Meet & talk to fellow OstoMates 20,295 members

How do you tell someone your dating that you have an ostomy?

Posted by KennyT, on Thu Mar 29, 2012 8:26 am
I am afraid that equainting Quint and Chiefy to someone letting a potential partner is drawing a very long bow.

If someone is right for you they are from the very beginning PB and that is not hard to see. If they dislike you because you have a pouch then not much will change and you at least have the ability to ascertain that early on rather than prolonging the agony as such. As  I said earlier Prime people will love you for what you are and not what you have. Easy.
Reply by Primeboy, on Thu Mar 29, 2012 6:31 pm
                                 
christiesdad wrote:
I am not EVEN going to try to comment on the previous espostulations of my intellectual superiors as I would make myself out to be a fool,


Not at all, CD. You may have rightly noticed that some of us are unabashed exemplars of attention deficit disorder. We digress beyond reason at almost every opportunity. So, my question is, why stop now?

Back in the 50's there was a very popular tune called "Among My Souvenirs." I am sure you remember it well. Vera Lynn, Judy Garland and, later, Connie Francis all kept it on the Hit Parade for years. Anyway, there was an alternate version of the lyrics that describes the plight of a fellow who found out about his lover's physical exceptionalities a little late in their relationship. This unfortunate situation clearly relates to the primary theme in our current thread: "open communications early on."  I think Spike Jones was behind this version which I am sure you'll enjoy.

She took out her glass eye
Her false teeth on the sly
And gently laid them down
Upon the chiffonier
Her lovely wooden leg
She hung upon a peg
And oh my eye was filled
With many a bitter tear

Her lovely golden hair
She hung upon the chair
And what was left of her
Slipped in between the blankets.
I looked at her and said
"Don't think I'll come to bed
I'll stay out here instead
Among my souvenirs"

Not altogether off track!
Reply by KennyT, on Thu Mar 29, 2012 10:57 pm
Wait a minute while I gather my thoughts.

So take a brief to ensure that you wait to take out your glass eye and false teeth.
Her lovely wooden leg would surely have been a giveaway but then again......

Nothing here is probably off track but deceiving people probably is.
Reply by KennyT, on Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:28 pm
I really adore people who intend to deceive from the word go. It really has an entrancing affect and ensures that the person I am attempting to touch  bases with is instantly out the door due to their totally inconsiderate action in being so untruthful.

If you meet someone and you feel you may need to have a relationship with them let them know. If they are not truthful with you do you really think they were the people for you?
Reply by Lobster, on Fri Mar 30, 2012 10:21 am
                                 
christiesdad wrote:
You may have rightly noticed that some of us are unabashed exemplars of attention deficit disorder.


I am not an unabashed exemplar of attention deficit, ooh look, there's a chicken!
Reply by panther, on Fri Mar 30, 2012 11:07 am
Well said DG, I'm with you I always say right from the start I'm a bag man, it's a personal choice whether you tell someone the first time you meet them or not there is no right or wrong way "Just what's right for you at the time".  But talking about it with a sense of humour helps to make someone who doesn't know anything about ostomy's feel at ease and from over 20 years experience most people say is that all it is.

I thought this was a forum where we can all say what we think?
Reply by KennyT, on Fri Mar 30, 2012 5:08 pm
I can see it Lobster....................
Reply by Xerxes, on Fri Mar 30, 2012 6:42 pm
Sorry for the double post. I am not sure why it did so.


Last edited by Xerxes on Fri Mar 30, 2012 6:44 pm; edited 1 time in total
Reply by Xerxes, on Fri Mar 30, 2012 6:42 pm
Hi Kenny T,

I am not totally sure about that. I, and this is not unique to me I am sure, met someone who I thought was right for me until I realized that she was totally delusional and psychotic (oops, is that redundant?). Stay well, Kenny T.

X_
Reply by dentalguy22, on Sat Mar 31, 2012 6:05 am
glad to see I ruffled some feathers out there in Ostomy land!!  Love the Jaws setting PB!! and " Among My Souvenirs"  AWESOME!!  and the mighty X comment as well!!  Panther experience DOES count, if you can't have a sense of humor about the poop leach, you will never get past it, and it will cripple anything you try to do in life from relationships to careers!!  " I can't do this because..... I can't do that  because...."   it's all a state of mind!!!  YOU CAN!!... you just have to try.....oh one more thing...fastballs  are my specialty!!
J.J
Reply by J.J, on Sat Mar 31, 2012 10:34 pm
I think that it is always better to just be honest right at first and do it with a sense of humor! and if someone cannot handle it well then..they just aren't the one for you...

=)
J.J
Reply by Lumme, on Sun Apr 01, 2012 4:26 am
I've had my temporary ileostomy for four months and believe I'll have it at least for the following six months, maybe year, maybe forever.

I just recently started seeing somebody. For my advance I knew him already since last year, so before my operation. He was a friend I met via work. We were not close, but had some nice encounters few times. Anyway, two weeks ago we met again in one concert. I realised that he was interested in me more than as a friend. And of course, I liked him. So, after the concert we went for a drink and I said, I should to tell him something... So, I told him carefully that I was in a middle of a pipe repair... And then of course in more serious way what it is about. He took it very well. Asked all kinds of straight forward questions and told me it's the feeling that counts. And then he kissed me the first time after that chat. Now things have progressed and I can say, he meant it - it does not matter, at least not in the big picture. I feel we can now learn to know more about each other  in peace and see how serious this encounter will go... Life will show.

I do believe, that if someone is freaked out about such a thing as stoma, or just can't handle it, he/she is not the right person for you to be around. Our illnesses teach us a lot about priorities in life, what really matters. If the other person is not even close being on the same level with that kind of understanding, your paths are not meant to merge – maybe to teach you something – but not to merge.

If you can hear your own heart, you can hear his as well.

Good luck everybody. Let's be proud of who we are.
Reply by Xerxes, on Sun Apr 01, 2012 2:25 pm
Lumme,

That was wonderfully said from the heart. Thank you.

X_
Reply by imtheone, on Thu Apr 05, 2012 9:16 pm
sorry very different for me  my wife left me over this i have had my illiostomy for 2 1/2 years i have met some that it doesnt matter but for the most part it does, good luck to everyone out there just be honest with urself
Reply by bag_n_drag, on Thu Apr 05, 2012 11:33 pm
                                 
Primeboy wrote:
                                 
christiesdad wrote:
I am not EVEN going to try to comment on the previous espostulations of my intellectual superiors as I would make myself out to be a fool,


Not at all, CD. You may have rightly noticed that some of us are unabashed exemplars of attention deficit disorder. We digress beyond reason at almost every opportunity. So, my question is, why stop now?

Back in the 50's there was a very popular tune called "Among My Souvenirs." I am sure you remember it well. Vera Lynn, Judy Garland and, later, Connie Francis all kept it on the Hit Parade for years. Anyway, there was an alternate version of the lyrics that describes the plight of a fellow who found out about his lover's physical exceptionalities a little late in their relationship. This unfortunate situation clearly relates to the primary theme in our current thread: "open communications early on."  I think Spike Jones was behind this version which I am sure you'll enjoy.

She took out her glass eye
Her false teeth on the sly
And gently laid them down
Upon the chiffonier
Her lovely wooden leg
She hung upon a peg
And oh my eye was filled
With many a bitter tear

Her lovely golden hair
She hung upon the chair
And what was left of her
Slipped in between the blankets.
I looked at her and said
"Don't think I'll come to bed
I'll stay out here instead
Among my souvenirs"

Not altogether off track!




PB-

This made me think of a song by the late George Younce......a wonderful parody sung to the tune of "Side by Side!"  


The words go something like this:

We got married last Friday
My girl was right there beside me
Our friends were all gone
And we were alone...
Side by Side.

We were so happily wed, when
she got ready for bed, then...
Her teeth and her hair
She placed in a chair
Side by Side.

One glass eye so tiny
One hearing aide so small
Then she took one leg off
and placed on the chair by the wall....

I sat there broken hearted
Most of my girl had departed
I slept on the chair....there was more of her there....
SIDE BY SIDE!  Smile

This was meant solely as something to make us smile....not to insult or make light of a sensitive and powerful subject/thread.  Sometimes we need a laugh to get us through the day!

Darla Smile
Reply by KennyT, on Sat Apr 07, 2012 9:49 am
So what I can gather Prime is taking out your glass eye and false teeth along with a wooden leg is fine but informing someone on initial contact that you have an ostomy is not?

I may be confused here??
Reply by christiesdad, on Sat Apr 07, 2012 10:42 am
I suppose that being up front and truthful may be te best policy concerning the bag, especially on the first date.  But would you be honest enough to tell your date on the first date, especially if it were a dinner date, that you hope they understand, but you are suffering from an accute case of diariah?  
So, as I have said before, if you don't plan to go from the supper club directly to the motel there is no reason to "confess" on the first date, that you are wearing the bag.  If you are a woman having your period,  do you feel it neccessary to confess that too?

No, let it ride for a couple of times.  It may break off for sme reason other than the bag, anyway.
Reply by SigmoidFreud, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 8:18 pm
The one thing for sure is for you to exude confidence, and conduct yourself in all situations like it is "no big deal" ! That is what I have been doing for 18 months. Also I have worn an 'ace' bandage wrapped around it with the woman I am seeing now. She wouldn't mind if I didn't. In fact she is curious about it. I tell people "it's just a small opening, and I have like a bandage over it. Some people have said to me "isn't there like a tube".

In other words like many things in life, we usually conjure up a scenario that is much worse than reality. People's thoughts and emotions take over, and replace reality. Try to find and be with people who are open, calm, cool, compassionate types; and, when dating, people who have experienced some adversity in some form in their life. These kinds of people are evolved and will, in my view, be more able to understand and accept.

KEY: act at all times like 'it's a piece of cake.' and has no adverse effect on anyone other than what is in their minds. Just more challenging in certain ways. Like millions of others with other conditions who have partners and date.
Reply by three, on Tue Apr 10, 2012 11:45 am
                                 
SigmoidFreud wrote:
. . . like many things in life, we usually conjure up a scenario that is much worse than reality. People's thoughts and emotions take over, and replace reality. Try to find and be with people who are open, calm, cool, compassionate types; and, when dating, people who have experienced some adversity in some form in their life. These kinds of people are evolved and will, in my view, be more able to understand and accept.


Right on!!!
Reply by bag_n_drag, on Tue Apr 10, 2012 12:26 pm
                                 
KennyT wrote:
So what I can gather Prime is taking out your glass eye and false teeth along with a wooden leg is fine but informing someone on initial contact that you have an ostomy is not?

I may be confused here??


No confusion, Kenny.  Prime's comments just reminded me of that little parody.....as folks have surmised here, the "right" time to tell someone about your ostomy really lies in the eye of the beholder.  SigmoidFreud's comments pretty much sum things up for me. Smile

Darla
Reply by Xerxes, on Tue Apr 10, 2012 3:45 pm
bag_drag,

Sigmund also said "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

X_
Reply by bag_n_drag, on Tue Apr 10, 2012 6:39 pm
                                 
Xerxes wrote:
bag_drag,

Sigmund also said "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

X_


Very true, Xerxes. Smile
Reply by LilyJ, on Mon Apr 16, 2012 12:22 pm
I recently told a female friend that I have an ileostomy.  Her response:
"Oh, so you have outdoor plumbing?"

I LOVED THAT!
Reply by bag_n_drag, on Mon Apr 16, 2012 1:29 pm
                                 
LilyJ wrote:
I recently told a female friend that I have an ileostomy.  Her response:
"Oh, so you have outdoor plumbing?"

I LOVED THAT!


WONDERFUL RESPONSE! Smile  And a wonderful friend, too!


Darla
Reply by nogutz, on Wed Apr 18, 2012 12:00 pm
Hi all

  I have been reading some of these responses and they are good, My question is how many people are in a good relationship? how many people tell white lies.Maybe we have been in relationships where we keep little secrets.All habits we have to change.For the first time in our life we have to be up front and honest, bit like a poker game You have to know when to hold them and know when to fold them,and know when to run.

   I  went on this dating site and put a profile on there and I was  honest in saying that, I really love home cooked meals so I hope you can cook and that i have grandkids that will keep you busy as well and inbetween you will be busy cleaning up after me .See now I just have to tell them about the ostomy.You would not believe the responses I received.Most of the woman were happy that I am so honest, then I tell them about cleaning the fish! most are still in.lol. Most of all I am meeting new people with somthing in common in that we are all are looking for a relationship.I am single though so manybe I  should stick to the white lies.like  A very tall 5'7" full of energy or s%$t. Do you see the Bag as half full or have empty? kinda sh&t
Reply by gee07, on Sun Apr 22, 2012 9:34 am
Like your comment  Xerxes. gee07
Reply by gee07, on Sun Apr 22, 2012 9:53 am
I think telling all, must be down to how well you can take rejection if it comes and it will with some people. Age of the person, how well you know them. For me I would never tell  early on in a friendship.If that person should decide to walk away and knowing some personal information on you may not keep it to them self.Fine if you don't mind others knowing but if you are thinking of telling or not,then you do mind. So then it is a case of only telling those you want to know. There are ways for a female to hide the bag with clever sexy underware, so if it's a hot time you are after then you don't need to say anything. This comment is to all in general. Gee07
Reply by christiesdad, on Sun Apr 22, 2012 8:38 pm
                                 
Xerxes wrote:
PB,

I can't stop laughing. Such prose. You might add, that from her perspective she can take you home in pieces.

X_


Thank you so much "X".  However since everyone is expressing an opinion on this subject in an un-antagonistic manner, I fail to see what the point is of trying, (unsuccessfully, I might add) to demean me or anyone else for their expressions. Thank you very  much!

Check out my comment at the end of the last page of this subject.
Reply by christiesdad, on Sun Apr 22, 2012 8:49 pm
Comes to mind a quote, taken completely out of context, and I might add I take a certain license with, from Winston Churchil,

"Never before, have so many, done so little, for so few, with so much"

An old golfing buddie of mine, who was so much better at the sport than I, once admonished me

that " un-solicited advice was the most useless commodity in the world"

In my final comment to the lady in question:  You will have to figure it out for yourself.

I wish you well and good luck in you're endeaver.
Reply by Xerxes, on Mon Apr 23, 2012 4:06 pm
Christiesdad,

Perhaps you should spend less time in front of the mirror and listening to playbacks of your own voice and read more intensely. My comment to which you refer, was made to Primeboy's lyrics that he posted from Spike Jones. It had nothing to do with the theme of the posting. So, put down your poison pen and lighten up and re-read my post.

X_
* Please, do not post contact information like email, Facebook or Twitter accounts, or phone number. These will be removed by the Administrator.
All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Currently online: 14    
2 members & 12 visitors