How to disclose an ostomy to a new partner?

Hi all...

I have had a total colectomy due to colon cancer. Everything is internal in my case, but still something that I must talk to those I date/like about. My diet is limited to mostly white foods, roughage and whole grains don't get tolerated very well.

I take a combo of Imodium 3x a day with a fiber drink like Citracell 2x a day to help solidify the poop more like a normal bowel movement vs constant diarrhea.

But telling someone that I had colon cancer and had an operation to completely remove it and survive would be the first thing I told them in this discussion. That usually leads to a bit of sympathy and a question on what I can eat and what I can do. When to tell? When you meet someone and you think it clicks on many levels and before you get intimate. It's hard, I know. But I also have herpes, and that has support groups and meetup sites and singles dating sites and it is even harder to have that conversation because it is something that is transmissible.

So having a bag, which I have heard good and bad about, is one thing, but it's just part of you. If they can't accept it, they may not be the right fit for the long run. Definitely a website that has the right info as a referral for them is good too.

I am hoping to meet someone on this site for dating who can accept my dietary challenges, smelly poop, beating cancer, as well as safe sex and herpes. Please send me a note if you are interested and best to all.

Robin

Hello Jazzygirl52,
Why do you feel the need to tell a person you may date for only a few times (if you don't like him or vice versa) that you have a colectomy? Which, as you say, is internal.
Okay, the diet problem may be something someone would ask you questions about. So if you go on a date, decide to go where an activity that doesn't mean having a meal. See a movie or a play or go to a museum.
I would say for sure not to tell a date everything until you have been out with him for at least a dozen or so times. If his feelings are real and you think the relationship could develop, then you start with the herpes, as I would think this kind of information would be more of a thing that would affect them in a more personal way. Guess you could say that someone will go or stay with that kind of information. For me, I think to tell the most serious facts about yourself first means if they can take that on board, then the rest which is more of a problem for you should be less of a ball breaker.
I think too if you do tell any date about your health issues, I would put it in not a dramatic way, more light-hearted.
Hope I have given you some kind of help.
I do wish you lots of luck with any future date. Just take it a day at a time.
Gee07

Thanks G--

Appreciate your thoughts and suggestions!

I do think the sharing process of personal info in dating has to happen sooner than 12 weeks--
Most singles that I know usually get more intimate after 3-4 dates/weeks... So before that happens, I would have a few conversations about health and life experiences. I prefer to date men who have HSV already-- there is a dating site or 3 or 4 for that as at least 1/4 peeps have it.
Avoiding food conversations can work, I guess, if the dates are diet-friendly:)

Robin

Hey all, when I met my partner, I told her pretty much straight away. We knew each other for a while before we started "dating". I was open and upfront about it, and hey, 14 years down the road, we're still together. If the person wants to be with you, they will accept that you have a stoma and maybe sometimes you will "fart" at the wrong moment, or in my case, piss on them!!

Be lucky, people.

Hi, I've had an ileostomy for quite a long time now and coping with it as well as anyone.

When I got divorced 10+ years ago, I worried that my sex life was over as no one would want to sleep with someone like me with a bag stuck on their stomach. I was feeling a bit down and felt sorry for myself.

My approach was somewhat different to what seems to be the regular advice given here.

Initially, I ventured into the strange unknown world of massage parlors, and discovered that Manchester, not too far away, had an abundance of them. Lacking in confidence, I was initially apprehensive about entering one of these establishments, but finally took the plunge. The ladies I met were very welcoming, most saw the elasticated belt I was wearing and immediately guessed what it was covering, telling me they'd had many clients with a bag before and not to worry. It may be looked down on by some, but it certainly picked me up at a time when I was feeling pretty low and needed picking up.

Reassured that such things were still possible for someone like me, my next step was speed-dating. Initially nervous and embarrassed to be there, there was absolutely no need to be, as everyone was in the same boat. Over the next couple of years, I went numerous times, only actually paying the first time. After that, the organizer would ring me up, usually on the afternoon before one of his nights, saying he had more ladies booked than men, would I like to come for free? This tactic then enabled him to accept more paying ladies. It seems there are more mature ladies wanting his services than mature men. Who was I to complain?

I did also try computer dating, but I much preferred speed-dating, where you at least had 5 minutes face to face with someone before arranging a date, so had at least an idea of what to expect.

Every post about 'when to tell' says to discuss it beforehand. Quite honestly, I have never done that. Quite the opposite in fact. Each new relationship I have had, the first time we had sex was exactly the same as if I did not have a bag, and I did not mention it. I would always make sure the bag was empty, and held firmly in place by an elasticated belt, (usually a hernia support belt supplied free by the NHS). I now have several in various colors to match what I am wearing.

First-time embarrassment maybe, but none of the ladies ever said a thing that first time. Then, on the second or third time, I would be asked why I was wearing the belt. I would brush it off by a casual 'Oh, I had an operation there a few years ago, nothing to worry about' and ended the discussion. Usually the next time, I would be pressed for more information, when I would answer the question, but without going into too much detail. Eventually, I would go on to explain fully, but by then we would probably have slept together up to half a dozen times, so there was no need for me to say anything about it not affecting me in any way as they already knew.

Also, in a way in which I didn't so much when I was younger, I always went out of my way to ensure that she enjoyed herself fully, and wanted to do it again. Looking back, I was a more selfish lover in my younger days. Had I tried to explain before we had actually done it, I think we both would have found it embarrassing. Waiting until after, she knew fully what it was like, and exactly what to expect from a relationship with me.

Admittedly this is from a man's perspective, so I cannot say it will work the same way for a woman, but when it comes to first-time sex with a new partner, confidence is the key. A confident woman, with her empty bag covered by a suitable sexy suspender belt should be able to steer her partner's hands away from her bag without going into intimate detail about past surgery. The new partner will probably be too unsure to ask too much on that first occasion. After that, he knows enough of what is possible for him to then be told a little more if you choose.

As I said at the start, not the usual advice, just what has worked for me.

I take a different approach, since I am a colon / colorectal cancer survivor, I have the right to feel good about still being here and have no problem acknowledging that I have an ileostomy. Surprisingly, everyone around me seems to have no problem with it, and I assume this is because I make no big deal of it.
You may want to read my interview with a student journalist which was published in "The Rogue Magazine", you can read the article in my blog or at:
https://theroguemagblog.wordpress.com/2015/10/22/whats-in-a-bag/

Also, I posted the pictures of the article in "my Photos"

Hello from Maine. I am here to let you know you are never alone. I send my salutations to my fellow ostomate.

You be absolutely truthful and to the point. If they leave and do not give you a chance, then they weren't worth it in the first place. Offer them a chance to ask any and all questions so they can understand.

I do not see postings about colostomy irrigation on many sites. However, if you are able (check with your doctor), it could be a game changer. I irrigate daily (most of the time) or every other day and 95-97% of the time I do not have any output from my stoma. I put a small "cap" (2-3" diameter, 1 piece) to cover the stoma for any unexpected.
Be happy to offer more info for those who are interested. You must have a colostomy, at the least.

Don't use the coward's way by using email!!!!

Face the man. Get used to the new you. Be proud.