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Why Do People Have To Ask That Sex Question?

Posted by DH

I have had several people ask if my ostomy affects my sex life? What they are really asking is does wearing a sh!t bag turn your husband off? I guess it's normal curiosity. But I feel like telling them it's none of their buisness. Of course the answer is no.

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Comments:
Oct 16, 2012
Mrs.A : When people get to curious, sometimes I tell them that it's personal and I do not find it necessary for them to know such details. But if they are really interested I suggest that they go online and see what they find out. Next time I see them and ask what they learned, they usually say oh, I didn't look into it. So that tells me, yeah, they don't really want to know.
Oct 17, 2012
dcrazy : Hey DH, well for me it's not a significant other that I get asked, I am single...I really don't get those type of q's. However, ppl that dated or talk to...might ask something suggestive about the surgery if they find out or know. However, at that point I usually have built a connection or some established comfort to answer in a vague way. Kinda how I just answered this question..lol. However, I would view it as a little rude, or beyond curious. I mean if I seen someone in a wheelchair, I wouldn't ask them...Hey, uh...so..did you get injured in the lumbar, or the thoracic of the spine. I kinda wanted to know if it effects your uh ehmmm life. I would take it as rude...unless I really knew the person and they were just naturally curious. I know people like that...actually you know what, as I am typing I was kind of asked by a friend's mother. I took it as rude and beyond curious..needless to say didn't make me feel the best. To your last sentence, you can find away around things if the other knows. Sometimes I don't even tell the person and they overtime figure it out, but hardly discussed...idk maybe my personality or demeanor.
Oct 17, 2012
Bill : Hello DH.This sounds like a great post for some shitty,witty retorts. Here's one that immediately springs to mind. 'If a little thing like a shit-bag puts people off, then those people are probably recognising that bit of themselves as being shitbags'. Best wishes Bill.
Oct 17, 2012
Bill : The last post was my immediate, instinctive retort. Perhaps a more considered, and maybe more appropriate response, would be to use the technique that politicians tend to use with awkward questions. That is to answer the question with a question of your own. Here are some I thought of during the day: (1) 'Is that how 'you' would be?'; (2) 'What do 'you' think they feel?; (3)'What effect would it have on 'you?'; (4)'What sort of person would let that affect them?' As dcrazy says, it depends upon who is asking. With certain people I might choose a jokey option such as 'If it ever posed a problem I would offer to take the bag off!' or ' It's a bit like doing it with your socks on - for some it's a turn-off, for others it's a turn-on.' The point is that people who ask these sorts of questions are probably prompted by some motivation deep inside themselves which indicate that 'they' would have difficulties coming to terms with this condition. In which case perhaps they need educating into just how discriminatory and judgemental the question appears to be. Alternatively, they might simply be nosy about your love-life. In which case you have choices as to whether you tell them the truth, or make stuff up, or Point out that what goes on in your love-life is a private matter. ( I did put private 'affair'but this might give the wrong impression!) Anyway the latter is a polite way of telling them to mind their own business.Best wishes Bill.
Oct 17, 2012
Pinky : I wish people would ask me the SEX question! Guess I look too old! ;D
Oct 18, 2012
Sophie96 : Ive never been asked this but i can understand that people would be curious! It just varies between people i think, if your partner really loves you they would learn to accept it.I had more problems with it then my partner! x
Oct 18, 2012
mooza : hahaha !! 10 points DH
Oct 18, 2012
ostomybagBomber : My favourite ones are: 1) when I first had my surgery,12 years ago when I was with my ex Is Shane still with you? ..yes, we just got engaged....AWE he must be a REALLY GREAT GUY.......(to be with someone like me?)2) ...is that why you're still single??NO, I'm still single for the same reason YOU're still single!!! Dickwad.2
Oct 23, 2012
dcrazy : @sngldad, I concure with how ya feel sometimes.
Oct 23, 2012
tony121 : just put a big band aid and do your thing i never had a problem and i have had it for 12 years. i think sex is fun but never had sex with another ostomate i am a man and love to have sex feel free to e mail me at steventyler121@yahoo.com
Oct 23, 2012
Primeboy : Here's another way to look at this situation. I think it takes guts or a lot of nerve to ask such a question as this. Sure, it sounds way out-of bounds; but, why would a true friend risk asking such an obviously impertinent question. Perhaps if the friendship is genuine,it can't be just a matter of idle curiosity or amusement. Maybe it's a desire for honest and open sharing. Trust your gut instincts, but always consider the source. PB
Oct 24, 2012
DJK1983 : My recent post on Facebook: Many people have asked me about sex since I received my ileostomy. While I think it's kind of funny, it seems fair that people are curious. So here I am to answer.Having sex with a bag is the same as having sex without one. Men and women with a bag can perform exactly like anyone else. It's similar to having sex with a cast on. It might get in the way a bit, but it's not something that should eliminate sex. If you wouldn't have sex with someone with a cast, you're an *******. I figure it's about the same for someone with a bag. ;)A thin woman recently said to me, Oh my God. I can't imagine how self-conscious you must be. I mean, I've gained weight, and I don't want to have sex. That got me to thinking. I've never been skinny at any point in my life. I have never been in a situation where I thought to myself, I'm going to wow her with my stomach! My stomach has never been, nor will it ever be, a girl-getter. Whose stomach really is though, unless you're The Situation...? My point is, everybody has insecurities with their bodies, and this is just another.My mother will probably be mad at me for writing this, but I want to answer the questions. If we don't talk about it, how will we ever know?
Oct 24, 2012
Sophie96 : Wow Dee, so sorry to hear about how your partner acted, i think that is awful! I very much expected my partner to do the same as we're only 20 but he hasnt, hes been the opposite and is still as loving as hes always been. I hope everything works out good for you and you get your hernia op done soon! Im also waiting for another op and its very frustrating! x
Oct 24, 2012
Sophie96 : Wow 8 days! I was out for one day and even that scares the hell out of me when i think about it! I cant work atm either because im waiting for an op, its very frustrating and its like your life is on hold! Just try and stay strong, it will all be over eventually!!! x
Oct 24, 2012
kbd : I think I would say:You know, it's amazing how my penis still works with an ostomy.If they say:It's not appropriate to say that.I would say:And it's not appropriate to ask such personal questions.
Oct 24, 2012
ostomybagBomber : Haha!! Good one!!! I'm going to use that only I'll say since the surgery I've been having 45 minute orgasms.
Oct 24, 2012
vikinga : Love those last answers! hahahaha. I have been very open with friends and neighbours about what happened to me. As yet no sex questions. I only got out of the hospital last June 28th after a 6 month stay and two surgeries. BUT...now I am dating a wonderful man that reacted to my news as That's life...I'm interested in you for who you are YES!!! (Happy dance!)
Oct 24, 2012
ostomybagBomber : Lucky!!
Oct 24, 2012
dentalguy22 : yes yes.....some peoples kids!! I got hit with those questions when my friends found out I was seeing someone, who is an ostomate as well. first came the our you serious? look from me... and of course the thousand ways to answer that question go running across my mind, and as I'm pondering which answer to give them, they ramp it up a notch by saying don't those BAGS get in the way!? which upon hearing that comment my left eye begins to twitch,,,, now,,, those here that know me are thinking oh no!!! here it comes!! buuuuttt no...I just smile and say to them belts.... my friends look at me funny WTF? we have custom made belts that keep our bags out of the way... oh they say, they to were waiting for some off the left field wall response from me.. and as we continue our conversation on a different topic I hit em with it! but of course we don't ALWAYS have the time to put our belts on! no-no... so in the heat of passion, if those darn BAGS get in our way! hell!!!.. we just pull em off stick em on the wall till we are done!! yes fool!! OSTIES can get there FREAK on just like you NORMAL people!! **sigh** lol and you thought I wasn't going there.....please!!!
Oct 25, 2012
Bill : Hello DH. Good post! The more one thinks about the question the more answers spring to mind. How about-'An ostomy bag can be likened to other people's baggage; The more shit it contains the off-putting it might be!' Best wishes. Bill
Oct 25, 2012
Bill : Hello DH.This is such a great concept I couldn't resist having a stab at a pertinent verse. Thanks for the stimulation and motivation that this post provides. (See separate blog)Best wishesBill
Nov 15, 2012
christiesdad : If sex with the bag is a pain...............then you are doing it wrong. heh, heh.
Nov 15, 2012
gutenberg : I've run into a few people who said they'd rather be dead than have to go through life like that and I just love to give them the line if they ever have trouble like us just make sure you give it a little thought. We've gone through a lot of shit to stay alive and if life means so little to you, go for it. Mind you I'm leaving out a lot of foul language here but I'm sure you all get the point, Ed
Nov 15, 2012
vikinga : Well Ed, when they say they would rather be dead.....just say...that is EXACTLY what you would be. I chose life! That oughta give them food for thought. Lisbett
Nov 18, 2012
moonshine : its not the bag that causes trouble, its the disease that caused the bag that also affects my girlie part...ie....narrowing
Nov 20, 2012
3tooz : I'd tell em' I wouldn't ,know. I haven had it 10'yrs before I had to wear a osteomy pouch
Nov 23, 2012
Bill : Hello 2nd life. The question you pose appears to have two very distinct meanings. The first (rephrased) is the obvious one can you have sex if you have an ostomy? I think the replies here indicate a resounding yes - as long as you have a willing partner. The second meaning appears to be asking if you can have sex via the ostomy. The mind boggles as to why anyone would want to do this but I suppose anything is possible even if it seems a tad abhorrent and is likely to lead to all sorts of complications. Best wishes Bill
Nov 23, 2012
vikinga : Ooooo Bill....sorry but GROSS and weird, not to mention dangerous!2nd life, please don't dispair. Focus on being grateful for anything end everything that is good in your life...after all...you are ALIVE!! That is what I have done and a wonderful person is in my life now that looks beyond the whole Ostomy thing and told me that who he is interested is ME! Love starts with yourself. Be kind and loving towards yourself and you will naturally be attracted and attract those that will reflect that back to you.
Nov 23, 2012
vikinga : OOps...sorry...meant to say ...AND not end in that last post.
Nov 23, 2012
Bill : Hello vikinga. I agree with you - gross and weird. Perhaps I should not have posted this comment. Maybe DH can delete it for us.Best wishes Bill
Nov 24, 2012
mooza : coz we want sum jiggy jiggy ans if your on your own its strange if osty showing . moooza
Nov 24, 2012
cwindebary : I was just reading redhairgirl and had no idea that Bob Hope had a colostomy . I've had mine for 3 1/2 yrs and my husband was very ill so I've not had the reason to have sex and have wondered if it was possible with the scar tissue due to radiation?
Nov 26, 2012
Fargy : well my wife left me and it was because after almost 8 hours of wrestling with my innards I am sexually dysfuncianal! But I am alive and still have lots of platonic ladyfriends! Life is good!
Nov 26, 2012
vikinga : You know Fargy, it might have been the wrong woman. Have you tried getting your hormones checked. Your age tells me that you are definately in Andropause and that can be resolved (with many health benefits!) with Bio-identical hormones. Don't touch the other synthetic kind!
Nov 26, 2012
cee : I have to say...what a question!! Only matched by my mother-in-law who has asked me twice, as i am about to get into her condo pool Can you swim in a pool with the bag? because they don't let kids with swim diapers in the pool. Really?! No, I plan to let my excrement fly through the cool blue water. The nerve of people.
Nov 27, 2012
Sophie96 : Hi redhairedgirl i was wondering if you would know where i could get that book from as id be very interested in reading it. Im in the uk not us and im having some difficulty locating it! Thanks Sophie
Nov 27, 2012
vikinga : OK....thought it would dawn on you without my having to say this....but (clearing throat) if you look you will see that book advertised at the top of some of the pages on THIS website.
Nov 27, 2012
Fargy : To the last two ladies Vikinga and red haired lady--- thanks and your are right best without her!
Dec 03, 2012
Cattypex : OK, so people just don't ask me that since I had a surprise kid (ha!). But really, people get the goofiest ideas. Loving these responses. And actually, I got engaged AFTER my surgery. My husband just doesn't care, period. He really likes the fact that I'm alive and stuff.
Dec 09, 2012
kauaiclyde : I often wonder what it would be like to have sex {make love} again - it has been a while {6 yrs.} I have the double whammy, though. I was paralyzed by an abscess on my spinal chord. Then I was in a care facility - learning to walk again. Not far, but up on my own two legs. Then I got ill and sat outside on the patio where I was forgotten about for 36 hrs. Pneumonia-bad 104 temp., almost died when a staff member came back on after days off and saw me wearing same clothes, sitting in same spot in my wheelchair. Blood coagulated in my butt and they had to carve out two lg. grapefruit sized chunks out of each cheek. On my deathbed for several weeks. Woke up to a colostomy bag. Did not know what it was for until they explained it to me. They put in a super-pubic catheter also. Docs said the processes were reversible. After time I wanted them reversed and docs said it had been too long and couldn't do it. Now my life is back in a wheelchair, but almost on crutches. Sex life? I have lost it all. I doubt I can find someone unless she has comparable problems and understands. I feel so shot down and embarrassed and the most important thing in my life was hopefully finding someone special and having a chance at falling in love {never been} and being close to that someone special. From a doing-quite-well Realtor to living in a care facility. That old 'well at least you're still alive'does not make me feel much better at times. Waiting to move and worried about how I am going to handle flying 6 hrs. from Hawaii to Oregon with a bag. I fear for life now, because my friends deserted me and I have no family. Greatest fear is to never kiss a woman again, to hold someone in front of a fire and fall asleep in each others arms - to never make love again - these are the fears I live with daily. I read these comments and think to myself, Wish it was ONLY a colostomy bag to deal with. So if you have only a bag on, you should be thankful that it is not worse. My life was destroyed, and I feel alone and lost and may never have the things I wanted in life. Sometimes it's hard to be tough. So sex with a bag? Go for it, 'cause it is not that big of a deal when you visualize the other things that could be.
Dec 10, 2012
Pilgrim 0074Him : And you go for it too Bud. Thank you for sharing your struggle with us, your family of fellow sufferers. Your trial has been terribly rough, But you are still willing to reach out and encourage others- wow Bro! God bless.
Dec 10, 2012
timoth514 : I have various reactions to my ostomy from women. I had a freind make advancs to me and I was so starved for intimacy that I didn't know how to apprroach the subject. To make a long story short; Make sure they know before hand because a scream before sex is not a turn on.
Dec 17, 2012
Tahoma : I have to add my story: I've had three ostomies since 2005, now a permanent colostomy. Got myself a divorce about 3 years ago, was a bit worried about how men would react. Well, the answer has been: they pretty much don't (even Americans who I thought would be more superficial than Europeans; sorry). I've had one-night-stands, dated, now have a boyfriend. No-one has screamed, ran away or cursed me (to my knowledge). Of course, I haven't heard from some people afterwards, but that sort of thing is a given in the dating world - happens to my friends without a convenient excuse just as well. In the beginning I would tell beforehand but after I noticed that most guys don't give a crap (pun intended) I mostly stopped and made it a non-issue. I tell about it if it comes up and I don't try to cover it during sex. With my current boyfriend I did just that, told him afterwards in the morning and he said ok. That's it. Never bothered him the slightest. He's 8 years younger than me but he thinks that I'm hot, pouch or no pouch :). And there are lots of guys like that, young and old. I'm not saying it's all about the attitude but a lot of it is. If you go around thinking you're not worth it and that the ostomy is horrible, people will think so. You're the one who knows you the best and most people have absolutely no idea what an ostomy is. Smile, be open to new people and things, get out of your comfort zone, don't let the ostomy define you, be proud of what you have gone through and don't use the ostomy as an excuse.
Dec 18, 2012
Fargy : Beautifully said!!
Jan 08, 2013
Ileogirl : I am THOROUGHLY confused. Please help me clarify things. First of all, how can we not be at risk in pool? My zippy leaks all the time. A constant struggle. I do not bathe, or go to pools. Who wants to sit in poo? Or infect others? I was attacked by c diff, woke up from several months of coma, the bride of Frankenstein.My problem is that my ileo is much higher than where it should be...and nearly every kind of clothing constricts or binds it. Or now, retracts or protracted, which is painful,and causes the flange to lift off like water under tile. The movement of abdomen aggravates and breaks the glue bond quicker, they tell me. And I cannot tie my shoes...bend over, pushes on stoma. Riding a bike, running, leak. Hot steam. Or humid, leak. Pickup anything that strains abs, like a case of food, or 40 pounds of potatoes ( I USED to be a chef) leak. I am not seeing adult activity, basic life is a challenge.I know this sounds whiny. Let me tell you, I have had CML for 13 years, off and on 3 rounds of experimental meds that have numbers for names. I worked in Europe,and Chicago, and cared for two sets of grandparents aging, and my family...and most people never knew how sick I was. Cancer never impeded my life. But Zelda Zippy has completely derailed me.I woke up to tubes 88 pounds. They said you might die yet. And I said we'll, we will see. All the info was don't eat this A,and then z said its okay. Doctor said no idea really. So I ate, and stretched...I have a 12 inch scar, cut stem to stern. I had to relearn to walk, get off the drugs. Fought to go home. Fired the visiting nurse, the second the final gap closed. Taught myself to walk, weaned myself from the morphine when they would not. And finally, rejected the idea of disability. Drove a 26 foot truck, a car trailer, and 3 kitties from NM to Notre Dame. Talked my way into a job... And it has all fallen to the mud. Pantyhose required for work with skirts, caused illness and leaks. She sits too high and waistbands rub. Forget jeans, instant leak. Or chefs pants. Heat, humidity,dehydrate, dizzy,pass out, nauseous. Cancer never did this. Puke, floss. Brush. Move on. Rest a bit, move on. I did what I wanted. but ileo? It has ruined my lifeThank you for listening.
Jan 12, 2013
Ileogirl : Hi there! Like you, Convatec is good for me...Hollister is definitely NOT. The best guess is the glue is different...I am allergic to latex and glue in many bandages...of course I am! And also, as a chef, I have keen sense of smell...and something about the plastic they use and bike equals OFFENSIVE to me! My ileo suboptimally place. I needs to be over and down about an inch, and then all would be normal,and good. And, when this happened, outside of the current medical issue, I was healthy, with ROCK solid muscles and abs...it made the sewing up very difficult for them...no extra fat and skin to stretch a bit, and sewing through really strong muscle.Thank you for the note. Honestly, once done typing this, I have to load 3 sets of sheets, my comforter, three mattress pads, 4 pairs of pjs, 6 towels, socks, soaking in Dreft and hydrogen peroxide, and go to the laundry...as the comforter does not fit in my washer. From 2am until 3pm next day, I waited for retracted ileo in cold tub, but Incrank the heat to 90 and have radio on! Finally clean up, new flange, go about business, within an hour LEAK. I do not know how you do it for years....and the worst is that before this, I took a bath every day, and when life was bumpy, retreated to hot bubbles, book. My tub is now a giant soaking vat for icky clothes and bedding. Giggle.Hope your weekend is relaxing. Happy swimming!
Jan 12, 2013
vikinga : Hi Ileogirl! Like you my ileostomy is not in an optimal place. Not on the waistline (that sucks!) but between my pubes and where my navel used to be. Very inconvenient, but hey, I'm still alive. That is my SECOND ostomy site. The first one that stopped working and perforated was in the usual side location, but woke up from the second surgery to my new appendage Sometimes I feel like I am growing balls..lol.....As for your appliance dilema, have you tried using a convex version? Works much better for me. I had a lots of leaks in the beginning too. One day while still in the hospital, they had to redo it 7 times!!! We were all ready to throw a crying fit! But we all learn to become our own best advocate. I started really paying attention and discovered that they were using baby wipes to clean me up. DUH???!!! Baby wipes have moisterizing lotion. No wonder they wouldn't stick for long!!! Once that was addressed, and only water was used to clean with, and the area well dried, bags would stay. I use Convatec, Nu-Hope or to be more discreet Marlen....all CONVEX and precut...with paste in needed areas to fill in and bean seals (they are bean shaped breathable tape strips) to help keep things in place for added peace of mind. I now have a boyfriend who is so understanding it blows my mind. And strangely, I have less blowouts....maybe because his acceptance has helped me accept it better myself and not have my mind on it all the time.By the way, I had to learn to walk 3 times during my 6 month hospital tourMy question to you is....Have you tried talking to your surgeon or another one about relocating your stoma to a better and more practical location? One thing I became very aware of during this whole life changing experience....I can either choose to practice gratitude for alllll the good in my life (including my LIFE!) and focus on that and be happy or waste my energy on all that I have lost and who does that help???? Sure, I have my moments...but hey...Life is good!!Big hug to you!!!
Jan 12, 2013
Fargy : Nicely said!!
Jan 14, 2013
Ileogirl : They said the current stoma works well and be happy alive. If I had insurance, money, no problem...knit away. But as I have no family, no money,and no job now....hard to do. I want to go back to work!Surgeon today though said you have been through ringer and I am very proud of you. You deserve a chance to try reversal. I just got approved for Medicaid, but SSI turned me down twice, so attorney. But maybe, surgery will work! Who needs disability!
Jan 14, 2013
Ileogirl : Kuiaclyde. YOU ARE A ROCK STAR. HUGS AND PRAYERS FOR YOU
Jan 19, 2013
little1 : Hi everyone, the SEX thing is a bit scary, I've been a ostie for nearly 13 years, recently separated but nothing to do with the bag we just grew apart, my ex husband was very supportive and the bag never bothered him at all...I may have a potential new love interest with someone I knew very well before my surgery 18 years ago he remembers me as I was then he does not know how I am now, not sure how to tell him...any suggestions
Jan 19, 2013
little1 : Oh by the way I to have read It's in The Bag and Under the Covers...great read I would recommend it to everyone.
Jan 19, 2013
vikinga : Hi little1. I would wait until it becomes apparent that you are both interested in taking it further. Take your time to get to know each other again. Then gently bring up the topic that some things have changed for you and what happened to you 13 years ago. I am now heavily involved with someone that took it all in stride when I told him. He simply said That's life. His wife died of breast cancer 19 months ago and he saw her through all that that entailed. As we get older I think we learn that perfect is exactly who we are. :)
Jan 19, 2013
little1 : Thank VikingaHe knows that I was very sick several years ago and he said you will tell me about it when your ready I hope he too will take it in his stride and your right perfect is exactly who we are :) its great being able to share things with people who understand, its taken me thirteen years to do it tho !!! :))
Jun 04, 2014
blueonthetyne : whats it like....ya know wink wink, they ask.....to find a love and make it last.....I reply to whats ya name....actually its just the same.....we touch and laugh..... cuddle and kiss.....love has no prejudice.....the starts the same.....the middle to.....at the end no smell of poo.....loves a game....for all to play....this bags not in the way.....
May 20, 2018
MissRubydoux : I am new to this site and my partner is working out of state so we haven't seen each other since I had the colostomy. He's coming home in two weeks and I have questions about how and what you do about the colostomy when you are intimate?
May 20, 2018
Mrs.A : MissRubysoux,

There are very pretty ostomy wraps you cam wear to cover your appliance so it doesn't get in the way.
May 21, 2018
Mykxman : The five doses of Radiotherapy prior to the surgery followed by the surgery have destroyed any response as far as a normal reaction . I am male and feeling quite numb and lost with this .
Jan 04, 2019
Bagface : DH- A good reply to the sex or other thoughtless questions is:"What did you say." And when they repeat the question, you could say,"That's what I thought you said!"
Jan 28, 2019
honestabe : Don't have any problem with mine!
Jun 18, 2021
DanieC82 : People suck… it's absolutely nobody's business!!! Anytime iv been asked if it affects my sex life, I just usually reply “Not at all” with a wink!! LoL… like does your fat belly affect your sex life???? Hahahaha!!!

There's really sexy wraps & high waisted panties/ lingerie that totally cover the bag …I've really come 2 like using a corset for date nights lol.., you still feel super sexy, it emphasizes ur curves.., all my scars & bag are covered & lay flat… and the “important” parts (wink wink) are still totally accessible!!! LoL! I've actually dated guys tht had no idea about the bag, lol.. I just said I had scars I'm a little self cautious about! Until I felt ready and comfortable to tell them about it! A lot of people in my life know I went thru A traumatic operatioN, but I only tell people about my bag on a need to know basis! It's never been a problem! Plus for me having it so well covered while being intimate, it allows me to even forget about it for a little while… and just really enjoy myself lol!!!