I'm not sure if I'm the only one going through this or not. I feel very alone. So I thought I'd ask on here. I'm sorry if this is long... In 2023, I was diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer and have a permanent bag. I went through hell and back during treatments and 3 surgeries. Literally. My heart had stopped early on in my treatment, and luckily my husband performed CPR on me. I had lost 80 pounds only to gain it back. Lol. I'm not thrilled about it, but it does happen. My question is: has anyone's spouse/partner not encouraged them when the time came? For example, eating healthier, exercising, etc., whether joining them in the fight or being a cheerleader or even trying to help find answers... If so, how did you handle it without their help? Did you go about it by yourself and without communication with your spouse? How have you stayed positive? I feel like I'm falling apart. My husband wants no part in eating healthier, not even one day a week. I had printed off recipes that were healthier that I figured he would like; he would barely look at them and wouldn't say a word. And when I exercised, once I had to pull teeth to have him come help me and give me advice on it. Any advice or experience on this?
Kathy, so sorry to hear about the indifferences.
I've been there many times regarding fitness and eating healthier.
I plowed forward, and unfortunately, we grew apart. It's like needing to have enough similar hobbies to stick together. I don't believe in the old saying that opposites attract. We're all unique enough to cover our differences.
He isn't interested in eating healthier. Fine, but maybe point out that he needs to for your sake. Seek this advice from a counselor perhaps. Lots of couples dismiss the advice of the other.
Keep us posted, and keep your chin up.
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Thank you. I appreciate it. I don't believe opposites attract either, but I'm one of those types of people that would help in any way possible. And same with a team effort...
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It's a shame that he doesn't want to eat healthier for his own sake!
If you are doing the cooking, then start making changes gradually. He can eat what you cook or not. I wouldn't do it all the time and don't completely abandon old unhealthy favorites but do a few healthier dinners then eat what you want for breakfast and lunch as he is also free to do. In my case, my husband does the main cooking and I eat what he fixes with gratitude for not having to cook.
As far as working out, I'd seek out a friend to work out with me. It would be fun to have my husband join me but we can't always have what we want.
Someone suggested counseling and that is probably a good idea. There may be a deeper problem hiding behind these 2 issues. Cancer is a massive life changer fir both you and your husband. I am recovering from rectal cancer as well and there is some awkwardness as my husband and I navigate this new reality
It is a whirlwind situation, that is true. And a new reality as you stated. You made valid points and I thank you very much for your advice. Just downright craziness with cancer... A whole new ballgame.
How to Manage Emotions with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister
Only those who've had cancer either themselves or in a close family member can really understand. You never go back to your old "normal". I came out the other side with 2 ostomies but, for me, the ostomies are the least of it.
Before I took my good health for granted. Now I fear every little thing and obsess about things like food choices and exercise.
Hello,
I lost 66 pounds during my medical adventure. Ended up with a shiny new colostomy. I gained 30 pounds back, which I'm happy with.
I've been married for 37 years, no kids. My wife does not cook... I do not cook. We go out to dinner, or bring something in, every day.
My wife orders what she wants, I order what I want. I do keep a keen eye on calories and never eat fried food. I do love a little candy or dessert, but limit it.
I know it might be hard, but make what he likes, and make a healthy meal for yourself. Or you can order Weight Watchers or other healthy, ready-to-eat meals from different companies.
Just start exercising without him. I walk every day. Ride my bike 20 miles, three times a week. My wife sometimes goes on the walks. If not, I go by myself.
I was diagnosed with stage 4 thyroid cancer back in 1983. I've also had skin and prostate cancer. Also have the colostomy with a parastomal hernia. I've spent quite a bit of time in hospitals. Had so many surgeries, I've lost count. Did nasty chemotherapy, radiation therapy. Took a licking... but still ticking. My wife is just happy I'm still around to annoy her.
Do what you can to make your situation work. Explain to him that you have a lot more work to do... to remain healthy. He wants to be a couch potato, sounds like not much will change his mind. So put a little more focus on yourself. And research ways that you can eat healthier and exercise while letting the potato on the couch vegetate.
Good luck and have a healthy and happy New Year.
Thank you. Sounds like a plan. Thank you for the ideas. I walk our dog every day. She helps make my day brighter. I hope everything is okay with your cancer and its butt was kicked.
I understand that. I worry about the same things and then some. I'm a worry wart as it is. Lol
My husband usually comes home and says, "I'm not hungry, so don't give me very much." Not great when you have made a healthy dinner for two. He says he is healthy because his lab work is OK. No, he is obese. I try to eat healthy because if I don't, my gut will punish me. I think I'm going to start getting takeout food for dinner and let him forage through the refrigerator and freezer. I'm waiting to get an ileostomy date. He does want me to have it but doesn't seem to understand what it's going to take.
Beach Boy, it sounds like you have a great plan. I just want to feel good enough to do all of that!
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My husband usually comes home and says, "I'm not hungry, so don't give me very much." Not great when you have made a healthy dinner for two. He says he is healthy because his lab work is OK. No, he is obese. I try to eat healthy because if I don't, my gut will punish me. I think I'm going to start getting takeout food for dinner and let him forage through the refrigerator and freezer. I'm waiting to get an ileostomy date. He does want me to have it but doesn't seem to understand what it's going to take.
Beach Boy, it sounds like you have a great plan. I just want to feel good enough to do all of that!
My husband usually comes home and says, "I'm not hungry, so don't give me very much." Not great when you have made a healthy dinner for two. He says he is healthy because his lab work is OK. No, he is obese. I try to eat healthy because if I don't, my gut will punish me. I think I'm going to start getting takeout food for dinner and let him forage through the refrigerator and freezer. I'm waiting to get an ileostomy date. He does want me to have it but doesn't seem to understand what it's going to take.
Beach Boy, it sounds like you have a great plan. I just want to feel good enough to do all of that!
My husband usually comes home and says, "I'm not hungry, so don't give me very much." Not great when you have made a healthy dinner for two. He says he is healthy because his lab work is OK. No, he is obese. I try to eat healthy because if I don't, my gut will punish me. I think I'm going to start getting takeout food for dinner and let him forage through the refrigerator and freezer. I'm waiting to get an ileostomy date. He does want me to have it but doesn't seem to understand what it's going to take.
Beach Boy, it sounds like you have a great plan. I just want to feel good enough to do all of that!
It’s so challenging all around going through this. It’s even more difficult if living with someone who just does not seem to understand, or put the effort in for a loved one. The stress builds and that’s the very last thing you need in order to move forward.
So, do what YOU need to do for yourself! Whatever that takes and whatever forces seem to be against you. There are many good suggestions here on this forum. Thank goodness we have it!!! Hang in there. And remember, this is the time to be selfish about taking care of yourself! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise…No matter what, or how, anyone else thinks or feels about your situation!
Yes a lot of good suggestions on here. I absolutely agree with what you said. Stress, however, is stressful within itself. Lol. So far so good on my first year of CT scans. 1 year down and 4 more years to go :-)
So sorry you’re going through this, Kathy. Unless I missed it, I didn’t read anything about how your husband may be feeling. You might try having a very candid discussion with him about what he is going through with what has happened to you and how he is feeling. He could be scared, angry, etc., any of which could play into his reaction. If this is not possible, I think marital counseling would be extremely useful. If he will not go, I suggest you go to a counselor by yourself to help you deal with what’s going on and how to help him. Wishing you the best…
I don't understand why you are focusing on your husband and not on yourself. It is your life and you need to lose weight. Just go ahead and take care of yourself. Your husband will see your determination and the results.
I understand what you're saying. And it makes sense. Thank you for your advice. I really do appreciate it
Kathy
My story is almost the same, but my wife was thrilled when I lost the weight (75 pounds) and kept me motivated to keep it off through a ton of flattery. I recently started to put the weight back on, and my wife encouraged me to check out Zepbound, and I am glad I did. Our lifestyle hasn't had to change. My weight is stable, and she can enjoy anything she wants because the drug allows me to eat anything, just not too much. Check out Zepbound or one of the other weight loss drugs and see if it can help you lose and keep off the weight, while your husband enjoys anything he desires.
Kathy, I'm sorry you've had to go through such a harrowing experience. I've had similar experiences with several bouts of ovarian cancer and a permanent bag, and the same experience with a spouse. My only advice is that you have to take care of yourself and put yourself first for once—something we women don't do very often. He will start to understand after a while. We have to stay strong and do what's right for us with or without them.
I agree with that. I'm so used to thinking of others and helping others that I've forgotten to think about myself. It's hard to change old habits, but I'm trying recently. 😊
Kathy, there have been some very understanding responses and suggestions for you. The one that strikes me most is encouraging some form of counseling. It could be very helpful, not only to cope with your husband's apparent lack of interest in your goals but also to give you a boost in adjusting to your own new circumstances. In a perfect world, our spouse would be beside us, cheering us on. In reality, our spouse may have their own issues preventing them from doing that. Working to accept that may mean we find support elsewhere. None of us can be all things to our partner. Building a network of support gives us options.
I have a question and a suggestion. Q: do the two of you share any major interests in common? Could you put more focus on reinforcing those and less energy on efforts to drag your husband along on your personal quest for better health?
S: It seems your immediate need is to get healthier meals on the table. It's often possible to "healthify" a recipe without changing the taste by making minor substitutions. Perhaps you can explore your husband's favorites with that in mind. For example: olive oil instead of butter to sauté meats and vegetables; applesauce instead of oil or butter in baked goods. A few meetings with a dietitian can jump-start your efforts to manage your diet without the burden of trying to change your husband's attitude.
Stay strong and carry on!
Kathy, I'm sorry you're going through this. I am the caregiver for my wife and her ileostomy post cancer surgery. I have had moments where I threw myself a pity party, but I have hung in there. Might he be willing to look at a forum like this one for caregivers, or consider any kind of therapy at all? Are you able to get around the house yet? Cook? I wish you the very best, wish I had a better solution for you.
You can do it. You can do it and find support in a group. Once he sees you doing it and getting results, he may follow your lead. I think spouses are going through their own fears. Watching someone you love have so many serious health problems is really hard. Hang in there! You need support and so does he. You can do it.
Hi Kathy,
My advice, based on experience, is that I learned to be my own soldier, and I found it to be profoundly life-changing.
Wish you strength in the New Year.
Hi Kathy, as you can see, you're not alone! One of the reasons we come to this forum is for the very support we might not always get from our partner. Plus, it's difficult for one person to be all things to another person. When one of them survives a cancer ordeal, the other cannot truly know what it's like to fight for every bit of health they can get.
I, too, had cancer about 5 years ago (oral, not related to my ileostomy). The subsequent surgery, removal of lymph nodes, chemo, and radiation really messed me up and left me with a myriad of challenging side effects. The ostomy a year ago was just the icing on the cake.
My husband and I are retired, so we both look after ourselves (and sometimes each other) in the kitchen. Like you, my hubby still eats pretty much what he wants, healthy or not, and I'm the one trying to substitute the olive oil for the butter, as a previous responder mentioned. I also use the treadmill every day, but while he says he should be using it, he doesn't.
I've long since abandoned trying to change him or include him in my quest for both of us to live a healthier lifestyle. We still have a solid relationship and enjoy other things together, but I've had to go solo on my "road to better health" journey.
You CAN achieve your fitness goals on your own and still live harmoniously with your husband. He's an adult and is responsible for looking after his own health. If you need motivation and support, come here to this forum, maybe find a neighbour or friend to take walks with you, or even join a yoga or cooking class - anything you enjoy that will get you out socializing with like-minded people with similar goals. It will be so refreshing and energizing for you.
Make 2025 your best year yet, Kathy! We're all rooting for you!
M
xo
I spend a minimum of 2 hours creating dinner. Most of the time involves prep. Chopping, making a sauce, salad dressing, etc. I do mise en place. (French culinary phrase which means "putting in place" or "gather." It refers to the setup required before cooking.) It makes everything go smoothly when at the point of cooking. I can do this early, 2 hours or so before actually adding the heat. I have always cooked healthy foods. No processed foods. Very little canned or frozen, hence the 2-hour chop, chop prep.
I still had to have a colostomy due to an abscess and diverticulitis.
It has been 1 1/2 years since my surgery. My husband was so much there for me. I was impressed. I have never seen that level of devotion from him in our over 40 years of marriage.
The only advice I can offer is to learn to cook. It can be a great adventure for you and your husband.
I have an Apple Music pod thing in my kitchen and a subscription to Apple Music. I love to cook to old Beatles music. The music makes it fun.
Hubby helps as much as he can, but being an apprentice chef type of person, sometimes he gets in my way. I can usually find something for him to do. He does clean up!
Good luck on your journey through food and relationships. They so often go together.
.
I have had my ileostomy for about 35 years now and my hubby has been wonderful. I remember a time way back when, as I was trying to change my flange and I was on the bathroom floor. It was like Mt. Vesuvius was erupting and because an ostomy friend told me to drink some sloe gin to slow down the "eruptions," I was also pretty much three sheets to the wind! We laugh about it, but at that time, I was all green and had no fingers, only thumbs it seemed like.
I do most of the cooking, so I fix mostly healthy meals. I have a vegetable garden so I know what I pick is fresh and has no added chemicals. Hubby eats what is on his plate! He may not eat all of it, but that's ok too.
I love to garden, take short walks, and we still travel a lot. He's 84 and I'm 75. Accidents and explosions still happen occasionally, but that just goes with the territory, I suppose. One foot in front of the other is my motto. I also tell folks they can't call me an a**hole, because I don't have one! Try to keep things on the lighter side and view your glass as half full. You've still got a lot of living to do, girl!