Yesterday was rough. Two blow outs. A lap full of sh*t twice. I thought I did it all right. Been down on myself for being stupid since that's obviously the issue. I've been trained in this why am I failning so miserably!?!?
I'm trying to pull back from that bitter edge where everything is black and white and I'm that triggered veteran again in the midst of a ptsd episode, and no one can reach me. I'm angry, frustrated, my ex fiance walked in on me covered in sh*t trying not to cry as I was attempting to figure out how to get to the bathroom. I feel helpless, useless, and because I'm so weak from a month in the hospital, a super fast flow in my ostomy, and 3 weeks with no food initially in my stay, I'm less than 130 lbs of my original 185. With little fat reserves then or now. I know I'ma go on. I know I'll heal. Not being able to even walk down the hall without getting dizzy and want to fall out from the little white sparkleys that appear..... Useless. Fucking useless! I'm so strong!!! Yet right now I'm not! I'm weak, I'm frail, I'm vulnerable, and I hate it! I'm even shaking now from the exertion of trying to hold up this phone to write....I want to cry, but I can't. I won't feel sorry for me. But I want to. I know that road leads to self pity and I have none. I realized that if I'd gotten myself to the hospital instead of waiting a week, if not be in this terrible condition. But I didn't know.....I truly thought I was passing a kidney stone.... So the self blame still dances in my head, while I attempt to wrap my head around how my life will continue as I rehabilitate. I'm 3 days out of the hospital now. I want my life and independence back. And every step I make takes hours to recoup. I guess I just needed to complain for a minute. I'm still feeling down, but tomorrow's another day. Today I'll get my meds, pain meds included, since they screwed up and sent them to the wrong place on Friday, of course too late to change, and now they'll be ready today after 2pm. I'm looking fwd to reducing the pain of my centerline incision, and other pains. Hopefully the got them right. . .