Men vs Women

add your favorite if you have one.....

While attending a Marriage Seminar
dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives
know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently
and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

A couple was at a birthing class and the instructor was trying to get the men to know how it felt to be pregnant. First, she made them all put on a sympathy suit, then she turned up the heat. Finally she walked over to one of the men and asked him to drop his wallet on the ground. "Now", she said, "Pick that up the same way your wife would". The man shrugged his shoulders, turned to his wife and said "Honey, pick that up for me"

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles

While taking a bath.

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

I had to look up the internet to find out that Pillsbury is a kind of cooking flour as Whitwings is here before I could get your joke.

Hi Bob, your joke would have been twice as long if you had the right spacing,LOL Ed

That's what she said?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up
down the aisles.. The sales girl notices him and
asks him if she can help him. He answers that
he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were
looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday,
I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo
much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

Q: why do women close their eyes during sex?

A: they hate to see a man having fun......!!

Yo MMSH, great ones, good to see you on the ball, Ed

Love it, love it, MMSH, Ed

Just thought of something, I wonder what would have happened if the other eye popped out the next morning!!!!

LOL ~ I didn't see that coming!

three: you never disappoint

Wife gets naked asks hubby,
'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up down and replies,
'Your sense of humour!

You Know thats going to leave a mark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL Eddie

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)

WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"shit."

Hahahahaha MMSH, that is a good one. Thanks for the laugh.

Good one MMSH:

Man that "left handed" answer got him in shit eh, Ed

A man is out walking and he finds a lamp...he rubs it and a Genii pops out. The Genii says "I am the Genii of the lamp, and I grant you three wishes! However, anything you wish for, I will give twice that to your mother in law!"

The man thinks and says "I wish for a million dollars!"

The Genii replies, "Granted! But your mother in law now has TWO million dollars!"

The man thinks a little more and says "well, I'm going to want a nice place to live...I wish for a castle on a private island!"

The Genii replies, "Granted! But your mother in law now has TWO castles on private islands!!"

Now the man is really stumped...he thinks a little longer and then gets an inspiration-

"I want you to beat me half to death!"

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
"What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches.."

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up
and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A
Beretta Jetfire
testimonial.

Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.

Son of a gun, good one G, Ed

Now that is a real southern lady just like me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You all come see me now!
eddie

And don't forget your bulletproof suit, or your little Beretta

But I'm sure I'd be safe in your southern ladyships' company, Ed

Why Ed, you would never have to worry, I like you!, perhaps we could share a glass of the mountians! Just sit an talk a spell!
eddie

"Sharing a Glass of the Mountains", now if that isn't true mountain hospitality in its finest form, I don't know what else is, I'm honored with your suggestion, just sit an talk a spell, sure sounds like bliss to me, Ed

Kinda reminds me of the movie with Betty White, where she fed her husband to the alligator. Remember that one?

Betty White! Wow! I think more than a few of us old farts had a crush on her way back in the early 50's when we traded in our crystal sets for TVs with rabbit ears. I think she came on right after Kate Smith but just before Kukla, Fran and nbsp; nbsp;Ollie. Here's a bit of nostalgia: nbsp; nbsp;
nbsp; nbsp; nbsp; nbsp; nbsp;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6MRwpYsZGQ

Nat King Cole Came on before Kate smith ---Then Liberace---- AND of course every boys dream came on after that--- ANNETTE FUNICELLO hockey

Betty white was considered a co-star; played the part of mrs.bickerman in the movie lake placid. They had been feeding the crocodiles cows. A horse went near the water and the husband went to pull it back and the crocodile ate him.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well,here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an
American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person next to
them.One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story.The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on, back and forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep
the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything
you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when
both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

----------------------------------------------------------------

STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile
was out of the question.

-----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.

"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator."Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."
But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from
the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon
4."Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her.

She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had
passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read,no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
the beautiful things around her."Why must one lose one's innocence to
become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.

Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships
were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie
and 85 million other Americans.

The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't
allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the
sky!"

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Yeah?

Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

"Oh shall I have camomile tea?

Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA???

Oh no, I'm such air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills Boon
novels."

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca) Asshole.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary) Bitch.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca) Wanker.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary) Slut.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca) Get f*cked.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary) Eat shit.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca) F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary) Go drink some tea - whore..

*******************
A+. I REALLY LIKED THIS ONE.