Let down by fellow ostomate

Hey all,

hope all are we'll, I'm 32, have been on my fair share of dates over the years dating people with and without the bag, still single but have enjoyed some company along the way, I have diabetes and a skin condition also.

Well I went out with a fellow ostomate, who I had been speaking with on skype, Facebook and on this forum over the last six months, with her having surgery before Xmas we decided to leave things until the new year, she finally got in touch and agreed to meet up. In newcastle, where she is from, I'm from crewe, so a 3.5 hr train ride with one stop would be ok for me.

we met up end of March and got on really well, I liked her she liked me. Then a few days after went by and did not here anything. Then she texts me to let me know when she got home in the early hours of the morning, she fell over at home and ended up in hospital and got two broken wrists, I could not believe it as I put her in a taxi on the early hours of 1st April and she was drunk, so I did the right thing, I'm a gentleman, I treat women with respect, as we all do!!

anyway to cut a long story short, we kept in touch, sent messages by text and skype and Facebook over the next ten weeks while she recovered and got her casts off and had other surgeries for her chrohns.

we then agreed to meet up again on th 9th June, 2014 back in newcastle for a 2nd meet up in the evening. When I got to newcastle I went on my iPad to see not only had she blocked me from Facebook, she had  also stopped my texts and emails getting through to try and contact her. I was heart broken, oh yes we were not a couple or getting married or even seeing each other on a regular basis, but I was left deversated and in need of answers as I had told her about everything about the bag, which she had and everything going back to when mine had started and the things we both liked, etc.

anyway, was I wrong to meet up with someone else who had the bag or was she wrong to let me down?

Darren c, 32 from Cheshire 

I think you know the answer to this really.  You weren't wrong to meet up with her.  Even without this bag or health issues, relationships are a gamble. While it's not wrong for someone to decide not to continue a relationship; it is wrong to just delete them from your world without a reason.  Especially if you were getting along. But it happens all the time.  Usually the story is the woman's.  You are the first man I've heard of getting dumped out of the blue without so much as a good bye. She should of told you before you made the trip to New Castle; that sucks big time. Most likely she was merely being a coward and could not face you with her reasons. For the same reason someone promises a phone call or a second date, etc. etc., then never calls.  Since you know she deleted, blocked, all of the above - it's definitely not a case where she is hurt again and can't reply. Even in such cases (I have been in one) I have asked someone close to me to contact the gentleman if I can not. If only as a courtesy if not for more personal reasons. 

Or you could think of this on a romantic level.  She may have fallen for you but knew it would never work, for whatever reasons her little head concocted, so decided this was the best thing to do to keep you both from getting seriously hurt.  She knew if she tried to explain it to you she'd fail because she cared about you so much you'd easily convince her to keep trying. She felt the feelings between you both were too much to just be friends. 

But you will never know unless she sees this topic, feels guilty and decides to e-mail you to ease her soul. 

So no, you were not, are not, will never be, wrong for meeting someone you are interested in. Yes, she was wrong in how she handled it. Dating an ostomate does not protect oneself from relationship problems.  Being an ostomate does not negate oneself from being a cad. 

Don't give up. You're young, a cutie and are a gentleman ( really rare to find in the younger generations). There are a few more people destined to enter your life.

HI,

I just read your posting.  Please dont give up on dating and trying to find that special someone.  You will in time.  You have alot ot offer.  And you dont fine to many gentelmen like you anymore.

Barbara

Hey all,

thanks you for your kind replies, I will keep looking in time and go from there!!

yours thankfully,

Darren 

Darren,

These things happen...bag or no bag. We can't control what other people do. Their choices are theirs. The only thing that you are really in charge of is how you react to them. I have found that it is better to act with a charitable heart. You are not really dissappointed in her . You don't REALLY know her. What you are really dissappointed in is the idea of the possibility of something more being taken away. 

Take heart in that if it was not meant to be, then what is meant to be is on it's way. Be open. :))

Hi Darren,

Try not to let it discourage you. There ARE good people out there. You seem like a decent young guy with respect for women. There are women out there that will pick up on that and cherish it. This one seems immature, ditching someone like that is not the act of a caring adult, and you're better off without her.

Dating with an ostomy in never easy. I've fallen hard for a non-ostomate woman, and she reciprocates the attraction. Tonight is "the conversation". I am sweating it like you cannot believe. I just keep the SAS motto in my head: Who Dares Wins.  Maybe not all the time true, but if you give in without trying, you never will.

Hang in there!

Cheers,

Paul

Edit: just so as to not leave the story hanging, "the conversation" last night went well. It was hard, very, very hard getting started, but she listened intently, asked a number of intelligent questions and simply said "ok" with a great degree of sweetness. The good ones ARE out there Darren, you just have to hang in and fight the good fight long enough to meet them. Stay strong brother :)

Let it roll, move on! Vikinga answer was good.      Kevin

Sorry for your experiance, but be thankful it happened sooner than later. Relationships are complicated at best, ostomate or not. My most untruthful and unfaithful relationship, was with a fellow ostomate. But with the hurt, came the confirmation, that an "Ass is just an Ass". Doesn't matter the physical condition or limitation. Don't limit yourself when it comes to  finding true love. I promise it's worth the snakes you step over, to find the one that's waiting JUST for you.

BEG

Thanks for the edit Torch. Was wondering how it turned out.  Yay!   Many more happy days ahead.

Thanks all for your king comments and emails, all great. 

Paul, well done on your date and telling her about everything, I will stay strong and go for it, no one is going to stop me now. And I have to say after my replies, I am looking forward to the future.

darren c

Well I'm back!! Still single, but getting their!! Well the girl I met on here got back in touch at the end of August. I forgave her and she said that she was in and out of hospital and explained the situation why she let me down, and I said ok. So we started to chat on skype and text message and as we came out of August, into September, she started to become ill. She had a seizure due to her chrohns and meeting up again was going to be hard considering she lived outside Newcastle upon Tyne and I live in crewe, cheshire!!

we continued to text each other and spoke about meeting up but her health would not let her, even though she went out with friends locally and stayed in too, I even suggested coming up again, we all no where that ended up the last time!!

she sent me a card and present for my birthday at the end of October and I returned the favour when she became 27 in November. Two weeks passed and she started to tell me to find someone else, and she was not ready again. Then a week pass she went out drinking and text me saying she did not like me, find me attractive and was sorry she came back. I went barmy and let her have it saying she was hurtful and vindictive, we have not spoke since and I'm single, but hey living with a bag is a nightmare anyway, apart from being let down by a fellow baggy!! 

Was as i an idiot to forgive? That's me to a tee, that's the way I was brought up. I'm 33 now, and single!!

thanks for listening,

darren Clark , crewe (ileostomy for life)

No, you''re not an idiot, for any reason. Definitely not for forgiving. Sorry you got hurt again. But as I said before, it happens in any relationship.  Internet or long distance relationships are harder because they are internet or long distance - you're not there to see what goes on in the other persons life on a day-to-day basis. Nor are you able to sit down and talk things out for better understanding. She should of left it at telling you to find someone else because she was not ready. Obviously I don't know what your reaction to that was.  IF you insisted to keep things going it may of been the reason she got nasty. Some times you have to be an ass to get the point across to another person you just don't want to continue. 

You are not the only one that seems to think this; but it's a niggly bug in my mind that some people come on this site and believe because you may find someone with a bag things are guaranteed to work out. Kindred spirit kind of thinking. I wrote a blog about this very thing awhile back. It's a false hope.  Being bag or bagless doesn't change the fact we're all human and make stupid mistakes, are assholes, or sweethearts, or whatever our personalities. The only difference I see in finding someone with a bag is that you don't have to wonder about the outcome of the explanation of having one. But you still have all the other ups and downs any relationship brings to your life. 

You were let down by a girl, plain and simple. Her being a fellow baggy doesn't make it any worse.

I guess this is about me, so one sided Darren, You know I broke both my wrists, had burns to my hands, casts on both arms for 5 months, Concussion. cracked rib in hospital for 2 weeks, left deaf in one ear with tinitus, then i needed tendon surgery the day after our date.  You just never let me get over it all everyday it was pressure about meeting again, or coming up to care for me? after 1 date?  I would have met you again but you put me off you with your constant pressure. (and just to make clear I have been diagnosed with Epilepsy now after another episode of falling down the stairs It was not due to being drunk! but drink can lead to episodes)

Yes we began speaking again after i needed time out from you but again the pressure, so i just said I didnt think we were suited (which i dont) and hope to meet up as friends or just remain friends) which you gave me a right mouthfull and said no to being friends goodbye!

about 2 weeks later your texting me every 5-6 days....... ?

Now a 2 sided story, and im sure you will continue to contact me........

Good for you Roxy. Nice to see the other side of the coin. Hope you are healing well. Z

hey,

well glad to see your still alive Roxanne. I wrote the post last june when you let me down, which was right as you made me came up, other than that the texts and posts was because I cared for you, I did not hassle you or come up and camp out outside your house

But when you got back in touch I was surprised, but me being me I gave in an we chatted again, when you Said you wanted to meet one week and then not the next only few months later to say you don\'t fancy me, fair enough, I only told you were too go as I was upset. I don\'t wish you any harm and I\'m sorry that you have another condition and all the texts was because I cared. Hope u feel better soon. Darren x