Struggling with Dating After Surgery - Feeling Hopeless and Alone

Hey, you are a handsome man. I hate my new body, too... but I have been dating. I haven't wanted to have sex with anyone, but I have old-fashioned moral values... most of the time. This protects me from getting my heart broken. Anyway, the last guy I dated didn't mind that I had a bag, and he wanted me, but I said no. I broke it off because he is still married to his ex-wife and in love with his ex-girlfriend... so... not the best choice.

I do believe you should ignore the ostomy more. It is hard, but get out, get social, and forget the bag. Be normal. You never have to tell someone about the bag until you think the relationship is heading towards sex. Save sex for later... when you've developed a great rapport. Hug, kiss, and adore a woman, if you want, but wait until you know you want to trust her before you reveal the bag. I am sure someone who loves you will not mind it at all.

Love yourself. Know that you are lovable.

If I were your age, and lived in your city, I'd love to date you. And I'm picky. So if I would, I know many other women would, too. And... all it takes is one, you know. You just need to meet one.

Good luck. You are worth loving. Know that! And find someone you want to give love to. There are other lonely people, you know. Someone out there needs to be loved. Find her.

What the hell happened to For Better or For Worse? I can't believe that someone would divorce their husband or wife because of a bag. I must have married a saint because he has supported me all through this and even helped me search for the type of pouch I needed. And it's not like they have to see the contents of the bag. They have pouch covers you can wear over them. And for you ladies out there, there is a site called My Heart Ties. They make beautiful heart-shaped pouch covers you can wear over your pouch for intimate times.

I was in a serious relationship of 4 years, planning to get married, when I found out I had cancer and got my colostomy. She left me pretty quickly. I had a hell of a tough time dealing with things mentally and emotionally, but eventually I decided to get on with my life and live it. I ended up meeting the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. She is so freaking hot that it is crazy. Not only is she hot, but she is nice, caring, romantic, and gentle...a dream come true. She's ten years younger than me and she doesn't have an ostomy or any other slight imperfection. We got married, it's been the best four years of my life, and now we have our first child. She tells me all the time she married me because I have a colostomy. She says the fact that I get on with my life and haven't let it slow me down, that I don't complain about all the accidents and frustrations of an ostomy shows a strength of character that none of those other guys out there can ever match. And while she says that to me...there is some truth in it. People who have been through the mill, but come out stronger and wiser for it, are so much more "manly" in the case of men, than those little poser boys who don't know up from down. Same for women...a woman who is mature, strong, and wise is the personification of hotness, regardless of what is stuck to her belly. And to drive the point home, it is really all the shallow people who are truly ugly and undesirable.

Doesn't get better than that!!!!!

Thank you to all for your comments. I have Crohn's, psoriasis, and now arthritis throughout my body. It's an extremely tough pill to swallow being that I once could run for miles laughing, and now all I can do is take painkillers and veg out!

I understand.

I too, along with many others here, struggle with Crohn's (and other disease processes) and the lovely flares. Arthritis joint involvement is just an associated sidekick along with the occasional unexplainable seizure-type episodes, numbness, tingling sensations, and swelling, compounded by fatigue, pain, and nausea. Thanks to steroids, I have an inoperable bleeding heart valve, hypertension, and recurring shingles. Like you, I've succumbed to total frustration and depression at times.

Just want you to know that what you're feeling is "normal," and no one is judging you. I just don't want it to keep you down too long, okay? There is "life" before, during, and after illness. You may not "Power Walk" today, but never underestimate what tomorrow may bring...........

On your side, I promise....BEG

Dear Death - and others,

I am wallowing around in my own stuff today - self-pity. I have my list of issues as do we all. Speaking only for myself, my stoma stuff is so far down my list that it has almost no significance. It is almost equal to a stubbed toe - really irritating - nothing more.

MS is probably my most accurate current diagnosis. And I really don't care what they call it. Pain and misery are unrelenting. Every cell of my body is in pain all the time. I took pain pills all week to be able to be with visiting family, pretending to be 'fine', and now I am off everything again - second day with nothing more than Excedrin. Difficulties seem overwhelming. They are not, it just feels that way.

I just talked with a friend and she reminded me that we essentially have two options. We can change the situation or change ourselves. The situation for most of us isn't changeable. So that leaves one option. We change ourselves. We accommodate the situation. I change ME.

Some days I change 'me' into an upbeat positive person like others on this site. Just now I am wallowing in my misery. I will tire of that and will return to the better option of positive forward thinking before too long. I hate all the things I can't do.

I hate giving up my small RV and my freedom to travel because I can't even manage that anymore. I hate requiring help. But I love doing my small art projects and writing my stories. I am working on the things I love and pushing the things I hate back to some distant place in my mind and feelings. I am working to remember the things I can do and focus less on what I can't do.

Thank you all for being here to listen and share. I know none of my issues are worse than any of yours. It is all just a bit heavy today. But getting lighter by the minute as I recreate my space and me. I am posting a couple of new art zentangles on my profile. Silence.

Dawneagle... I wish you strength during your struggle, buddy. And may it be a comfort to know that I'm thinking of you.
Feel better soon, BEG

BEG, you are a comfort daily. Carol 'dawneagle'

I feel your pain as well. So sorry.

Carol, you're in my thoughts.

Texas is a 'boot strap' place. "Just pull yourself up by the bootstraps". Cowboy boots have small inside straps for a finger in each boot to help pull those tight-fitting boots onto your foot. Boots are for riding horses and walking in deep sh__ , or boot scooting - country dancing, or kicking something. We in Texas have a tendency to think bootstrap therapy is all that is required for any life difficulty. Just pull yourself out by those bootstraps.

I went to the bootstrap metaphor after listening to a political commentary about our Gov Perry. One in five Texans lives in poverty. Many more problems. Solution.... "those people just need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps". As if I (or anyone) would simply choose poverty and never feel overwhelmed by life.

I am just letting you know that I have a finger in each strap and am getting closer to pulling myself out of my muck. The position is a bit awkward but it is a start. I don't know whether to go for one foot at a time or try with both feet. Seems like I need a stable surface where I can put that freed foot. So just now I am looking for something stable - anything.

Maybe later I will tell you how to get out of those boots. I may not have helped anyone else today but I have given myself a laugh just thinking about Texans, my dad, grandpa, and bootstraps - the answer to everything.

Oh bless you Dawneagle. You really sound like you are at such a low. I appreciate your time when I first made an enquiry here and I hadn't had any other interest. I hope by sharing your pain you can pick up where you stumbled. I know I've had many days of late when all I felt I needed was a big hug but being able to share things here has helped relieve some of the pain. You most definitely are in our thoughts! Take good care, Colm

Dawneagle, you sound like you have a lot of strength and courage. Being diagnosed with MS is a tough pill to swallow. Several of my relatives have it. They don't know if it's hereditary though. I wish you well. Stay strong and keep blogging. You are a good inspiration. Donna

I am sending thanks to all of you, Donna, Colm, BEG, LALU, Death, Ed, and all the rest. Yes, I have courage, skills, and all that stuff... and things are getting so very much worse. I have a very ill grandson and some other issues - health and more, that are just about to put me under. Those bootstraps are not serving me very well. I think I can't handle one more thing, but there is no other option at this moment. Still, they keep coming one by one.

I know I have to hold on and put forth the positive face with family, and I am so very glad I have you on this site to back me. That is one thing we do well here - right. Support... I will let you know when things change. Hold sacred space for me - however you do that. My mantra... "this too shall pass." It will be okay again at some point. We all know what it is to go through and come out the other side. I know that most of you have been here and worse. Thanks to the site and all of you, it helps. Carol

You are in our thoughts and prayers, Carol.

I heard on the news today that there has been a breakthrough in the cause and possible treatment of MS. They have figured out that there is a shortage of a natural steroid in the brain and are going to put patients on steroids to see if they can treat it. They are optimistic about curing and possibly even preventing MS.
http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/story/2011/09/21/multiple-sclerosis-brain-neurosteroids.html

Well put, my friend.....BEG

Lalu, beautiful letter. I hear you.

Thank you (and everyone). The world is a bit better this morning (not out of bed yet). Lots of overnight crisis but "I" am better - at least for this moment.

I sent the following note to a dear caring friend.

"Miracle morning. Pain is low. Symptoms are mild. Temp is cool 56 degrees ... 14 C, gentle rain and an easy, soft breeze. My little personal world is in order. I deserve it. Take care."

Must go. I am so glad you all are there.

Thank you, Carol.

So glad to hear how much better you sound.

This is one morning I don't mind starting out with watery eyes.

Okay Moe (I'm Curly, by the way), what are you talking about? No damp eyes go unnoticed................

BEG

Oh Dawneagle, it's good to hear you sounding better and long may it continue! You certainly deserve a few good breaks!
Will be offline, I think, for some time myself to get myself in order! So here's hoping there are better days ahead for us both! Take good care, Colm

Death, I have not previously addressed notes to death. I have cried out for it, asked the doctor to allow it, and raged against it. But, I have not written it notes.

I hope our continuous posts on your topic of ranting have helped you in some way. We all need to rant and/or cry at times. Then we get better. Then we laugh together. I love the jokes - even the groaners.

By the way, I consider death a dear friend and have no fear. I have always thought we should celebrate another person's successful completion of this process of life we are all going through. We learn, we experience, we cope, we laugh, we cry. Then at some point we are done. I have died twice and for me that is going home. There is no need to hurry because there is no time and no space and I will have had the experiences I came here to have. Then the perfection. I will understand it better when I get there again.

So, Death, I hope we support your educational experiences - joys and pains. It is called Life. Most of us choose to live it - as it comes to us. Not that we have a lot of choice.

Carol - 'dawneagle' I am the eagle of the dawn after some pretty dark and scary nights.

It was a long time before I dated. I had my ileostomy 28 years ago - half my life ago. My husband had no problem with it, but left 10 years ago - more about someone else, rather than us.

I had relationships with 2 people before my current partner. I was scared about telling them all. The first one saw no problem. The second said he was interested in how it all worked. I started to realize the relationship was about me, not my appliance. My current partner of 2 and a half years is a very loving, caring man. Of course, you have to tell them before starting a sexual relationship. Hopefully, by then they can see past it. It is a very difficult conversation to initiate. I started by saying I had a body image problem... well, it's not actually me that has the problem but others...

I had ruled out ever having another relationship as you have. You just never know what's around the corner.

Best wishes, Possum

Hi friends,

I too read "Death's Rant", but I wrote a personal note instead of posting... Now I think I'm sorry I did that.

I was a child when I got sick, and a young teen when I had my surgery. And now at 63, those 3 years of being sick are only seconds in time. And yet, some of the experiences during that short time, and in the years that followed, can still bring me to a rant. But that's when I only focus on the bad. Life wasn't easy....and adjusting to an ostomy was a challenge. But at 15, I was thrilled to get on with real life, and I never gave the actual ostomy a second thought. It was just a part of me. I dated, I camped, I stayed out late and partied, I got engaged, married, and then had my two miracle children. But illness plagued us, and I started to develop/collect medical issues. My marriage wasn't made in heaven, and that began to deteriorate too. But I went on to college while married and graduated with a BA and then Special Ed certification. Sadly, both my sons developed inflammatory bowel disease, and that was a heartbreak for me. They faced their challenges, took their meds, rode that roller coaster of illness and well-being, but graduated, married, and both now have children. I sometimes think that "it's not fair", and life shouldn't be so hard, but all that grief just makes the good times better. Today, I "seize the day". If I'm well, I'm out and about....and if not.....I hope for a better tomorrow. I don't want to lose a "good" today....grieving about a sad past or an uncertain future.... But in my heart of hearts...Rants feel so good....Cathartic...and not as fattening as chocolate cake.

Dear Immarsh,

"I don't want to lose a "good" today....grieving about a sad past or an uncertain future...."

Doesn't get better than that my friend !!!

BEG

I know how you are feeling, friend. I have had those thoughts as well. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope things get better for you.

I know that this is a real old posting but I just wanted to add this. Love and a relationship is very possible for all of us. We just have to wait for that special 1 to come along. As I have, yes I have met someone that understands and accepts me with my urostomy and severe ED. If we adjust our thoughts and attitude, we can live a fun and fulfilling life.