Awkward Noise Moments?

What do you think is the worst possible time to 'make noise'? There is a family funeral on Friday and it just hit me that would be one of the worst possible times for "Pandora" to speak up. What other times do you think would be really awkward noise times?
KBD

Cute topic, KBD.

Certainly not the worst time, but an inopportune time might be just as you're sitting down for dinner with your sister, brother, and 2 nephews who know nothing about your situation since your sister fears that one of them would probably have nightmares. Let's say the two boys just finished showing off their very fine farting skills, so when "Pandora" (cute), who's usually quite demure, starts showing off herself, one of the boys, shocked, says "Aunt Laurie, did you just fart"? You don't want to lie, can't tell the truth or your sister would get really pissed off, so you just tell them your guts, on occasion, get pretty noisy. Not that anything like that happened 2 months ago. Just thinking.

Babies get away with anything. At a funeral, of course, we'd be embarrassed. But if a hypothetical 8-month-old had a bout of constipation at his hypothetical grandmother's funeral, it would most certainly lighten the mood if, in the relative silence of a room with a couple hundred people, all anyone could hear was what a constipated baby sounds like when all his energy goes into relieving his situation by verbally pushing as loudly as possible. Not that this happened 14 years ago. Just saying.

I would really give them nightmares - I'd tell them you think a ghost just farted

Me? Break wind... why, of course not!!!

LOL, BEG

KBD -

One of my nephews has just lived in fear of everything since forever. On fireworks nights, like July 4th, I'd sit in the house with him - windows closed, doors locked - Lord knows how that would help, but he insisted - while everyone else in Las Vegas watched the 360-degree show. From some areas, wherever you look, you get a great show. It was the noise that freaked him out. My sister thinks, I'm sure she's right, that telling him my guts are hanging out through my skin may not sit too well. I'd also like to tell him that where I had an open wound, I can now watch my guts move as I digest stuff. It's very cool, in my opinion. Like something out of the X-Files - wormy things going through my system. If I ever did tell him about the stoma, maybe I wouldn't be quite so descriptive.

BEG - So glad you seem to be having such a good time. Lately, I find myself writing either to someone on this site, on Facebook, or an email, and before I know it, I'm laughing my ass off. I figure SOMEONE's got to think I'm funny - it might as well be me. Talk with you soon, my dear.

My big question - Is there a reason the powers that be have chosen to write in red and double-underline my two uses of the word constipated, constipation in my earlier post! (No question mark on this keyboard).

Well, one is being at a meeting with 25 other people and everyone is practically sitting on the other's lap and the meeting has two more hours to go. Or how about being in the front of a lecture room with 45 students listening to everything you say and then suddenly you make this rather loud noise and it is coming from a most unusual place AND you are not a ventriloquist.

X_

Whoa, Xerxes - Yousa, yousa. Not fun at all. As a saving grace, they don't know you're not a ventriloquist. You can always say you're practicing your stage act. So do you ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, say "excuse me", or, as I would probably do, lie down and die after first breaking down in tears (no question mark).

One reply could be "Sorry, but that's what I thought of that idea" or there is always "Sorry, just breaking the ice"!! My own personal worst is when I am sitting in the doctor's waiting room and it does it every time, just when it is nice and quiet. Now I am just going to say it is my mobile phone on loud vibrate!!!

I was getting my hair cut at the salon when my stoma started blasting off. Luckily, my hair stylist turned on the blow dryer at just the right time, so it muffled the noise. I do find that if you put your hand over the stoma, it helps lower the volume of that noisy little sausage.

Is this an example of God working in mysterious ways?

LaLu,

Good point and suggestion. I will try that next time and let you know what happens.

X_

It was one thing to happen to make noises just after my nephews had just finished showing off their farting skills. Other kids might play a more traditional musical instrument, or show off artwork, schoolwork, or how they can shoot a basket from across the yard, but my nephews are special. So it was easy to just tell them I have a noisy gut, which wasn't a lie.

Unfortunately in practice, I've no doubt I'd turn bright red as the tears came, then just to pretend I'm not really there, lying on the floor to die would probably be my way of handling it.

Whatever works.

I'm waiting for the day that my stoma starts making noise in the pulpit, it should liven up the sermon!!!

I have sometimes wondered if this is God showing His sense of humor, or merely teaching us humility.

I had a friend back in college who had a skillful way of avoiding the embarrassment of farting accidentally in public. Whenever he unintentionally let one loose, he would look at the person nearest to him and say out loud, "Ewwwww. Control yourself!"

My family tends to do this in reverse. Living in the country, we are surrounded by 'farmyard' smells and whenever they are treating the fields, they all say "Oh Nan, do you have to?". All good fun until you are on the bus or somewhere! Good job I love 'em. Jenny

I guess ostomates had better not go to Afghanistan :
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/chris-rodda/to-the-united-states-mari_b_941783.html

KBD

In a sketch show, front of stage, full house of about 80 people, total silence for comedy effect before the punchline and it had to choose that moment....

I guess this is as good a time as any to repost this video that I think I'll retitle as "An Ostomate Greets City Council":
.

I love it! Made my day!

BEG

Me too! Although whether I could have seen the funny side if it had been me, I don't know. Knowing me, probably!

The worst time would be when the minister asks "Are there any objections to this marriage?"

A story goes that during a quiet time in church, a man passed gas very loudly, so he nudged his wife and spoke above a whisper, "Go ahead and hit me so they think I did it."

In 2006, my youngest daughter (then 17) was at a party, and there was a guy she had never seen before hanging around her and a group of her friends. There was nothing that seemed interesting or attractive about him, and she was going out of her way to ignore him.

Suddenly her stoma unexpectedly sounded off very loudly... and everyone turned and looked towards her. At that precise moment in time, this guy was standing next to her, and without missing a beat, he deflected all of the puzzled looks away from her as he casually exclaimed, "Excuse me!"

When she told me this story the next day, it stirred up within me such a feeling of respect for this stranger who knew nothing about her or her ostomy, and yet he acted so nobly to save her from an embarrassing moment.

After that party, she never again saw or heard of him.

You could segue into an impressions routine, and begin with a "killer whale imitating an outboard motor":

Wow, for the first few seconds there I had to look down and make sure Pandora (my stoma) was not going on a rampage--sounded just like her.
KBD

Trouble is when you are worried that it will start farting, it usually does. Getting anxious makes it more likely for me, but how do you get over that? All my family and friends know, and it usually ends in a joke and laughter all round. My almost three-year-old grandson, in his innocence, points at me and exclaims "that was you, Nana," sure does break the ice. When I am in other places where people don't know, I tend to sit with arms folded across my stomach and put light pressure on the stoma. When I feel a rumble, I increase the pressure.
Wish I had the guts to tell everybody, but just can't. It is such a personal thing.

Wow, three....love the story. A reminder that "angels" (heroes, spirits or whatever you choose to believe) walk among us! Thank you so much for sharing. Couldn't help but smile and get that warm feeling....Beautiful!!

BEG

Recently, my bag decided to fart while I was sitting in a very quiet courtroom. The lawyer for the defense was halfway through a long and impassioned speech. It was a real showstopper of a fart that brought giggles from members of the public sitting at the back. In cases like that, it is always best to keep a straight face and then blame the usher.

Man, I can see that happening. Church, courtroom, library, doctor's offices—I hate those "pin drop" quiet places. They make me and Pandora paranoid.
KBD