How to disclose an ostomy to a new partner?

Actually, PB, I was referring to you as the Bard. You did get the meaning as I see it.

X_

Your intent, X, was prima facie evident with your use of the lowercase "b" in Bard. Somewhere back in school, I learned that everything worth feeling or thinking had been enunciated by Shakespeare somewhere. To this day, I remain continually awe-struck at Willy's unparalleled apprehension of the entire spectrum of human thought and emotion.

Yes PB and now the real mystery, was he the illegitimate son of Queen Elizabeth I and Thomas Seymour? I wish that somehow Will would have let us know.

X_

Perhaps he did, X. There's an entire dictionary of Shakespeare insults, and one of the more frequently occurring insults includes the word "whoreson." Some examples are "whoreson caterpillar," "whoreson greasy tallow-catch," and, my favorite, "whoreson zed." If the Bard thought for one second that he was illegitimate, he might have toned down all this particular rhetoric. Still, I know his parents, John and Mary, brought him up better.

By the way, X, how did a thread which began by asking advice on informing dating partners about ostomies end up in our discussing some centuries-old indiscretion? No doubt many readers might consider our digression a custom more honored in the breach than in the observance.

PB

At times, some do not mind being swept away by the breach, and observance will follow soon, surely. A little light entertainment at times is very therapeutic and allows us all to enjoy the fruits of life.

But back to the thread, I feel if you are up front with someone from the start, you will find the real person from the onset and not when it gets too deep and hurts far more. The person who respects you for what you are and not what you have is the person for you.

PB,

Could that have been John de Vere, the supposed stepfather of Will and the 16th Earl of Oxford? Anyway, I am sorry for somehow guiding the thread away from its purpose. Kenny T, you say it so eloquently when describing how the other person should be told.

X_

Well said, X. All's well that ends well... (sorry).

PB

This thread digression was brought to you by the number 7, the word "whore-son", and by the letters PB X. If you do find yourself with that "special someone", here is how to inform them you are an ostomate. First, engage them in conversation, keep it light, not too serious, then ask the question out of the blue. "Say, have you ever seen an ostomate before?" They will look at you kinda odd at first, but then smile and most likely say "No... No I have not." Then at this point, you spring up to your feet, pull up your shirt, exposing your ostomy and yell out! "WELL HERE IS ONE!! TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT IT!!!!" Now, at this point, one of two things will happen. First, that "special someone" will look at you in complete horror and bolt for the door... OR, said "special someone" will burst out laughing. If this happens, then that "special someone" is a keeper! If they bolt... well... keep looking, that person was not worthy of you!
Hope this helps!!! LOL!!
DG44

Hey DG,

How are you? I see you don't warm up in the bullpen. You just come in throwing fastballs.

X_

PB,

You are the class of the classiest.

X_

Love this thread -- though somewhat digressing from the original query.

I've just learned to irrigate and found it very helpful. I can now wear just a bandage (which I don't feel very secure with) or a minicap which secures to a flange which doesn't look like much more than a bandage. And psychologically, it helps me past the bag image. I don't think everyone can irrigate, depends on your situation, but something to consider? However you do it, you need to get past your own feelings of being bagged (I know I'm not there yet!) before you can feel confident that broaching the subject will not have adverse repercussions on your developing relationship. But as others have said, the keepers won't care one way or the other.

Hey dentalguy. One small problem here. If I pull up my shirt, the only thing anyone would see is my bra and part of a scar. I'd have to pull down my pants -- love your idea, but don't think it would work for those of us with ostomies below the waist!! You gave me a good laugh, though. Thanks.

X is right, DG, you come out throwing fastballs. Perhaps there's truth in the old saying that the best defense is a good offense; but I am not sure you want to be too offensive with that "special someone" early in the relationship. Remember that night scene in Jaws aboard the Orca when Quint and Chiefy gradually revealed their scars and wounds with panache and delicacy. I was touched by their sensitivity and manly pride. There's no need to jump up and shout out loud, scaring the bejesus out of your partner. Set the proper mood with a little background music, perhaps from the Jaws soundtrack. Begin by showing her one of your dentures. She'll reciprocate in her own way. Then, remove your wig or perhaps undo a prosthesis.    Before long you'll know whether you have a keeper or a memory. Good luck!    
PB

I am not even going to try to comment on the previous expostulations of my intellectual superiors.
As I would make myself out to be a fool,

However, concerning the dating problem..............I think that most of the problem consists of, at first glance of a potential date, becoming concerned about the date discovering that one does wear "the bag". Somehow or other, it occurs to me that unless one plans to hop in the sack on the first date, there should not be a problem. I wore a bag for a year (then had a successful reversal). But during that year, I didn't feel it necessary to tell everyone I met that I had the bag. (I know we are talking about dating here) but the point is, it should not even come up, let alone blab out that you are "wearing". Wait until it seems as though you are near to entering that stage. Give it some thought but do not rush to doom.
You should be able to, after dating for a while, figure out how your date is going to react to the confession you render.

PB,

I can't stop laughing. Such prose. You might add that from her perspective, she can take you home in pieces.

X_

I am afraid that acquainting Quint and Chiefy to someone letting a potential partner is drawing a very long bow.

If someone is right for you, they are from the very beginning PB, and that is not hard to see. If they dislike you because you have a pouch, then not much will change, and you at least have the ability to ascertain that early on rather than prolonging the agony as such. As I said earlier, prime people will love you for what you are and not what you have. Easy.

Not at all, CD. You may have rightly noticed that some of us are unabashed exemplars of attention deficit disorder. We digress beyond reason at almost every opportunity. So, my question is, why stop now?

Back in the 50's there was a very popular tune called "Among My Souvenirs." I am sure you remember it well. Vera Lynn, Judy Garland and, later, Connie Francis all kept it on the Hit Parade for years. Anyway, there was an alternate version of the lyrics that describes the plight of a fellow who found out about his lover's physical exceptionalities a little late in their relationship. This unfortunate situation clearly relates to the primary theme in our current thread: "open communications early on."    I think Spike Jones was behind this version which I am sure you'll enjoy.

She took out her glass eye
Her false teeth on the sly
And gently laid them down
Upon the chiffonier
Her lovely wooden leg
She hung upon a peg
And oh my eye was filled
With many a bitter tear

Her lovely golden hair
She hung upon the chair
And what was left of her
Slipped in between the blankets.
I looked at her and said
"Don't think I'll come to bed
I'll stay out here instead
Among my souvenirs"

Not altogether off track!

Wait a minute while I gather my thoughts.

So take a brief to ensure that you wait to take out your glass eye and false teeth.
Her lovely wooden leg would surely have been a giveaway but then again......

Nothing here is probably off track but deceiving people probably is.

I really adore people who intend to deceive from the word go. It really has an entrancing effect and ensures that the person I am attempting to touch base with is instantly out the door due to their totally inconsiderate action in being so untruthful.

If you meet someone and you feel you may need to have a relationship with them, let them know. If they are not truthful with you, do you really think they were the people for you?

I am not an unabashed exemplar of attention deficit, ooh look, there's a chicken!

Well said DG, I'm with you. I always say right from the start, "I'm a bag man." It's a personal choice whether you tell someone the first time you meet them or not. There is no right or wrong way, just what's right for you at the time. But talking about it with a sense of humor helps to make someone who doesn't know anything about ostomies feel at ease. From over 20 years of experience, most people say, "Is that all it is?"

I thought this was a forum where we can all say what we think?

I can see it, Lobster...

Sorry for the double post. I am not sure why it did so.

Hi Kenny T,

I am not totally sure about that. I, and this is not unique to me I am sure, met someone who I thought was right for me until I realized that she was totally delusional and psychotic (oops, is that redundant?). Stay well, Kenny T.

X_

Glad to see I ruffled some feathers out there in Ostomy land!! Love the Jaws setting PB!! And "Among My Souvenirs" AWESOME!! And the mighty X comment as well!! Panther experience DOES count, if you can't have a sense of humor about the poop leach, you will never get past it, and it will cripple anything you try to do in life from relationships to careers!! "I can't do this because..... I can't do that because...." It's all a state of mind!!! YOU CAN!!... You just have to try.....oh one more thing...fastballs are my specialty!!

I think that it is always better to just be honest right at first and do it with a sense of humor! And if someone cannot handle it well then... they just aren't the one for you...

=)
J.J

I've had my temporary ileostomy for four months and believe I'll have it at least for the following six months, maybe a year, maybe forever.

I just recently started seeing somebody. For my advantage, I knew him already since last year, so before my operation. He was a friend I met via work. We were not close, but had some nice encounters a few times. Anyway, two weeks ago we met again at one concert. I realized that he was interested in me more than as a friend. And of course, I liked him. So, after the concert, we went for a drink and I said, I should tell him something... So, I told him carefully that I was in the middle of a pipe repair... And then of course in a more serious way what it is about. He took it very well. Asked all kinds of straightforward questions and told me it's the feeling that counts. And then he kissed me for the first time after that chat. Now things have progressed and I can say, he meant it - it does not matter, at least not in the big picture. I feel we can now learn to know more about each other in peace and see how serious this encounter will go... Life will show.

I do believe that if someone is freaked out about such a thing as a stoma, or just can't handle it, he/she is not the right person for you to be around. Our illnesses teach us a lot about priorities in life, what really matters. If the other person is not even close to being on the same level with that kind of understanding, your paths are not meant to merge maybe to teach you something but not to merge.

If you can hear your own heart, you can hear his as well.

Good luck, everybody. Let's be proud of who we are.

Lumme,

That was wonderfully said from the heart. Thank you.

X_

Sorry, very different for me. My wife left me over this. I have had my ileostomy for 2 1/2 years. I have met some that it doesn't matter, but for the most part it does. Good luck to everyone out there, just be honest with yourself.

Not at all, CD. You may have rightly noticed that some of us are unabashed exemplars of attention deficit disorder. We digress beyond reason at almost every opportunity. So, my question is, why stop now?

Back in the 50's there was a very popular tune called "Among My Souvenirs." I am sure you remember it well. Vera Lynn, Judy Garland and, later, Connie Francis all kept it on the Hit Parade for years. Anyway, there was an alternate version of the lyrics that describes the plight of a fellow who found out about his lover's physical exceptionalities a little late in their relationship. This unfortunate situation clearly relates to the primary theme in our current thread: "open communications early on."    I think Spike Jones was behind this version which I am sure you'll enjoy.

She took out her glass eye
Her false teeth on the sly
And gently laid them down
Upon the chiffonier
Her lovely wooden leg
She hung upon a peg
And oh my eye was filled
With many a bitter tear

Her lovely golden hair
She hung upon the chair
And what was left of her
Slipped in between the blankets.
I looked at her and said
"Don't think I'll come to bed
I'll stay out here instead
Among my souvenirs"

PB-

This made me think of a song by the late George Younce......a wonderful parody sung to the tune of "Side by Side!"    


The words go something like this:

We got married last Friday
My girl was right there beside me
Our friends were all gone
And we were alone...
Side by Side.

We were so happily wed, when
she got ready for bed, then...
Her teeth and her hair
She placed in a chair
Side by Side.

One glass eye so tiny
One hearing aide so small
Then she took one leg off
and placed on the chair by the wall....

I sat there broken hearted
Most of my girl had departed
I slept on the chair....there was more of her there....
SIDE BY SIDE!    

This was meant solely as something to make us smile....not to insult or make light of a sensitive and powerful subject/thread.    Sometimes we need a laugh to get us through the day!

Darla