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Young gay guy with ostomy scared of future

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Posted: Fri Oct 18, 2013 10:31 am
I am 28 and gay with an ostomy bag. I feel like the only one, even though I know there must be others, I don't know any. I am concerned that I won't be able to find anyone who will date me because I have a bag. The possibility of ending up alone scares and depresses me. I truly want a partner and family one day and I just feel that people may discount what I have to offer simply because of my ostomy bag.
Posted: Fri Oct 18, 2013 12:14 pm
I often have the same feelings as yourself. I have had relationships but they have never really amounted to anything even though I wanted them to. I now feel as though I a destined to be single for the rest of my life. I'm not sure whether that is my own insecurity allowing me to believe that. I am certain that there are people who will accept us stoma and all. I sure you will find your Mr Right one day.xx
Posted: Fri Oct 18, 2013 1:49 pm
I'm sorry you haven't found your Mr. Right yet, but when you do and they accept your stoma and that you have a kid, you will know you found a gem.

I thought it was scary to come out with crohn's but crohn's & the ostomy is a whole new bag of chips. I know sex will be different too and that a partner will need to accept some limitations.

I think you are right and there are people out there but the question is are they most of the other qualifications we seek in a partner. I am not picky but I don't want to settle on things like values, personality and some physical attributes that are important to me. I just don't want to invest in someone only to get hurt when they find out. I also don't want to advertise myself as the ostomy guy on dating sites because I think I'll never get a date.
Posted: Sat Oct 19, 2013 2:08 am
I'm sure I will find my Knight one day and  try to remain optimistic. And yes you are right if he accepts my stoma and my son then I know I have found the right one. That said my son and I come as  a package, although my son lives with both his mum's. I co parent with a gay female couple.
Posted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 6:22 pm
Hello  your not alone my freind , there is im sure alot of us out here looking for that right person and its a big struggle for sure . It my not happen right away but when you least expect it someone could come along . Your still a young guy and just keep your chin up keep busy and it will happen . Leave a message anytime im here for you Terry Smile
Posted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 9:06 pm
To be honest I'm afraid to even date. I just don't think any guy could find me physically appealing with a pouch especially my high output one. I don't even know how I would broach the topic that I have a pouch and can't have some intimate activities.
Posted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 10:28 pm
Honestly, gay or straight is not the issue. Being secure in yourself is. Go about getting strong with your own inner self and values and all will fall into place eventually. Practicing gratitude for all that is good in your life is VERY powerful and will change your whole outlook as well as attract more to be grateful for. The universe will send you what you focus on. Grievances or gratitude. Your choice. Think of your life as a bowl. If it is full of grievances, there will be no room for the good stuff to get in.
Allllll the best!!
Posted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 6:56 am
We have had to deal with all the changes in our lives gay our straight and in the gay world it allways seams to begin from the waste down but there are good guys out there that will see you for you i havent found that one yet but you need to keep strong and love yourself again and it will happen im sure Terry
Posted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 7:33 am
Hey, with time you will look at things differently. The pouch will become just a minor inconvenience and less of a one you will see. There are a lot of good people out there and you will meet one of them. Just give it some time. Most of all, do not withdraw from life. You have too much to give and receive.

Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 12:12 am
Hi All,  

I'm replying to TJames and Crohns guy.....but this is really for everyone.... Gay, straight, ostomy.....bald....short, fat,  tall, blond, brown or red head....  

Viking has the right idea....   It's the way we feel about ourselves that is the most important part of "acceptance".

  How and when to tell is a personal choice, but after the "greater world" knowing about me as a child....I decided I wanted anonymity....

Eventually,   I married a man who had an ostomy, and while we had that in common, we had little else and the marriage fell apart.    

My ostomy was never an issue for me...when dating.

I was more upset and insecure, about  my scarred up body ( stretchmarks)  stretched out breasts ( from a back brace I had to wear), and my overall appearance.....since I was overweight.  

It was easy enough to hide the ostomy under clothes....even bathing suits.... but the other issues plagued me throughout life.

It's only now, that I'm 65, and still dating, that I have a better sense of self, and self esteem, that get's me through the "reveal".  

It's not always easy, but if I really like someone, then after one or two dates, I tell....   sometimes it's too soon, sometimes it matters, and othertimes it doesn't.  

One guy was really accepting....and we dated for awhile, but I was amused at his question....    He wanted to know if I could still have "anal" sex.   Duh....I haven't had an anus since I was the best way to answer was to "let him feel".  His reply was ....Hmmm   I guess not...   I try to rely on Humor....Humor and more humor.  

I was dating another guy for awhile, told him about my surgery.....and he didn't seem to have an issue with it....   He asked to "see", and I accomodated....   Thought all was well, until I gurgled, and it seems that was the "deal breaker for him".   Didn't get that....It was ok for him to fart....from behind, but I couldn't.....    such is life....

Best of luck to all of you out there trying to connect....   Have kess many frogs......and haven't met my prince yet....but I try to remain optomistic...
Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 7:31 am

That was a wonderful reply. Thank you.

Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2013 11:08 am
Thanks Immarsh for your reassuring words, much appreciated. I am certain I will find my Mr Right one day. I think my negativity comes from previous rejections and my confidence has taken a bit of a knock. That said I know that not every two people are the same and one day I will find somone who can see beyond the stoma to the love I have to give. Cheers again.xx
Posted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 1:36 am
Thank you all for your replies and words of encouragement. I think its true that self acceptance is critical and that brings on confidence. I think partners often find confidence to be a sexy attribute and reassuring. It's just all new and frightening, I haven't even had the energy to go on a date yet but I hope I meet someone caring who won't judge me for my bag.

Immarsh as for noises, there are those stiflers that may help.
Posted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 12:34 am
I would like to add another thought to this conversation. There is actually a blessing to be found in this new chapter of our lives. The "Universe" has brought this unusual challenge to our lives and has demanded that we grow in many ways to become richer, more compassionate people, understanding of others, more tolerant yet less tolerant of intolerance, kinder to ourselves and hopefully others, more mindful of our well being, and less focused on physical name a few. The kind of person we will finally meet that will step up and see us for who we really are, will in many cases be a deeper kinder kind of person than we may have attracted before. Don't you think?
Posted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 2:04 am
When I was back in school a Jesuit teacher, no less, theorized that we should all be born with a large "G" imprinted on our foreheads reminding us that we have a continuous obligation to "grow" through all our experiences and become better persons. Vikinga has similarly invited us to grow in many ways and become people that matter. Our adjustment to ostomy life can indeed open doors and challenges to each of us far beyond all expectations. What may appear as one man's burden is often another man's passport to a life worth living. Think about it.
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