Betrayed

Some ostomates have revealed here that their partners left them after ostomy surgery. Mostly women fewer men. A 2009 US study of people with cancer and multiple sclerosis found that 20.8% of the female survivors ended up divorced or separated while only 2.9% of the men did. A Texas lawyer: "As a divorce lawyer I can tell you that when sickness comes a lot of men don't stick around. They loved who you were, not who you become." A husband who has stayed with his wife for now. " Because I have to, there's the kids, but there's almost a sense of duty, I suppose. If I go, I am not sure what her life would be like, she couldn't look after herself. The honest answer is I don't know what it will be like without the kids, when they go. They are probably a lot of the glue at the moment, and when that's gone... I genuinely don't know."

Hi bow,

Whooo.........that's one doozie of a topic you brought up here! First, most young people don't really think thru the vows they're saying.....they're too caught up in the moment of being in love. Second, when you're young and in love with someone........physical attraction is a huge part of the deal. We don't have crystal balls and can't comprehend how much some people change physically as they age. I often look at older folks when out and about and try to figure out what the heck they looked like when younger to transform into the mess they've become now. People who are actually in love develop emotional bonds that replace those physical bonds, and that serves as the glue that holds them together as they age and change. If that doesn't happen the relationship is usually maintained out of convenience more than anything else. Of course some stay commited no matter what, but even they probably never envisioned how things would change over the course of a lifetime. From your numbers it would seem men either don't develop the emotional bonds to replace the physical ones at the same rate that women do, or don't value their commitments. It's a very touchy subject and you (we) don't know what else is going on inside the relationship and are assuming the only change is that one gets an ostomy or other serious medical issue and that one thing causes the breakup. It could be that more times than not those medical things are just the last straw, not the single cause for the breakup. Not having been in that situation I can't speak from experience........but I've known enough people who got married (and attended their weddings) to know many had no idea what the vowes really meant or actually cared at the time......they were too caught up in the moment to think it thru. And who really does? The only thing that's constant in life........is change. Sucks, but that's the way it is. As a last potentially controversial note.........it seems to me that if you are caught off guard or blindsided by your partner just up and abandoning you.......you both didn't know each other very well. Or at least as well as you should have. But that's just my mostly humble opinion.

;O)

As usual, quite the valid assesment. 👍..

However, I'm all for a revision in the vows, perhaps a footnote?

" In sickness and mental health"

Arguably, The most authentic bond is just that - ie no cert of marriage required.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Jayne ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I think the "sickness and health" part is not often seriously considered. Young people in particular think they will never get sick.

I knew a woman once who was engaged and planning her wedding when they discovered a massive brain tumor. Her fiance stuck with her through the surgery but when there were surgical complications he abruptly dumped her. He had the good sense to feel guilty about it but said that he wanted a fun relationship and it had "stopped being fun". She was caught completely off guard but I told her she had dodged a bullet.

My own husband is a different type. He embraced the sickness and health vow. The cancer changed so much... I am not the person he married is so many ways. But all he said was "all that matters is you live, we will get used to any changes".

How to Adjust to Life with an Ostomy with Bruce | Hollister

Bless You Both

A bond is a bond .... and you have one.

hug

BW

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Jayne ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

This subject casts light on this: What is love? Devotion? Integrity?

It is a quality in short supply.

When I undergoing radiation therapy, many old couples would come in. Shuffling along, holding each other up. Or being pushed in a wheelchair. I chatted with them in the waiting room. Many 50+ year marriages. Thought to myself, "That's love." Transcends youth and vitality. Integrity of the heart.

The question is whether your marriage was working before the illness? There was an actress whose marriage was on the rocks and just before they separated she had a stroke - her husband stayed until she recovered and then left. Not everyone is capable of doing that. It’s sad when you realize that someone only loves your image and not your soul. Marriage isn’t really about romance it’s a contract as you know but lots of people don’t see that.

Right. Some marriages may have been on the rocks before the sickness arrived, so the stoma or other affliction is not the main cause. I told a friend that marriages were made in heaven when he was having marital problems. He turned around and said "his was made in hell." Still looking for an ostrich to keep as a pet, or were you dissuaded by the news that it can disembowel you with one kick when annoyed. Someone I know, an airline captain, set up an ostrich farm hoping that the high prices its leather and meat fetch would put money in the bank. It didn't work out and he suffered a loss. All the best wishes.

Nailed it bb “Integrity of the heart” indeed.

Those old couples were something else. Half the time it wasn't obvious who was getting chemo and who was there as support.

Some of the partners were driving things, keeping calendars and lists and carrying a filing system with them. Others were just lost... sticking by the spouse's side but as confused as anybody.

But there was something sweet about all of them.

This post has stirred up some really bad memories.

You see I can understand why some partners leave, when their husband/wife/partner develops a serious illness, this is why... I lost my husband of 30 years to bowel cancer. I can honestly say that the last 10 months of his life were the worse 10 months of my life. He completely shut me out of everything. If I tried to talk to him about anything, (not necessarily cancer) he would put up his palm and say "speak to the hand" or "I'm not interested". At one time when visiting him in hospital he screamed at me "Get out you old hag", it was so embarrassing. He opened up his own bank account and deposited a lot of money, meanwhile I was struggling with the joint account.

A couple of months before he died he told me he didn't love me anymore. The bottom dropped out of my world, I was devastated. I had the support of my church, one lady said that even if he felt this way, if he was a real man, knowing that he was dying, he should have kept it to himself. Later he said that he regretted saying it and that was the nearest I got to an apology. The last few months I can't remember too much because I completely retreated into my own world. I believe he blamed me for his cancer and the fact that I would live on. I still loved him, and was by his side when he died. I didn't leave him but boy I wish I could of. I'm disabled and the kids wouldn't have helped (leaving their poor dad who was dying).

So now I'm happy living on my own, on my own terms and I never want another romantic relationship ever again. So you see I can understand why some couples split, even though I loved him I would have left him if not for my disability (and it has taken me 5 years to admit it, so please don't think I'm hard or mean).

Throughout these 10 months I didn't get any support whatsoever apart from a few ladies at church. So sometimes you have to see things from the other persons point of view. Some people wouldn't have put themselves through 10 months of hell.

I am lucky and blessed. Since my cancer diagnosis, my partner has supported me completely. He is my rock. If nothing else, we have become closer.

It's a shame your husband took out his anger on you. I'm glad you are happy again.

You went through a lot. Some cancers can affect the mind and lead to abnormal behaviour. Glad you are coping well now. Best wishes.

Hi bow,

You hit the nail right on the head. Daydreams of my ostrich disemboweling me with one kick made me get goats instead! Maybe if I had my full 22 feet of bowel I might have reconsidered, but with just under 4 feet left I really couldn't take the chance. At least my pet buzzards would have picked my bones clean in less than an hour......but that wasn't as big a consolation as it sounds.

;O)

Yes I have become aware since his death that cancer can do this, it's a pity no-one let me know before, but as I said - I didn't get any support. I still miss him, (not the person he became but before), and I try to focus on the good times. But the point I was trying to make was not to talk about me but we all must be made aware that each case is different and sometimes there is a valid reason why couples split up.

I have been very fortunate, we got married in 1987, I was already fairly badly with arthritis in my knees mainly but my wife didn't care, she loved me the way I loved her. She became very sick in 2007, heart failure, I nearly lost the love of my life but she came through the other side, albeit with a damaged heart but OK.. I did everything i could to help her through it. We were young when we got married but we're both a bit old fashioned as we believe in our vows, being married means everything to us both. She's now my carer as well as the love of my life.. kids these days just rush into things and don't think it through, we were sure that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.. and I'm sure we will.

She's been amazing, I would be totally lost without her.

It really is in sickness and in health for us..

I hope everyone who looks for love finds out the way we did.

38yrs and we are still happy together. More now than ever really.

Take care everybody

Tony🙂