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Am I doomed from having a partner?

Posted by SheliaBaby, on Sun Oct 31, 2010 1:57 pm
I think it is "odd" how we are so much harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else....I know it's true for me and alot of people I know.  If anyone else pointed out all the flaws I find with myself......I would think they were a jerk....and ought to take a closer look at themselves.
But when I do it.....for some reason I used to think it was okay.....now I would call myself a jerk for thinking that way. LOL  Guess you do get a little smarter as you get older!

                                                                      Shelia Smile
Reply by tine, on Sun Oct 31, 2010 4:02 pm
just wanted to say thanks for all the wonderful comments....i am my worst critic and know ive got to ease up and not be so harsh on myself.......to accept ive got this bag for the rest of my life......dont let it rule me!!!!

tine...xx
Reply by florida-val, on Sun Oct 31, 2010 6:31 pm
Roger - its just a matter of finding the right partner.  I was married when I had my ostomy surgeries and it really didn't effect us (i felt really blessed)  My husband was just so glad I was no longer sick all the time.    He passed on and in 3 years I met a man at work and we got married and he has never ever had a problem with it.

I have heard many stories and really never thought I would have a chance after my first husband was gone so I was pleasantly surprised.   I hope you will find the right one and be surprised also.

Good Luck
Reply by Adabar, on Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:42 pm
I have read through the 5 pages of this thread and feel deeply for you. I have been married to my very special lady for 48 years and have had my permanent Colostomy for 7 of them.  I must admit to being far more resentful after the surgery than my wife who accepted the situation from the beginning. I didn't and that became an issue until I finally woke up to myself. Early on I had accidents, the worst fouling our bed at 0200 hrs. She quietly rose with me, helped me to the shower and remade up the bed while I was in there. When we both went back to bed she cuddled up to me as though nothing had happened. I have been hospitalised several times since and the last time being from January to the end of May this year.  I required more surgery to repair damage from the radiation treatment following a resection to remove a colorectal cancer stage 3. The bowel perforated and I ended up with faecial peritonitis.  All of these difficulties were patiently endured by my wife who I will say I love very dearly.  I don't understand why anyone cannot accept their husband or wife's  altered body function. That is what it is, simply an altered direction.  Every human being has to dispose of their body waste so what is their problem? I believe that there is always someone somewhere for each of us. so be patient and selective. You will find that special partner. You will see.
Reply by Lobster, on Mon Nov 01, 2010 7:56 am
                                 
tine wrote:
...i aint the prettiest or the slimmest but know i could offer so much....


Tine, as I've told you before, you are what we Southerners would call quite fit. Actually you're more than quite fit. Stop putting yourself down, you won't be lonely for long.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Nov 04, 2010 8:21 am
I am 30 years old and have just come out of hospital having a completion proctocolectomy, and I am new to this site.   The day before I went into hospital me and my partner of 4 years split up.  I knew it had been on the cards as he has never been the same with me since I had my ileostomy formed in September 2009 and now I think the thought of it being 'permanent' he couldn't handle it and fled!  I have now had to come to my parents with the minimal stuff I picked up the day I left, until I have the energy to go and collect the rest of my things (I am one week post operation).

At this moment I feel,  that no one will accept that I have a bag, I was such a confident person but seem to have lost my grounding at present.    I am sure this is a normal process after surgery, but at this present moment feel like I will be on my own for the rest of my life, because no one would find me attractive.

x
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Nov 04, 2010 8:43 am
Personally I think that any relationship that breaks down just because of a bag was weak in the first place. At the end of the day, yes, we and all who are around us go through a lot emotionally around surgery time, but any decent partner would just be glad that you are ok, have survived, and that there was a treatment available for you illness. In reality a bag does not change who you are, in most cases you can do more and be less restricted after surgery, and it is only during the most intimate moments where it shows its presence. Small bags are available for those special moments, positions can be changed slightly to minimise the bag contact, so if someone leaves because of this, then it seems that the relationship was based mostly on sex. Even as a man I think thats shallow, and the relationship would probably have broken down at a later date anyway.

Blondemoment: - I appreciate that you are going through a tough time right now, but some good will come out of this in the end, be strong, things will get better!
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Nov 04, 2010 9:14 am
I think what you have said is right, things seemed to have changed from the time I had my surgery, he just didn't seem interested.  Things seemed to get worse and the Sunday before I had my operation on the Tuesday we had a disagreement and he used this as an escape goat!  Also didnt want me to go on holiday with him and his son etc.  I think I feel this way as well because i'm in a lot of discomfort and can hardly walk with the incisions in my stomach and not too be crude 'back end', feel useless as having to rely on my mum to look after me at present, were I am usually so independent.

You are also right when you say that the relationship was weak, and probably would have broken down anyway. I am sure there are alot of people out there who are not shallow and would love the person just as they are, but this point in time cant see light at the end of the tunnel and it seems to have knocked my confidence on all accounts at the moment.
Reply by beyondpar, on Thu Nov 04, 2010 10:16 am
Please allow yourself the time to heal both physically first and that will happen faster than you think, and then allow the emotional to catch up to the physical.........
A lot of us have been through the situation you are now going through,  and in truth while you may not believe it now,  there is no one to blame or cast any negative comments about......We all and I mean we all are trying to figure this journey out and get through unscathed,  but we do become scarred, but please dont become jaded....there are many people on this planet who just dont have the coping skills or ability to deal with it and it doesnt mean they are shallow or indecent........I know i never wanted the pouch and today I love it........so to expect others to accept it so readily is asking for alot.
YOu will be loved and accepted for all the beauty you bring to the table,  and allow it to surface,  slowly but surely.......I as a male,  find you to be very attractive,  so if I see it,  there will be many others.....Go slow, as you are the early stages of recovery...STay well Michael

It does get better  each and every day..........
Reply by Lydia, on Thu Nov 04, 2010 10:30 am
Tine, I am also 38, and single living alone.I had an argument with the man I was seeing a week before my op, he knows nothing of my op and we havent spoken for 5 weeks. It didnt end well. Im thinking now, pastures now.. but sorry I digress...
You need not worry, you are beautifull, and just because you have a pouch it does not mean that prospective partners should think any less of you. In fact I think many will see you as a strong woman. You may not feel it but you are strong.
I hope too to have a relationship again oneday, but as the advice in this forum goes, I want to get my head around all of this first (had a colostomy a month ago), and then I will be ready to contemplate it.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Nov 04, 2010 10:43 am
I think that you are right also, you have to get your head around what has happened to you before you even get in a relationship, because if you cant get your head around it how is anyone else supposed too, but think it is wrong people who cant see beyond the 'bag'.  I was or thought I was quite confident,people used to say I was before this happened, seemed to have knocked me a bit.

I too haven't spoken with my ex partner since the day before my surgery. I have had to text him and he is packing my things and my Mam , aunty and friend are collecting them on Monday, then putting the key through the door.  He hasn't asked how my surgery has gone so I haven't mentioned it.  Think I will be better once Monday is over!  I don't want to have a really bad break up as my friends are also around where I used to live and drink in the same pub, so will bump into him sooner or later.

Hope you are feeling ok and managing your colostomy

x
Reply by jjjnettie, on Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:06 am
Hi All.

I'm 47 and have had my colostomy since 2007.
I was married at the time but have since left my husband. He was ok about the bag, he just wanted the sex. But he was in denial about my on going health problems and showed no support what so ever. I figured that if I have to go to all these hospital visits on my own, I may as well be on my own.
My current boyfriend tries very hard to show he doesn't care about my bag. But deep down, I know it is a bit of an issue with him. (or does the problem stem from my low self esteem, and he's feeding off my emotions?) Either way, we have worked out a most satisfactory solution.  I wear a tight stretchy singlet when we go to bed, (or the couch, or where ever lolol). It can be rolled down over the shoulders and fits snuggly over the baggie so its out of sight and out of mind.
I usually wear a stoma cap at the time. It's a tiny bag about 3"x2", and is ok for an hour or so, though I've worn them overnight more than once.
I'm on the lookout for lingerie that is cut so as to cover the ostomy and associated war wounds. I think this is more to boost my own bruised ego, though I'm sure he'd enjoy it too.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Nov 22, 2010 2:15 pm
I understand the rejection feeling. I lost 2 relationships due to my illness.My first one was 8yrs and he got scared off and my current one I am in is a 12yr relationship and have a wonderful son-when I decided to have my surgery, my husband was supportive as he had seen me in pain and relying on morphine for so may years. Yet, when he saw the outcome of the Colostomy, he couldn't handle it and has since left this past weekend as he needed "time away" and to "talk to someone". Not sure what the outcome is going to be!
Reply by jjjnettie, on Tue Nov 23, 2010 10:17 pm
Oh, I feel your pain!
Hugs  .xoxox
Reply by 743audio, on Sat Dec 18, 2010 5:16 pm
Personally, I haven't had a partner yet since my surgery. I would hope that it wouldn't be a big deal but I guess I can't say for sure. It seems like women with ostomies have it harder than men with ostomies to find partners, I guess guys are more superficial? I mean I don't know for sure, thats just my observation.
Reply by dsmithsc91, on Mon Dec 20, 2010 2:41 pm
Just recently recovered from cancer treatment and now have a divorce likely due in large part to my ostomy.  It is really encouraging to read the messages of hope WRT sex, intimacy etc.  May one day I feel like beyndpar does.  The ostomy is actually a good thing.
Reply by Bluezz, on Mon Dec 20, 2010 8:23 pm
dsmithsc91....Now that we have shared the "wink" HA! You and I had our surgery at the same time frame, 6 months ago. Oh how I can relate, as many here I am sure. I have done the online dating sites and feel it is safer for me to weed out the men I feel may not like or accept my new appendage. What I have learned is that not every person needs to know I have an ostomy, not until they deserve to know which means, to me, the friendship we build first. I have crohn's disease and use to think dates should know upfront as not to sound like I kept it from them on purpose. Such a mistake, that became the focus and not who I am as a person. People today don't get that it is not a choice we make easily, most times it was to save our lives. Yup it surely is the hardest thing to get use to looking at and not to mention all the other issues it involves. Yet I like to think there are still many men/women who are not that judgmental in this world. Soooo chin up! there is always hope or on a prayer.. I am banking on my funny little personality to win someone's heart....

K~
Reply by Tiggy, on Tue Dec 21, 2010 6:36 pm
Bluezz;

If your profile photo is any indication, you won't have to rely solely on your "funny little personality" to win the hearts of many potential mates. You are a gorgeous woman with a winning (and quirky-sexy) smile. Smile
Reply by jjjnettie, on Mon Jan 24, 2011 8:07 pm
Well, I finally got the confidence to bare my bare belly and bag to my "boyfriend" while in bed, previously I'd kept it covered. And surprise surprise, he actually said he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore.
Deep down I knew that this would happen.
So now I'm actively searching for a new partner using online dating.
Oh my, it's scary out there.
Reply by ferrona, on Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:57 am
                                 
jjjnettie wrote:
Well, I finally got the confidence to bare my bare belly and bag to my "boyfriend" while in bed, previously I'd kept it covered. And surprise surprise, he actually said he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore.
Deep down I knew that this would happen.
So now I'm actively searching for a new partner using online dating.
Oh my, it's scary out there.


jjjnettie,

Sounds like he was just a real asshole and that he never deserved you. There are good men out there. I met my man online and I told him like a few months after talking online that I had an ostomy. He is totally fine with it and he reassured me that he doesn't look at me differently because of it. So...he is out there...keep positive thoughts. That's what a REAL man wants, a confident woman in her own skin whether you carry extra baggage or not. : )

~Amber
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Wed Mar 02, 2011 12:58 am
Hi JJJ, I've read your posts and feel a sincere need to tell you what I've found, its truly huge and necessary to know this if you have a colostomy like me. I feel if I hadn't worked out this method of normality I may have become insane. Reply to this if you want to hear.
PS I Feel (truly/honestly) for All, we are we and I am For us
Reply by Lalu, on Wed Mar 16, 2011 7:14 am
Hi, all.

I'm coming in a little late on this, but want to get my 2 cents in.  The posts in this thread are both heartening and heartbreaking.

I was married six and a half years when I had my ileostomy.  My husband did everything for me for the first few months because I was in such bad shape, as well as being in denial.  I think if anything changed, it was that we loved each other more.  He died a year ago and an old boyfriend who I hadn't spoken with for 25 years recently found me.  After we communicated for a while, I told him about Walter the Wenis.  He was no less enthusiastic about us getting together (3000 miles separates us).  We have plans to see each other this summer.

So, Ira, why don't you and goldengirl get to know each other?  You're practically next door neighbors.

Laurie
Reply by bes0642, on Wed Mar 16, 2011 1:35 pm
jjjnettie, What a jerk! He didn't deserve you. His loss. Best wishes. Bob
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:40 pm
Tiggy,

"Try to think of your bag as your personal jerk-detector."

Wow! I love that statement.  Sums it up.  Who wants a jerk.
Reply by bes0642, on Wed Mar 16, 2011 3:55 pm
                                 
dawneagle wrote:
Tiggy,

"Try to think of your bag as your personal jerk-detector."

Wow! I love that statement.  Sums it up.  Who wants a jerk.


Dawneagle That my lady is a Great Acronym for the bag. LOVE IT! Bob
Reply by nogutz, on Thu Mar 17, 2011 1:11 am
Hi Everyone;


     This is a interesting subject. And I am guilty of felling inadequate about my body and the mess its in........So I have too get over it, But then I have the other problem, of just shy I guess. I think this may be the biggest obstacle I have to get over  
  We should be listing all the good things about this " Bag of Ours" Because we do know that it can Send shallow people walking ..this is a good Thing! .It was a good thing for me , yes a little lonely at times ....... but well worth it .And that was 5 years now!  

      Crohn's disease has taken is toll on me.  It showed me how tough I really am . So after everything..........all surgery's , recovering and getting back on my feet.  I just don't  seem to have the strength that I once had.  That is hard on me. More then I though



                  Take care  no gutz


Last edited by nogutz on Sun Aug 21, 2011 7:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
Reply by krisfx, on Sun Apr 03, 2011 5:25 pm
I had my iliostomy at the start of university in freshers, I managed to "get intimate" with a few girls, most of which one or two time things.

Although it's harder for older people to get partners these days, it's about having confidence in yourself, hell I even have one of my old pouches pinned on the wall as a reminder ,and when people come round I tell them a story, it's not all doom and gloom relationship wise, just make sure you're open about it.
Reply by girlygirl, on Mon Aug 15, 2011 6:21 pm
really feel for you, so young to be dealing with this. i,m 60
and i cold just about cope but by the time i recovered from sugery
ive ended up with a hernia.where do i go from here? not major surgery
i hope but i rekon it will be
Reply by girlygirl, on Mon Aug 15, 2011 6:34 pm
its so hard to cope with the operation and the emotional side of things,
but its way to early for you to feel anything but well and confident.
but in time you,l get there, and we all know these op are horrendous
to say the least. so get yourself well and your strength back and you,l be fine,x
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Wed Aug 17, 2011 2:10 pm
I hear ya Roger That!

Like bikerboy, I too would love to "bump bags" with a bag woman!   Romantic dinner first.

My first instinct is to try to find a romantic interest and intimate partner who's a member of our club. The instant understanding, acceptance, and comfort level would just be beyond compare, IMO.

Bikerboy, I hope we both get our opportunity.

I don't think 'sticking to our own' (if possible) closes any doors (fully or partially), I think it opens the door to a relationship with the profoundest level of comfort and understanding imaginable for us.
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