Retired Husband!

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gutenberg
Absolutely hilarious! Obviously the man should never had retired as he still had too much creativity and was just looking for an outlet!

RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,' Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where
the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible'
theme.

12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this on to your dearest friends, you will be depriving them of some good humor.
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Mrs.A
Dang, I am so grateful I don't work for Target!
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Primeboy

The good news is that Target does not sell bathroom fixtures. Otherwise, the wife might have cause to protest too much.............Sorry X, but Ed asked for it.

PB
Xerxes
Yes, PB we can cut Ed some slack on this one. He earned it.

X_
gutenberg
Aw, shucks
 
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bob.hewson
Now that I have a few good ideas, I won't be so board next time my wife drags me shopping, thank you so much.
gutenberg
Hey Bob, remember to go slow with this sucker and when you get it down pat make a movie, I'm sure we'd all love to see it, and don't forget to renew that insurance you just had canceled. Ed
gutenberg
The good news is that Target does not sell bathroom fixtures. Otherwise, the wife might have cause to protest too much.............Sorry X, but Ed asked for it.

PB  

Doth she, now?
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