Seeking Love: Overcoming Ostomy Bag Stigma

I definitely think that by virtue of our experience, we are more likely to draw a more genuine and compassionate person to our lives. That being said, how the heck do you find that special person in a world full of jerks?

When you find the answer, buddy, let me know. Jerks seem to be all I attract lately!

Dear crohnsguy84, there are people out there who will love and accept and want to be with you just as you are.

One's stoma is also known as a jerk detector.

I wish I could say that was true, but sadly I've met some jerkasauruses who weren't turned off in any way by the bag. People who are jerkasauruses in many other ways may not be about the bag. Don't count on it being a jerk detector. I found that out the hard way.

I don't know any others either, not personally anyway. I've had an ostomy all my life but I still feel down at times. Trust me... YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY NOT THE ONLY ONE*

    

I have been repeating what others have said about one's stoma. I am sorry you got hurt.

I used to get hurt as a child more because no one wanted to be my friend. The two reactions I always got were either sympathy or disgust - nothing else. I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life alone! But I was so wrong. I told Jay about both my bags just two days after meeting him. I'd invited him to watch DVDs at my flat - he started to move his hands to cuddle me, one hand reached my stomach - I knew he'd feel them. I went into the spare room where I kept all my clean bags - up to that very second I had no idea how I would break the news but then it hit me! I picked up one of my clean bags and hid it behind my back until I got in the room. I told him to brace himself, then I placed the bag in his hand and said, "Do you know what that is?" He said, "Ah... One of them bags?" I said, "Yes, I have to wear them." His immediate response was, "So what!?" I couldn't believe it. Then I said, "I don't just have one, I have two." Once again he said, "Do what!?"

Honest, direct people are in such short supply in today's world. If you find one, never let him or her go.
PB

Texas, I am happy to hear that the stoma largely did not affect your romantic life, but I think it's probably a little different for lesbians. Among my lesbian friends, they are more open-minded, whereas many gay men are more critical of body image. I know there are good people out there, but it's nerve-wracking thinking about the possibility of rejection.

To Chronesguy84, you're right in that the reactions/responses of men and women are quite different. Although I found that (even though the tone may lean toward 'disgust') men are more likely to give the more honest response. Whereas the majority of women will try to give a reaction they feel you want to hear. But if you reveal the big Stoma secret(s) the way I did with my husband, then I 100% guarantee you will get a truly honest answer!

Texas, I'm a big believer in universal jerkiness. Men/Women, young/old, any country, race, religion, etc. Anyone from anywhere has the potential to be a jerk (or a heartless, brain-dead twat). It takes more effort to be nice and like someone than it does to dislike them.

Hello, I know this is a guys' site, but I had to jump in and say we women have the same experiences that you do. I personally think you may have it a bit easier to just explain that the back door is closed, everything else works above average. I am sure there are guys out there that would love love, so keep looking. Us females have to listen to much more of what we can do and how than you do. I dated three guys pretty close together and felt an obligation to inform them of my colostomy. This joker assumed so many things that couldn't be done and walked away. I have shied away and dated a guy with an ileo, and believe it or not, neither one of us noticed we had anything different. I was just glad to see it could be done, but he is married and will stay that way for a while anyway. Don't give up on the bag LOL ;Joyce

Actually, my back door is open, but I'm not sure if it would be safe to swing the door open, so to speak!

I've had a stoma since I was 2 days old and at the age of 50 this year, I am in a civil partnership with a wonderful husband of 17 years. You can have the life you want if you want it enough, and the fact you have a stoma will be no real barrier. It might take you down a path you didn't expect, but that isn't always a bad thing. As with anyone, I would say focus on the other things in your life, and before you know it, you will find yourself with someone who is the one for you and who doesn't care about the stoma, etc. And yes, I was told that years ago and scoffed at it. How wrong was I? Have faith in yourself as a person who matters and deserves the same as a stoma-less person.

I would disagree.

Dude... at least your rectum is clean...

What's that supposed to mean?

Without getting into detail... I am assuming you do not eliminate through your rectum/anus.

Was not meant as an insult... Sorry if I offended you.

No offense taken. I should have tried to embellish my sarcasm better.

Hey there, there is an ostomy site for gay and lesbians. I'm not sure, I accidentally found it, but if you need, guess Google it. :0 Hope you find Mr. Right or some great friends. Being single and unhappy sucks, but being friendless is awful. Please take care. The stoma is an issue for me, but guess my Mr. Right never knows as I think I may have taken a message wrong or right. Good luck to all. :)

R.E.S.P.E.C.T
:)

How has life been since you posted this? I'm curious because I felt the same way. I'm new to this. It's supposed to be temporary but nothing can prepare you just in case you don't have a reversal surgery. I feel insecure and can only imagine if I myself would date someone with a bag. I mean it would have to be something really special.

I've had an ileostomy since 1976, I was 18 way back then.

As a gay man, yes this is all scary with the emphasis on physical perfection in the gay community.

I've found going out to a bar with the intent of picking someone up, taking them home and then doing the nasty is likely going to be a recipe for a bad experience.

What worked for me was actually dating a fella and working up to the point where it seemed natural to make the big step.

My first longish relationship, 6 years, was with an exercise physiologist, and he didn't have a problem with it.

The same with my next relationship, which was also 6 years.

Now I and my partner are at the 20+ year mark.

If you're not embarrassed by your physicality then your partner is likely not going to be embarrassed either. At least that's been my experience. The dating phase gives you a chance to scope out - is this likely going to work...

Hope this is helpful.

Let's face it. This was a surgical procedure that saved our lives. From my vantage point, the alternative to not having surgery did not look too attractive. I wanted to go off to college and begin a life where I did not feel like crap 24/7.

Hope this helps.

Mike Q.

Feel free to send a note.

Hun, I can truly relate. Although I am married to an amazing man for 23+ years, I very recently had an ileostomy which comes with the bag and a huge stomach scar. My thoughts were, "OMG, I am a monster, don't look," and I tried to hide, etc. My husband is my bag expert; he cuts it and trims it, he fits it, and he puts it on after my showers, etc., all without fear. It will happen, love is love, bag and all. Eventually, you begin to realize you are still the same great guy, just with a bag. We are here for ya, feel free to chat.

Hun, I can truly relate. Although I am married to an amazing man for 23+ years, I very recently had an ileostomy, which comes with the bag and a huge stomach scar. My thoughts were, "OMG, I am a monster. Don't look!" I tried to hide, etc. My husband is my bag expert. He cuts it and trims it. He fits it. He puts it on after my showers, etc., all without fear. It will happen. Love is love, bag and all. Eventually, you begin to realize you are still the same great guy, just with a bag. We are here for ya. Feel free to chat.