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Coffee Date

Posted by blueonthetyne

well,

i just thought i share this with you all.

as many of you know i lost my wife in october to leukiema. after a very lonely new year i decided id like a social companion so i joined one of those older peoples sort of dating sites.i have loads of friends and am a very socialble person but i guess i was looking for someone outside of the circle.

well, i got chatting to this lady nearby,i wasnt sure how to aproach the ostomy subject or even if i had to but i did, it was fine.i thought wow, all the hangups were all just me, this is easy, people really dont worry about it.

after a couple of weeks chatting on the phone we met yesterday for coffee.

disaster ........

all she talked about was her b.....d ex and how poor hed left her,

the moral of the story is

we think weve got troubles sometimes .......

give me  the bag than the baggage any day

ha ha

keep smiling ostomates

See all blogs by blueonthetyne
Comments:
WAB : was the coffee good ?
Angelicamarie : Wow blueonthetyne, at least you got to mingle,but that was quite funny when you said give me the bag any day!!! Dint give up , you may just meet a good friend, hang in there. Angel
Bill : Hello Phil.
Thanks for sharing.
I hope you were able to be a good listener to her problems as sometimes people who are looking for someone to share their time with need to have a sounding board for what's going on inside. Perhaps, by getting it all out of her system, she will be able to move on and have other things to talk about on your next meeting.
It's a bit like the constant debate about whether we enlighten people about our ostomies on a first date. Some like to get it over with to see if the other person is put of at the outset, in which case they don't need to invest emotional energy in taking the relationship any further. Others will wait to see if there is anything worth investing in before they start sharing what they think are their problems.
I find that once I have listened carefully to people's problems and shown them that I understand and empathise with what they are telling me, then they feel that there is less reason to keep repeating the story as I can begin to help them look to the future rather than dwell on the past.
The baggage is not quite so heavy when someone else is helping you to shift it.
Best wishes
Bill
blueonthetyne : thanks for your comments,
I think what it has done has made me realise the thing about the bag is its our stuff and I definitely wont be getting stressed over it again. we work ourselves up about this thing when so called "normal" toilet goers don't meet someone and start discussing their waste habbits so why should we. I know at some point and some ongoing weve all suffered trauma over this thing, I was even sent to a medical shrink but if I or we meet someone who we like and likes us our toilet habbits should not matter.
this poor women drove me mad with her continueus rant , I felt a bit sorry for the fella in the end.
coffee was nice, bit expensive,ive stopped looking now anyway for now
almelia : Loved your tale... made me laugh out loud. Just coming up to my first year with my ileo.. hate the bloody thing but hey ho!
If u want a coffee with no strings (I'm in a v good relationship - if a tad complicated - wouldn't swap him for the world) but I'm only in tyne & wear. My only obession is my kayaking so fair warning given! Ali
bluejewel : Blueonthetyne, Your brave to out there a mingle after losing your wife. It has been several years since I lost my husband and think how nice it would be to have someone to hang out with other then my girlfriends, but I never take the step. I don't think about my ostomy much anymore since it is a part of my everyday life now, except when I think of having more of a social life. I just need to not worry about it and enjoy life. I'm sure with time you will run into a nice, fun to be with lady. Don't give up, she is out there.
Past Member: Good morning, I know losing your wife is heartbreaking and give you much credit to be vunerable despite her baggage. I imagine you made an impact on her life. She will reflect on her conversation with you. When she doesn't hear from you again. She will learn the meaning of altruism, to be a good listener. Her anxiety could have proved her from a seemingly less baggage conversation. I hope you genuinely find someone to hold hands n grow old with. Thank you for your attempt it gives all of us hope for your courageous act.
blueonthetyne : Ahhhh such kind words, I do know now that it all to soon, I've managed to move on a little from that. You can't force things like this, I'm keeping busy and enjoying coffee dates that are exactly that, seen all your bad weather on the TV, what a spring, stay warm
Angelicamarie : Thanks friend, I commented when you first mentioned you made it!!! Eventually, something good will come along . Thanks for thinking of me. Have a good one!!! Angelicamarie
Past Member: I'm sorry for your loss.I can relate as my husband has Multiple Sclerosis. I took care of him from 93 to 2009 as he couldn't work any longer
Cognitive issues eroded critical thinking skills, he was once sweet, then after 2007 he became violent catatonic. I was dealing with still young children their illness and mine. I had to face, along with my children what doctors wanted me to do well before I did, for his safety and ours
He willing went and his reality is paranoia, though he is 60 now he at times thinks he is 28, the age my daughter will leave behind in just a few weeks. We care for him n love him like a child as I did for decades before. So life goes on, my children now nearing 29 n 33 encourage me to date
I grieved long enough they tell me. It wouldn't be so horrible to have a companion they say. I have experienced some negative outcomes, fought to get my living situation more normal. I look at your photo and read your bio, it made me happy n caused me to respond. I'm not even considering a special person at this time. I'm still mending but I'm open to friendship from afar. Your blue water and life in one snapshot looks like a dream. Yes, it is FREEZING here on Long Island. It can be part of its charm as well. The icicles wave in the warm sun and shimmer from tree tops like crystals and it's at that point my heart longs for the ocean 15 minutes from these icicles. The water is turbulent, the sand is blowing but soon we will be riding along the beach and step out onto some beautiful white sand, tumbled treasures to gather for our memories of another year. To be truthful I've no idea how to reply to someone individually and I can't figure out how or what symbols at the top n of my cell phone for this site are for. So it's kind of a happy mystery when I find anyone's posting. Yeso, I know how to use a computer and did so very competently for my career. However, my computer went on the fritz and Imy not too concerned with electronics at the moment
Especially since our mobile phones can serve us well. I received an early birthday gift from my daughter a month back, a 16 gallon coral life bio cube. I once had a 60 gallon reef safe tank and gave it up due to well the weight n height. I hope to garden with corals by April and the fish I will have about 4 and a cleaner crew. It makes the winters alone bearable. To watch what we rarely see grow as we nature them. Oh well time to move about. Take care and for us in the Northern states, please post more photos of what you see through your lens. It can warm a heart, mind and soul and I love to learn about different places. I have traveled (not tecently) to parts of Italy, an Irish girl in Italy I was, then off to Switzerland, which I fell in love with, Aruba, Texas,St. Lucia (I didn't like) I was upset by the way the people their must live ) Minnesota for medical resdons ( now in June it was parka weatherosclerosis there! Ugh. Nevafa,my son and his wife live their lives in a nice area. I wouldn't live in a dessert if you paid me. Florida, again not for me. South and North Carolina again not for me. It's been awhile since I travelled. Though my daughter said one day I will see Ireland. The places I travelled to were never my choice. Well, take care and we should all see post photos of we see in our lives. A garden of photos. Do you have a farm picture to lift a spirit, a rainbow, an ocean, or reef. A mountain, or Valley to share. Our world is felt by what we see. I saw some awesome things on my travels, I'm sorry I didn't have the funds at the time to take the photos, however, I can still see them in my mind and heart. I don't like to have my photo taken. It looks as though my children were raised by a ghost. L.O.L
TAKE CARE!
blueonthetyne : ahhhhh nomorebellybutton. I do love the sound of your bio cube.youve made me smile,u said about the photo with the blue water, I looked and that's Barbara in the boat, our last holiday together 2015, we knew at that point the cancer was back but the doctors told us to go and have out holiday and mae some memories, we did. its also me in the sea for the first time with the bag,as you know with your husband noe of know what we are gonna have to deal with, the dust settles and we have to carry on, maybe help others with our experience along the way.
Im slowly building up a small circle of "coffee" dates and even a nice lady from here, its certainly enough to get showered and smart for,have a laugh and then look forward to the next one,id never have the time now for a relationship thingy,.
good luck and love to you in all you do, youll be sitting on that beach before you know it
phil