How to disclose an ostomy to a new partner?

So what I can gather, Prime is taking out your glass eye and false teeth along with a wooden leg is fine but informing someone on initial contact that you have an ostomy is not?

I may be confused here??

I suppose that being up front and truthful may be the best policy concerning the bag, especially on the first date. But would you be honest enough to tell your date on the first date, especially if it were a dinner date, that you hope they understand, but you are suffering from an acute case of diarrhea?
So, as I have said before, if you don't plan to go from the supper club directly to the motel there is no reason to "confess" on the first date that you are wearing the bag. If you are a woman having your period, do you feel it necessary to confess that too?

No, let it ride for a couple of times. It may break off for some reason other than the bag, anyway.

The one thing for sure is for you to exude confidence and conduct yourself in all situations like it is "no big deal"! That is what I have been doing for 18 months. Also, I have worn an 'ace' bandage wrapped around it with the woman I am seeing now. She wouldn't mind if I didn't. In fact, she is curious about it. I tell people "it's just a small opening, and I have like a bandage over it. Some people have said to me, "isn't there like a tube".

In other words, like many things in life, we usually conjure up a scenario that is much worse than reality. People's thoughts and emotions take over and replace reality. Try to find and be with people who are open, calm, cool, compassionate types; and when dating, people who have experienced some adversity in some form in their life. These kinds of people are evolved and will, in my view, be more able to understand and accept.

KEY: Act at all times like 'it's a piece of cake' and has no adverse effect on anyone other than what is in their minds. Just more challenging in certain ways. Like millions of others with other conditions who have partners and date.

Right on!!!

No confusion, Kenny.    Prime's comments just reminded me of that little parody.....as folks have surmised here, the "right" time to tell someone about your ostomy really lies in the eye of the beholder.    SigmoidFreud's comments pretty much sum things up for me.

Darla

Bag drag,

Sigmund also said "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

X_

Very true, Xerxes.

I recently told a female friend that I have an ileostomy. Her response:
"Oh, so you have outdoor plumbing?"

I loved that!

Wonderful response!  And a wonderful friend, too!

Darla

Hi all

I have been reading some of these responses and they are good. My question is, how many people are in a good relationship? How many people tell white lies? Maybe we have been in relationships where we keep little secrets. All habits we have to change. For the first time in our life, we have to be upfront and honest, a bit like a poker game. You have to know when to hold them and know when to fold them, and know when to run.

I went on this dating site and put a profile on there, and I was honest in saying that I really love home-cooked meals. So, I hope you can cook, and that I have grandkids that will keep you busy as well, and in between, you will be busy cleaning up after me. See, now I just have to tell them about the ostomy. You would not believe the responses I received. Most of the women were happy that I am so honest, then I tell them about cleaning the fish! Most are still in. LOL. Most of all, I am meeting new people with something in common, in that we are all looking for a relationship. I am single though, so maybe I should stick to the white lies, like a very tall 5'7" full of energy or s%$t. Do you see the bag as half full or half empty? Kinda sh t.

Like your comment, Xerxes. Gee07.

I think telling all must be down to how well you can take rejection if it comes, and it will with some people. Age of the person and how well you know them. For me, I would never tell early on in a friendship. If that person should decide to walk away and knowing some personal information on you, they may not keep it to themselves. It's fine if you don't mind others knowing, but if you are thinking of telling or not, then you do mind. So then it is a case of only telling those you want to know. There are ways for a female to hide the bag with clever sexy underwear, so if it's a hot time you are after, then you don't need to say anything. This comment is to all in general. Gee07

Thank you so much "X". However, since everyone is expressing an opinion on this subject in an un-antagonistic manner, I fail to see what the point is of trying (unsuccessfully, I might add) to demean me or anyone else for their expressions. Thank you very much!

Check out my comment at the end of the last page of this subject.

Comes to mind a quote, taken completely out of context, and I might add I take a certain license with, from Winston Churchill,

"Never before, have so many, done so little, for so few, with so much"

An old golfing buddy of mine, who was so much better at the sport than I, once admonished me

that "unsolicited advice was the most useless commodity in the world"

In my final comment to the lady in question: You will have to figure it out for yourself.

I wish you well and good luck in your endeavor.

Christiesdad,

Perhaps you should spend less time in front of the mirror and listening to playbacks of your own voice and read more intensely. My comment to which you refer was made to Primeboy's lyrics that he posted from Spike Jones. It had nothing to do with the theme of the posting. So, put down your poison pen and lighten up and reread my post.

X_

X,
You were right. I did miss that your remarks were directed to PB's post. I guess I really put my foot in my mouth. I will be more careful and observant from now on.

I really appreciate your admonishment and advice. I will only look in the mirror from now on when someone tells me I should... however, I don't quite know what you meant by "read more intensely"?

Christiesdad,

Nice to see that someone admits when they misunderstood something. I appreciate it. TY.

X_

I have just started dating again after being married for most of my life. My first date went like this - he told me about his grandkids, how drunk he got the night before and had a hangover, and at this point, I just wanted to get out of there and the opportunity arose. He said, "I have a pacemaker." I told him I got one up on you - I have a colostomy. Never saw him again. Will be meeting another gentleman for coffee this week - hope this works out better than the last one. Just a note - my husband couldn't deal with the colostomy, but that was his problem, not mine. I was the same person but with added baggage. Sorry for the pun, but I really find humor in having an ostomy.

Hi Callie, I had the same problem. I got on with the person I was dating and on the second one, I told him I had an ileostomy and I never heard again.

Hi
I have managed to have a sexual relation without him finding out. Even though I was worrying and maybe feel guilty not told him.(!)
Didn't eat all that day, nerves, so that may have helped keep bag from filling!
The answer was to place bag on sideways
Cover area with band of black nylon, similar to some ladies boxers in black nylon, (by which I mean kind of wore around my abdomen, and my back) and also wore a soft sexy basque. Had to keep watch on where hands wandered too! But all in all, a success!

Response!!??

How do you think he will react once he has found out that you have one? I have had a relationship with one guy but it ended as we weren't compatible, being honest is the best way. You went to great lengths to conceal it, how long can you keep that up for and if you fall in love, what then.

Lucky man getting to see you in a sexy basque!
If you only want a quickie I can't see any problems, but if you want a relationship it needs trust and love.

If you have to hide yourself, you're definitely not ready for a sexual relationship.
Just my opinion. Value and honor yourself. The rest will follow.

[snip]

This made me think of a song by the late George Younce... a wonderful parody sung to the tune of "Side by Side!"  

[snip]
This was meant solely as something to make us smile... not to insult or make light of a sensitive and powerful subject/thread.   Sometimes we need a laugh to get us through the day!
    

This sidetrack conversation reminds me of a joke I heard on Johnny Carson that went something like:

A man married the most beautiful woman in the world and on their wedding night, when she removed her makeup, he realized she was ugly.   Then she removed her wig and he realized she was bald.   She removed her bra and he realized she was flat-chested.   She kept removing things... and removing things... until he realized...
He was all alone in the room.   

It went something like that.   

Only me,

"Oh what a tattered web we weave when we practice to deceive."

X_

I hear ya! I really worried about that when I started dating again. I am 42 and divorced, by the way. I have found that when the relationship starts getting more physical, it's best to have "the talk". I sit them down in person and in private and say that I need to tell them something about myself so that it's not a surprise. I then take their hand and place it on the bag and say, "Can you feel that?" Then I tell them that I have Crohn's disease and that a few years ago, it was necessary to remove my colon, so I now have this bag instead. I ask them if they have questions, and I usually ask them how they feel about that. I will tell you that I have never had anyone reject me. It has actually been a non-issue. I wouldn't bother telling someone sooner than that. Let the relationship progress a little first. As far as during intimacy, I generally tape my bag to my body, and I usually wear a camisole top or tank top. I do like to cover it, but I have also found that this is MY issue, NOT theirs. I have had the comment more than once that they would rather I showed my body. It doesn't bother them. I think if you are confident about yourself, the rest takes care of itself.

You're absolutely right. It's a matter of confidence. I wear an opaque appliance (thank you, Dansac). About 12 years ago, I re-met my high school boyfriend. I was kind of horrified as he remembered a very nubile 17-year-old. (I'm now 67). But he did the most wonderful thing. He put his hand on my abdomen, after I told him all that had transpired, and he said "I love this part of you because it has allowed us to meet again." Unfortunately, we did not get along in other areas, but he hit the nail on the head with that statement. If someone really cares about you, they will appreciate your life-saving surgery.

I am only just over 3 months out of the hospital. I spent 6 months "on tour" at various hospitals with not 1 but 2 emergency surgeries. First one gave me an ileostomy that didn't work. New one does. (Whew!)
I am just starting to be able to walk straight after having to favor the scar so long. The bag is one thing but the deep scar with an illusion of rolls alongside is what makes me feel unattractive. And yet!! ...my libido is back...hahaha. I surprise myself!
I have nervously tried a traditional website for dating but found that even without having to reveal my "condition" it has been hard to find someone that resonates with my spiritual walk. I figure that someone with a desire to live consciously will also be more inclined to be accepting of my "outdoor plumbing" (Love that line!)
Alllll that said, I think it will probably be in the presentation of the info that sets the tone....just like a couple of members have mentioned. If I present it kindly and with optimism it would be the same as how I present myself even without this situation. And if it isn't received well after that, then better to know now. It helps me to see alllll people as wonderful magnificent beings. Just that some are not going to resonate with me.

Lisbett

I always make sure to empty the bag before intimacy. Then I either keep a shirt on or wear a tube top around the bag. Gives complete coverage.

Hey there,

Well, I have read through all your wonderful ideas and advice. I like the fact that I can now call the bag a bandage; it's really cool. I have been dating this guy and he's such a gentleman, retired from the military. I somewhat feel he would probably understand, having been in the military. Well, after reading through, especially Jeffrey's message, I realize it's not fair not to mention my bandage.

Last night, we had a wonderful time at his place. He cooked and we watched a movie. He never rushed into kissing, just stroking and holding my hand. Each time he tried to hold my stomach, I would find a way to push him off. At one point, I realized he was staring at my stomach. He walked me to my car and surprisingly kissed me. I didn't expect it. So it ended up like one of those rushed kisses that end up on half cheek and half lip...lol

He waited for me to leave. He already sent me a text saying he likes me...my answer...that's nice to know. Okay, the thing about our dating is...we met at the post office. On our telephone conversation, he told me he is looking for a very serious relationship, a wife. I was honest with him from day one. When he gave me his number, I told him this is something I don't do. Anyway, on our first date, I told him I would only like to be friends, but somehow I feel he's into me and I know I should tell him. It's not that I don't want to. I just don't know how to start. It's sooooooooooo hard. I have no problem with being rejected. That's what life is, and moving on. This may sound silly, but does anyone have suggestions? I don't want to show him a video. I tried it once with an ex-boyfriend. He quickly said, "Is that it?" We went into a serious relationship, but I noticed he was becoming distant after four years. I pushed him away because I was scared. I am very attractive but sometimes put myself down. Well, the ex-boyfriend and I took a little break. I reached a point where I was really ready to commit with him. I called him to tell him how much I loved him and wanted us to be serious. He told me he got married last week. I have never dated ever since for 7 years. Don't feel sorry for me. It's made me stronger. This is why I find it safe to tell them I am looking for a friend. It's easier to tell a friend than someone who wants more. I feel it gives me a more controlling part, and I will never be hurt again. If he walks...oh well, we started as friends and we will still be friends.