Dear Leah, I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you and of the actions of your husband. I am here on this site infrequently, only checking in once in a while now, hoping myself to gain some mystical grain of insight that becomes the key that fits the lock. I too have so many questions about why me, why now, why him, why my relationship had to be shattered.
For me, I am not the one who had to bear such a hideous disease or become the recipient of an ileostomy. It was my boyfriend/husband and ultimately a fading away shell of a man. It has been nearly 3 years now since the event hit us like a plague and I feel that we are drowning slowly. I am watching him self-destruct and I want to scream and throw a tantrum with a level 10 magnitude that life does not have to be so hard.
I especially empathize with your pain in seeing a person through something as horrible as what you have been through yourself, and you through your husband's throat cancer. I realized the moment the surgeon told us of his inability to repair the failed surgery that I had to make the decision right then and there, whether I would leave or stay. I also realized that my choice be a truthful and righteous one as he had a young child that I quickly became in charge of mothering and caring for during the very long season of surgeries and complications that followed. In a nutshell, I chose to stay and have never once thought of leaving because he has to use a bag. I fell in love with him before the surgery and that was that.
What I do know, however, is that his emotions, self-identity, self-esteem, thoughts, and fears are so complicated, complex, and forever changing that I at times feel exhausted and confused to the center of my own core. I imagine being a woman in this situation could be even worse as being a woman in general, getting older, and dealing with children leaving home makes me feel at times insane.
Please don't get me wrong. I am in no way saying it is your fault that your husband chose to take the path that he is on. People are much more complex and complicated, relationships are the same. He may have done this before, following his or your surgery. But there is something I do hope for you. If I could give you any gift at all, it would be time to contemplate all the parts and fears that you are faced with, without hysteria. Your life does not have to be over and your identity and worth can be strong. I have regretfully read several people's blogs about being unable to find new loves since their surgeries, which seems to reinforce that there is little hope for normality or fulfillment. Perhaps there may be a trend for many people to choose not to engage in relationships out of fear or ignorance regarding ileostomies, colostomies, or such. But also, I realize that there may be a tendency for people who have ileostomies/colostomies to assume that they cannot possibly be loved.
I can forthrightly tell everyone that this is not true because I love my guy, and it is he who pushes me away. Love is funny and at times tricky. A woman like you does not come around often. So collect yourself up and put your fragile pieces together, dear Leah. You are only on this planet for a blink of an eye. Let your light and life shine as brilliantly as the stars above. You survived and you are here with purpose. Sincerely, from a friend.
