Hi DH,
I'm so sorry you are having sexual issues after your surgery. I didn't know until I read through all the posts, if you'd had radiation or chemo. I have had my ileostomy for over 50 years, since I was a "kid" of 15, so I had no pre-surgical sexual experience. But I do know that radiation and some medications can cause damage to the tissue. Discuss those issues with your doctor.....or with a gynecologist (male or female) whoever you feel more comfortable with.
My final surgery (removal of the rectum and anus) had some complications.... and some long-lasting effects. Between the ages of 15-19 (when I had the final surgery) I had still not had intercourse, although I'd been somewhat intimate with a former boyfriend. I didn't think I had any problems and was able to have an orgasm.....without intercourse. But during the final surgery, there was damage to my bladder, and 10 weeks post-op, I still couldn't pee, nor did I have any sensation of having to pee. Eventually......I was able to urinate......but rather than just relaxing and letting the urine flow, I really had to "push it out". The sensation of having to pee never returned. At first, I thought I had sexual issues as well..... I was newly engaged, and intercourse was "less than fulfilling". I went to see a therapist, who gave me some good advice.... He said I needed time for my body to heal completely, and if it was still a problem 6 months to a year later, go to see a gynecologist. In the meantime, during our engagement year, we practiced with different positions and different angles to determine what was most effective and least painful. It's been 50 years now....and there are still times that pressure from the wrong angle can cause pain. But I did heal and managed to have a fulfilling sexual life......had two pregnancies and gave birth to two battered but basically healthy babies.... Unfortunately, both went on to develop inflammatory bowel disease.....one has Crohn's, and the other has ulcerative colitis, but we're all grateful that their conditions are managed by medications. They are both in their 40s and are raising young children.....so our concerns aren't over... Sometimes.....life isn't easy, but with patience and the ability to adapt and be grateful with where you are in life.....we can manage to overcome some of the issues.... Marsha