OSTOMY,I HAD A FRIEND FOR THE LAST 11 YEARS,BUT SINCE THE SURGERY FEB.16 HE ISN'T COMING AROUND TO MUCH. I'M 63 AND STILL VERY ACTIVE AND WANT TO STAY THAT WAY,DON'T WANT TO TO GET BURIED BEFORE MY TIME,BUT I DO THINK I'M A LITTLE AFRAID OF ANYONE TO SEE MENAKED,AFRAID THEY WOULD RUN.BUT MAYBE NOT ANOTHER OSTOMY. IT IS YOUR HUSBANDS LOST NOT YOURS. KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH,HE COULDN'T OF WENT THROUHG WANT YOU DID.
Reply by sherrybear, on Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:42 pm
YOUR STILL YOUNG YET,ONLY 61 I'M 63 AND WE STILL HAVE ALOT OF LIFE IN US. I'M WITH YOU THOUH I WOULD LIKE TO FINE SOMEONE ,BUT IT HARD HERE IN OHIO,THEY SEEM TO RUN AWAY.TAKE CARE.
Reply by sandi12, on Thu Oct 21, 2010 4:04 pm
Just READING ALL THESE POSTS ABOUT POTENTIAL PARTNERS AND HOW THEY REACT TO OUR BAGAGE, I LOVE MINE IT SAVED MY LIFE, ITS NOT QUITE SIX MONTHS SINCE MY OP, SO STILL A BIT ROAR TO GO LOOKING FOR A BAG BANGING EXPERIENCE[haha] I AM 45 AND LIKE I SAID ONLY HAD MY UROSTOMY 6 MONTHS BUT NO LONGER USE THE TERM GOING TO USE THE BATHROOM, OR NEED A WEE, OH NO MUCH TO MY KIDS ANNOYANCE I NOW SAY IAM GOING TO EMPTY MY BAG, SO I THINK THAT MEANS I HAVE ALREADY EXCECPTED THAT ITS PART OF ME. BUT JUST PART, IF PEOPLE WHERE REPULSED BY ME BECAUSE OF IT THEN WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT THEY ARE NOT WORTH KNOWING
Reply by C Cogan, on Sun Oct 24, 2010 3:38 pm
Hello All: I have been married twice once for 15 years and once for 22 years. The first divorce was due to my husband's cheating on me and the second was due to my husband's severe drinking. Neither of these men would have tolerated me with an ostomy so it is good that I was already alone when I became ill. I do think that there are men out there who would tolerate a women with an ostomy. It really is terrible that a husband of over twenty years would reject a wife that becomes ill and has an ostomey. How awful, Just when you need compassion and emotional support, the man leaves you. All the best to you who have suffered this rejection. CCogan
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Oct 25, 2010 1:15 am
Having the bag has not made any difference - I was useless at pulling girls before the stoma, I am just as useless at it after - lol.

Seriously though, I suppose that there must be cases where the potential partner is put off, but we have to live with that. As we get older it's probably not as important, like the "must have own hair and teeth sysdrome", it gently fades away as age inflicts imperfections.

Before my op, I was given the choice of external bag, or reconnection. I chose external bag as it seemed that the only benefit of reconnection was cosmetic, and there were more potential problems with reconnection. I have never regretted that decision.  Finding the right partner can be difficult without a stoma so, to me, the stoma just makes it a little more challenging. That said, it can be an aid to finding the right partner in that, if I am accepted, it is more likely to be for who I am. The big question for me is - when do I tell them about the stoma? I suppose that if I meet someone on here, I won't have to worry about that one.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:23 am
Hi Kevin, at least having a stoma sorts out the wheat from the chaff when it comes to partners! You have a very positive outlook on life, and I hope you find true friendships on this site, good luck'
Reply by lexus1, on Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:07 am
and another positive story; I have had my ileostomy for over 2 years and just recently started dating. I was always thinking the pouch would be an issue, but with this man it isnt at all. he knew a friend that had a pouch for years since Vietnam and it (I swear) is the last thing I worry about now. Yes, there is always the possibility of a leak; It has happened to me in a most intimate time...but really, I feel proud nekkid; I have no more body issues than anyone else, pouched or not!  I hope you feel more sure of yourself hon, lexfeelsprettyagain
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Oct 25, 2010 1:46 pm
                                 
lexus1 wrote:
and another positive story; I have had my ileostomy for over 2 years and just recently started dating. I was always thinking the pouch would be an issue, but with this man it isnt at all. he knew a friend that had a pouch for years since Vietnam and it (I swear) is the last thing I worry about now. Yes, there is always the possibility of a leak; It has happened to me in a most intimate time...but really, I feel proud nekkid; I have no more body issues than anyone else, pouched or not!  I hope you feel more sure of yourself hon, lexfeelsprettyagain


That's excellent lex!  After all we should all feel proud nekkid!   Haven't seen you post on the forum for a while, good to know you have been otherwise occupied!

Cheers,
Jo x
Reply by lottagelady, on Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:30 pm
                                 
lexus1 wrote:
and another positive story; I have had my ileostomy for over 2 years and just recently started dating. I was always thinking the pouch would be an issue, but with this man it isnt at all. he knew a friend that had a pouch for years since Vietnam and it (I swear) is the last thing I worry about now. Yes, there is always the possibility of a leak; It has happened to me in a most intimate time...but really, I feel proud nekkid; I have no more body issues than anyone else, pouched or not!  I hope you feel more sure of yourself hon, lexfeelsprettyagain



How great! Excellent news Lex xxxxxxx
Reply by CarrieAnn, on Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:24 pm
If I may chime in:  

I've had my colostomy for 15 years, and frankly, I've been the poster child for poor acceptance.  Yes, I knew it saved my life and that I had no choice, blah blah, but I was 39 yrs. old, and I believed my sexuality was destroyed and the fun was O-V-E-R!  

I've had three relationships and I'm not sure who had greater issues with the ostomy, my partners or me.

However, at 55, when I had pretty much accepted the idea that I would never get comfortable with my "altered" self, I have met the right man and I'm having the best and most uninhibited sexual relationship of my life.  I would never have believed this could happen.  Honestly, for it to be "okay," I think it has to be with a truly mature partner who is seriously interested in you.  Besides my colostomy, I have more scars than I can count from more surgeries than I can remember.  None of my flaws seem to matter and I have never felt sexier.

I wish everyone the same luck.  I sure never expected it to happen to me.
Reply by loren4life, on Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:41 pm
Roger that, and all the others on this thread,

It is obvious that this was/is an important topic!  Thanks for bringing it up.  It will rank near the top for 'Topic of the year!'

There is some very good education here and everyone's contribution is important.  That is what makes this site so important to so many.

Loren
Reply by Firegirl25, on Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:48 pm
WOW. I am so thankful for my husband. He hasn't acted or treated any differently since the surgery. We have a great sex life. We talked about the ileostomy before I had surgery. He had the same answer- he wanted me healthy and to have his wife back. When I was sick I wasn't able to participate in family things and I was in the hospital for months at a time. My husband is supportive and my biggest fan. My kids are growing up knowing that people are different colors, shapes, and some have medical concerns. My kids don't see my bag as weird or gross- it is just me. I'm so sorry that some of you are going through such heartache and loneliness. I know there are good people out there that an ostomy wouldn't be a deal breaker for them. Don't give up. Enjoy your new lease on life and live for you- it will increase confidence and you will enjoy being yourself- that is very attractive to people and you will meet people with the same interests. I hope everyone finds their love of their life. Take care
Reply by tine, on Wed Oct 27, 2010 7:27 pm
I am 37 years old and now feel i will be alone.......its hard enough coming out of a harsh marriage......the trust, the hurt...the pain but then to have this ontop of it all...how can i allow anyone in?
I think its hard enough trying to find a relationship without added complications
Acceptance is such a big thing thing in my life.....i aint the prettiest or the slimmest but know i could offer so much....then comes the bag issue...so i get past the first lot of issues and the next come along
I yearn for someone to share my life with.....to be able to be naked...to be able to be the "old tine" who had no hang ups....to feel a mans body so close to me without "getting wet"
I know this has saved my life but it doesnt stop me from feeling lonely.....less of a woman.....or a middle aged woman stuck in a body that she never asked for

Just my point of view....no mallice intended

XX
Reply by Pinky, on Wed Oct 27, 2010 7:43 pm
Tine - I SO agree with everything you've written here.  Whatever you can do to regain your previous feelings of self-esteem - exercise, hypnosis, whatever! - go for it!  Because it just gets harder as you get older. Men get scarcer. You are in the PRIME of life right now...don't let it slip away!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.      Smile

And Firegirl 25 - you are wise to realize how fortunate you are to be with the right man!  Smile
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:33 am
It's probably been said before, but it seems that the first thing we have to do is accept ouselves, and then allow others to accept us.

Healing is a process with both a physical and emotional side. These heal at different rates, and if it is taking a while longer to heal emotionally, it's probably quite normal as we need to get to the point of being healed physically before the mind fully understands and accepts what is going to be "the norm".

This site is a brilliant place to come for information, to make new friends, and maybe even start a relatinship. Not having to explain things to a potential partner because they too are an ostomate certainly keeps thing closer to the comfort zone, but we must not take the easy option of looking to date an ostomate just because they'll understand while excluding dating others for fear of rejection.

I became a born again singleton long before my surgery, and trust me - you don't need a bag to be rejected on a date. There's are a whole host of reasons why two people don't click and I honestly feel that it's all too easy to blame it on the bag. Thinking back to my pre op days, if I had dated someone who was special, then found out that she was an ostomate, it certainly would not have put me off. So, now it's my turn, and as I said in my previous post, the stoma could  even work to my advantage now as, if I meet someone and we click and decide to take things further, then it's going to be with someone less shallow than if they run at the mention of  bag, and we are more likely to be there for each other no matter what happens.

Perhaps the other issue here, besides us accepting ourselves, is public perception. We all tend to keep personal things quiet, thus there is a general lack of awareness about stomas etc, and it could possibly be this lack of awareness that makes people less willing to accept us.

Greater public awareness may benefit us all, but I think I'd be drifting off topic to discuss this further here so I'll close now.

Oi - wake up - I've finished!
Reply by Immarsh, on Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:14 am
Hi,  I really enjoyed your point of view.  "When to tell" has been the topic of many discussions, back from when I was a teen, and sharing with a young adult ostomy group....and again after divorcing my ostomate spouse of 24 1/2 years.  We had so many differences that the ostomy couldn't beging to keep us together.  

In my experience,  if I feel like I want a relationship to become intimate, I disclose long before we're in that situation.  I never want to have to be on the spot to explain.....   although that has happened to me, and it hasn't been a problem.   I think it's up to the individual.....  I just feel that sooner is better than later.  I hope this helps.  Thanks to all for the honest and helpful responses.
Reply by travel, on Fri Oct 29, 2010 1:26 am
You are not doomed, somene will come along.. I am sure, there are many good women out there looking for somneone true.
I am already taken..have been married for 47 years and happy with my ostomy.
Travel
Reply by travel, on Fri Oct 29, 2010 1:30 am
Sturbridge wow..I have a second home in Charlton, MA..used to be our permanent residence, but we are now resident of Florida...but still maintain our home in MA...
Yes there is life after an ostomy....
My husband got prostate cancer in May 2007 and a month later I ended up with a cecostomy... we are both survivors... we are fortunate.
Travel
Reply by Belinda, on Fri Oct 29, 2010 4:13 am
Roger that - I honestly think you speak for all of us with an ostomy when you say you have doubts about intimacy with the opposite sex. I'm 64 and lived most of my life with multiple sclerosis before colitis and "the bag" 6 years ago. The MS put most men off, but had a few relationships, then met what I thought was a lovely man on another ostomy site. We finally met and hit it off straight away, and of course there was no embarrassment about the bags -in fact we had a good laugh about them. While I had been thinking how lucky I was to have met someone I had so much in common with -as well as an ostomate - I hadn't realised that the bi-polar he had mentioned early in the relationship was suddenly going to turn him from loving me to being completely indifferent to me overnight. The relatonship ended there, but it was nothing to do with the bag situation. We all have faults, illness, mental conditions, or other imperfections, and if someone doesn't like your bag, they are saying, basically, that they don't like you. There are many, many people with loving partners on this other site -acquired before or after their ileo op. You sound a nice guy and that's much more important than having, as someone else said, a silly little bag. Don't give up hope, and remember that anyone with diarrhoea can have an accident in bed! It's only poo after all. A sense of humour is very important too. If you can make a joke of it with a partner, so much the better. Good luck in your search.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:55 am
Doesn't everyone these days "come with baggage", one sort or another? It's just that we have a little more baggage than most,- keep a sense of humour, I laugh about it now when I could have cried in the past, it has got me down but not out...but we have all suffered, and, perhaps because of it, become  a little more tolerant and wiser. I think more attention ought to be paid by the medics to the emotional side of coping with a new body image and performance. Anyway, "sex" what's that??!!
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sat Oct 30, 2010 7:35 am
                                 
Florrie wrote:
Doesn't everyone these days "come with baggage", one sort or another? It's just that we have a little more baggage than most,- keep a sense of humour, I laugh about it now when I could have cried in the past, it has got me down but not out..


very well said......
Reply by swiffer, on Sat Oct 30, 2010 8:14 pm
Tine, Your profile pics show you as a very pretty gal and your conversions here say that you are a good person. Any man would be lucky to get any kind of attention from you. I don't think lonely will be a problem for much longer.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Oct 31, 2010 7:53 am
Thanks Tiggy, you are very great and have made me feel better than I have been diverting, that feeling of diverting as unnecessary is a reminder of how I felt about life pre op, like contentment, I can't remember, now 7 months after op.

PS    I would still prefer someone from my planet
Reply by IamSam, on Sun Oct 31, 2010 1:15 pm
Tine,
I think you sell yourself short by stating your not the prettiest or the slimmest. Rhetorically speaking, by who's standard do you judge yourself? The socially portrayed norms in modern media of acceptable attractiveness are not the  absolute bottom line and, in reality, vary from person to person. There are men out there, myself included, despite how you feel about yourself, who agree with Swiffer and would find you to be totally "HOT" based on your appearance/photos and in lieu of your personality which I'm guessing is great! Your perception of yourself is half the battle.

Like the rest of us, you have been dealt a hand of cards that you may or may not like. How you choose to play that hand is strictly up to you. Accepting yourself and your situation is the only thing that matters before you can accept or relate to others. The face and body that I look at every morning in the mirror is not perfect..............I don't necessarily like it...........but I do accept it! And I fully expect others, to whom I relate to intimately, to accept it as well! A soon as you become comfortable in your own skin, the men will notice and you will be picking and choosing!

You mentioned the trust issue after a harsh marriage..............that I can relate to! It's my biggest problem now! I can't offer advice here because I can't seem to overcome my own trust issues and they completely outweigh my Ostomy issues!
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