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Why Has He Become So Distant?

Posted by Past Member

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, became engaged on valentines day.  He was so full of love for me and we had a good physical end emotional connection.........  I thought I'd found my 'soul mate'....  I had an emergency ileostomy in June.  I then spent two weeks in ICU being in a coma for 8 days of that two weeks....  the doctors called a family meeting as they were going to turn the machines off as I wasn't responding as quickly as they had hoped, but thankfully I came through.   I was then moved up to a surgical ward and spent a further 8 weeks in hospital......  During this time my partner became so distant I had to ask to hold his hand or for a kiss when he visited and left.  It's been even worse since I've been home! No welcome home or looking after me!........... His family and our friends have all told me how emotional and unconsolable he was, but to me he has shown no emotions at all nor physical contact of any sort, not even holding my hand whether during the day or in bed.  in fact he sleeps so far away from me it's unbelievable.......... I'm so emotionally bereft now and confused.  We live together but apart and I'm due for a reversal operation in the new year.  I dread it and the after effects as if he's like this now, what will he be like after the reversal?........... Will he suddenly revert back to the guy I fell in love with?   If he does it's a case of 'too little, too late'.......  I've spoken to him a couple of times about my concerns and he says it's all my imagination and he loves me and has to deal with things his way.  He won't read or even look at the books I've been given by the stoma clinic!.........  He's been in denial since day one and I'm going mental with it all.  In fact once I'm recovered I'm thinking of leaving! :-(  ..........  I can't live like this and deserve better....  Any Help or advice would be appreciated......

thanks xxxxx

Comments:
Past Member: I wish I could reach out, give you a hug and tell you,all will be okay......but instead I just have to say, I understand and my heart is breaking for you.The only thought ot comes to mind for me is... FEAR. You are both afraid for many reasons. Were you ill prior to this extreme event? Did your fiance' know beforehand that there could be health issues down the road, did you? If not, wow !!! We would all like to say I'll love you through good, bad, sickness and health. The words are real and honestly meant, until........your world is shattered !! We all want to do the right thing, say the right things, develope whatever strengths the situation demands, but realistically, human's are just that..HUMANS. Some rise to the challenge, some just transform into super hero's, others (although very clumpsy and obviously over their heads)try as hard as they can no matter what.....but then there are those who completely shut down. I had one of those, so I can speak from that experiance.We had been together almost 9 years, married only 2. I never had a clue about what was about to happen, thus he was totally unprepared as well.Being the sick one, my choices were almost non-exsistant. After pushing the fear aside, I became determined to fight for my life. At first he tried to be comforting, although confused, but quickly became impatient. He needed(and deserved) answers that no one seem to have. He became more and more frustrated, angry and withdrawn with me. He was convinced I had allowed myself to cintract some wild and possibly contagious disease from my job in the lab. At the time it tore my heart out, but later (much later), I accepted he was in self-preservation mode. He was afraid that he could catch whatever, which makes sense now, but at the time almost more than I could take. I was so alone, scared, sick, but mostly ashamed. I didn't want people to know that my husband didn't want to be in the same room with me. I hid as much as I could from everyone (especially my family), for as long as I could. I have no doubt that the stress only served to worsen and accelerate my near death diagnosis 6 months later.Okay...enough of that !!! The rest is history. Of course I survived, diagnosied during surgery with Crohn's. Divorced 8 months later...and life goes on. ....Now I've got the most wonderful man in the world. I feel as though I went through all of that, just to get to this !! Holy Cow, I think that might be a Country Song...LOL, BUT IT'S SO TRUE !!I'm happier and more content than I've been in my life. It's not always a walk in the park, but now, I never walk alone.If this man IS your partner, please give him the opportunity to deal with this in his own way. If it takes too long, it can prove to be the Jerk-O-Meter you needed...At least you'll know.You'll be in my thoughts....may it give you strength to continue to reclaim your life, With or WITHOUT HIM......Your sister, BEG Oct 27, 2011
Past Member: thanks BEG, in answer to your question 'was I ill beforehand?' No I was fine. It came out of the blue. Had severe stomach pain, bloating and vomiting and the doctors wanted to send me home but partner insisted on a second opinion - thank goodness. If he hadn't I wouldn't have lasted the night.He apparently thought I was 'faking'the coma and dug his car key into my leg several times. But, how he can just 'switch off' and not show me any affection or even hold my hand is unbelievable. Apprently he finds it offensive for me to have a 'poo' bag on my stomach yet it's discreet and I'm coping fine with the bag and the still open wound!I fear for the next 6 months as he may go worse after the reversal. I've had enough now and have told him so. But as I mentioned earlier, no response so I'm on my own! So besides trying to cope with my stoma wound I also have to cope with a loveless, emotionless relationship which is driving me mad! I love him to bits but he is pushing me away - subconsciously or otherwise!I'm currently not working so rely on benefits until I'm well enough to go back to looking for work but that now won't be till some time next summer the way things are going.regards xx Oct 27, 2011
Past Member: Sounds like you know what you're doing (in spite) of the heartbreak, pain and disappointment. You are in the mist of owning your future....SALUTE!!! I wish I could say that I had been that smart......................Anyone that would even think you were faking is a total Jerk which is bad enough, but to physically harm you by way of testing......???? GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!!! Let Karma take that one!................. You're stronger than you know, and are helping so many others by sharing your story...Thank you personally buddy, but also for all our extended ostomy family, that may be going through this in silence. There's no greater gift than the gift of knowledge, that you're not alone..................Please keep us informed, okay? With absolute respect and appreciation, BEG Oct 27, 2011
bag_n_drag : Beautifully said, BEG. I am fortunate to have a spouse now who IS in it for the long haul because he WANTS to be....there is a big difference in being there out of the desire to build and sustain a relationship and being there out of obligation. Obligation breeds both apathy and resentment.Confused; I agree with BEG on the observation of YOU owning your OWN future! Boy, this is a scary one...FEAR...there's that word again! But, sounds like you are replacing some of that fear with knowledge, introspection, and courage. It takes guts to say Hey, I don't want to settle for something like this! when you are WELL, but twice the guts when you are sick or have a chronic condition which can rear its ugly head at any time, without respect to time, relationships, or life events. It is SCARY, too, to look your life in the face and say This is NOT working for me! when you examine your alternatives and none of them seem to be absolute or result in a positive, concrete solution for your future. YOU WILL PREVAIL! It may take some time for you to get to the point to where you can act on some of the things and goals you want to accomplish...it took me 10 years to get everything I needed to get done, DONE, before I divorced my Jerk-O ex (becoming self reliant, going back to school for a degree at 40, coping with lupus, etc) but that day DID finally come and I am all the better for it! The thing you said about the car key into your leg....what kind of person does THAT to someone he supposedly loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with? That just blows my mind! I know that people do strange things when they are under undue stress but to deliberately hurt you like that????? TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!Keep on finding SELF and ways to make your life better. The process WILL be worth it.Darla Oct 27, 2011
Past Member: Insert APPLAUSE here !!!!....................... You said it Bag-n-drag...UNACCEPTABLE, perfectly defined !!!! See buddy, you've got support just waiting to cheer you on .......BEG Oct 27, 2011
Past Member: My thanks to both 'bag_n_drag' and 'BEG' for your support.. I searched the net for help from others who had gone through a similar situation as I felt so alone going through this stoma thing with no support from my fiance... and glad I found you.Ten years ago I eventually divorced from an abusive marriage and found my 'soul mate' or so I thought 3 years ago. He was so loving and giving.... It's even more difficult now as his last remaining parent died a few days ago so that's also added to the pressure. But, I HAVE to get out of this once I'm well as I promised myself I would never cry over a man again after my divorce and would have a happy life.... this I had until my emergency stoma operation. I'm crying as I write this as yet again it's the death of a relationship. He can't see that.....Have to dash now, due at the hospital for a check up on the stoma...Dee xx Oct 28, 2011
Past Member: Tears are release my friend. They come when we're sad, happy, moved, proud, surprised, angry, overwhelmed, in the good and bad. You will survive the tears, but definately need to allow yourself to have them. The loss of a relationship, is the death of the hopes and dreams you deserve, so you are in mourning, my friend. Grief is normal and as individual as you are. I hope it comforts you to know that we are thinking of you as veterans ourselves. We're proof that life goes on and can be as great as you allow it to be............................ Hate to say this...but you will cry over a man again, but they CAN be tears of joy ......Been there, done that.....BEG Oct 28, 2011
Past Member: Yesterday I went to my appointment at the Hospital and all is well. :-)....... Last night we were watching the tv programme 'An idiot abroad' and part of the programme showed a 'cuddle party' where people met and cuddled. lol I said to him as he sat across the room from me 'we could have a cuddle party with just him and me'. He looked at me and said I could have a cuddle with the dog!...... So another nail in the coffin of decline and separation! Oct 29, 2011
MrsO : oh my poor darling, i feel so sorry for you. whatever happens in your relationship there are some wonderful people on here who will give you all the love and support you need. i think sometimes it hard for our partners/husbands etc to realise how their actions really affect us.i wish you all the best, try and stay positive and please, anytime you need to talk pop something on here, you'll feel much better for letting it all out. sending MASSIVE hugsmrs o xx Oct 29, 2011
Lalu : Hi, Confused. I haven't been coming around much the last couple of weeks and while I usually go on on about things, haven't posted much lately, as I'm in kind of a black hole of my own. When I read your last post about the cuddle comment, I wanted to kill. We all get absorbed at times in our own stuff and fail to look at the effect our actions have on others. Sometimes it's even harder in a way for significant others, as they don't have the resources that we bag people have. Some people have trouble communicating what's inside of them in a healthy way. I'm sorry - life's just not fair nothing, NOTHING gives anyone the right to be abusive to someone else like that! Not to a bum on a street, a pet, or someone you supposedly love! Maybe it's my mood talking more than I'd like, but I'd like to think if I was in your position, if I could handle it financially, I'd kick the guy to the curb. Of course, I'm not the self confident person I often project, or would like to be it may take a while, but I'd hope to be strong enough to eventually go it alone. Don't care who you are or what you've done in your life, you deserve better. Maybe I'm too emotional about this - this is such a hot button issue for me; but as BEG, bag_n_drag I all know very well, there are people out there - both bagged bagless - who are worth giving your time your heart to.Sometimes it helps me to make a decision by thinking about what would I tell a friend who was in my situation. Whatever you do, best of luck. Oct 30, 2011
Past Member: Thanks 'Mrs O' and 'Lalu' for your recent posts. I was in tears when I confided in a friend at the weekend and they understand and support me in my very hard decision to move on next year once I'm fully recovered..... I'm not working and can't go back to looking for work until I'm fully recovered as I still see the district nurse 3 times a week for my open wound which still hasn't fully healed some 4 months down the line..... At my hospital appointment I broke down and told the staff that the questionnaire I was asked to complete for my feelings over the last week was based around my partner's reactions to me so obviously I was down a wee bit..... They actually understood and said quite a few partners do this and go in denial but not as extreme.... At least I can finally open my heart to 'friends' on here who understand instead of people in my life who have no idea of how to react..... I thank you all... I've tried to get my partner involved in helping me change my wound dressing and stoma bags as I thought it may help him to understand what I have to deal with but it's a no go as far as they are concerned, they're not interested!... thanks again xxx Oct 31, 2011
Tigerlily : Dear confused, I was so upset reading your story and how your fiance has treated you. From what you have said you have made your decision to end it once you are a bit better and I honestly think that is the right decision. You deserve someone who loves you and everything about you, who you can share all your fears and worries with. At least you have found out about your fiance before the wedding. Believe me there is an amazing man out there ready to support, love and accept you as you are. My story sounds similar to yours in terms of timings but I have been very lucky with my fiance. We were engaged on new years day after just over 3 years together and I had my emergency ileostomy (reversible)at the end of March after much vomiting etc. I only had 6 days in ICU and a further 5 weeks in hospital though. We also had some warning as I was unwell, gradually getting worse from Nov 09. Diagnosed with Crohns in June, wrongly as it turns out. I was meant to have bowel surgery with a risk of a stoma just before Xmas but it was postpones to mid Jan so when he proposed he knew of the risk of it. In fact we found out in early Feb that I have a Lymphoma, not Crohns. Have had several rounds of chemo which seems to have worked although cant be sure. Dure bowel resection and reversal sometime next year. I also have an open wound which has similar output to the stoma as well as an open fistula just to the right of my stoma. Both are almost healed now the chemo has stopped. I don't know how I would have managed without the support of my fiance. He apparently insisted on watching them change the bag when I was unconscious and like you at deaths door on ICU. He actually is far more comfortable with it than I am and I can honestly tell that it doesnt bother him at all. I dont say this to make you feel bad that your fiance is not like this but so you know that there are great men out there and you will find one of them. I just read you story to him and he immediately said to get rid of him! I dont know about you buit for me this is one of the worst periods of my life, stuck off work, on benefits dealing with such a life changing op and the after effects and if your fiance cant help you with this he is not worth having. I know I have rambled on and on but would again say at least you have found out now. Hopefully you have friends and family who can support you through your reversal and onwards and there is always the support of everyone on this site. Just knowing we are not the only ones dealing with these things makes me feel better and I hope it helps you too.So again have faith, you can do this and certainly dont need him. You will find someone wonderful. x x x Oct 31, 2011
Adabar : My goodness! Being a male I am squirming where I sit. I have had my Stoma since 2003 due to Colorectal cancer. I was more upset about it than my ever loving wife was. She was practical from the start. I have had accidents with the bag coming off in our bed, each time she got out of the bed, came around to me and set about cleaning me sufficiently for the trip to the shower. While showering she stripped the bed and remade it with fresh linen, took my fouled PJ's to the laundry and prepared them for the washing machine then came back to see if I was OK. This is typical of my Beverley. We haave been married for 48 years (to each other) and Beverley knows very well that if the situation was reversed and it was she who needed my help I would be there for her. As for love and affection yes she gets that, we hold hands where ever we go and in bed too. Cuddle? you bet we do. I find it hard to understand many of my gender. Confused, I don't even know how to express my feelings about your situation. Your Stoma isn't permanent, you will be free of it soon, so his problem must be FEAR as has already suggested in this blog. He isn't worthy of you it seems to me.I hope that your reversal goes well, and maybe you will meet a better soul mate soon and live a life of love and affection. That is my wish for you.Doug. Oct 31, 2011
Past Member: My dear Tigerlily Adabar, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words of support.... Again my tears of relief fall when I'm on here as the support is fantastic.... My partner's last parent died recently and the funeral is this week, and I was terrified of having to tell her next year that I am being forced to move on as she was a lovely person and his family have all commented on what a difference I have made to him after his ex-wife destroyed him...... Now I can see why she left him as since my 'near death experience' I have seen him in a different light! perhaps this is the true him?..... Anyway, having to tell her is now not an option to deal with so that's one step I don't need to take..... I have two bags on my stomach along with the open wound and when I eventually had the hospital staff and consultant's talk 'to me' rather than 'at me' about what had happened, I made a joke of it looking like two red fried tomatoes and a piece of streaky bacon.. lol..... that's how I get through it....... The other week I said something to him about wishing I hadn't come through the operation so he'd be free, I know I shouldn't have but I was so frustrated and upset and immediately regretted it afterwards..... but guess what? there was no response to it from him!..... I've been researching houses and would need a deposit to match the monthly rent, but it's still a dream as I'd have to recover completely first then find a job and try to put some money aside so it may take 12 months or more!.... (this would then be like living back with my ex-husband before I left him!).... the wound still hasn't healed and the longer it takes the longer I will have to wait for the reversal and recovery..... Adabar I thank you again for your thoughts and honesty from the male side of things..... I am a caring sharing person and gave up my full time job a few years ago to look after yet another parent until his death last year whilst raising my youngest child who has now grown and flown.... I still support my partner over his recent funeral preparation needs etc but this is me... I don't stop showing feelings but it's pulling me apart..... I've pulled out of running round after him and picking up after him, have decided not to spend any more monies on the house as I need to try and put money aside if I can to start again and have to decide what to leave and what to take...... I was wondering whether to search local storage places for prices and take on a small storage unit for now until such time as I can sort things out as looking at my belongings at the moment scares me as I have my things, my parents belongings etc to deplete yet again...... one of my friends asked recently when the wedding is and I've simply said 'I'm in no rush and the wedding is on the back burner' ...(permanently now!)......regards xxx Nov 01, 2011
Past Member: I forgot to mention that a few weeks ago (due to the many boxes and bags of stoma bits I have delivered each month) I purchased a plastic storage unit to house them along with my wound dressing bits take a selection through to the bathroom in a small stoma bag supply box when I need to change my stoma bags and dressings..... a couple of nights ago he said he was going for a bath and I had forgotten to move my box of stoma bits after changing the wound and dressings - which were still on the side of the bath..... I had asked him to put the box of bits on the bed rather that on the bathroom floor..... his sharp response was ''you have a tower to house your stoma bits in why are they in the bathroom?'' ....... How many times do I have to explain to him????........ Am I expected to wheel the whole unit to the bathroom each time!!!! ...... again..... he doesn't want to know about or see anything to do with it!...... Nov 01, 2011
DH : This might sound a bit blunt.But I think you should find a new partner. Nov 01, 2011
Adabar : Dear Confused......The more I read on these and some other pages, the more I feel ashamed of many members of my gender. I have always believed that it is our, males that is, part in life to look after and defend our ladies. Remember, men used to stand in a train or bus in order to have ladies seated and comfortable for the journey? They don't seem to anymore. I feel embarrassed these days when ladies of my age stand up so that I can be seated. (I have walking disabilities) Even though I use crutches I can still stand and would do so but for the generosity of these women. The reason that your partner refuses to involve himself in your situation is that he cannot handle it. Did he change nappies on his children when needed? I bet he didn't, Does he cook a meal for you? Take your breakfast into you when you are not feeling well? I do these things as do my male friends all of whom are musicians or retired musicians. Yes I am a retired musician myself. In fact I do all of the cooking here and enjoy it, especially so when Bev says how much she enjoyed it. I guess we all enjoy something that we didn't have to prepare. I am not unique, Many men that I know do much the same as I do. Our wives are very special to us. We seldom argue and enjoy each other's company. My Beverley, now aged 71 still goes to work 3 and sometimes 4 days per week so that we can have our holiday trips. We have been around the wold although haven't seen many places that we would like. Bev enjoys her work being one of a dying race, a stenographer. There is of course a social aspect to it to. She has been there for something like 35 or more years. I am immensely proud of her. When she comes home from work, I sit her down in the lounge chair with a glass of wine and cook her dinner for her while she watches TV and relaxes. Isn't that how it should be??? We have been married for 48 years and I wouldn't change a thing from what we have now. I would like the same for you. Keep your chin up, surely there are better times ahead.......Doug Nov 01, 2011
Adabar : Please forgive the spelling errors, I am not a typist like my wife! I do though have the fastest two fingers in the west!!!.......D Nov 01, 2011
bag_n_drag : Adabar (Doug) you are indeed a dying breed. You have my deepest respect and admiration! I, too, have a wonderful spouse and partner who possesses many of your great qualities; as well as many of his own. When I met this wonderful man and we knew we wanted to be together, I vowed before G-d that I would try my best to never take his goodness for granted.....hopefully I have, to date, made good on this promise. My first marriage was to a very uncaring and selfish man; so I have been privy to both situations and am so thankful that I was able to get a second chance at love and commitment! I know this sounds corny, but, for me, love certainly is lovelier the second time around! We have been together for nine years now.Kudos to you, sir, for getting it right! :)Darla Nov 01, 2011
Adabar : Darla, how great that you have a fine partner now. It makes life so much better for you both. In confused's situation I grieve for her. So many folk these days don't seem to realise that we ALL have feelings, and we can bruise badly inside especially so when it isn't deserved. Throughout all of my medical emergencies and subsequent problems My Beverley was right there beside me. Last year I was in Intensive care for 7 weeks and the nurses told me later that Bev was there for 16 hours at a time. I was in hospital for 4 months. Of course I would do that for her if the situation was reversed although I prefer that she doesn't have to go through that. I see our ladies as very special beings so come on guys, smarten up, our ladies need your support not indifference. Nov 02, 2011
Past Member: thanks folks..... My fiancee came to the hospital twice a day when he could, sometimes before work but always straight after his long working day...... at one point I told him to take a night off as he looked shattered (but some times it was also to give me a break from his emotional absence and argumentative mood)..... he then spent a further 6 weeks visiting his parent at hospital so he's had 5 months of travelling and visiting etc ..... We've had some of his relatives staying with us for the last few days (he did the cooking) as yesterday was the funeral of his parent and we actually linked arms walking behind the hearse with the cortege to the church and back.... a first for some time and it must have been a fluke..... In church after he read the Euology I asked to hold his hand and he said what for?..... I gave him my total support and told him how proud I was when he read the Eulogy and tried to get close to him...... but that was that and at the end of the day guess what... he was at the other side of the bed again with his back turned again so.... nothing changes!!..... I've given up trying to get a response.......xxx Nov 04, 2011
Past Member: I was going to visit the family graves today to replace the faded flowers and place my wooden remembrance crosses on but guess what.... I have a bad headache and migraine zig zag lines today so that was ousted out :-( ....... I guess it's a build up of stress with everything else..... I'll have to wait till next week now before I drive down and visit them as I'll have to let things settle....... Nov 05, 2011
Beth20 : Sorry to read you post, but I hurt for you! My husband of 24 years cant except my ostomey , talking of not understanding why guys feel that way blows my mind! Docs say I can do the reversal, but am not convinced its the way to go for me. Nov 05, 2011
Past Member: thanks Beth for your response, I was a carer for my father until his death and he had a Urostomy for 40 years.... I always hoped it wouldn't happen to me and then what happens, I end up with an emergency ileostomy..... I'm managing it and it's a part of my life that I have to cope with now but I'm going for the reversal once I'm able to and hope it works as I don't think I could cope with a stoma bag for the rest of my life!..... my partner certainly couldn't and I wouldn't be able to cope with my partner either! Nov 05, 2011
Past Member: hi folks,I hope you don't mind me ranting but today I picked up my monthly medication prescription whilst on my way to the treatment room for my dressing to be done and I broke down as my prescription was incorrect yet again for the 4th month running!!! ........ I ended up in tears whilst talking to the district nurse as I've been keeping my problems to myself as usual and she kindly just sat and listened to what's happened the last few months and to how I feel about being pushed aside etc...... I think the prescription problem was just the last straw!..... thanks for listening xxxx Nov 07, 2011
Queeny : KICK HIM TO THE CURB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I do not know you or him but I am 45 yoa and have been married 26 years if we make it to January 2011. My marriage was heaven on earth. I could not thank God enough for such a loving awesome Husband that me feel like that the most beautiful woman to ever walk this earth and most definitely his most valuable treasure. I have had a total of eight abdominal surgeries. The last of the eight surgeries occurred in June of 2006. My physical problems have been complex and I do not have the time to type the specifics out and they are not important in regards to my marriage except for the last one which was a colonectomy with a permanent ileostomy. I have now lived the past 5 and 1/2 years with a husband that has no desire for me sexually and gives me minimal affection. There is so much (so many facts) that I could add to this response but there is no need. Just last night I actually told my husband I don't know how much more I can take beore I end up in the arms of another man. I am a born again Christian and this is an absolute no no but my heart is so broken and I (as a woman) really need the loving touch of a man. Please don't put yourself through any more of this type of emotional abuse than you have to. The ileostomy is not a problem when it comes to making love. Just make sure the bag is empty, roll or fold it up and put a tube top around your belly, etc.. I have read many stories how sex lives have not changed or they have become even better after having an ileostomy depending on the reasons why it was needed. I begged my husband for approx. a year just to start holding my hand again and he did not and does not. He says he can not remember.......but, he is always saying I Love You. Turn off the sound and look at the picture - It's heartbreaking but not hard to figure out.I wish you all the best and please remember you are the only you there is. You are an individual and unique. You deserve all the love you give out and NOTHING LESS.God Bless Nov 07, 2011
Queeny : ******MEANT JANUARY 2012 Nov 07, 2011
Past Member: thanks Queenie,he used to say he loves me every day then wham..... the ilesotomy and I nearly died...... since then I don't get a handhold let alone a sit with me these days!!!! I've given up now! if It takes me 12 months or more I'm out of here god willing... xxx Nov 09, 2011
Past Member: I've seen my stoma nurse today and she's changed the type of stoma bag (two piece with floating flange) as the other one is now making my skin sore due to the wound no longer being concave!... Here's hoping it works..... I'm going to see my Consultant tomorrow re my ileostomy/ stoma bags/ wound...... The wound is looking good and becoming a lot smaller than it was, I just wish it would dry up and heal at least then I could set a date for the reversal at some point in the new year....... that's the only good news so far, nothing else has changed...... the partner's still the same, in fact he's just bitten my head off for nothing at all :-( so I've come up here to get out of the way....... Nov 15, 2011
Past Member: Hi folks, went to see Stoma Consultant today for my regular checkup and he is trying to get an appointment for day surgery to clean up the overgrowth on my right hand stoma (the extra one).... so other than that it will be 6 months before next meeting so it looks like the reversal won't be until at least June 2012!...... this will then be nearly a year from the first operation!..... also sending me to cardiologist appointment to see why I'm getting breathless when I'm walking and using the stairs.... here's hoping it's nothing untoward!! .... I will keep you informed...... everything else to do with stoma is fine and even the medication is being cut down from today so that's good news..... Nov 16, 2011
Past Member: update... open wound is finally getting smaller and less 'messy'..... stoma base now back to flat rather than convex due to wound levelling out :-) ...... so that means a change of flange again (down to flat base rather than convex) which is a good thing, plus I'm using less products due to this :-) ..... also day surgery to remove xtra growth on lesser stoma is set for 12th December..... xxx Nov 22, 2011
Past Member: Hi folks, thought I'd update you...... my open wound is looking good, getting smaller all the time..... but, I tried again to speak to the partner re his distancing, lack of contact, emotions etc and how lonely and unloved I feel....... guess what?..... usual answer 'it's all in my head'...... he's soooo defensive still and soooo not listening to what I'm trying to say! ...... still couldn't get him to listen to me let alone give me an answer :-( ....... cried myself to sleep yet again..... Dec 01, 2011
Lalu : Oh, Confused, you break my heart. Recently got rid of a room mate who owed me over $5,000, stole from me, did nothing around here but destroy things and made messes. And he was my landlord's brother! So come live with me in California. I was married to the most wonderful man. Unfortunately, we met late in life and had no kids. My ileostomy was a health issue to both of us - nothing more. It never occurred to me that he would love me any less and I have no doubt that he never thought of leaving me because of it. I was the one who couldn't deal with it and he took care of me - changed the bandages on the open wound, cleaned me, changed the bag, bedding, etc. I thought Bag_and_Drag was the only one who knew what that was like. It's nice to hear that Tigerlily also found a keeper. They exist. I lost my husband on his 61st birthday, 10 months after my surgery, when he went into the bathroom and went into cardiac arrest. Over a year and a half later, I still cry a few times a day (like now), but I'm also making myself laugh as I think my loss would have been so much easier to handle if he was a bastard. How unfair it all is.You're fiance sounds a little like a 'crazy maker' - he's acting differently and telling you it's 'all in your head'. I've been with my share of crazy makers and being someone who had trouble trusting myself, I'd always think it was me, when in fact, it usually wasn't. Glad you seem to trust your instincts. I so hurt for you. At this point in my life I don't know if I'll ever want to live with anyone again - either house mate, lover, whatever, but it took me way too long to realize I'm much happier alone than in a lousy situation. Everyone has issues. Many people have health issues. We have health issues to spare. The stress of dealing with your emotional pain will do nothing positive to your physical condition. My apologies. When I get into a rant, which I haven't done in a while, I know I'm all over the place. DH has a much better approach to it all. Whether you find a new partner or not, you may want to think about if this the person you want to be with for the rest of your life or if you deserve better. My vote is that you deserve better.Lalu Dec 04, 2011
vanestag : I'm in the same situation...can't leave because of health insurance. Still too young for Medicare.(58yr old). I live in his house but furniture is all mine. 1st wife took it all. He is very controlling. Feel so stuck and hopeless. Oct 27, 2012
Past Member: Hi folks, thansk for your recent responses.... thought I'd better update you all. Dec2011 was my last post apparently on here :-(At first it was great eating marshmallows and other food stuffs to thicken the stoma but.... I was failing in health last year and by christmas I couldn't eat much at all - even a child's portion was too much for me and food started to taste like cardboard.... I lost 2st in weight and the situation with he who shall not be named didn't change.The dietician didn't appear... I had infection after infection, flu etc.... and I collapsed at home in the January! I was fed by hospital for two weeks to try to build me up and I pleaded with consultant to do something..... So 7mths after ileostomy I not only had my reversal but also had my gall bladder out as they found stones but was really ill again...for months I thought why has my swollen stomach not gone down? In May I was informed by my consultant that I had a hernia and offered surgery... well you can imagine my response.... I was not in a position mentally nor physically to do so...now some 8 months later I have an appt soon to talk about my hernia op... not looking forward to it but it needs doing as my depression grows and my relationship continues to decline!That my darlings is it in a nutshell.... Oct 29, 2012
Queeny : I. AM SO SORRY 4 your pain. I just read the post I left a year ago and I myself am crying.............God give us strength, please. Oct 31, 2012
Past Member: Thanks Queenie. I have an appointment week after next to discuss my op which was originally going to be planned for next year but I need it asap now.. nhs authority is struggling funding and staffing wise which I saw when I was last in there! I have also tried to sit and talk to my partner several times this week.... keep getting verbally batted away!....... I've come to the conclusion that He's locked mentally and emotionally in a place I can't reach him!.....so... I have applied for housing with two authorities near to where I used to live.... if he wants me he can court me at a distance as we used to do.... otherwise it's bye bye ;-(Now I just need my op over and done with.... xx Nov 01, 2012
Past Member: Hi folks, not been online for some time but still get some of the responses to this thread. Update: As you know I was struggling with partner after my ileostomy, let alone my reversal and ended up with a huge incisional hernia the length of my abdomen... Things just got worse and I was forced out of home in Dec2012 after I found he'd been having an affair amongst other things! I was homeless, penniless it was deep in winter and was forced to pack a bag and my friends took me in, then I ended up in a refuge. Two years later I still have my enormous hernia but am finally settled in my own place, well enough in body and mind to ask about whether or not it can be done. I love living alone again and at least am back with friends who care about me. Not sure if hernia can be done we'll just have to wait and see, I look 6 months pregnant because of the hernia and the corset is a killer and my clothes don't fit but so what... I'm alive and happy.... After collapsing at hospital recently I've had various multitudes of tests and found I now have an hiatus hernia also - which makes sense of some symptoms over the last few years - so here's hoping.... If I do go for hernia reversal it's 50/50 as to not only if it works but if I come through it after my last operation history.... I'll keep you updated... so my love to all my friends on here. xxxxxxxxxx PS... I also have a new relationship and he doesn't care about the hernia. :-) Jun 05, 2014
Teddiee : A suggestion of a way out of this one for you, because from what I have read here, things are NOT going to get better for you if you stay with this JERK!! IGNORE him!! Pretend he is not there....you "asked" him for a cuddle....NO. You have to be strong and keep your distance at all times. Tell him you don't fancy him whatsoever now. Give him the UTTER cold shoulder treatment....IF you WANT to stay with him (personally speaking, I think you are way too nice and good a person to be with him), this REVERSE treatment from you on him might be the only way to find out if this relationship is to be, or not to be. Do try to have more self esteem. Just think..."I deserve better than this"(which you do). Why do you wanna waste your time until you get your reversal, to see if HE changes THEN? THINK OF YOURSELF hunni bunch, and act accordingly. I stand for enough CRAP from this stoma, and certainly wouldn't stand for ANY crap from a guy!! Jun 04, 2016


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