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What's the point??

Posted by nini, on Tue Jun 14, 2011 4:20 pm
Hi Everyone,

Im Niamh...I've been a member for over a year but have been a bit quiet. Just felt I needed to post this... I'm feeling really down at the minute.

I've had an ostomy since 2009 after 2 years of hell with UC. I had a boyfriend all through my illness but he couldnt accept the bag after the op and the relationship broke down 9 months later.

I've only recently felt like getting out there and meeting somebody. I'm a really loving and affectionate person and miss having somebody to share my life with. I met a really nice guy a couple of months ago and we started to date. It was playing on my mind about telling him about the bag so last week when we were chatting...I told him.

He seemed to take it really well....just saying nobody is perfect. The following week he was hardly in contact with me so I new something was up. Eventually last night I got talking to him and it turns out that he doesnt know if he can get his head around the bag. I've explained to him that it was a life and death situation and that I should be able to get the reversal done.  He was very apologetic about it but doesnt make it any easier to accept.

I really think I'm destined to be alone forever.... I keep thinking back when I was first told I had to have the bag and the horror that went through my head. I dont thnk any man will ever accept this.

Whats the point in even trying anymore to find somebody???
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Jun 14, 2011 5:51 pm
?


Last edited by Past Member on Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:16 pm; edited 1 time in total
Reply by shakyjakie, on Tue Jun 14, 2011 7:14 pm
oh nimah my heart goes out 2 u 1st of all some1 who cant accept u for who u r ,honestly isnt worthy of u ,i know its not easy but im sure ev 1 who has got what uve got have dealt with the same emotions and have got over it ,dont get me wrong we all have days when we are depressed ,but just keep telling yourself that theres always some 1 worse of than yourself and trust me ure stronger than u think ,im a great believer that theres some1 out there for ev 1 and after a few attempts ive found mine [mind u it only took me 30yrs ha ha ]anyway whats the rush just enjoy there company and make friends 1st then when ure not expecting it some 1 will b there for u ,lots of love and b strong tc xxxxxjackie
Reply by shakyjakie, on Tue Jun 14, 2011 7:20 pm
we all have days when we r depressed ,but just say to yourself ,theres always some1 worse of than yourself ,anyway whats the rush make friends 1st and when ure not expecting it ul find some 1 who likes u bag or no bag ,b strong and start living your life ,if anything my ostomys gave me loads of confidence as any 1 whos went thru that can face up 2 anything,b strong and tc luv shakyjakiexxxx
Reply by Primeboy, on Tue Jun 14, 2011 7:32 pm
                                 
nini wrote:
I really think I'm destined to be alone forever.... I keep thinking back when I was first told I had to have the bag and the horror that went through my head. I dont thnk any man will ever accept this.


If you believe what you just said, you will create a self-fulfilling prophesy. Here's another option: believe that the right man will accept your situation. A negative attitude will telegraph an unfortunate message to the world that you're "damaged goods." How you feel about yourself affects how others will feel toward you. Time for some self-esteem. Go for it.
Reply by Froh, on Tue Jun 14, 2011 7:47 pm
You're feelings are entirely justified and will come and go. If it gets too hard, please seek help. I have been treated for depression and it has helped me enormously. The fact is life is full of creepy people but also wonderful, supportive and joyous ones and it is to those whom you must turn. Create a network of love.

As to finding a partner, that will take time. But it helps if you can look in the mirror and deal with what you see yourself, and that takes time too. The time will come. Just remember we have all made a life and death decision and when I see that damn thing (which I still hate, lol) and the scar, I think: Man! You are a survivor! And others feel that way about me too.

Take care.
Reply by mild_mannered_super_hero, on Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:15 pm
                                 
nini wrote:
I dont thnk any man will ever accept this.


what if the man had a bag too????............
good luck
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:36 pm
MMSH  has the point.  You came in here for support,  so try and get it.  

There will be  some one in here for you.  Just keep making contact and stick with it.


For example, you said you got your bag in '09 and this is the first time I have seen you in the

forum. Don't give up.  I am a guy and I realize that this is a girl thing but

good luck and happy hunting!
Reply by Snowwhite, on Tue Jun 14, 2011 10:04 pm
Oh for God's sake......we all poop. Some of us do it a little different. If you are scared of the bag, then whoever you meet will be scared too.  You were very lucky your boyfriend isn't in the picture......would you want to have to make sure he is ok everytime there is a leak, pain, hospital visit? He should be doing that for you!!! I do not understand one thing. If you have an ostomy and tell a potential partner about it and then add that a reversal is in the talks,, does it make it seem not so real and not so scary to you? Does it make us with permanent ostomies less than those who could not get reversed? As a beautiful woman, (yes I am chatting to you!) smile, talk and do things you did before getting the ostomy.....THAT IS THE REAL YOU!!!!! That is the person that should get dolled up and flirt with the next man that winks at you. That is the person who secretly craves the acceptence of her body. And that is also the woman I am. I cry, I laugh, and I am terrified to tell a man. But when you find the one that shruggs his shoulders and says "Do you like to rollar blade on our next date?" , THe sky will shine more brightly and you will laugh to imagine that you could have been stuck with someone who DID NOT have u or your relationship in the right priority.

Sorry for the harsh, also nasty remarks. I hope you read this over and over till the bulb lites up and you get. You get you are no different and the man the falls in love with you adores and loves the bag becasue it made you a better life. You would never of met him if u didnt have a bag. So be proud of the bags ability to help you find a great man!


Litttle tough ostomy love.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Jun 14, 2011 10:28 pm
Hi Nini........I can feel the saddness, heart break and fear in your words and it breaks my heart. It CAN feel like the end of the world, hope it helps to know that, you're not alone. My marriage ended as a result of my illness and subsequent ostomy surgery, so I can relate. May it help to know that this site is full of men and women who have survived the loss of their relationship or are in the mist of living with rejection. If you read profiles, you'll find those who have never had a relationship, be it due to illness or maybe just paralized by the fear of rejection. Sad to imagine never allowing yourself the opportunity to be loved in an effort to avoid possible heartache. Ostomy or not, love is ALWAYS a chance. Much better to be rejected, than to live pretending to be anything other than who you are. Would you turn your back on anyone you REALLY loved? If your answer is NO, then you've just answered the relationship question, sweet girl. Anyone unable to accept you with "accessories", didn't love you in the first place.

The world is full shallow people. Try looking at  our situation in another way. What about appreciating the fact that  our "Bag" is our "JERK" detector !!! Wow, consider all the pain it probably saved us in the long run, huh?  When I see my ex, I can't help but think to myself................"Thaaaaaank you", I've already had enough "Shit" in my life, GOOD RIDDANCE !! (We can also count on KARMA...LOL)

MMSH also has a wonderful suggestion...we ostomates should stick together !! As a matter of fact...MMSH and I have been blessed to find have each other. It's true,  they do save the best for last !!! I plan to be with this man the rest of my life. We've only been together since May and I've NEVER been happier. SO DON'T give up or let it get you down. Your life of love isn't over.  I'm telling you......IT CAN BE OUTSTANDING !!

Your friend, BEG
Reply by bes0642, on Wed Jun 15, 2011 12:43 am
                                 
Browneyedgirl wrote:

The world is full shallow people. Try looking at  our situation in another way. What about appreciating the fact that  our "Bag" is our "JERK" detector !!! Wow, consider all the pain it probably saved us in the long run, huh?  When I see my ex, I can't help but think to myself................"Thaaaaaank you", I've already had enough "Shit" in my life, GOOD RIDDANCE !! (We can also count on KARMA...LOL)


Browneyedgirl hit the nail on the head. Our bag is a Jerk Detector. If any guy treats you like crap over the bag tell them "TO KISS YOUR STOMA" enough said.  After everything you've been thru to survive you don't need dudes like this in your life. They don't deserve you.
PJT
Reply by PJT, on Wed Jun 15, 2011 10:14 am
Hello,

         Sorry to hear you're down in the dumps. I have to agree with everyone's excellent advice on this topic and I would also like to add that I was once in your shoes. Young and single with an ostomy and a lot of questions racing through my mind. Am I ever going to have sex again? (Yes). What are girls going to think? (Usually not a big deal). How am I going to tell them? (Wait to get to know them better).

          You're just going to have to trust me on this one but to the right person it really doesn't matter. It's totally irrelevant. You're new to this but in time your ostomy will become nothing more than an inconvenience. You  are an attractive woman. Project a positive attitude and a sense of humor and you'll be fine.

Paul

P.S. How are things in Dublin? The attached picture is me with my grandmother taken on my last visit there in 1957! I really need to get around more often (LOL).

Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:39 pm
?


Last edited by Past Member on Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:17 pm; edited 1 time in total
Reply by Primeboy, on Wed Jun 15, 2011 4:52 pm
                                 
Snowwhite wrote:
Oh for God's sake......we all poop."


There's more wisdom and sanity in these 7 words than in all the philosophy and psychology books ever written. Nice work, Snow!
Reply by nini, on Wed Jun 15, 2011 4:55 pm
Thanks everyone for your replies. I was having a bit of a meltdown yesterday...it's only the 2nd one since getting my mála (my nickname for it...means Bag in Gaelige!) so not doing too bad! I've managed to curtail the blubbering today so reckon that's a good sign!  

I know my post probably gives the impression that I'm a negative, glass half full kinda person but I'm very much a positive person...was just having a bad day! That said, i'm still disheartened when it comes to thinking about finding that special somebody.

You're right shakyjakie... he's not worth it and it's better to find out that he's shallow and immature now rather than later on down the road.


mild_mannered_super_hero..... I would be thrilled. At least they would have had a similar experience and understand what it's like. It doesnt seem to be happening on here for me. Not many members from my part of the world.... but heres hoping

snowwhite....thanks for the kick up the ass! Maybe it didnt sound like it in my post but I totally accept my mála... it has given me my life back. I have been offered the pouch surgery and I'm still considering whether I want to go for it or if I will just keep the bag permanently.

Thanks Browneyedgirl. Jerk Detector....I like that! So true!

Paul... thank you for the kind words. Dublin is grand.... a bit doom and gloom with all the economic problems but hey I dont let that stuff get me down. Life's too short! I love the photo... do you know what beach it is?
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