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There is hope of a relationship after an ostomy

Posted by LovingLife2, on Thu Oct 22, 2009 6:25 pm
ok I won't let u all hang, when I met him I was told that he was a widower, then the other day he told me he was actually married for 15yrs.
Excuse Me....I don't think so..... nope, I want no part of that one...
But I must say, I loved and enjoyed every min. that I had with him. But Iam not getting involved with no married guy. Cann't tell you how pis*^d Iam that he didn't have the guts to tell me upfrount.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Wed Dec 30, 2009 2:50 pm
I was single for over 8 months before I had my urostomy surgery.  I've always suffered with slightly lower than normal self-esteem and fear of rejection.  Then, since my urostomy surgery, I've all but totally given up hope of ever finding love again.  It's not just the urostomy.  Sure, most people could live with a bag attached to a mate.  But what scares me into not giving myself the chance to meet that special someone is the fact that some nerves were clipped when my bladder was removed, and therefore I am not able to achieve an erection for the rest of my life.  And of course, I'm convinced that no woman would be able to go the rest of their lives without intercourse.  Sure, I hear all the time how there are millions of women out there who would not be bothered by my lack of erection, and also lots of my friends remind me that there is more to sex than just intercourse.  I know this.  I hear this.  But where are all those women?  Maybe part of my problem is that I've been cheated on in the past a couple times, which pretty much scarred my heart for life.  What I mean is, if loved ones have cheated for "better sex" (that's all I could figure out as the reason they cheated) and I wasn't good enough for them then, why would I find a woman who would be happy with me as I am now?  I lost a large portion of my trust.  I keep telling myself that a woman might try to convince me that the lack of intercourse is NOT going to bother her, but wonder how long it would be before they had "needs" and went out and cheated?  It's for this reason that I hope and pray that I will meet my soulmate either in church or in an ostomy forum like this!  Those two types, Christian and/or ostomate, would be much more likely to accept me for the person I am inside my heart and not judge me for what I'm not on the outside.

I know I'm a very good person.  I don't cut myself down very often, but I certainly can.  I can think of a lot of things a woman wouldn't like about me.  But, inside I'm better than many of the male friends I've known for years.  I've always been told I'm good looking and have nice eyes.  I write beautiful poetry.  I do beautiful photography.  I'm monogamous, I'm not a cheater, I don't abuse women, I'm not a pervert, I'm not a psycho, I'm caring, compassionate, gentle, romantic, trustworthy, honest, great with kids, I'm a church-going Christian, and the list goes on and on.  See?  I am a good person, and I deserve a good woman.

So what's the problem then?  I sure can't figure it out.  I've been a member of this site for a couple years.  I joined right after my surgery in December 2006.  Then left for a month or so, then came back.  Not once have I ever MET an ostomate from this site.  I've chatted with ONE and talked on the phone with ONE, but 98% of the women who I've sent messages to never replied.  And I figured this would be the perfect site to meet that special someone, because they would understand what I have to go through for the rest of my life and that I'm NOT a freak of nature.  But no such luck.

Not sure what I'm doing wrong, but nothing seems to be working.  I've tried for the last 3 years to post personal ads online, but haven't met even one woman that way!  It seems the minute anyone finds out about my urostomy I never hear from them again.  I'm too shy and embarrassed about my urostomy to go out to public places to meet women.  Before my surgery, I never ever had trouble finding women.  In fact I didn't have to look for them, they seemed to find me.  THAT is all history now.

So what do you folks do to meet that special someone?  How do you tell them about your bag?  How do your dress?  I have worn nothing but sweats since my surgery.  Jeans just don't work.

Maybe I need to go find a lake and start fishing! LOL!  With my luck, I'd meet a "widow" who turned out to be married.  Not funny, but that's how my luck usually goes too.

SORRY THIS ENDED UP BEING SO LONG! My fingers typed faster than my mind could tell them to slow down!
Reply by lottagelady, on Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:31 pm
Your story must have been very hard to write, thank you for sharing, I hope in some small way it has helped just doing that.

I think a lot of us have trouble in actually meeting someone as we are all so far apart - I know a few of us are struggling to find someone to just meet and have a coffee with locally, for support, never mind a date.  

We still need an ostomate with an airline and a large hotel!  Anyone out there?

I hope that one day you will find that special someone. Take care, Rachel x
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:46 pm
Thanks for your kind words, Rachel.  I know what you mean about so many of us living so far away.  I find that the majority of this site's members live overseas, outside of the US.  And my little rowboat won't quite make it, so I'm stuck in the NW corner of the US in the rain.  

You're right, we need one bigshot with a huge hotel and private jets to fly us all in for weeks of all-expenses paid fun and fellowship.  But until that happens, I guess many of us will drown in our lonely tears. LOL.

It only took me about 10 minutes to write that last post, my "story" because I type pretty fast and thank gosh I know what is on my mind before I even type.  I do tend to ramble sometimes.

Reading all of the other posts gives me a glimmer of hope.  I've tried to meet local ostomates in my area but none ever reply back to me.  So, my never-ending search for love and companionship continues...

Take care of yourself.
Gus
Reply by Gus, on Wed Dec 30, 2009 4:08 pm
*Swings into the topic like a swashbuckling Errol Flynn sword in hand*. Hey hairball,  

I just read you post mate and I can honestly say don't give up. I met my Mrs online in a US chatroom. I lived in South Australia and She lived 1500 Km away in New South Wales. So my point to keep it brief is,, I had my first Ileostomy beofre we met face to face and i was shittin bricks. We met , talked and I never went back to South Aussie (only for a visit to family) Me and Jo got married and been together since That was 7 years ago. So don't give up and stop thinking your doin sumthin wrong mate. just be you..

* Swings back out of the topic (pinchin rachels butt on the way out) sword in hand hiho

P.S. I found the coolest emotes hehehe.
Reply by lottagelady, on Wed Dec 30, 2009 4:11 pm
                                 
Gus wrote:
*Swings into the topic like a swashbuckling Errol Flynn sword in hand*. Hey hairball,  

* Swings back out of the topic (pinchin rachels butt on the way out) sword in hand hiho

P.S. I found the coolest emotes hehehe.



Ouch!! Again ..... again! xx
Reply by Txgirl, on Wed Dec 30, 2009 6:48 pm
Ed,
      I read your post and I am so sorry you are feeling down.
I can imagine it would be hard to deal with alone. I won't sit here and pretend to know what you're going through because i don't. I can however empathize with you and your feelings. Please remember, not all women are created equal. We don't all cheat and we aren't all assholes. lol

We are here for you to talk to. Rachel is right when she said just typing it and "getting it out" might help you more than you realize.
You only gave the site a month before? If I misunderstood that, I'm sorry. Give it some time and don't be scared of rejection on here. We are all scared of rejection in here. lol Actually, I'm more scared of a blowout...but I digress. lol

Bottom line is this. We care, we are here to talk if you need it and more importantly.....
Steve is MORE than willing to whip his sword out and thwack those ladies on the noggin who have hurt you!!

I hope you have a blessed New Year and a wonderful evening!!!

~hugs~ Hannah
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Dec 31, 2009 3:35 pm
Thanks for the kind words, Gus.  And I very much appreciate your words of encouragement.  They mean a lot to me.  So far I haven't given up totally, but don't set my hopes up so high.  You're right, it's bound to happen when I least expect it.  That's really awesome how you met your wife.  Good luck to both of you.

Again, even though I haven't given up ALL hope, I always find this pin quite amusing... (LOL!)

Reply by gutenberg, on Thu Dec 31, 2009 7:37 pm
Loving Life2

Aw shit, its not that we ostimates don't have enough troubles and Its always heartbreaking when we hear stories like yours, but what kind of cad would not mention something so important, in any event don't give up looking for a real man, we're right behind you, don't forget. Ed    Here's Gus backing me up when he's not doing the sword dance.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Fri Jan 01, 2010 12:21 pm
We ostomates must have something interesting about us! I say this because I noticed I've had 398 profile views since May of 2009 (yet only 16 were members).  This gives me the idea that people out there have an interest in us folks with ostomies of whatever kind.  Interesting to see how many non-members have viewed my profile.  But as expected, not one member Favorite Listed me or Winked at me.  Apparently I'm more interesting to folks who don't want anyone to know who they are OR who don't have an ostomy.  Could it be that "normal" folks like to discover what it's like to live with an ostomy?  Personally, if I had my way, I'd make my profile private to where only members could view it.  I didn't come here to announce to the world about my urostomy.  I came here to mingle with others who have their own ostomy of some sort.  Oh well.  Just something I noticed and amazed me.  Has anyone else found it amazing how many non-members have viewed their profile?  Could you just imagine how ironic it would be if a non-member was that special person who came into our lives that we've been looking for? LOL
Reply by lottagelady, on Fri Jan 01, 2010 1:28 pm
                                 
Hairball wrote:
We ostomates must have something interesting about us! I say this because I noticed I've had 398 profile views since May of 2009 (yet only 16 were members).  This gives me the idea that people out there have an interest in us folks with ostomies of whatever kind.  Interesting to see how many non-members have viewed my profile.  But as expected, not one member Favorite Listed me or Winked at me.  Apparently I'm more interesting to folks who don't want anyone to know who they are OR who don't have an ostomy.  Could it be that "normal" folks like to discover what it's like to live with an ostomy?  Personally, if I had my way, I'd make my profile private to where only members could view it.  I didn't come here to announce to the world about my urostomy.  I came here to mingle with others who have their own ostomy of some sort.  Oh well.  Just something I noticed and amazed me.  Has anyone else found it amazing how many non-members have viewed their profile?  Could you just imagine how ironic it would be if a non-member was that special person who came into our lives that we've been looking for? LOL


I think that maybe non-members may be those of us like myself who no longer have a full membership subscription  and are free members - for instance, I receive mail and can reply to it, but am not able to send it. I also must admit, if I see someone new on here or if someone has left an interesting post then I will l have a look at their profile to get to learn a bit more about them. My profile has been viewed on here over nearly 3000 times, so I must be a popular bunny (not on the dating front anyhow, even before I met my partner!) Wasn't sure I could send winks even, but now it seems I can! Sent myself one so it does work!

Not sure if non-ostomates would be interested and it is them who are reading our profiles, but there are some interesting sites out there on the net - I once mistyped this site and ended up at 'meetaninmate'! I expect that some of that could make for exciting reading.

Take care, Rachel xx
Gus
Reply by Gus, on Fri Jan 01, 2010 5:51 pm
                                 
gutenberg wrote:
Loving Life2

Aw shit, its not that we ostimates don't have enough troubles and Its always heartbreaking when we hear stories like yours, but what kind of cad would not mention something so important, in any event don't give up looking for a real man, we're right behind you, don't forget. Ed    Here's Gus backing me up when he's not doing the sword dance.


Thats right everyone go out there and take on life ,, I,ll be right behind you waychin ya backs,,, And the ladies butts as they walk away,,
Reply by LovingLife2, on Tue Jan 05, 2010 6:33 pm
                                 
Gus wrote:
                                 
gutenberg wrote:
Loving Life2

Aw shit, its not that we ostimates don't have enough troubles and Its always heartbreaking when we hear stories like yours, but what kind of cad would not mention something so important, in any event don't give up looking for a real man, we're right behind you, don't forget. Ed    Here's Gus backing me up when he's not doing the sword dance.


Thats right everyone go out there and take on life ,, I,ll be right behind you waychin ya backs,,, And the ladies butts as they walk away,,


Hey thank you guys, taking my back is really nice of you guys   No, Iam not giving up looking for that real man, soul mate... just chock it up to life experience, learn from it, and go on.


Last edited by LovingLife2 on Tue Jan 05, 2010 6:42 pm; edited 1 time in total
Reply by LovingLife2, on Tue Jan 05, 2010 6:41 pm
Hey Hairball, don't you give up, not all us women are alike,

ya know what they say.." there are other ways of pleaseing your mate "
when you cann't perform... and most women like that way more than the other.

You sound like you're a real sweet person, with a good gentle heart, and that
alone speaks a lot.   

Good luck in your quest for a soul mate.

I was luckly this week, one of my daughters patients knows a lady with an ileostomy also,
who lives in my area, and we're suppose to meet soon, lam looking forward to that, someone to actually meet over coffee and share,   pluss I got some supplies that I don't use anymore, so maybe this person can use them..
Gus
Reply by Gus, on Wed Jan 06, 2010 2:33 am
I'm still watchin the ladies butts hehehe
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