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DEFINING FRIENDS

Posted by Bill

DEFINING FRIENDS.

There’s folks who won’t come close to me

because I have an ostomy.

That does not matter in the end

where that person is not a friend.

But when they were my friends before

this is when it hurts me more.

One would expect a friend to stay

from the respect we had one day.

Linking back to when things were fine

thinking that these were friends of mine

I have to question reasons why

friends from my past would pass me by.

Maybe it’s me made the wrong call

and they were not my friends at all.

Nonetheless it hurts inside

that they give me a birth so wide.

Although it gets to me a bit

I don’t want to dwell on it.

I’d like to concentrate upon

my new state and moving on.

Here my tale has not yet ended

for there are people I’ve befriended

and they can empathise with me

because they have an ostomy.

From now on I won’t pretend,

I need to redefine ‘a friend’

as someone who can really care

and when you need them they’ll be there.

Someone you can rely upon

not have to ask them why they’ve gone.

This sort you’ll find that in the end

ought to define what is a friend.

B. Withers 2013

See all blogs by Bill
Comments:
Oct 28, 2014
life lover : That is true Bill and I agree. But the sad thing is when it's your family! They take advantage and call me a 'freak' Sisters who don't understand; being emotionally weak. Yes I know your pain, when your own sister steals away relationships for her own gain! But just remember Bill, when one door closes, another will open wide, to people and friends who want to be on your side. It's true, due to my abusive sister, and past relationships, my trust is still off the track,But with wonderful people like you, I can be assured that I'll get it back!!!
Nov 04, 2014
Bill : Hello life lover. Thank you for reading and responding to this verse. It means a lot to know that someone, somewhere gets the gist of the sentiments within the rhymes and then on odd occasions someone actually understands and can empathise with those sentiments. Trust must be something that is earned over time and many human beings have a knack of destroying any trust that we might have had in them. However, as you rightly say when one door closes another may open. I tend to think of individual people in terms of having many faces some of them seemingly incompatible with others. Thus they might be able to be trusted in one situation or at one level but not on another. I have found that it is very rare for individuals to be trustworthy in everything so I tend to be wary of trusting them with anything until they can 'prove' themselves as worthy of that trust. Of course that can lead to having a somewhat isolated existence at times and yet I have never felt 'lonely'. Especially as every now and then there's a feeling of having 'soulmates' out there in cyberspace that can be trusted at least with the more sensitive aspects of coping with an ostomy. Best wishes Bill
Nov 06, 2014
mooza : My lovely poet bill if my friends wernt my friends before they can get stuffed now LOL thats my rhyme thats my whinge no im not going on a drinking binge cheers and to Life LOVER your not a freak they are and sadly have their heads up their butts , maybe they are just hateful as we know familys are familys and maybe you have the attention in the family and sister dont oh hell my sister did say a few times with out thinking that she would have killed herself if she was me but i know she meant she couldnt cope but again i took it really bad she just would have to learn to live with a lil stoma theres 1 way out but that road shouldnt have to be taken unless its a personal choice who knows , but we really know who our friends are and our attitudes to our selves can change others haters are haters and if i have ben called worse wont really bother as the BLANK was a druggie liar and so called friend i knew really wasnt just a bad influence and really a moron who really screamed for attention god im so glad a tiny mistake they made gave me the UP yours and blank off lifes better woithout some randon people i keep the good people close and the ones i never really knew apart i know who my friends are but i have my small walls to keep the shitheads out or as far as they need to be but thats me LOL XXX hope your much better
Nov 23, 2014
Bill : Hello Mooza.Thanks for the post. There's a saying that you can't choose your family - but then sometimes family are are not friends as well. I've taken to the concept of not having 'friends' -- I only have people I know - and some I know better than others. Humans tend to so unreliable as friends that invariably people turn to their pets for the sort of friendship that the human species have so much trouble with developing and sharing.Best wishesBill
Nov 23, 2014
Bill : Hello octobersunrise. I too once went to a school reunion and can relate to your experiences. Ours was organised by someone who had done well in the world and simply wanted us all to know about it. Personally I found the most interesting of my fellow school attenders were those who had struggled through their difficult lives with very little material reward but a whole heap of essential experiences and survival-techniques. We, of course had a 'wealth' of things to talk about and share together, whereas the only thing I shared with the show-off was a long-distant memory of unhappy school days which I would much rather forget.Best wishesBill
Nov 25, 2014
PHIL LIVERPOOL : Loved this poem mate, I am new to this site but as soon as I read this It rang true to me.I have had my ileostomy for 20 years and it makes me sad when I think of all those people who I thought were friends and have just passed out of my life and left me pretty much alone but I know they were never friends at all, as sad as it may be.
Nov 25, 2014
Bill : Hello Phil. Thanks for the supportive comments on the rhyming verse, these are always appreciated. It is a bit saddening to think that what seemed like permanent friendships gradually become somewhat transient. Leaving us with the feeling that perhaps they were not rue friendships at all. Unfortunately we seem to live in a world that encourages self-centredness and impermanence as somehow desirable so lots of people on on their own missions to discard what might have been for what might be in the future. Personally I thing that there is a lot of sense in the old sayings such as 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush' and 'Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater' etc.Many moons ago I too used to be able to run long-distances - unfortunately age creeps up on us all and I am no longer able to keep up with such activities. What you describe as sadness is a feeling that tends to come with many of life's losses. The older you get the more they seem to pile up. Perhaps we should just enjoy those good experiences whilst they are there and then commit them to memory without the baggage of them sometimes being messed up towards the end.Best wishes Bil
Nov 25, 2014
PHIL LIVERPOOL : Hi Bill,Lot of truth in what you say, I was also a long distance runner and am still trying but it is getting harder by the day, too much discomfort. Unfortunately I think all the years of running was keeping me sane because of the natural high and now along with a few other things as well as not running so much I feel low. My problem is those experiences I have committed to memory are what is bringing me down, totally irrational I know. Regards, Phil
Nov 25, 2014
Bill : Hello Phil. Feeling low is an emotional response. The key point about emotions is that in the main they are irrational! If they were anything other than irrational they would be called something different like 'logic' or 'thinking'. For many people emotions have never really been under their control, they feel them, and act upon them instantaneously, often in an impulsive and sometimes a compulsive way. Emotions are an energy force and, like any other form of energy, it can be 'dangerous' if it's not controlled. Long-distance running can be a technique of controlling emotions as well as getting physical exercise. If this avenue is now closing to you it might be a wise move to find an alternative technique. There are a whole variety of 'distraction' techniques that are quite effective but I prefer to face the 'problem' literally head-on and practice controlling every emotion as and when it emerges. I also believe that this type of energy has a way of keeping itself in a 'natural' balance. Therefore I try not to pursue what others call 'happiness' because it often tends to be associated with a 'high' in emotion which is then counterbalanced by a following 'low'. I prefer to seek 'contentment' which is what I call emotional 'flat-lining' (neither high nor low). I you are feeling low because of 'happy' memories then the chances are it is not the actual memories that are dragging you down but the feeling of loss that accompanies those memories. This is very similar to the effects of 'bereavement' in other circumstances. Sometimes people need space to grieve at what what they have lost. However, if this grieving goes on for too long and becomes morbid it usually carries the label of 'depression' and those people should perhaps think of getting professional help. I'm not in favour of drugs except in extreme cases but what they call the 'talking-cure' can go a long way to helping people keep their heads above the waves of emotion that might otherwise take them under. I hope you are able to begin to manage these emotions and take control in the near future.Best wishesBill
Nov 26, 2014
Bill : Hello cutycall. Thanks for the lovely comment - I do have a few more poems that have not yet seen the light of day on this site but I'm trying to slow down the rate of flow so that they will last a bit longer.Best wishesBill
Dec 19, 2014
mooza : awww Bill your spot on my dog loves me esp when he gets a walk lol but human friends is a wonderful thing to having been through hell and still being alive i see what yes former friend have ben like screw them make room 4 me buddy x x x x
Dec 20, 2014
Bill : Hello mooza. It's always great to read your comments so thank you for taking the time to reply to this verse. I like to hear you love your dog -- that might be worth a separate blog.Best wishes Bill
Dec 28, 2014
Bill : Hello octobersunrise. Thank you so much for your post as it makes my efforts in the arena of emotional control seem that much more worthwhile when someone appears to benefit. You are to be congratulated on the 'exercises' you have done as they are all what I would call 'distraction' techniques. That is they take your mind away from the potentially harmful emotions and channel them into something more positive. You have also described another very useful phenomenon which helps in emotional control -- that is that you found 'contentment'. People nowadays are encouraged to search for a very elusive emotion they call 'happiness'. It is my belief that this pursuit is encouraged by the vested interests of commercialism where people are led to think they can buy happiness by way of acquiring materialistic things. Invariably what happens is that this type of happiness is short-lived and they then have to chase it more and more in order to achieve the same transitory levels of elation. It's a bit like any other drug-habit in that respect. Whereas 'contentment' is just that. This inner-state can fairly easily be maintained without having to spend money or chase someone else's concept of a 'good' life. As for the 'black-hole' of depression, this is an interesting concept that has been used many times in graphically similar ways.'slippery-slope' - 'precipice' - 'whirlpool' etc. In almost all of these concepts there is a notion of being 'on the edge' just before being sucked into the hole. People actually know they are on the edge and yet still take that extra step to get themselves into the hole. This seems to me to be equivalent to emotional- suicide and I usually point out that if folks can take control at that point of being on the edge then they can simply turn away and take a different emotional route and leave the hole for someone else to step into if they so wish. When you say that you will be looking for new friends in the coming year this is a great example of taking an alternative route away from those things that might otherwise entice you towards depressive circumstances and relationships. My 'theory about emotions'(for what it's worth) is that they are really 'instincts' which are unlearned, impulsive, compulsive. They were very useful in primitive and more 'natural' times when to act on instincts often meant you stayed alive. In modern societies where almost everything is artificial those primitive instincts can often be inappropriate and need to be controlled in artificial ways. The artificial counter-balance/antidote to emotion is what we now call 'thinking' or logic. Unfortunately, in a commercial world, the powers that be are not too keen on people thinking for themselves or being 'contented' so educationally they are not likely to be teaching young people 'how' to think for themselves, but prefer to teach them 'what' to think in term of what they are 'told'. It therefore does not surprise me how many people do not think for themselves and allow themselves to be guided by others both in their thinking and their emotions.As this field of study has been my lifetime's work I could go on about it forever! so I'll curtail my enthusiasm here and simply say that controlling your emotions is a skill that can be learned just like any other skill. Once you have mastered it the modern world becomes a much more acceptable place to live. Largely, if you're like me, you'll tend to opt out of most of the commercial crap. Best wishes Bill
Dec 29, 2014
Bill : Hello octobersunrise. I'm with you all the way in everything you say. so many children do not care until their parents are not there - They just want to live their lives until their judgment day arrives without heeding the good advice from parents who want to be nice. Best wishes Bill.


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