I have tried both the upfront reveal and the waiting game, and both are honest in my opinion. This is what I've learned over the past 40+ years living with my ostomy. I find that almost all people, male and female, are capable of quick and irrational judgment when faced with the upfront idea that a potential mate has an ostomy, even those that might be more open-minded when given adequate time to become emotionally invested. I advocate allowing some time to pass before discussing your condition. As has been stated above, getting to know someone a little better is a good idea. I've learned the personality types, in women, that are going to be more accepting of my condition, and I can usually tell, with a little time, which ones will or won't bolt when the big reveal happens! Online dating is the same, wait until you've met the person face to face and gotten to know them as live people and not some distant implied concept with the internet and distance between you. On the net, you can be anyone you want to be................it's much harder in person.
When the time comes, confidence is the key! Both men and women respond better to a confident person than the shy, timid, and reserved! The more they feel that your ostomy doesn't matter to you, the more it will not matter to them as well. If your ostomy is the constant focus of your time and attention, it will be for those around you. This is especially true during intimacy. It's difficult, but forget that it's even there and don't worry about it!
Like Franicca, I was only seventeen when I had my colostomy. That was the early 70's, and although I agree with most of the comments, you can't help but feel hurt. Like the others said, if someone can't accept your stoma, they are not worth knowing you.
Why Join MeetAnOstoMate?
First off, this is a pretty cool site with 33,461 members. Get inside and you will see.
It's not all about ostomy. Everything is being discussed.
Many come here for advice or to give advice 🗣, others have found good friends 🤗, and there are also those who have found love 💓. Most of all, people are honest and truly care.
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Create an account and you will be amazed.
Hi there. Firstly, may I introduce myself. I'm Natasha, a 36-year-old from the UK. I would like to share my story with you.
I met a wonderful, gorgeous man on the internet 3 months ago. We instantly clicked - the same personality, same sense of humor, same outlook on life.
I was made aware from the beginning that he had Crohn's severely. This wasn't an issue at all. After talking for a month and getting on so well (we still hadn't met in person), he told me he had something to tell me regarding his health that may have a massive impact on how I felt about him. But he couldn't speak to me but would send me a text when we hang up. I felt physically sick as I was fearing the worst. My phone bleeped and he told me he had an ileostomy. I felt nothing but relief as I feared the worst. I sent him a text immediately saying, "Is that it? Thank God. I was so worried you were going to tell me you had AIDS or something else really bad." So to me, the ileostomy is a small price to have saved his life. I now have a wonderful boyfriend, confidante, soulmate, rock, and lover. My wonderful man had been single for 3 years after being rejected by shallow, superficial women who ran a mile as soon as he told them about the ileostomy. Their loss and definitely my gain. Just proves waiting for the right woman is best waiting for. I truly hope you find a genuine woman as there are some out there who can see past a bag. It's the person inside, and I feel like a very lucky lady to have found such a beautiful, caring, loyal man. I'm very happy xxx Good luck xx
Hello there,
I've been in 3 relationships since having my ileostomy 28 years ago. My husband stayed on until 12 years ago.
It's a hard topic to bring up. I waited until they got to know the person, then introduced the topic. I started by saying I had a body image problem ... actually it was other people who had the problem. Decent people can see past the appliance.
Best of luck, Possum
I had my surgery 2 years ago, and decided to try to date again. I did the online thing. Right away, I met someone very nice and very attentive. Once I told him about my ileostomy, he just couldn't handle it. He was extremely apologetic and knows he should be able to get past it. But he just couldn't. Anyway, it really hurt. It brought back all the feelings of being "not normal". I feel like I took 10 steps backward in my recovery. I won't go through that again. I'm back to watching movies alone at home on a Friday night. It sounds like I'm having a pity party, but I guess I can't take this kind of rejection.
I don't know when it would be good to tell. Most everyone I know already knows about my 'pouch' - someone said the word pouch is easier than the term bag or appliance. The word appliance is my hangup. Reminds me of toasters and blenders and electric toothbrushes.
I find myself wondering if anyone ever 'shows' it first. It seems the idea of a pouch or a bag is worse than the reality of one. People that have seen mine usually say something like - "is that all it is"? .... Then it is a non-issue.
I can imagine myself saying, "can I show you something about me?" Then maybe, "it's a little bit personal I wouldn't want to embarrass you" - then maybe the top of the pouch.
Or maybe just ... "I had surgery a few years ago, it saved my life, my poo comes out a different place now". "I wouldn't want that to stand in the way of our getting to know each other better". "I sometimes make noises also".
I have had a couple of interesting experiences ... Close friends who want to see, frequently want to see the bare stoma - without any covering - and sometimes want to see it work. I tell them I can't 'make' it perform on demand. We laugh. Most say, "is that your gut (the stoma)"? Desensitization works wonders.
Carol
I'm so-o-o sorry, Emeraldeyes, but don't let one bad apple ruin the whole bunch!!! I've had a relationship (1 ostomate and the other "normal" as you call it) and they're the same.....Neither relationship ended because of my disease or ostomy. One ended over as "simple" a thing as "POLITICS", can't get more shallow than that, huh?.... UGH! I hope that when your pain and disappointment lightens, you'll see he actually did you a favor. His honesty saved you both so much time and energy. Hey, it's his loss...................Tomorrow's a "New Year" and the possibilities are endless. You've already proven that you're smart, strong, and determined, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING !!!!
In closing, let me say, I'm in a new relationship with an "adult" man who only wants to be with me. He thinks I'm the best thing since ice cream and makes me feel (and "lets me know") that I'm 100% woman............... Don't close your heart or eyes, and never let someone make you feel less than you are. You are "EMERALDEYES" and there's no one else in the world like you..... remember?
Your Buddy, BEG
Brown eyes
Good comments. Relationships end all the time - sometimes over serious things, other times over trivial things. It is almost always more than what it seems on the surface to be.
Relationships are complicated and difficult - under any conditions. It is seldom as simple as eye color, appearance, a sixth toe, or a bag/pouch. And when those things are issues, we don't need that in our lives. And it is a favor to us when they walk away and, it's a loss to them.
A very dear friend once said to me, "Oh no, I would never expose him to my fat body." My first thought was, "Why would you want to be with anyone who can't be allowed to see the real you - with its beauty and its imperfections?" She was fat and, you didn't need to see her without clothes to know that ... and she was exceptionally beautiful. She had trouble seeing and accepting her own beauty.
Check out our travel tips on diet and fitness.
You're a very wise woman...my dear Dawneagle. Self-confidence, self-esteem (or lack thereof) along with fear and insecurity are vicious culprits. It's important to remember that we all have them. A "perfect" human being remains to be created, and even the (so-called) "Beautiful People" are affected, they just wear a better mask.
BEG
Hi BEG,
Well, you just ruined my day. I thought I was the perfect individual all these years.... LOL. Happy New Year!
X_
I am humbled, BEG. I hope your guy realizes how fortunate he is. (Somehow, I think he does).
X_
Hi, I really felt for you when I read your post. It was the same for me when I did internet dating. One chap came back for coffee on the 3rd date and used my loo. I was really keen on him, but he opened my cupboard which had all my supplies in it as he finished all my loo roll. When he came out after quite some time, I asked him if he was alright. He said, "Yes, I am alright, but are you?" I never heard from him again.
I started to date people exclusively with medical backgrounds, and that is where I found the acceptance. In fact, when I told them I had bowel cancer, 2 chaps asked me if I had a stoma and were fine about it.
Those dates did not work out for other reasons.
I had my reversal 54 days ago now, and I am nearly back to normal. I will always have the scars, which are quite impressive, and that is now something else that I will need to worry about. But hey! Who is perfect?
Sunny x
I got dumped less than a week before my surgery. As one astute poster previously observed, there are superficial narcissistic ego-driven losers. This being noted, if we put ourselves out there, probability dictates we'll meet some of them. My surgery was Dec. 1. My old girlfriend started calling me three weeks ago. I signed up here less than a week ago, and I'm sure I'll meet more like Ana. And more than likely, I'll meet some truly wonderful women as well. I know you're out there.
Hello Malicie67, I'm in your shoes. I do believe I've had my colostomy for 2 years this month. Now that I'm thinking, it will be the 18th. Time flies. But I'm like you, I can't date because I don't know how to tell the person if we should end up together, close, that I wear a bag. I do think it would be a turn off, but on the other hand, I got to believe that the only thing different is that we go in a bag and they get to sit down. Hahahaahah, I have a lot of different things to put over my bag that are pretty and you can't see the bag when I put them on, but no one sees them but me. I'm ready to tell some people because I do think that we are special people and that if others can't see us for who we are, then I guess they can really kiss my a.... or my bag lololo. I hope I do find a nice guy that will accept me for me, because I'm a good person, a lot of fun, love to talk, and a good listener. So it has been good talking to you. I hope you answer. I would love to chat with you. Till then, Malcie67, you be careful and safe. BYE, Sharon.
HELLO CHRSWLHLM, I HOPE I SPELLED THAT RIGHT. SORRY ABOUT ANNA IF THAT IS HER NAME, YOU WILL MEET A LOT OF NICE WOMEN ON HERE, AND MAYBE YOUR DATE!!!!! SO DON'T GIVE UP. I'M STILL LOOKING AND HOPING TO FIND SOMEONE. SO BE GOOD AND CAREFUL, WRITE BACK IF YOU WOULD LIKE, WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU. Sharon
It can happen!! I told this guy about my bag like when I met him and he asked me out on a date after! I showed him the bag on me, I showed him bags that weren't used yet and I answered any and all of his questions. When I told him about the bag he wasn't put off but he didn't really understand it, but when I showed him the bag he looked at it and said "That's it? That's what the fuss is about? Really? You honestly thought THAT would put me off you? Well it's going to take much much more than that little thing to put me off!"
He asked me out and now he's my boyfriend.
He said to me "It's just you and me. Always. You and me, and our little friend... I'll have to give it a nickname" meaning my stoma lol.
So it CAN and it DOES happen!! You just gotta meet the loveliest person to show you that.