Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q. Why do men break wind more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced.
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q. Why do women have breasts?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.
Q. What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A. A whine and cheese party
Q. Why is it called PMS?
A. Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q. Why do men break wind more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced.
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q. Why do women have breasts?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.
Q. What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A. A whine and cheese party
Q. Why is it called PMS?
A. Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
