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Feeling sorry for myself but only for a moment.

Posted by VIK, on Mon Aug 10, 2009 3:03 pm
I am feeling sorry for myself today but I can only allow myself a few minutes to wallow as I have 2 young kids depending on me and cannot afford to melt down. Usually we do great but husbands intenstianl blockages and hospital trips really trigger an onrush of sorrrow and anxiety.

-I am tired of dealing with husbands colostomy, intestinal blockages, trips to the hospital today.
I know we are so much better off than so many people simply to be functional and alive but still.
-Tired of the constant insecurity and unpredictability
-Tired of the little surprises and always having it at the back of your mind
-Sick of late night anxiety attacks
-Tired of worrying about all the sick days being taken and if this will affect having a job and being able to provide for our family
-Tired of being scared of getting close to people because they just don't understand what we deal with on a regular basis.
-Tired of physical limitations
-Tired of being consumed with guilt and worried about how this is all going to affect my kids one day and what kind of issues they will get from having a daddy that is often and suddenly sick resulting in cancelled plans
-Tired of having cancer hanging over our heads
-Tired of people being tactful and never asking
-Tired of people telling me about how fortunate we are to have survived
-Tired of secrets

sigh. ok. i feel better now. back to work.
Reply by lottagelady, on Mon Aug 10, 2009 3:28 pm
I've having a few days like that too.... I broke something that was dear to me by being stupid and doing something I knew I wasn't really capable of doing without help. That brought back to me how I used to be and although I usually manage quite well with all my lovely ailments, it just brought me to tears and I've felt like that now for a couple of days. Today, I've had a flat tyre, but fortunately have managed to get home on a temporary repair. What joys will tomorrow bring apart from a trip to KwikFit? Hopefully I will have snapped out of it and will be back to my ebullient self, but days of pain and restless nights with poor sleep eventually take their toll. It does help writing this though!
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Aug 10, 2009 4:58 pm
Dear VIK .... you are not "feeling sorry for yourself" ... that is NOT the case at all.  (hug) You might want to refer to it as "therapeutic venting" that is by far more accurate honey....and it is quite OK to do so!  Wink    In fact, it not only, hopefully, helps you to be able to write it down ad post it ... you are demonstrating positive and productive problem solving awareness skills by doing so.......but in turn, you also help others as well by posting these things......others can read this and see that they are not alone, swimming in the same sea of issues....and  you have helped them break down some of their issues and concerns as well.   Posts like yours are very valuable and important.   YOU are valuable and important.   Never cut yourself down or dishonor yourself or belittle your feelings by stating things like "feeling sorry for yourself"  negative and realistic problems affect us, that's a fact ........ I do hope you are feeling better and have stronger energies today to deal with these things....if not, drop me a line if you wish and you can bend my ear SmileSmile  Tell us how we can help you if you need us.  Smile  ~ Much Love From Your Wounded Doe
Reply by Mike, on Mon Aug 10, 2009 6:08 pm
This Kinda goes in a cycle  Easier for some to handle than others I just try to take it one day at a time
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Aug 10, 2009 7:40 pm
Vik, I'm so glad you wrote this and yet I'm so sorry you had to...I'll be thinking of you and your family.  Another reason that I am very glad you wrote this list is that people forget how these severe illnesses and their consequences affect more than just the person that's sick.  All these things weigh heavily on the care taker whether that be a spouse or parent or child.  Cancer happens to everyone that loves the person who's fighting it. It is a huge burden to carry as you walk through this difficult time in your life.  But you ARE walking through it and I applaud you for that.  You and your family will get to the other side of this one day.  If you can keep from it, try not to worry about what the other side is going to look like.  The anxiety of imagining it will just overwhelm you.
love, Lisa
Reply by weewee, on Wed Aug 12, 2009 1:47 am
to vik
well to be honest be thankfull there are people here on this site that you can relate to and vent what you need to say and they will understand and try to comfort to the best they can and you dont have to be put on drugs to cope with things
when alls you need is good friends and people that will give to their best knowlege on LISTENING and not telling you you shouldnt feel that way and everyone needs a helping EAR  you dont have to see a dumb ass doctor to tell you the samething there are lots of people that deal with stress and worry way different then others can
one of the best things i got taught was nothing can bother you unless YOU let it no matter what is said ITS STILL UPTO YOU
the best advise would be i hope you have a good ear that just will listen and not say anything venting helps
good luck and many wishes to your family
Reply by Faith4Today, on Thu Aug 13, 2009 2:35 am
You are a wonderful person.  You are teaching your children that in real life there are many trials.  Taking them one day at a time seems to help. They are learning that being married is a commitment, through good times and bad. You are giving them the hope that if they (God Forbid) become ill that there spouses will stand by them and they are learning to be compassionate.  You are showing them how to be brave and giving them the tools to face life with.  Never doubt yourself, having a husband who is ill may postpone some of the fun things in life but they have a life with their dad and would not trade him for a trip to Disneyland.  You are doing a great job and most of us wish we had spouses that would have stood by us. May the Lord bless you, Faith
Reply by junopete, on Sat Aug 15, 2009 1:51 am
VIK,  I work with a lot of vets with PTSD that have extreme anxiety and anxiety attacks.  You might talk to your doctor about Hydroxyzine Pamoate in 50 mg capsuls.  the formula is very close to a decongestent(sp).  It works well for anxiety and is about as safe as you can get for a drug.  Is not habit forming, can be taken long term and usually is. It will take a lot of the edge off the anxiety.

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