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World Turned Upside Down

Posted by Pixie

It was just a simple dinner. Baked pork chops with mushrooms and potates. It smelled great when I took it out of the oven and we ate and watched a little TV. Afterward, my husband went to bed but my stomach didn't feel right so I was going to wait and see what was going to happen before I laid down.

I sat out here on my computer as the pain rolled in. Sharp pains shooting from side to side in my midsection, gas rushing from one side to the other, never going down or up, like it was stuck. I got up and started moving around. Bending over and touching my toes, bending over and picking up all the dogs toys and putting them away. I stood and did some dishes then went and began cleaning my bathroom. That's when bending over started to make me feel sick to my stomach. I came back and sat down and my abdomen sounded like I had a thunderstorm rolling in there. I could record it on my phone it was so loud. Sometimes it was really painful but fast and other times it felt like air was just rolling around with no way out.

After a while, I began to get nauseated just sitting here so I got up to go to bed. For the first time in I couldn't remember how long, I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. I go in there and only manage to pass gas but at least some of that air had gotten out. Maybe now my belly would settle down. I go crawel into bed with my husband and the pain just starts up again. I think I need to go to the bathroom so I get up and go in there and sit for 15 min trying to go and nothing was happening. It was like my butt was "closed". I go back to bed only to begin to feel sick to my stomach on top of the need to go/can't go feeling. I moan my way through for a while and appologize to my husband for waking him up. Deep breathes for the nausea, soft moan out for the belly pain. Deep breathe for nausea, soft moan out for belly pain. My childbirthing experience is where I figure I got this from. lol This helped for a while but I eventually had to try and go to the bathroom again and this time I began throwing-up. I was in there for over half an hour puking and trying to shit! How much more disgusting could my life get! I mean seriously! What evil little troll has cast some "dirty spell" on me and how do I make it go away!!!!!!!!!

I try and lay down but I can't stop throwing up. So my husband takes me to the emergency room of the doctors who were orginally going to do my surgery because it was closer. I am non-stop vomitting by now with severe abdominal pain. If I wasn't puking, I was moaning in pain. They put me in a room rather quickly and they ordered another CT scan. I was given an IV, pain meds, anti-nausea meds, and taken to imaging. The anti-nausea med was a lifesaver. By the time I was out of the CT scan I had quit vomitting and was able to lay without moaning (thank you too pain meds). The CT show an abstruction. It looked like a piece of my bowel was swollen almost shut. The rest of bowels were full and my body couldn't take any more, so "...up came supper."  Yes, "up came supper.".

Now there's an issue. The doctors that I was gonna see before I got referred out, can't really see my now because I was referred out. They need to get in touch with my current doctors at the other hospital and transfer me over to them for treatment and I thought that would take forever but I think it was only like half an hour later I had an ambulance take me over and get me admitted. That day, Monday, was basically spent doing tests and stuff and talking about "maybe doing surgery". I seen soooo many people and even though my husband was there, we were both so tired, we both had a hard time keeping people straight. There were people from different departments, people from the surgical department, lots from urology, nurses, techs, just a constant flow of people coming in and out. They mentioned "possible surgery" several times but they needed this test or that information to give to the doctor. I guess the doctor who admitted me was the other half of the surgical team I was waiting to get my surgery date from.

I was relieved to hear that. Even though I had not met him personally, he would have been in touch with the other doctor, the urologist, and he'd know I have a fistula and that we were getting ready to have it removed. I believe I was sleeping that first time he came to my room, or he talked to my husband in the hall or something. Anyway, I never met him then but my husband had and he liked him. I felt like I was in good hands and that I was going to have this surgery early whether I liked it or not and it was probably a good thing wrapped up in a sick and painful blanket that I was going to have the surgery sooner, rather than 6 weeks out. Well, "might have the surgery" because no one seemed to know for sure. I didn't sleep much that Monday night. I thought I would since none of us slept Sunday night but I couldn't. It didn't help that they came in all the time for a vital or medication or a question, all the time either.

At 6:30 am a woman came in and said she was from the surgical team and asked me about my partial blockage, (partial because I could pass air but still not passing feces.) my diverticulitus area (s) and said she had seen my CT scan. I asked her if this meant I was having the surgery today and she said they were trying to fit me in. She would come back again later that morning with two other "people from the surgical team" and basically asked all the same questions again. This time she thought they'd get me in at the end of the day but she wasn't sure. Then this nurse comes in and tells me she's there to talk to me about ostomy surgery and I just thought that was a little much. I knew there was a chance of needing one bag or the other (maybe even both)but did we really need to go over what all that would entail before I even knew I was going to need it? She's nice enough and starts talking about the different terminology and starts pulling the bags and supplies out of her box and I just thought this was such an over kill. Then this other guy comes into my room from some department and he has my CT pictures and was going to go over them with me. He says something to the "bag lady" about her beating him there and she said that when she saw ASAP, she went ASAP. So I guess they were supposed to come together but she got the jump on him.

Why was that?

More people walked into my room but I'm listening to this guy point out all the issues with my colon being backed up the way it was. I had parts of my intestine that were 9cm across, what ever that meant. Really big I guess. Okay I said. That I had a part of my colon that was inflamed and no letting things through and we were going to have to give it a break.


Bag lady steps forward, "Meaning they'd like to give you an ileostomy. Remember when I was talking to you earlier about the dif............. ..." I quit listening to her. My head was spinning. My mind was blown. This "maybe surgery" wasn't about my fistula! Of course it wasn't! No. This surgery was about pulling my small intestine out so that my large intestine could have a break. Are you fucking kidding me????? Omg! I just kept saying oh no no, please no and she comes over to "comfort me" and tells me not to worry that, "You are in control."

You are in control? You are in control??


I exploded! I literally lost my mind in the hospital. All those times of holding it, it all came out.

"Control? I have NEVER had control of this. None of it!" I snapped at her. "This isn't the surgery I thought it was. Do I have to do it?"

And she said no, and they weren't going to force me to do it. That I could refuse.

More people walked in, some people left. I stood there going back and forth between crying and yelling. I told them all that if I HAD CONTROL this would have done 2 years ago! If I HAD CONTROL it would never have gotten to this point in the first place. I DID WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO but everyone around me failed me. Not you guys specifically but the medical people before." I cried and cried and they all tried to offer support and understanding but I needed to get out of there for a few minutes. I'm a smoker and I needed a fucking cigarette.

I looked at bag lady and said "I need some time, just a little bit of time to digest all of this and I need to have a cigarette and I need to talk to my husband." through tears. "Please, let me just go outside and have a cigarette and talk to him and then decide if I want to do this or not." I mean jesus christ! I'm thinking someone is finally going to fix my fistula and it turned out they weren't even gonna touch it and just make me start pooping in a bag. I NEEDED TIME!

"Well, this is a non-smoking facility......." she starts.

"I know!", I interupt. "Let me go outside. I'll go sit in the car with him." and I point to my husband.

"Oh, I can't authorize that type of thing. You'd have to talk to your nurse. We'll call her back here." and she goes over and pushes the nurse button.

There must of been 6, to 8 people in there and I'm just pacing all around the room.

My nurse comes in and bag lady is telling her that I've just taken in some bad news and I wanted to go out and smoke." And the nurse is like, "No. I can't let you go outside." and I look over at bag lady and say,

"Is this the "control" you were telling me about?"

I then appeal to the nurse. Please let me go. I just need to smoke a cigarette and think about this and talk to my husband."

The nurse is just flat out No. "You could fall.", "I don't know you." And I told her I'd be with him, I wouldn't be alone. I'd be sitting in a car. I just needed to think please. Please let me go think about this.

And she said she couldn't. I turned and gave bag lady an evil look and reminded them all that I was supposed to have to control and THAT I WAS LEAVING! I grab my couple of things I had and threw them in the bag my husband had brought that morning and as I went to leave, I guess my doctor had been standing there and he looks at me and says, "Can I draw for you?"

Holy fuck.

No, no you can't draw for me. And I walked out. One nurse followed me telling me I couldn't leave but she sadly mistaken because I was walking out of there. As I got on the elevator I heard her say to call security.

Right!? Just what I needed.

I make it off the elevator and out the front doors but I didn't quite make it across the street before security caught up with me. lol I left the hospital with the thing for an IV still in my arm and that's a no-no. I had to go back inside the hospital and have it removed. Nurses met me at the door. I then walked across the stree to the car port and lit up a god damn cigarette and cried my eyes out.  I was crying to hard to really be able to find where he had parked but I just walked around the lot until he finally made it out of the hospital and helped me into the car.

I was an aboslute wreck. I looked like a crazy lady.  You know, lady in a thigh length robe, hospital socks, smoking a cigarette, wondering around  a car port crying, kind of crazy.

And I had just walked out of the hospital. The one I was relying on to fix me.

I was a mess.




See all blogs by Pixie
Mar 08, 2022
RaenotRay : Pixie,
Just know I am right there with you. Crazy as a banshee, smoking and crying right along with you. I don't smoke, but you are my new heroine. I feel the crazy, angry, hopeless, lack of control with you. I pray there's a happy ending, but don't skip any of your story. I hope you can sue the pants off someone too. ??
Mar 09, 2022
Bill : Hello Pixie.
I'm with RaenotRay in her comments in that while I am looking forward to a happier ending, I do not want to miss out on all that you have to write before that. It's a brilliant piece of prose that appeals to those of us who know about these things.
Best wishes