Why Do People Have To Ask That Sex Question?

Posted by DH

on 10/16/12

I have had several people ask if my ostomy affects my sex life? What they are really asking is does wearing a sh!t bag turn your husband off? I guess it's normal curiosity. But I feel like telling them it's none of their buisness. Of course the answer is no.

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Comments:

Mrs.A : When people get to curious, sometimes I tell them that it's personal and I do not find it necessary for them to know such details. But if they are really interested I suggest that they go online and see what they find out. Next time I see them and ask what they learned, they usually say oh, I didn't look into it. So that tells me, yeah, they don't really want to know.

dcrazy : Hey DH, well for me it's not a significant other that I get asked, I am single...I really don't get those type of q's. However, ppl that dated or talk to...might ask something suggestive about the surgery if they find out or know. However, at that point I usually have built a connection or some established comfort to answer in a vague way. Kinda how I just answered this question..lol. However, I would view it as a little rude, or beyond curious. I mean if I seen someone in a wheelchair, I wouldn't ask them...Hey, uh...so..did you get injured in the lumbar, or the thoracic of the spine. I kinda wanted to know if it effects your uh ehmmm life. I would take it as rude...unless I really knew the person and they were just naturally curious. I know people like that...actually you know what, as I am typing I was kind of asked by a friend's mother. I took it as rude and beyond curious..needless to say didn't make me feel the best. To your last sentence, you can find away around things if the other knows. Sometimes I don't even tell the person and they overtime figure it out, but hardly discussed...idk maybe my personality or demeanor.

Bill : Hello DH.This sounds like a great post for some shitty,witty retorts. Here's one that immediately springs to mind. 'If a little thing like a shit-bag puts people off, then those people are probably recognising that bit of themselves as being shitbags'. Best wishes Bill.

Bill : The last post was my immediate, instinctive retort. Perhaps a more considered, and maybe more appropriate response, would be to use the technique that politicians tend to use with awkward questions. That is to answer the question with a question of your own. Here are some I thought of during the day: (1) 'Is that how 'you' would be?'; (2) 'What do 'you' think they feel?; (3)'What effect would it have on 'you?'; (4)'What sort of person would let that affect them?' As dcrazy says, it depends upon who is asking. With certain people I might choose a jokey option such as 'If it ever posed a problem I would offer to take the bag off!' or ' It's a bit like doing it with your socks on - for some it's a turn-off, for others it's a turn-on.' The point is that people who ask these sorts of questions are probably prompted by some motivation deep inside themselves which indicate that 'they' would have difficulties coming to terms with this condition. In which case perhaps they need educating into just how discriminatory and judgemental the question appears to be. Alternatively, they might simply be nosy about your love-life. In which case you have choices as to whether you tell them the truth, or make stuff up, or Point out that what goes on in your love-life is a private matter. ( I did put private 'affair'but this might give the wrong impression!) Anyway the latter is a polite way of telling them to mind their own business.Best wishes Bill.

Pinky : I wish people would ask me the SEX question! Guess I look too old! ;D

czeshirecat : Pinky, you made me laugh out loud with your answer xoxox

Sophie96 : Ive never been asked this but i can understand that people would be curious! It just varies between people i think, if your partner really loves you they would learn to accept it.I had more problems with it then my partner! x

mooza : hahaha !! 10 points DH

ostomybagBomber : My favourite ones are: 1) when I first had my surgery,12 years ago when I was with my ex Is Shane still with you? ..yes, we just got engaged....AWE he must be a REALLY GREAT GUY.......(to be with someone like me?)2) ...is that why you're still single??NO, I'm still single for the same reason YOU're still single!!! Dickwad.2

Past Member: Well when I am asked about if it affects my sex life I just tell them to get to know me an find out first hand lol.No one has but at least it stopped them from asking me again.I am human an no it hasn't affected mine,but I do feel less human sometimes.

dcrazy : @sngldad, I concure with how ya feel sometimes.

Past Member: Yeah I know what ya mean dcrazy.

tony121 : just put a big band aid and do your thing i never had a problem and i have had it for 12 years. i think sex is fun but never had sex with another ostomate i am a man and love to have sex feel free to e mail me at steventyler121@yahoo.com

Primeboy : Here's another way to look at this situation. I think it takes guts or a lot of nerve to ask such a question as this. Sure, it sounds way out-of bounds; but, why would a true friend risk asking such an obviously impertinent question. Perhaps if the friendship is genuine,it can't be just a matter of idle curiosity or amusement. Maybe it's a desire for honest and open sharing. Trust your gut instincts, but always consider the source. PB

DJK1983 : My recent post on Facebook: Many people have asked me about sex since I received my ileostomy. While I think it's kind of funny, it seems fair that people are curious. So here I am to answer.Having sex with a bag is the same as having sex without one. Men and women with a bag can perform exactly like anyone else. It's similar to having sex with a cast on. It might get in the way a bit, but it's not something that should eliminate sex. If you wouldn't have sex with someone with a cast, you're an *******. I figure it's about the same for someone with a bag. ;)A thin woman recently said to me, Oh my God. I can't imagine how self-conscious you must be. I mean, I've gained weight, and I don't want to have sex. That got me to thinking. I've never been skinny at any point in my life. I have never been in a situation where I thought to myself, I'm going to wow her with my stomach! My stomach has never been, nor will it ever be, a girl-getter. Whose stomach really is though, unless you're The Situation...? My point is, everybody has insecurities with their bodies, and this is just another.My mother will probably be mad at me for writing this, but I want to answer the questions. If we don't talk about it, how will we ever know?

Past Member: I never tell strangers that i have an Ileostomy, I'm not in the mood to explain it to them or have them look at me funny my family knows enough not to bring up the subject.

Past Member: Hi DH, I've not been on here for some time but I've just read your posting and although I didn't really get asked about the sex question by people I had to respond because my partner went completely off me! He couldn't even look at my stoma supplies nor my books despite me trying... I had an emergency ileostomy in July 2011 which saved my life. My partner from day one said I'm going nowhere near you. (This is where I agree with Bill's response)....So I spent nearly 8 mnths with two stoma bags and an open wound.. until my much needed reversal and gall bladder removal in Feb 2012 after I collapsed at home after losing two stone in weight and suffering with very low blood pressure etc.I sat my partner down many times whilst I had my stoma and asked him why he is so distant? Never got a decent response but for 'you know I love you'.... I thought things would change once my reversal was done but.. you guessed it.. he's still distant and getting worse!I feel as though I have gone through everything alone and continue to do so. We share a bed but that's it... he is inches away from me but won't come near me and continues to sit across the room from me during the day. This guy was my life, my love, very affectionate originally. Strange how people change.I'm just trying to get on with my life now awaiting a much needed correction for my very large abdominal (incisional) hernia which was created after my last op... If I ever get a job again to be financially free then I'm out of here.Good luck with your reversal hon. It's the best thing I ever did. Let me know how your hernia correction goes.regardsDee xx

Sophie96 : Wow Dee, so sorry to hear about how your partner acted, i think that is awful! I very much expected my partner to do the same as we're only 20 but he hasnt, hes been the opposite and is still as loving as hes always been. I hope everything works out good for you and you get your hernia op done soon! Im also waiting for another op and its very frustrating! x

Past Member: thanks Sophie for your comment, I wish you luck and hope things continue support wise.... (I think the end of my post Id mixed DH's message up with another re their hernia op etc)... I tried to get my partner involved once I was awake... I was in a coma for nearly 8 days and they were going to turn the machines off... I came through and was told he had been unconsolable but he's never shown emotions to me since then!.... My life is unbearable at the moment, can't get a job and so on... I'm now pushing for my hernia correction to be done asap, I can't wait any longer.... I'm so down, but I had wonderful support on here last year and I know my support will continue with my ostomate's :-) my love to all. xxxx

Sophie96 : Wow 8 days! I was out for one day and even that scares the hell out of me when i think about it! I cant work atm either because im waiting for an op, its very frustrating and its like your life is on hold! Just try and stay strong, it will all be over eventually!!! x

kbd : I think I would say:You know, it's amazing how my penis still works with an ostomy.If they say:It's not appropriate to say that.I would say:And it's not appropriate to ask such personal questions.

ostomybagBomber : Haha!! Good one!!! I'm going to use that only I'll say since the surgery I've been having 45 minute orgasms.

vikinga : Love those last answers! hahahaha. I have been very open with friends and neighbours about what happened to me. As yet no sex questions. I only got out of the hospital last June 28th after a 6 month stay and two surgeries. BUT...now I am dating a wonderful man that reacted to my news as That's life...I'm interested in you for who you are YES!!! (Happy dance!)

ostomybagBomber : Lucky!!

dentalguy22 : yes yes.....some peoples kids!! I got hit with those questions when my friends found out I was seeing someone, who is an ostomate as well. first came the our you serious? look from me... and of course the thousand ways to answer that question go running across my mind, and as I'm pondering which answer to give them, they ramp it up a notch by saying don't those BAGS get in the way!? which upon hearing that comment my left eye begins to twitch,,,, now,,, those here that know me are thinking oh no!!! here it comes!! buuuuttt no...I just smile and say to them belts.... my friends look at me funny WTF? we have custom made belts that keep our bags out of the way... oh they say, they to were waiting for some off the left field wall response from me.. and as we continue our conversation on a different topic I hit em with it! but of course we don't ALWAYS have the time to put our belts on! no-no... so in the heat of passion, if those darn BAGS get in our way! hell!!!.. we just pull em off stick em on the wall till we are done!! yes fool!! OSTIES can get there FREAK on just like you NORMAL people!! **sigh** lol and you thought I wasn't going there.....please!!!

Bill : Hello DH. Good post! The more one thinks about the question the more answers spring to mind. How about-'An ostomy bag can be likened to other people's baggage; The more shit it contains the off-putting it might be!' Best wishes. Bill

Bill : Hello DH.This is such a great concept I couldn't resist having a stab at a pertinent verse. Thanks for the stimulation and motivation that this post provides. (See separate blog)Best wishesBill

christiesdad : If sex with the bag is a pain...............then you are doing it wrong. heh, heh.

gutenberg : I've run into a few people who said they'd rather be dead than have to go through life like that and I just love to give them the line if they ever have trouble like us just make sure you give it a little thought. We've gone through a lot of shit to stay alive and if life means so little to you, go for it. Mind you I'm leaving out a lot of foul language here but I'm sure you all get the point, Ed

vikinga : Well Ed, when they say they would rather be dead.....just say...that is EXACTLY what you would be. I chose life! That oughta give them food for thought. Lisbett

Past Member: My mother was a nurse for over 40 years. I remember when she had to have surgery for diverticulitus. She told me that she just hoped and prayed she wouldn't need a colostomy. She didn't at 77 years old, and enjoyed 8 years of the good life. But her daughter had her colostomy at age 62. I think that wherever she is, she knows that I'm doing well. Thanks to improvement in today's care and ostomy supplies, we Osties can do just fine. You newbys hang in there! Remember that Bob Hope was an ostomate for over 40 years. Back then who knows what an ostomate had to use...rubber gloves tin cans taped over their stomas?

moonshine : its not the bag that causes trouble, its the disease that caused the bag that also affects my girlie part...ie....narrowing

3tooz : I'd tell em' I wouldn't ,know. I haven had it 10'yrs before I had to wear a osteomy pouch

Past Member: The issue is that ostomates,just like everyone else, have libidos too. When asked when did you last have sex, I always comment, Oh about 4 hours ago. ;-D

Past Member: can you have sex with your ostomy?

Bill : Hello 2nd life. The question you pose appears to have two very distinct meanings. The first (rephrased) is the obvious one can you have sex if you have an ostomy? I think the replies here indicate a resounding yes - as long as you have a willing partner. The second meaning appears to be asking if you can have sex via the ostomy. The mind boggles as to why anyone would want to do this but I suppose anything is possible even if it seems a tad abhorrent and is likely to lead to all sorts of complications. Best wishes Bill

vikinga : Ooooo Bill....sorry but GROSS and weird, not to mention dangerous!2nd life, please don't dispair. Focus on being grateful for anything end everything that is good in your life...after all...you are ALIVE!! That is what I have done and a wonderful person is in my life now that looks beyond the whole Ostomy thing and told me that who he is interested is ME! Love starts with yourself. Be kind and loving towards yourself and you will naturally be attracted and attract those that will reflect that back to you.

vikinga : OOps...sorry...meant to say ...AND not end in that last post.

Bill : Hello vikinga. I agree with you - gross and weird. Perhaps I should not have posted this comment. Maybe DH can delete it for us.Best wishes Bill

mooza : coz we want sum jiggy jiggy ans if your on your own its strange if osty showing . moooza

Past Member: So, some jiggy jiggy? There are cute little covers for your pouch. So get one and enjoy yourself Mooza! (;-D

cwindebary : I was just reading redhairgirl and had no idea that Bob Hope had a colostomy . I've had mine for 3 1/2 yrs and my husband was very ill so I've not had the reason to have sex and have wondered if it was possible with the scar tissue due to radiation?

Past Member: Vikinga X.. Thank you so much for you words of encouragement!! It's just shocking to see they have ppl on here with colostomys that still harbor prejudices and judgement on others. I was taught as a young child that no question was stupid and I really had no where else to turn. Update- my partner is back and we are working on some issues besides my colostomy. Thank u for not judging me for those that haven't. Gay ppl are ppl too with feelings I'm sorry for anyone that I may have offended.

Past Member: Vikinga X is what I meant to say..

Fargy : well my wife left me and it was because after almost 8 hours of wrestling with my innards I am sexually dysfuncianal! But I am alive and still have lots of platonic ladyfriends! Life is good!

vikinga : You know Fargy, it might have been the wrong woman. Have you tried getting your hormones checked. Your age tells me that you are definately in Andropause and that can be resolved (with many health benefits!) with Bio-identical hormones. Don't touch the other synthetic kind!

Past Member: I'd like to recommend a book, It's in the Bag, and Under the Covers. I'm sorry, but I forgot the author's name. It's full of interesting stories regarding ostomates sex lives. My ostomy support group passed the book around, so many of us read it for laughs as well as technical info.;-D I saw the book advertised on an ostomate website.

cee : I have to say...what a question!! Only matched by my mother-in-law who has asked me twice, as i am about to get into her condo pool Can you swim in a pool with the bag? because they don't let kids with swim diapers in the pool. Really?! No, I plan to let my excrement fly through the cool blue water. The nerve of people.

Past Member: cee, I've been doing water aerobics for 30 years, 11 as an ostomate. When I joined my support group, a water aertobics member, whose husband is the ostomate,told me that she was sooooo suprised to see me at the meetings. I felt the need to justify myself, which I did, explaining how there was no additional risk to having me in the pool. I should have let fly with your humorous retort! ;-D Thanks cee!

Sophie96 : Hi redhairedgirl i was wondering if you would know where i could get that book from as id be very interested in reading it. Im in the uk not us and im having some difficulty locating it! Thanks Sophie

Past Member: Sophie, I'll get the author's name at my osteo support meeting after the holidays. But I'm sure I saw the book advertised on Convatec or Hollister's website. Sorry I'm not more helpful. :-( But I'll keep trying!

vikinga : OK....thought it would dawn on you without my having to say this....but (clearing throat) if you look you will see that book advertised at the top of some of the pages on THIS website.

Past Member: Hmmmmmm, I can't find it. But then, I'm technically challenged! Where do I look?

Past Member: Okay, somehow I did find THAT book at the top of the page. Good grief Charlie Brown! Sophie probably saw it before vikinga pointed it out. ;-D

Fargy : To the last two ladies Vikinga and red haired lady--- thanks and your are right best without her!

Past Member: http://www.amazon.com/Its-Under-Covers-Brenda-El sagher/dp/1936953137so there ya go. a link to buy it, the authors name and an isbn number if you wanna try to find it somewhere elsehope that helped!

Past Member: ah crud, the site added my words together lol here is the link without words added in http://www.amazon.com/Its-Under-Covers-Brenda-Elsagher/dp/1936953137

Cattypex : OK, so people just don't ask me that since I had a surprise kid (ha!). But really, people get the goofiest ideas. Loving these responses. And actually, I got engaged AFTER my surgery. My husband just doesn't care, period. He really likes the fact that I'm alive and stuff.

kauaiclyde : I often wonder what it would be like to have sex {make love} again - it has been a while {6 yrs.} I have the double whammy, though. I was paralyzed by an abscess on my spinal chord. Then I was in a care facility - learning to walk again. Not far, but up on my own two legs. Then I got ill and sat outside on the patio where I was forgotten about for 36 hrs. Pneumonia-bad 104 temp., almost died when a staff member came back on after days off and saw me wearing same clothes, sitting in same spot in my wheelchair. Blood coagulated in my butt and they had to carve out two lg. grapefruit sized chunks out of each cheek. On my deathbed for several weeks. Woke up to a colostomy bag. Did not know what it was for until they explained it to me. They put in a super-pubic catheter also. Docs said the processes were reversible. After time I wanted them reversed and docs said it had been too long and couldn't do it. Now my life is back in a wheelchair, but almost on crutches. Sex life? I have lost it all. I doubt I can find someone unless she has comparable problems and understands. I feel so shot down and embarrassed and the most important thing in my life was hopefully finding someone special and having a chance at falling in love {never been} and being close to that someone special. From a doing-quite-well Realtor to living in a care facility. That old 'well at least you're still alive'does not make me feel much better at times. Waiting to move and worried about how I am going to handle flying 6 hrs. from Hawaii to Oregon with a bag. I fear for life now, because my friends deserted me and I have no family. Greatest fear is to never kiss a woman again, to hold someone in front of a fire and fall asleep in each others arms - to never make love again - these are the fears I live with daily. I read these comments and think to myself, Wish it was ONLY a colostomy bag to deal with. So if you have only a bag on, you should be thankful that it is not worse. My life was destroyed, and I feel alone and lost and may never have the things I wanted in life. Sometimes it's hard to be tough. So sex with a bag? Go for it, 'cause it is not that big of a deal when you visualize the other things that could be.

Pilgrim 0074Him : And you go for it too Bud. Thank you for sharing your struggle with us, your family of fellow sufferers. Your trial has been terribly rough, But you are still willing to reach out and encourage others- wow Bro! God bless.

timoth514 : I have various reactions to my ostomy from women. I had a freind make advancs to me and I was so starved for intimacy that I didn't know how to apprroach the subject. To make a long story short; Make sure they know before hand because a scream before sex is not a turn on.

Past Member: Kauai boy, Pilgrim, Timoth,I ended a 6 year relationship, not because of my ostomy (he never kne, we didn't sleep together)but because it was a long distance relationship and he wanted more than being together 3-4 times a year. He did want an intimate relationship with me, but I begged off by telling him, With your high blood pressure, sleeping with me would be lethal. We had reconnected after 50 years (!) when I found his phone # and called him. We enjoyed each other's company and did lots of hand holding, and good orgasmic kissing. So, KauaiBoy, don't give up on yourself. You sound like a sweet, loving man. Keep on pursuing your dreams of that fireplace scenario and it will happen. And Tim, you're right about the scream...unless it involves handcuffs. ;-D

Tahoma : I have to add my story: I've had three ostomies since 2005, now a permanent colostomy. Got myself a divorce about 3 years ago, was a bit worried about how men would react. Well, the answer has been: they pretty much don't (even Americans who I thought would be more superficial than Europeans; sorry). I've had one-night-stands, dated, now have a boyfriend. No-one has screamed, ran away or cursed me (to my knowledge). Of course, I haven't heard from some people afterwards, but that sort of thing is a given in the dating world - happens to my friends without a convenient excuse just as well. In the beginning I would tell beforehand but after I noticed that most guys don't give a crap (pun intended) I mostly stopped and made it a non-issue. I tell about it if it comes up and I don't try to cover it during sex. With my current boyfriend I did just that, told him afterwards in the morning and he said ok. That's it. Never bothered him the slightest. He's 8 years younger than me but he thinks that I'm hot, pouch or no pouch :). And there are lots of guys like that, young and old. I'm not saying it's all about the attitude but a lot of it is. If you go around thinking you're not worth it and that the ostomy is horrible, people will think so. You're the one who knows you the best and most people have absolutely no idea what an ostomy is. Smile, be open to new people and things, get out of your comfort zone, don't let the ostomy define you, be proud of what you have gone through and don't use the ostomy as an excuse.

Fargy : Beautifully said!!

Ileogirl : I am THOROUGHLY confused. Please help me clarify things. First of all, how can we not be at risk in pool? My zippy leaks all the time. A constant struggle. I do not bathe, or go to pools. Who wants to sit in poo? Or infect others? I was attacked by c diff, woke up from several months of coma, the bride of Frankenstein.My problem is that my ileo is much higher than where it should be...and nearly every kind of clothing constricts or binds it. Or now, retracts or protracted, which is painful,and causes the flange to lift off like water under tile. The movement of abdomen aggravates and breaks the glue bond quicker, they tell me. And I cannot tie my shoes...bend over, pushes on stoma. Riding a bike, running, leak. Hot steam. Or humid, leak. Pickup anything that strains abs, like a case of food, or 40 pounds of potatoes ( I USED to be a chef) leak. I am not seeing adult activity, basic life is a challenge.I know this sounds whiny. Let me tell you, I have had CML for 13 years, off and on 3 rounds of experimental meds that have numbers for names. I worked in Europe,and Chicago, and cared for two sets of grandparents aging, and my family...and most people never knew how sick I was. Cancer never impeded my life. But Zelda Zippy has completely derailed me.I woke up to tubes 88 pounds. They said you might die yet. And I said we'll, we will see. All the info was don't eat this A,and then z said its okay. Doctor said no idea really. So I ate, and stretched...I have a 12 inch scar, cut stem to stern. I had to relearn to walk, get off the drugs. Fought to go home. Fired the visiting nurse, the second the final gap closed. Taught myself to walk, weaned myself from the morphine when they would not. And finally, rejected the idea of disability. Drove a 26 foot truck, a car trailer, and 3 kitties from NM to Notre Dame. Talked my way into a job... And it has all fallen to the mud. Pantyhose required for work with skirts, caused illness and leaks. She sits too high and waistbands rub. Forget jeans, instant leak. Or chefs pants. Heat, humidity,dehydrate, dizzy,pass out, nauseous. Cancer never did this. Puke, floss. Brush. Move on. Rest a bit, move on. I did what I wanted. but ileo? It has ruined my lifeThank you for listening.

Past Member: Dear Eleogirl,I'm so sorry to read your story and learn of your difficulties. I don't know how I could stay healthy w/o being able to do my water aerobics. I use convatec with disposable pouch and have never had a problem these last 11 years. I exercise in the morning, am careful not to overeat, and make sure I'm sealed up tight with that waterproof tape for my self assurance. I am hoping the best for you, dear girl. Do check with your ostomy nurse/provider to see if there's something better for you.

Ileogirl : Hi there! Like you, Convatec is good for me...Hollister is definitely NOT. The best guess is the glue is different...I am allergic to latex and glue in many bandages...of course I am! And also, as a chef, I have keen sense of smell...and something about the plastic they use and bike equals OFFENSIVE to me! My ileo suboptimally place. I needs to be over and down about an inch, and then all would be normal,and good. And, when this happened, outside of the current medical issue, I was healthy, with ROCK solid muscles and abs...it made the sewing up very difficult for them...no extra fat and skin to stretch a bit, and sewing through really strong muscle.Thank you for the note. Honestly, once done typing this, I have to load 3 sets of sheets, my comforter, three mattress pads, 4 pairs of pjs, 6 towels, socks, soaking in Dreft and hydrogen peroxide, and go to the laundry...as the comforter does not fit in my washer. From 2am until 3pm next day, I waited for retracted ileo in cold tub, but Incrank the heat to 90 and have radio on! Finally clean up, new flange, go about business, within an hour LEAK. I do not know how you do it for years....and the worst is that before this, I took a bath every day, and when life was bumpy, retreated to hot bubbles, book. My tub is now a giant soaking vat for icky clothes and bedding. Giggle.Hope your weekend is relaxing. Happy swimming!

vikinga : Hi Ileogirl! Like you my ileostomy is not in an optimal place. Not on the waistline (that sucks!) but between my pubes and where my navel used to be. Very inconvenient, but hey, I'm still alive. That is my SECOND ostomy site. The first one that stopped working and perforated was in the usual side location, but woke up from the second surgery to my new appendage Sometimes I feel like I am growing balls..lol.....As for your appliance dilema, have you tried using a convex version? Works much better for me. I had a lots of leaks in the beginning too. One day while still in the hospital, they had to redo it 7 times!!! We were all ready to throw a crying fit! But we all learn to become our own best advocate. I started really paying attention and discovered that they were using baby wipes to clean me up. DUH???!!! Baby wipes have moisterizing lotion. No wonder they wouldn't stick for long!!! Once that was addressed, and only water was used to clean with, and the area well dried, bags would stay. I use Convatec, Nu-Hope or to be more discreet Marlen....all CONVEX and precut...with paste in needed areas to fill in and bean seals (they are bean shaped breathable tape strips) to help keep things in place for added peace of mind. I now have a boyfriend who is so understanding it blows my mind. And strangely, I have less blowouts....maybe because his acceptance has helped me accept it better myself and not have my mind on it all the time.By the way, I had to learn to walk 3 times during my 6 month hospital tourMy question to you is....Have you tried talking to your surgeon or another one about relocating your stoma to a better and more practical location? One thing I became very aware of during this whole life changing experience....I can either choose to practice gratitude for alllll the good in my life (including my LIFE!) and focus on that and be happy or waste my energy on all that I have lost and who does that help???? Sure, I have my moments...but hey...Life is good!!Big hug to you!!!

Fargy : Nicely said!!

Ileogirl : They said the current stoma works well and be happy alive. If I had insurance, money, no problem...knit away. But as I have no family, no money,and no job now....hard to do. I want to go back to work!Surgeon today though said you have been through ringer and I am very proud of you. You deserve a chance to try reversal. I just got approved for Medicaid, but SSI turned me down twice, so attorney. But maybe, surgery will work! Who needs disability!

Ileogirl : Kuiaclyde. YOU ARE A ROCK STAR. HUGS AND PRAYERS FOR YOU

little1 : Hi everyone, the SEX thing is a bit scary, I've been a ostie for nearly 13 years, recently separated but nothing to do with the bag we just grew apart, my ex husband was very supportive and the bag never bothered him at all...I may have a potential new love interest with someone I knew very well before my surgery 18 years ago he remembers me as I was then he does not know how I am now, not sure how to tell him...any suggestions

little1 : Oh by the way I to have read It's in The Bag and Under the Covers...great read I would recommend it to everyone.

vikinga : Hi little1. I would wait until it becomes apparent that you are both interested in taking it further. Take your time to get to know each other again. Then gently bring up the topic that some things have changed for you and what happened to you 13 years ago. I am now heavily involved with someone that took it all in stride when I told him. He simply said That's life. His wife died of breast cancer 19 months ago and he saw her through all that that entailed. As we get older I think we learn that perfect is exactly who we are. :)

little1 : Thank VikingaHe knows that I was very sick several years ago and he said you will tell me about it when your ready I hope he too will take it in his stride and your right perfect is exactly who we are :) its great being able to share things with people who understand, its taken me thirteen years to do it tho !!! :))

Past Member: I'll let you know how it goes with my newest guy. He's 8 years younger than I, but I did tell him that my libido hasn't changed since I was 16. We really like each other and I know he would like a intimate relationship. Unlike my last one of 5 years who never knew about me because I wasn't physically attracted to him, this one is different. Yeah, I know this older woman will have to let him know, and I will do so when the time is right. He's very intelligent, well educated, well traveled, and compassionate. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

Past Member: You youngsters, keep on keeping on. Life is to be enjoyed and relationships are to be savored. If one doesn't work out, according to my 3 daughters, There are many fine guys out there, no matter the age, Mom.

blueonthetyne : whats it like....ya know wink wink, they ask.....to find a love and make it last.....I reply to whats ya name....actually its just the same.....we touch and laugh..... cuddle and kiss.....love has no prejudice.....the starts the same.....the middle to.....at the end no smell of poo.....loves a game....for all to play....this bags not in the way.....

Past Member: Hi folks, not been online for some time but still get some of the responses to this thread. Update: As you know I was struggling with partner after my ileostomy, let alone my reversal and ended up with a huge incisional hernia the length of my abdomen... Things just got worse and I was forced out of home in Dec2012 after I found he'd been having an affair amongst other things! I was homeless, penniless it was deep in winter and was forced to pack a bag and my friends took me in, then I ended up in a refuge. Two years later I still have my enormous hernia but am finally settled in my own place, well enough in body and mind to ask about whether or not it can be done. I love living alone again and at least am back with friends who care about me. Not sure if hernia can be done we'll just have to wait and see, I look 6 months pregnant and my clothes don't fit but so what... I'm alive and happy.... After collapsing at hospital recently I've had various multitudes of tests and found I now have an hiatus hernia also - which makes sense of some symptoms over the last few years - so here's hoping.... If I do go for hernia reversal it's 50/50 as to not only if it works but if I come through it after my last operation history.I'll keep you updated... so my love to all my friends on here. xxxxxxxxxx

Past Member: Ps... I'm now in a new relationship and he doesn't care about the hernia :-) xx

MissRubydoux : I am new to this site and my partner is working out of state so we haven't seen each other since I had the colostomy. He's coming home in two weeks and I have questions about how and what you do about the colostomy when you are intimate?

Mrs.A : MissRubysoux, There are very pretty ostomy wraps you cam wear to cover your appliance so it doesn't get in the way.

Mykxman : The five doses of Radiotherapy prior to the surgery followed by the surgery have destroyed any response as far as a normal reaction . I am male and feeling quite numb and lost with this .

Bagface : DH- A good reply to the sex or other thoughtless questions is:"What did you say." And when they repeat the question, you could say,"That's what I thought you said!"