Just for Laughs!

Ladies, if you are willing to take your top off for a beer then you won't be getting my respect.

You will, however, be getting my beer.

I posted this joke three weeks ago. God bless the Royal Mail.

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies' dressing room for his mum to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt..

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten!

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes, there are," he says, "my mum told me so."
"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No, I'm sorry," he says. "My mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T HAVE ANY TEETH DOWN THERE"

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.

This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

An engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant are sitting around the table in the pub discussing life, philosophy, and stuff, and eventually the conversation turns to married life.

"I love having a mistress," the lawyer says. "I enjoy the thrill, the excitement, the guilt, and it just makes my marriage that much more bearable."

The engineer looks at the lawyer and says, "No. The foundation of marriage is vital to support a happy life. I have never cheated on my wife, and I never will. I have built a partnership with my wife, and I prefer being married."

The accountant says, "No. You both have it wrong. I have both a wife and a mistress, and they know about each other. This way, the wife thinks I am with the mistress, and the mistress thinks I am with the wife, and I am free to go into the office and get some work done."

Loved the Aussie one... and I don't drink beer... tops stuff Neil... funny guy...

WIFE VS HUSBAND......................................
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

I was in Coles with two full trolleys of booze and my monthly shopping when a little old lady got behind me in the queue. She only had a pint of milk as her shopping.
So I said, "Is that all you've got, love?". She replied, "Yes".
So I did the decent thing and said, "If I were you, I'd fluck off to another till. I'm gonna take ages."

BIRTH.........................
Two gay men decided to have a baby. They mixed their sperm together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling and gurgling serenely. A nurse comes by, and, to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out that the happy child is theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful!" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies.....but our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now...........but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his butt.!!!"

R.M. Williams.................................
A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth.
Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. Williams boots, so, seeing some on sale......he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?".
Margaret looked him over, "No darl".
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new R.M. Williams boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, cause it's always that way."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?".
"No darl," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!!!!".
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert."

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's that?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........

'Boy...................go get your Momma...............'

Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember anymore. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six..'

Well, that makes me age 10 then, awwright!!!, always knew I was a big kid!

Many thanks to Neil and Miss T for crackin' me up!!!

During the act of mating, the male whale ejaculates 40 gallons of sperm.
Yet, only 10% enters the female.
And you wonder why the sea tastes so salty?

A Scotsman is in a Cuban bar, and sees a man with a big black beard go to the bar. The man gets a shot of whisky from the barman, drinks it, and turns to leave. The barman says "Hey, aren't you gonna pay?" The man says "Castro's army," and winks at him. The barman nods and lets the man leave. The Scotsman thinks "I'll have some of that," so he goes to the bar and gets a shot of whisky. When he turns to leave, again the barman says "Hey, aren't you gonna pay?", so the Scotsman says "Castro's army," and winks at him. But then the barman asks "Where's your beard?" Thinking quickly, the Scotsman lifts his kilt and says "Secret service."

From an internal CDC memo:

20,000 people die from novel 2009-H1N1 and everybody wants to wear a mask.
9 million people die from AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.

First came H1N1 - but now be extra careful, a new illness is at home...

There is a special strain of virus that is more dangerous than H1N1. It afflicts most married men causing restricted mobility, speech impairment, stress, high blood pressure, and uncontrolled fits of rage. There is no cure in sight and may stay with the victim forever. It is called W1F3.

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' okay?"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You've ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No, you twat," screamed the director, "You forgot the rose..."

As always, absolutely bloody brilliant, Neil!!!

Oh Jesus Neil...where do you find these? Like usual, I was going to comment on one of them, but then the rest are so funny... keep up the great work guys... you guys can continue on after I'm gone at the end of the year....
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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart (hate that word). The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everyone was staring at me... then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod....

The Mechanic and the Cardiologist.........................
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked.... "So doc, look at the engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks.. $1,695,759..... when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................................... "Try doing it with the engine running...

On the Lighter Side

It's the week before Christmas. An 8-year-old boy is anxiously waiting in line at one of the local department stores to tell Santa what he wants for Christmas. He's patiently waited in line for over an hour, overhearing all the things the other children before hope to get from Santa.

Finally, it's his turn. Santa asks, "So, little boy, what would you like from Santa this year?" Without any hesitation, the little boy tells Santa, "I want a colostomy!" Feeling rather confused, Santa repeated the question and got the same response from the boy.

Santa asked, "Wouldn't you rather have a toy train, or a football, or a new bike?"
"No," said the boy. "I want a colostomy." Santa asked the boy, "Do you know what a colostomy is?"

And the little boy said, "No, but I heard if you had a colostomy you could go horseback riding, and skydiving, and mountain climbing, and swimming........

Have I missed something? Where are you going at the end of the year?

Yeah really Tara, what's going on?
Are you leaving us?

Sorry guys, didn't get notice that you had even spoken to me... Well, I might be as membership will run out soon... Think there will be a few things I can't do after that. But in the meantime, here's a couple of jokes to try and cheer myself up. Oops, I mean cheer you guys up... Plus, I'm in no state to go giving any kind of advice... Too screwed up myself. Only thing I have to look forward to is becoming a local taxi driver. Wish me luck.
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The Wasp.............
A young husband and his wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car, and made a mad dash for the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her, and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous he couldn't rise to the occasion.
"If neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doc quickly undressed, slathered on some honey, and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several minutes. "Hey, what the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," said the doc panting, "I'm going to drown the little bastard."
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THE SEVEN MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE....................................

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes".
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide".
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?" (mmm)
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll love it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest".
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "keep quiet and lie still".
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My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Nice job Jo

I'd love to be eight again.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide

* The Wall of Fear

* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later, she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling, and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favorite lolly, and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened, and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f###ing twit."

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.

Hi Jo, just love them jokes, Ed