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How do you tell someone your dating that you have an ostomy?

Posted by beccalea1187, on Thu Feb 16, 2012 12:45 pm
I am a 37 year old, single mom of 3 and I am a colorectal cancer survivor going on 3 years now. I am dating and find it very difficult and stressful to try to tell someone I want to be intimate with, that I have an ostomy.  How do you tell someone? I would also like to know how can I  hide or keep my bag from getting in the way during intimacy. I am so worried that I will never find someone who will accept the fact that I have an ostomy. I feel so embarrassed asking these questions, but I don't know who else to ask..Thanks!   Please help!!    
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:10 pm
Good question, I look forward to seeing the answer.

( I fear there will be some comment about if they love you they well accept you as you are)

Good luck with your relationship though hope it works out well for you

Reply by ron in mich, on Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:30 pm
hi beccalea there,s a company, ostomy secrets that has clothing items to cover ostomies, they might have something for you.  good luck ron in mich
Reply by beccalea1187, on Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:51 pm
Thanks Ady, I have been told  "It shouldn't matter how you tell them as long as they really love you, there shouldn't be any reason why he won't accept it."  I find this hard to believe, I think it's alot for someone to accept and be ok with it, but who knows maybe he will understand!

Thanks Ron! I have ordered from ostomy secrets but there products are just so uncomfortable. Has anyone tried the stoma caps? I ordered a bunch of them but don't dare to use those during intimacy because they leak and then having to put them on before or take them off afterwards takes a toll on the skin......Ughhh
Reply by three, on Thu Feb 16, 2012 2:16 pm
beccalea1187 wrote:
  How do you tell someone?

This is a challenging question Beccalea ~ in my experience there's a place deep within each of us where answers to challenging questions can materialize. Some people may find that a peculiar statement; however, here's proof of that place within:

If I give you a specific answer to your question, you will not embrace that answer if it doesn't resonate with that place within you, and there's your proof that something within you knows more than part of you realizes. I'll now give you one of many possible answers to your question so you can sense how that place within you responds:

Allow your partner to be the one to initiate intimacy, and when he does stop him by saying there's something you want to share with him that may affect his desire. What happens next is a wonderful way to learn more about this man you are with and for him to learn more about you. The benefit of this approach is you do not have to worry about when to bring up the subject.

Now I could go on and give you some radically different answers but I hope others will do that, and I hope you will enjoy exploring that place of answers within.
Reply by beccalea1187, on Thu Feb 16, 2012 3:02 pm
three ~ Ya know I think that's a really good way to approach this and I think you're right! I'm really going to take this into consideration, thanks so much!
Reply by Xerxes, on Thu Feb 16, 2012 4:10 pm

You know, this is seemingly an age old question and there are just as many good responses, some have already been given as you can see. I think it really comes down to that instant when you know that intimacy is 'ready to happen'. I have found that at this instant neither party gives a care about dealing with an issue of an ostomy. It is quickly put on the back burner so to speak. What happens thereafter is the true test and I feel this is good. At least that is what I have experienced.

Reply by ambies, on Thu Feb 16, 2012 4:24 pm
There are certain types of caps you can wear if you have a two piece bag,its a cap that clips on you can wear them when swimming,or when your wanting to be intimate,ive tried this device and its very good. As far as telling a person what you have  i my self at the time knew when it was right time to reveal as far as my ostomy. Hard to say how or what way to tell,but i think when the time is right you will know when and how. Hope some of this has been of some help..Good luck in both  tc ambies..
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Fri Feb 17, 2012 12:49 pm
Hi Becca, Sorry for being so negative the other day I m usually such a positive person but things are pretty bad between my wife an i know. I had hoped that given time we would be having a normal relationship but after 16 mths with the stoma its far from normal. I dont really know what to do. At the moment Im just sticking with it because I dont think I would be any happier on my own but I feel our marriage is dying the deaths of a thousand cuts.

I do have some advise about new relationships , not from experience but from thinking about it.  

1. I would tell the guy probbaly on the 3rd or 4 th date before it got any further than petting.
This is before either of you get to attached
2. I would email them or write to them giving them an easy unembarrasing way out. You have to be brave here but if the guy doesnt call he is dirt and isnt worth bothering with
3. Be prepared to be hurt but never forget 85% of the population are nicepeople just a bit screwed up and 100% all want to be loved

With regards clothing, I have always thought it was easier for a lady. Wear your nomal pouch and I think they are called a lacy teddy, sort of all in one. Lets be honest here guys are after 3 things ( two uptop and one down stairs !!!!) if they can see teh pouch they aint going to worry about it.

Good luck
Ady X
Reply by christiesdad, on Fri Feb 17, 2012 1:44 pm
I see that all the usual coments have already been made;
"If he really loves you, it won't get in the way".  Thats true,
but by the time the love thing is beginning to happen, you will have already
gotten to the exploring stage.  While the theory is admirable, it just don't hold water.

As far as clothes. covers,etc. goes, "that dog won't hunt either",
you are starting off with trying to deceive,  a bad thing.
There is no advice that will work every time, but I DO have an idea, try it on for size.

Instead of just coming out and telling the guy to see how he reacts try this;
Begin by telling him about an "aquaintance" of yours,(a guy or a girl who has this
bag that they must wear constantly. And that they are afraid to tell for fear
of losing the prospective date.  Say," do you think that is right for other people to feel
like they don't want to date anyone with a bag?"  " My "aquaintance" is really haveing a bad time
with this problem,"  "what do you think?"
If nothing else it will give you an insight as to how your potential date will react to the situation.

as everyone else............I too wish you luck and well being

P.S. By the way there are single guys in this with them and see what their feelings
        are, after all they are "wearing " too
Reply by Jupiter, on Sat Feb 18, 2012 12:49 am
Let the relationship develop awhile to see if you think he meets your standards. [need to know basis]  At that point be honest if he walks he wasn't right for you any way.----- Brad-----
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Feb 19, 2012 4:15 pm
Three has good advice.

May I make so bold that you show him such a good time, your bag won't even come into it.

When I was first fitted with a Stoma, I was in an induced coma for 5 weeks. My partner and my son sat either side of my bed coming up with ideas for bag covers (I know there are companies that do this). I have a strong passion for motorcycling, so you can imagine the idea of leather covers.......

What I am trying to say is make light of your situation as much as you can. Take life as it comes, and sad as it is, if your man can't handle your situation, then he ain't the one!!
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Feb 19, 2012 4:17 pm

Just seen this advertised here on the forum. May be worth a shot!
Reply by Immarsh, on Mon Feb 20, 2012 2:18 am
Hi Becca,

My name is Marsha, and I've had my ileostomy since I was 15 years old....and that was more than 45 years ago.  It wasn't easy back then, and in the 18 years since I've been divorced, I've relived the "telling" over and over.

What a group of us, young adult ostomates decided back in the 1960's was that it's better to be the one to decide when to tell rather than feel pressured or "caught".    I decided that if a guy's hands were going below my neck  then I'd be the one to say....we need to talk.

It worked for me then...and it continues to work now.  Back then, it could take months to get to that point....  Sadly, social mores have changed through the decades, so the " reveal" happens these days sometime around the second or third date.   I've found that some men have absolutely no problem with the ostomy, or my scars....and laugh at my attempts to "hide" it with some sort of pouch cover.

A few years ago, I told a guy I thought would understand, and he couldn't get out of the restaurant we were in  fast enough,  Later, he told me he had a real problem with it, so that was that.  

  I started to see someone a few weeks ago, and when it seemed appropriate ( wandering hands) I told him about the surgery.    He seemed to have no problem with it, and  we  probably shouldn't have gone any further.

But things did progress.....   Without going into details.....without the layers of clothes....the in-opportune "gurgling"  became disruptive.     In retrospect, that's what he said he couldn't handle.   In this case, I think it was too much....too soon.  But then, I'd rather know sooner than later.  

So there are no really easy or right answers.  My ostomy  is my "battle scar", and I know that if someone is really going to care about me, it won't make a difference.  But I learned something by getting involved a little "too soon".    It can take someone a little more time to understand, and accept..... and I have to be willing to give them that opportunity.  

Best of luck to you.

Reply by sunshine9, on Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:02 pm
Hi Becca, I am a 39 year old single mom of 2 and I'm dealing with the same questions that you are. I have had some very bad reactions but some good as well.I think after a few dates is the best time because they are not in too deep yet. Also sending them a link about an ostomy is a good idea as well because some people just don't understand what it is and how it works.I'm still looking for the right guy and I'm sure there is somebody out there for us both. Good luck and if you ever want to chat you can send me a message whenever you want Smile
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