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WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? :((((

Past Member
Posted by Past Member, on Sat Sep 18, 2010 8:34 am
Hi, Yesterday I went to the hospital for a check-up and while I was there a lovely man came up to me and started talking to me and we hit it off straight away, talked for a couple of hour's then he asked me to go out for dinner with him! Anyway I thought why not as I have to start trusting men again..... So today I went to meet him and he took me out for a drink and a chat and he is just a wonderful man,kind,caring and very sweet! But after an hour or so I started to get scared (as usual)? Then I said to him I'm sorry but i have to go and pick-up my brother,which was a lie and I hate lying but it was the only way I could (RUN AWAY). We went back to his house and he asked me if i wanted to go to his house for a BBQ for the football grandfinal and I said yes I would like that. When I left his house he came and gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me i was a beautiful woman and liked me very much! Anyway when I left and got in my car I totally fell apart and cried all the way home because I'm so bloody scared of the inevitable (intamacy) not that he;s the type to try and get me into bed as he's such a gentleman. I dont understand why I'm like this my FEAR is just out of control and it's doing my head in as I like him very much but am too scared to tell him that I have a (BAG) as I dont think I could handle the rejection again... I dont know what to do or what to say in this situation because i've been hurt terribly by another male and it's constantly in my mind that it's just going to happen all over again and if so i think it would be the end of me.... literally!!!
How do I tell him that I have a bag?? I feel completely worthless,sad,lonely.... I dont want the sex side of it i just want LOVE and ACCEPTANCE for what's inside my heart! I'm so very confused and dont know where to turn... Any advice would be much appreciated as I dont want to let him go!!!    Beverley
Reply by KennyT, on Sat Sep 18, 2010 9:20 am
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Last edited by KennyT on Sun Sep 26, 2010 8:34 am; edited 1 time in total
Reply by ok girl, on Sat Sep 18, 2010 9:58 am
You are a beautiful lady and I understand once you have been hurt it is so hard to trust again but like Kenny says you will meet the right one and maybe this guy is that one give him a chance when you feel comfortable about it or not your decesion.
Reply by bearcat, on Sat Sep 18, 2010 10:09 am
afraid of rejection? i think everyone is. my wife went thru the whole process with me. so we both knew what was coming and was able to deal with it together. i think if i was in your place, i'd talk to him early in the relatiionship to see how he will react. you know he will have to be told sooner or later, and the longer you wait, the harder it will be. think positive. if he is truly worth a damn, he will accept you as is. a bag may change the way we use the bathroom, but it doesn't change how your heart works. if he's true, keep him close, it he's not then throw him out like you would a bag of garbage and move on.
Reply by loren4life, on Sat Sep 18, 2010 12:13 pm
Yes, normal feelings and reactions.  But if it FEELS like the right person then it is time to become vulnerable and mention the obvious.  I have found it amazing, and sometimes painful, to learn who is more interested in me than me condition.

I've had dates with ostomates that went well until intimacy was suggested.

And, like others have shared on this forum, there are plenty of folks who have no problem with intimacy even when they learn my stomach isn't normal.

This site is a good place to learn many of these things.      Loren
Reply by Marines1967, on Sat Sep 18, 2010 2:41 pm
Hello Beverley,  First my dear friend you are not damagedgoods! I can tell by your eyes that you're a caring an beautiful woman! Beverley, nobody likes to be rejected for any reason. I am a 60yr old male I have had my bag since March of 2003. I've always found out that telling the truth is the best. I would tell him about your operation an the reason for the bag. You called him a gentleman if he truely is then he will be understanding. I know it will be hard an you'll be scared to death that he too will walk. If he does it will be his loss not your's because my friend you want someone that likes you for who you are on the inside not the outside. Good luck!!

Marines1967
Gus
Reply by Gus, on Sat Sep 18, 2010 8:51 pm
                                 
Marines1967 wrote:
Hello Beverley,  First my dear friend you are not damagedgoods! I can tell by your eyes that you're a caring an beautiful woman! Beverley, nobody likes to be rejected for any reason. I am a 60yr old male I have had my bag since March of 2003. I've always found out that telling the truth is the best. I would tell him about your operation an the reason for the bag. You called him a gentleman if he truely is then he will be understanding. I know it will be hard an you'll be scared to death that he too will walk. If he does it will be his loss not your's because my friend you want someone that likes you for who you are on the inside not the outside. Good luck!!

Marines1967


I agree with al of yas, not easy when you have  a ptrotrusion in front. I met my wife over the intermetyears ago and I was scared shit;ess to be rejected, The opposite was the case because, I was ofm the mind I have it, I can't get rid of it, and She would have to deal with it,, turns out she did and married me,, I hope you can work through this because it wil only hold you back
Reply by Pinky, on Sat Sep 18, 2010 11:18 pm
I've had dates with ostomates that went well until intimacy was suggested.

Loren - could you elaborate a bit on this? Are you saying that other ostomates were reluctant to be intimate even with another ostomate?  Guess I have a lot to learn  

Beverley - I think you are being awfully hard on yourself.  You haven't known this man very long - even if you weren't an ostomate, you might very well be questioning whether to jump right in to intimacy!

We DO all need nurturing and love, and a mature sexual relationship is the BEST place to find this.  It IS hard to trust another human being after being treated badly.  Accept yourself first, and know that you are a complete person with or without a sexual relationship.

Oh well, what do I know...probably why I have to make do with a sweet little beagle  
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Sep 19, 2010 5:29 am
ok, i will let you in on a little secret....now dont you tell anyone...."a man is just like a horse or a dog....theres a little something wrong with all of them"{mark twain.. i think}

be serious...so you are not perfect....heres a news flash...neither is he...perhaps if you over look his flaws...he will over look yours.
that is really what an adult relationship is all about.....
Reply by 1victs, on Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:13 am
You are not damaged goods and I agree honesty is the best policy, hey it's not 'optional' surgery, you were brave enough to have it, to stay alive. If he doesn't understand and move past the juvenile idea that you not beautiful because you have an ostomy-he is just not worth your time.  Ostomy doesn't define WHO you are, it is a life saving operation-you first have to accept yourself as beautiful and then everyone else will! If he cares for you he will not even think twice about it-throw on a Ostomy Secrets wrap and RELAX!! Enjoy life, be happy to be alive and dance on sister. Stand up loud and proud.
Reply by weewee, on Sun Sep 19, 2010 5:13 pm
                                 
mild_mannered_super_hero wrote:
ok, i will let you in on a little secret....now dont you tell anyone...."a man is just like a horse or a dog....theres a little something wrong with all of them"{mark twain.. i think}

be serious...so you are not perfect....heres a news flash...neither is he...perhaps if you over look his flaws...he will over look yours.
that is really what an adult relationship is all about.....


here here total agreement with mild_mannered_super_hero
Reply by tippitop, on Sun Sep 19, 2010 6:23 pm
The advice these lovely people have offered you is spot on! You  are a very attractive woman and can see why he has fallen for you! Tell him! Its the only way. be honest, you are taking a gamble, but its the only way you will know. Good luck lovely lady, deep breath and go for it.

Best wishes,

Triciaxx
Reply by KennyT, on Sun Sep 19, 2010 7:21 pm
I probably should not do it but I have just re read your last post and I did not totally get it in my head the first time.
It is not hard to see that you are a very loving,caring person and if your initial impressions of this guy are correct so is he. If you are right in your appraisal of him maybe give it a little time to give you peace of mind about him and then you should probably brooch the subject with him. While I understand what you say about the rejection Bev please the one thing you need to keep in your head is that it is not you that got rejected by that clown before but look upon as you ridding yourself of some totally unwanted baggage.


Any way Bev I really hope that things work out for you but judging you from a couple of posts on a forum site I can tell that you will find your way.

Keep your head up.



Last edited by KennyT on Sun Sep 26, 2010 8:35 am; edited 1 time in total
Reply by Faith4Today, on Sun Sep 19, 2010 8:35 pm
A little different perspective:   Take it very slow...  Even if you were both perfectly healthy you would want to get to know this man on a friendly basis before you reveiled personal secrets.  It is always good to go on several dates, decide if you really like this guy, become very good friends, make sure you are very compatible and have alot in common.  You are a valuable person and wouldn't just throw your heart out there to just anyone who will take it.  Your first concern should be is this guy good enough for you....Waiting for sex with someone you just met is just good sense.  Not because you are waiting for the right time to tell him the big secret, but see if you think he is a potential mate.

If in time things are still going well tell him about your disease as it started and how it progressed to an ostomy.

Why risk the rejection, he may not make cut....There is less chance of rejection from someone who has had time to care about you as a person.  Give him a chance to see the real you, so he will know you are worth the little life saving inconveience he will be so happy you survived and waited for him........Keep the FAITH
Reply by WOUNDED DOE, on Mon Sep 20, 2010 12:30 am
Hello Damagedgoods Smile  your Wounded Doe here Smile  I absolutely LOVE each of the replies in this thread, wow, such great people in here hun!!  I, too, soooo know how you feel and I understand how scary it can be when starting a new relationship of that sort...I have many reasons besides my ostomy for being shy with men and quite frankly have always been darn hard to get close to....and I've done a lot of 'hiding' and 'running' in the past....and it takes one heck of a persistent man to beat down my door just to hold my hand............but hard as it is, do your best to lay down a bit of trust and as Faith said, go slow, no need to rush...you seem to be such a wonderful girl,  anyone who would have a problem with your situation, and not have more respect for you and see your value would simply not be a guy worth your time anyway, but if it feels comfortable, continue to get to know him better.  I know some might think bringing up the ostomy right away is a better thing, and others will tell you to wait....quite honestly, my own personal opinion is, it depends on that person and how you feel at the time.  You will know when is the best time to bring it up, everyone's situation is different honey, you are the only person who will know when that right time is going to be....but don't push the guy away....don't 'pull a Doe move'  LOL ....have more love for yourself and give the guy a chance, hence, giving you both a chance......and good luck!! SmileSmileSmileSmileSmile   Sorry for rambling, I do that sometimes Very Happy

~Love from your Doe
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