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Help making someone feel comfortable

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Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 8:38 pm

Hi,

I should start off and say that I do not have an ostomy, however the girl I am dating does.

She has been open about it, pretty much since I met her, this is a few months ago now. She is a fantastic girl, and I am head over heels for her. I am also fairly certain this goes both ways.

We do have fairly good communication going about feeling, and about the operations etc.

She is absolutely gorgeous, smart, funny, you name it... but also very self-concious about the bag and the ileostomy, both how it looks and the fact that it at times makes sounds... neither which bother me in the slightest.

However it makes it difficult for her to fall asleep around me as she is worried it will make sounds, I also think that she possibly puts up a bit of a wall when it comes to intimacy, possibly more so when it is more active...

Like I said, I wouldn't wish for another girl in my life... and all I want is for her to become comfortable. I understand that this is difficult, I also understand that I can't REALLY understand since I have no experience of it myself...

so, I was wondering... any advice on how I possibly can help make her feel comfortable? Anything I can do except to be understanding and give her time?

John

Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 9:30 pm

john,i suggest you just ask her about it...get her talking about how it works and how much it improved her life ect.

not only will you learn about it, but she will feel more comfortable when she knows you are interested in her health and wellbeing.

i know that the noises can be a little embarassing but just reassure her that it doesnt bother you, are the noises gas? if so you can take an over the counter pill that helps somewhat. i keep them in the truck, and my jacket pocet , take a few before you eat and see if it helps some.

Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 12:58 am

You made me cry, damn it...   cry   If she could see your post she'd believe a little bit more how much you care about her and how much you don't care about whatever comes out of that wonderful little thing on her tummy that most of us here have been blessed with.  (That last part is not at all what I think of the thing, but I'm doing my best to be nice. innocent ).  

 

You are already doing everything you could possibly do.  You listen, discuss, tell her how you feel about her, hold her, love her and are there for her. Most importantly, you didn't find the nearest exit when she told you about it.  She feels safe with you. If she didn't, she wouldn't be with you.  I am not saying hero's advice isn't great. But I have the feeling you have and do that already. Your relationship is new and we women don't want to fart, snore, go the bathroom in front of, hope our ass looks sexy when we walk away from you (we know you are looking) and pray we look cute in the morning that you want to give us a kiss and possibly more. We think these things without having a bag on our belly. This is something we now have to add to that list. Plus the fact that we have this new accessory that we don't know how to match to our outfits and have no control over.  It's going to take some more time for the comfort level to get where you both want it to be.  

 

I have to say "THANK YOU" because if you read this site you will see many lost their spouses, boyfriends or girlfriends because of this bag.  You have proven it is still possible to meet someone and have a wonderful, romantic life in spite of it. 

Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 3:20 am

Thank you both for your replies Smile

I will keep showing that I care, and am interested in both her and her health Smile I've already learnt a lot the last few months, I mean, I knew ileostomies etc existed... and I think that is where my knowledge ended, never really thought about the reasons behind them.

I am amazed by how strong she is, and from reading the forums here a bit, I am equally amazed by people on here. I believe she sees that wonderful little thing on her tummy as both a blessing and a curse... but I know she was so close to death, that its nothing but a blessing from my point of view... if it wasnt for the stoma she wouldn't be part of my life now...

... and from a selfish point of view... if it wasnt for the scared men that ran away at first mention of it... she very possibly wouldnt be part of my life...

Zywie, I want to doubly thank you. Your hero's advice is great, and even more so, just the fact that you bring in the normal girl worry things makes my understanding a little clearer. And yes, I definetly look at her ass when she walks away Wink

As for the boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses lost... if they can't accept you with a little bag... they so do not deserve you...

Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 12:45 pm

YOu made me cry again.... stop it.   And you are more than welcome.  Your'e doing great.

Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:25 pm

there is a wesite store called 'ostomy secrets' lingere with pockets to put the bag in.....as far as sounds....carbs cause gas....drink water and if she knows it might be a rock and roll day - sorry to say watch wat you eat the night before and day of.....i empty my illeostomy just about ever hour....and i do bling out the top - i still am a girly girl.......if you can get her to chat i would be glad to - i still have a few issues but am at the 3 year mark - and well ...... i am wat i am...if you dont like it .... well f ya then, but i do understand..........im 50 and have had illeostomy about 3 years now. oh yea on top of that i have a samuri sword slice down the middle of my abs.....so i think positive....not only can you do a belly shot from me but you can drink a whole 5th (jack is my fav)

 

Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 9:33 am

Hi John,

                 It' always nice when two pwoplw find each other in this huge world.  It's like youwere walking around in the dark and suddenly a candle appears and it is attached to a beautiful woman; amazing. I hope this candle bearer is your kindred spirit . Having the courage of your convictions is a strenghtening experience but it is a lot easier when it feels like she is the other half of you that was missing.

    In all things Ostomy just remember tha Humor is the best medicine. If you can smile and have a little laugh , say about the noises. " You can honestly say without contradiction that your farts don't smell; not many people you know can make that claim !!".

   My recently found kindred spirit also lives in London although I'm in the USA ( will be visiting soon ) . We both have an Ostomy but it was still hard to open up to each other. He joke was that with boyfriends in the past she would do the "Sheets over the head " trick . Laurghing like the beautiful funny person she is she told me that with boyfriends in the past that if she farted she would pull the sheet over their heads and giggle . She was disappointed that she couldn't do that anymore. We had a great. liberating laugh about that. The humor won't come immediately but when you can get it in then do it, it really is a great ice breaker.

   Don't dwell on the negative and just keep reminding her how beautiful she is , in body and soul.

 

Hang in there, good luck.

Magoo.

 

 
Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 3:04 pm

This is such an uplifting thread.

 

I think gwetting a stoma is such a shocking experience, that it takes time.  Over time she will feel more and more comfortable.  It has also been my experience that over time your body continues to adjust, and the level of noise becomes greatly reduced.  I used to have a lot of noise, but now 5 years on from my ileostomy surgery, I get so little noise that I don't even think about it.

The noise is simply gas being expelled through the stoma.  The positive side is that it will not smell because of the charcoal filter on the pouch, so to a degree it is better than a standard fart.  There are two things that have worked well for me:

1) Gas-X, which seems to break down the gas into much tinier particles that just slip out unnoticed

2) Holding my finger over the stoma opening to help modulate the flow of gas so that it does not make noise.  If a person got really good at this, they could almost play it like a musical instrument.

The best thing is a sense of humor - when it talks, talk back to it, or try to figure out what foreign language it is speaking.

Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 6:20 pm

Hey John,

You sound like an awesome! 

How long has she had her ileostomy for? It's possible that she just needs to be more comfortable with it herself because she can be comfortable with it around you.  Some people get use to theirs quickly, and some need more time.  If you aren't bothered by it, she'll likely have no problem with it soon enough. 

Good luck! Sounds like you've found a keeper Smile 

 

Eric

Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 7:52 pm

Hi guys,

You guys are awesome, thanks for all the suggestions and insight.

She has had it for about 4 years but not been dating since she got it, so I understand that she is weary or nervous. We've talked a fair bit about it, but also make sure its not a main focus... because obviously it shouldn't be... hopefully soon it will be a non-issue Smile

I figure it will just have to take the time it takes, and that will let us get to know each other better.

Humor does sound like a great way to deal with it, and it has been used a couple of times... most likely with a bit more time both of us will feel more comfortable with that... as I myself am a bit weary of trying to be humorous about it.

Bigal1579, playing it like a musical instrument sounds fantastic Razz

And yeah, she is absolutely a keeper Smile beautiful and charming

I've met enough women with not even half the personality or heart of this one, so I know that if it takes a while it will be worth it Smile

Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 10:27 pm

John,

I applaud your ability to love this lucky woman. So many of us have lost love as a result of this life changing surgery. I wonder how many out there are like me, having lost the ability to love as a result of the surgery. Just the fact that you are willing to invest the time and energy into helping her open up and become more comfortable with herself is amazing. Until you've walked a mile in our shoes, you'll just never know how difficult physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy can be. But you get it.

I think you're awesome! I pray you'll continue to be the patient, kind and loving partner she needs. I also pray that you girl finds confidence in herself to let go of the hang-ups  she has with her ostomy so she can completely open herself to you.

I wish you both a lifetime together!

Anita

Posted: Thu May 01, 2014 8:59 am

John, I wish I could meet someone like you!! Not many men feel the way you do about it!!

Posted: Thu May 01, 2014 1:40 pm

Hi John,

You are a hero and a definite minority when it comes to ostomy-ism.  Most men are disgusted by it.  I am just as lucky as your lady.  My ex and part-time caretaker has no problem carrying my "gift bags" out to the alley trash, letting me spoon him from either side, etc.  The problem was with me.  I found that this product returned much of my dignity and sexiness.  It is so feminine, discreet, and pretty.  If I were you I would open the topic by saying that you are trying to learn all you can about her ostomy and ran across this site with a lot of "cool stuff".  Let her reaction be your guide.  If she shows interest in this product (I have one in each color), offer to buy it for her.  I had an ultrasound last week and the handsome young tech (who knew I was self-conscious about my bag because I told him I was afraid it might have poop in it) said, "Oh, how cute" when he pulled mine down past my belly button. I felt very confident as I lay there and he ran his wand over my jellied abdomen with the pretty lace covering the entirety of the bag.  Anyway, good luck.  Your lady is so fortunate to have you.  My ex and I don't live together.  We are both seniors, crochety, and set in our ways, but we have occassional "pajama parties" and share meals, talks, movies, and back rubs.  It makes all the difference in the world to an ostomate that she is still attractive and others don't cringe at the thought of touching her. God sent your girl an angel.  I'll add "the cute couple on their Ostomy honeymoon" to my prayers.

Loretta

https://www.ostomysecrets.com/ostomysecrets/women/wraps/illusion-wrap/c-26/c-327

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 4:36 pm

Thanks again!

Appreciate the kind words, don't see myself as a hero Razz more like a silly little puppy falling hopelessly in love Razz

Am sorry to hear that most men are put off... i don't get it... and in that case most men are stupid... but i guess its a good douchebagtest at least then.

Octobersurise, that is some very cute accessory Smile I really am grateful for all the tips you guys have given.

John

Posted: Sat Jan 09, 2016 2:52 pm

So it has been a while, am still together with the gf, and still very much in love.

Things are still going very slow however, and for the most part I am ok with it, but some days I wish I could help her get over her insecurities. I don't think it is only her ostomy that does it, though it is a big part of it. She is still very scared of physical intimacy, and we still have not been naked together, or done anything sexual. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she never wants to. Feeling a bit lost today, I know the feeling will pass, I just wish she wasn't so scared... and I don't feel there is anything I can do or say to help her be less scared...

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