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caused by surgery or not?

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Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 5:30 am
Hi guys, I'm confused by my body - the background is: I've known a guy for about seven years, I used to see him standing very quietly with his mates at a night club I used to go to, and he'd occasionaly be looking at me, to cut a long story short, it took five years for me to be the one to approach him and say 'hi'. I was married at the time (getting divorced now), and there was no way I would be anything more than friends. We danced occasionally (he obviously plucked up the confidence!) I gave him my number to text as a friend, we kept in contact via email/text throughout my illness, and I was honest what was wrong with me, my operations, wearing a wig at the time when the infection and severe anorexia made my hair fall out. I left my husband last year as he was a real 'Jekyl and Hyde', one day being the most caring, supportive guy a girl could wish for, the next very nasty/spiteful/threatening, and eventually his abusive behaviour made me hit rock bottom when I was in hospital again. Since then, until recently, I hadn't seen my friend at all, as I stopped going to the club because I moved nearer to my work, and we never saw each other out of it. He has now been to see me 5 times, texted me while away on holiday with mates abroad. I was terrified of being 'intimate' with him, partly because of 'henrietta', my stoma, and the fact I'd had rejection from my husband long before I had my first stoma, low self-esteem etc. I've found someone who is truly genuine, he says it doesn't change who I am. We have been sexual twice now, and I wear a clingy top that I just pull the top down on and let it cover my bag, which I've already emptied beforehand and taped up out of view - he has said he would not know I had one, if I hadn't told him lol! The 'confusion' bit is this: I've bled slightly both times, I'm 47, have two grown up children, and it feels like my already retroverted uterus has 'shifted' further since my last operation in February, I'm wondering whether this is the operation, my age or enforced celibacy for so long - I'm shy to ask my consultant, and yes there is pain afterwards, which I hide very well, I don't want to let him think he's hurt me at all
Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 7:54 am
well, 47 is not old -so I for one dont think its your age or being inactive sexually for a long time that causing the pain. I do think you should tell your Dr about the pain asap to get his opinion on if he thinks its a good idea to continue being intimate -and if theirs a chance the pain could get worse by causing some damage to your Uterus.
Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 1:47 pm
hi

Have you been keeping up to date with your smear tests, I am only asking because I have a friend who had similar probs.
Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 8:35 pm
Dont think your uterus has anything to do with it.  Going so long without sex your vagina almost returns to a virgin like state,  and has to be stetched out gradually like it did when you were a virgin.  Remember how the first few times you were slightly uncomfortable during sex?  Then as you had coitus more and more,  it became all pleasure, and you never thought of pain anymore.  So I say...GET out and USE that thing MORE, GIRL, and everything will be fine.
Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 2:38 pm
A trip to the OBGYN is a good idea honey.  You could have something like a fibroid causing that......but of course bleeding can happen sometimes for various reasons.....but anything out of the ordinary for you should be looked at, but not to worry, almost every possible reason is usually manageable and nothing serious..............but cover all bases to make sure, ok honey?  Let us know how you're doing Smile xoxo
  Past Member
Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:02 pm
1st, to wait 5 years to talk to someone must be a record, or you're both members of the procrastinators club.  On a more important note, I would without doubt call and see your doctor ASAP.  After all you've been through, every dr. and nurse knows all about your "private" stuff, and to not discuss this would be a huge mistake.  To go through all we have all been through and to find out too late that some other issue makes you very sick again would be terrible and extremely depressing.  Call the Dr., make an appt., go see him/her and explain in detail, and get better.  I personally do NOT think sex has anything at all to do with the bleeding, you don't say if the pain in in your uterus area or vaginal area, that makes a big difference.  Call the Dr,!!!  Good luck sweetie, glad you found an understanding guy
Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:29 am
I so glad I read your post. I have not had sex for over 6 yrs. I had cervical cancer and had some of the vagina taken away, it was also damaged during the internal and external radiation in received. I also had fistula going from the bowel to the vagina. To be honest Iv been too sick to think about sex until recently.  Since I had the ileostomy and urostomy done I hav'nt felt , for want of a better word ,attractive. My husband left when I first got cancer and we never had that good a sex life but there were other issues involved in that. But recently I began to really miss affection and wonder will I ever feel attractive again. I did ask my surgeon did he think it would be possible for me to have sex again and he couldnt give me a definate answer but said because of the fistula he very much doubted it would be possible and the it could even be dangerous .I have to say that I felt very cheated by his response and by his attitude. I have never had the chance to have a loving relationship as my ex was very abusive and would like to at least have the opportunity to see if it would be physically possible without puting my life at risk in the process. The last smear I had ,had to be done with the smallest scope they had. After reading all your posts I think it is time to ask my gynecologist once and for all what my body is capable of. At least I know that Im not on my own with how Im feeling, thanks to all of you.xxxxxxxx
Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:53 am
well speaking to you Gynecologist is the right thing to do -because he or she is gonna have the expert opinion not you surgeon or regular Dr. You never know till you try. Their a large number of men in the second half of like that suffer from erectile dysfunction -in fact it is very common in men with ostomies and or who have had their rectum removed. But just because one cannot achieve an erection or safely have sex -doesn't mean they cant be intimate. their are all sorts of other pleasures a couple can experience together still that doesn't involve penetration. So please don't feel that because of you ostomy you now less attractive and or if you ended up not being able to have full intercourse that no man is ever gonna care about you. Your still the same person on the inside and the outside cept for a medical problem that was beyond your control.
Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 2:38 pm
Thanks Jim, its comforting to know that there are men and women who will understand and empathize with my situation. Its taken so long to be able to just get out of bed and get dressed again that Iv even forgotten how to live. I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but Its been a long journey and I did'nt think I would ever feel even half way normal again. But I think Im getting there slowly but surely. Even little things are big for me. Its nice to know there are people who understand where Im coming from and have been there to. xxxx
Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:33 pm
well, its a road we ALL have been down or are on after having to receive an ostomy. I met and talked to people over the past 10 yrs a number of them who are were happily married before they surgery and still afterwards -but they STILL suffered the same self esteem issues that you and I and everyone else in the Ostomy community. For many (myself included) the mental recovery and coming to accept our new selves is or was much more difficult to over come that the physical changes. I had self esteem isues all my life so ending up with my ostomy just magnified that -And they way i was able to overcome things was to talk to as many people as i could that who also had  been thru or was going thru the same probs i was, and more importantly start socializing again. it only took being in one relationship and seeing that my Partner was not bothered by my Ostomy the least -it let me see that I was one with the problem with it not them! and since that time with ever new lady I had dated and told about it, once i seen that it was not an issue with them, it wasn't for me = )
Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 1:26 pm
Thanks to you all, I appreciate that. I'm well overdue for a smear test, I had one a while back that was abnormal, the next was okay, but I've declined three since. I haven't been to get it checked out yet, but I think I will need to, as it's still happening, not sure WHERE the bleeding is coming from, it was just all over the sheets, but didn't want to 'look' if you know what I mean...xxx
Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 5:03 am
Most likely it is minor inflammation, if you still have some inside issues like pouchitis, but I would say things shifted from surgery mixed with the fact your lady parts have been a little neglected.  After 5 years the hymen is just as it was when you were a virgin, so that could explain the bleeding.  I would recommend more foreplay, perhaps more lubricant, or having a slower rhythm.  You will gradually stretch out inside and you'll be more comfortable... Don't worry too much.  

By the way have you looked at ostomysecrets.com? They have cute coverings for intimate moments.
Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2012 6:21 pm
I haven't read each post in this thread, but I wanted to share something.  I don't know if posting links is permitted in this forum, but I recently joined a site that specializes in dating for people that can't have, don't want to have, sex.  If you search "date 4 love", you should find it.  Or send me a PM and I will send you the link.

It's a pretty new site, but it's a great start for people like me who cannot enjoy sex, don't want to go through the BS of explaining it to a "normal" person, etc, etc.
Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 12:52 am

Hi,   My name is Marsha, and after reading your post, I knew I had to write to you...to reassure you that there's a way ( despite limitations) to be sexually intimate with a partner again.   I've had my ostomy for 50 + years, so I went through the dating routine way back then.  I ended up marrying a man with an ostomy also, and we had a satisfying, good sex life, until we divorced after 24 1/2 years. due to other issues. 

In the last 20 years I've dated some, but nothing serious, and sometimes years  went by, without an intimate relationship.   I went through my "changes", and noted the changes in my body ( vaginal irritatiion during decreasing periods, and spoke to my doctor about the dryness.  She put me on some meds a few years ago....but they didn't agree with me and caused more irritation.   Over the last 6 months, I've been in an intimate relationship with a guy who had prostate cancer last  year, and has had issues of Erectile disfunction.   With some medication ( for him) and some nice lotions ( for us), we have created a really nice and satisfying ( but yes...different) relationship.   Somehow, it's not all about intercourse and orgasm ( which has become difficult for me)  but more about meeting our individual emotional and sexual ways that work for us today.   When he says mournfully " I used to get so @#%,  I smile and say....and my boobs use to stand up.   It is what it is now....and we're enjoying what we have. 

Check with your doctor, about the ocassional bleeding.   I get irritated, and bleed easily....as do several of my friends.  For some meds or supplements work....for others not.   And as I've gotten more comfortable in my relationship.....i seem to get "wet again".   He teases me because I told him I've been like "sandpaper" inside...     Best of luck to you.

Marsha

 

Posted: Sat Nov 28, 2015 6:18 pm

Sinhead. Sounds like your op was the same as mine.+ I had my appendix burst aswell.. my vagina has been burnt away with radiotherapy &  appendix op didnt help either! ! Its impossible for me to have sex.i hope your not in the same predicament as me!! Good luck xx

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