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No Sex

 
Posted by bob.hewson, on Sun Feb 17, 2013 4:50 am
So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits, "My sons, we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."

So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their penises, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face.

Well, it's all too much for him - he gets an erection, the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up and leave." So he bends down, naked butt upwards, testicals dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....
 
Reply by Primeboy, on Sun Feb 17, 2013 8:14 pm
I guess this story gives a new meaning to the old phrase: For Whom the Bell Tolls.
 
Reply by gutenberg, on Mon Feb 18, 2013 2:16 pm
Pretty Cheeky there PB, but we'll let you off this time.
 
Reply by Primeboy, on Mon Feb 18, 2013 2:28 pm
Thanks Ed.  I was going to say, "Every time a bell rings..."; but, in this situation, I don't think an angel would get wings. Be grateful.
PB
 
Reply by Xerxes, on Mon Feb 18, 2013 3:12 pm
So, maybe this is the real reason the pope is resigning; too many bells over the years.

X_
 
Reply by gutenberg, on Mon Feb 18, 2013 5:33 pm
I'd bet gay wedding bells really set him off and got him to wondering "where have I seen these guys before", bells, bells, bells??? When I was an Abbot. . . .naw.
 
Reply by Xerxes, on Mon Feb 18, 2013 6:32 pm
Ed,

Come to think of it, the church bells every Sunday all these years probably meant something more than calling us to mass. Oh, woe is me!

X_
 
Reply by Primeboy, on Mon Feb 18, 2013 9:48 pm
                                 
Xerxes wrote:
Ed,

Come to think of it, the church bells every Sunday all these years probably meant something more than calling us to mass. Oh, woe is me! X_


True is it that we have seen better days,
And have with holy bell been knoll'd to church. (AYLI)

PB
 
Reply by Xerxes, on Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:03 pm
Ah, ".....'tis a knell that summons thee to heaven or to hell." (Or now maybe it means that some padre is getting a quicky behind or in the sacristy. Bob, look what you started).

X_
 
Reply by Primeboy, on Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:15 pm
                                 
Xerxes wrote:
Bob, look what you started). X_


Before the censors exorcise this thread, I thought I might add the following vignette for the disedification of all readers. You have been warned.

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village.

So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"

All the altar boys stood up....
 
Reply by mild_mannered_super_hero, on Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:26 pm
ok, i have one too...........

A catholic guy enters a confessional booth and
says to the priest with guilt. "i had an affair....
almost"
The priest says "what do you mean almost?"
.
.
The guy says "well we got undressed and
rubbed against each other, but then i
stopped"...

"In the eyes of the Lord rubbing against each
other is the same as putting it in" says the
priest.. "For your penance say 5 hail marys and
put some money in the poor box".

The guy leaves the confessional, says his
prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He
pauses for a moment then starts 2 leave..

The priest seeing this, quickly runs over to him
and says, "You didn’t put any money in the poor
box".

The guy stops and says "Yeah but i rubbed the
money on the box, and in the eyes of the Lord
that’s the same thing as putting it in"
 
Reply by gutenberg, on Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:27 pm
Well now, have you ever noticed its always the altar boys who ring the bells, knoll'd they were, as you like it, hehe
 
Reply by Primeboy, on Tue Feb 19, 2013 1:57 am
Not to belabor this point any further, I just want to add that over the years a lot of us have met and admired so many magnificient and saintly human beings who brought such dignity and gravitas to their office as priests in the Catholic Church. We easily remember Fulton J, Sheen and Karol Wojtyla. But we also remember many others that were not so well known or famous, from the local parish priest who lifted our spirits while we buried our dead to missionaries like Father Damien who tirelessly served the leper colony at Molokai. Because of the horrible actions of a some bad priests and the callous inactions of a few bad bishops, we are unlikely to see such men in the same numbers again. Priest scandal jokes abound because evil people wearing Roman collars created a horrible void in general decency.What a loss to all that is good and sacred! Let's hope and pray that the new pope will take the Church in a new and wholesome direction, perhaps where it was originally intended.   PB
 
Reply by bob.hewson, on Tue Feb 19, 2013 5:45 am
It is a very sad situation that the Catholic Church has gotten such a bad name because of so few but also because the church hid the truth for so long. I fully believe that there was a lot of the same thing going on in many other places where adults had lone access to children.

We were told as children to go to a priest or policeman if we were in trouble today there are no safe places where children can be sure they will be safe.

I was one to be molested as a child but by my Sea Scout leader and I know I was just one of many. At that time I had no one to turn to as it was never spoken about and for some reason it was my fault so I could not tell anyone anyway.

The JW organization is currently in the news for the same reason with supposedly millions paid in hush money.

We can joke about it and have some fun but in reality far too many were hurt forever by these events.

I have grown too old to remember much about it today but even my old age is not a total insulator against my memories.

All that said, a joke is a joke and should not be take too seriously.

Did you hear about the nuns that took in washing to help make ends meet?

They had a sign out the front of the nunnery, "Drop your pants here for best results".
 
Reply by lulu1313, on Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:11 pm
My brother was an alter boy when he was a boy He says there must have something wrong with him as no one ever asaulted him or any of his friends Everyone likes to critisize the catholic church but there are good and bad in any organization It just go to show how much it was admired that everone has a joke now about it and oh how the mighty have fallen
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