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How important are Feelings?

Posted by heshootshescores, on Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:03 pm

I was interested in finding out how many people feel negative about their situation. If you feel negative about things that happen in general, in your life? I'm curious about how people react negatively, if people are negative all the time as a state of being and if there are people out there who have this as a difficult challenge to their way of thinking. I'm aware that you can choose to react in a negative way or in a positive way or not react at all! I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this concept. If anyone would like to comment that would be appreciated.

Reply by moonshine, on Fri Jul 18, 2014 1:39 am

Hey where you live? I love hockey....go Chicago Blackhawks!

I felt extremely negative in the beginning. After all I was in my late 40's and were always vain.

I too thought this was the end of my intimate life. (was 2.5x divorced) and was not dating.

Then things changed - I learned to live with my bagd started 'blingin it out', learned to laugh at myself, and found some lingere made to hide the bag. It is hard to meet someone and decide the right time to be honest....so I just put it out there from the get go......something like 'I SMOKE, DRINK AND SWEAR' AND OH YEA 'I DONT HAVE A COLON' - I CARRY MY WASTE ON THE OUTSIDE AND OTHERS ON THE INSIDE.

 

When someone gets to know me they realize that beauty is on the inside anyway...

Reply by amietwin1, on Fri Jul 18, 2014 7:41 am

Well when I found out I had faps, I was relieved but I knew I had it anyway. I've always thought more about worse cases when it comes to most tests or medical situations haha. 

When I found out I had to have an ileostomy, again I knew it was coming due to the results from a colonosopy I had.

From then on I was very mixed about the situation, one day I would be like "Its no big deal, people live with this for many many years."/"I should be fortunate they are doing this operation before I get the big C" to "Oh my god my (then) boyfriend will leave me because its gross, we wont have any intimacy anymore or he wont find me attractive"/"life isnt worth living anymore. I'm going to get this reversal asap". Even on the day of the hospital admission I wanted to get up and go home, I even cried when they were putting me to sleep!

It was the same when I came out of the surgery, I felt both pleased and pissed off I was going through all this and having infections in my surgery site. I felt like life wasnt living at one point and actually felt like commiting suiside when they told me I would have to have another operation to open my stomach for draining and to repair a tear in my pouch surgery. I know that last bit sounds stupid cause I was in hospital!

But now, I am pretty much used to it, its a part of me and it will throw a wobbily at times because my body is still reacting to the removal of my bowel. I am 2 months pre-op and at times it is a pain but I am really grateful I have not got the worry of endangering my life. Also I am going to put off having a reversal for as long as possible because of the hospital experience.

Hope this helped! Smile

Reply by Zywie, on Sun Jul 20, 2014 2:56 am

Hi shoots,  Not sure where you're going with this but it's an interesting question.  If we didn't have feelings we would all be walking around like robots.  Never be happy,  never be sad, never experience those first few moments of falling in love, or being attracted to someone (you know - that magnetism you just can't describe or understand but it's there), never feel heartache, never feel joy at the simplest thing, or excitement over something extraordinary. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the message here.  If all the negative feelings were gone and all that's left is happy feelings - we'd just be a bunch of Stepford people.  That's pretty boring too, in my opinion.  It would bring a whole new meaning to the age old question "Why are we here?" - but then, no one would give a damn would they.  So, to answer the topic title question - yes, I am of the strong opinion feelings are important.  At times they do need to be controlled or we would all be insane or be in prison for killing or be in trouble for stalking someone because we just couldn't let go of feelings they can not return.  

Negative about my situation.  Well, I am negative about this surgery, about having this bag. Mostly because it's a pain in the ass to maintain, has added something to my life that I have to take care of when I felt I was coming to a point in my life where I could reduce all responsibility to a minimum. It's one more medical thing I have to watch to make sure it stays healthy. And I was told AFTER the stupid surgery it may not have really gotten rid of the cancer - just will keep it at bay for a few years. It's unpredictable, looks horrid  (not just the bag but the red thing sticking out of my belly) and makes me look like I have a tumor on my belly even in loose tops and it's uncomfortable most times. For those of us who like to walk around in our birthday suits some days - it's really not a pretty sight so kinda puts the damper on the enjoyment of that. It took almost 6 months for the pain of the surgery to subside and during those months there were many days I'd open my eyes and groan to the powers that be why won't you let me go, this is too much ! I'm tired of it all, it's too exhausting, I don't want all these doctors, treatments, problems anymore. I could go on but will stop.  I'm sure you get the idea here also. But I am coming to terms with it and trying to find ways to make it not so intrusive, little-by-little I'm succeeding. 

This does not make me negative about the other parts of my life. I have never been a negative person. But I can't say I have been a positive person either. (Meaning no matter what shit is hitting the fan I can smile and say wonderful things.  I have a sister like that, she kinda irritates me sometimes.) I have always been a moody person - but usually looked for the good in a situation after brooding about it for a day or two. I was a different person in my younger years than I am today and I'm sure, if I make it much longer, I will be a different person in my 70's than I am now.  Life contours what you become or who you are on any given day. Life is challenging from the day we are born. Think about that: we had to learn to walk, talk, etc. There are things we take for granted that, at some point in our life, we really had to work at to achieve. Sometimes there is no choice except to do or die. 

There are people who are negative, crabby people - but then we really don't know what happened in their life to make them that way. There are people who are so happy they make you look at them like they are from outer space. Yay for them !   But I don't believe any of us are born negative or positive.  Life dictates our feelings and that changes with the losses and victories we experience. Which means, to me, our feelings will be different depending on our age and what we are experiencing or have experienced at any given time in our life. 

To me this surgery/stoma was a difficult challenge over the past year.  Not necessarily because I was worried if I would meet a significant other (even though I am still trying to imagine how certain things are going to happen with it in a relationship) but because, as I said, it hurts, its messy, it's not at all what I want to wake up to everyday.  But it's becoming more of a chore now than a challenge.

In your topic you are asking generalized questions about peoples feelings about their life and are also asking isolated questions about their feelings of living with an ostomy. This would of been an excellent question for the forum I belonged to in my younger years (heehee). I hope I've given you some things to think about for both questions.  This was actually fun for me - thanks! 

 

Reply by Pinky, on Sun Jul 20, 2014 2:22 pm

Hi heshootshescores - Feelings are very important to a successful adjustment, but sometimes actions have to come first and feelings follow.  A la "fake it 'til you make it" (AA).  I find it difficult to believe as handsome a young man as you has been unable to find a partner. (I find it difficult to believe I'm actually 20 years older than you...Good God - I don't feel that old!).  In the photos on your profile you look pleasant and frankly, like a nice guy.  But it sounds like something is holding you back from complete engagement with life. 

There is nothing wrong with so-called "negative" feelings unless rage is present that you take out on others or a negativity that keeps you so depressed you can't function.  I don't believe humans are meant to be happy at all times (unless you are the Dalai Lama - he's an exception that we can only strive towards).  But there must be some joy or else life is like a millstone around the neck - just drudgery.  You look happy in your photos with your skateboard and your crafts. How about the people in your life - any happiness there?

I know I tend to harp on the subject of support groups, but I have found them to be a great place to meet caring folks.  A lot of men attend my local group. Some are cranky, some are not.  There are also a lot of single women (hint, hint).  Anyway hope you find what you are looking for...what we are all looking for...acceptance and love.           Pinky  Smile

Reply by Mexico, on Mon Jul 21, 2014 12:25 pm

It's hard not to feel negative when your life takes such an abrupt turn.  I was diagnosed with colon cancer and woke up with an ostomy.  In the beginning I was hopeful that things would not change that much regarding my relationships, but over the years I've had male and female acquaintances bow out.

I have found it's just easier to be alone than deal with rejection.  I had hoped to meet someone on this site that understood my life.  It can be lonely sometimes, but I've found exercise works best for me to help keep a positive attitude.

Reply by heshootshescores, on Mon Jul 28, 2014 7:38 pm

Hello again,

The feelings of negativity are part of the balance of being a person. I get what you mean by having too much negativity can make you stop functioning. I have found that if I go for a walk and start becoming negative and feeling the rage about life situations I tell myself to let go and be open and the mental blockage goes away.

 

Its weird how we are wired and make habits of negative emotions and reinforce negative situations. I understand too that the Dalai Llama is kinda happier than the average person and its awesome to want to aspire to be like him. I am finding that I am alot happier with my life than I used to be.

 

After I had my surgery I felt so different, not being in pain. I only found that the doubt came afterwards through all the messages I was getting about how society thinks I should be. When I had my ileostomy made permanent it was really good because it made me actually accept it and learn to live with it. So as far as being single I'm taking things as they come and not trying too hard, it'll happen because I deserve it.

Bye

Reply by jerseyrobert, on Wed Jul 30, 2014 10:32 pm

it all depents on the day. some days i want to screem "i want my life back". Other days i'm just grateful to be here. Just as it seems to get easier i fall behind. it's sort of a hate/ love thing 

Reply by PatinPickering, on Thu Jul 31, 2014 10:44 am

Shoots ... feelings are important.  My friend was going through a rough patch (bladder cancer diagnosis) and I asked him, "what makes you happy?"  The instant answer was his kids.  "So you have something to live for...".  He was concerned that the surgery would make him impotent.  I pointed out that it's better "on this side of the grass than the other" so there really was no rationale for not having the surgery.

In our cases, it's a period of time after the trauma of our surgeries (20+ years for me) and we're living with the "noise in our heads" (eg. self image, socital pressures, work, family, love life, etc.).  Sometimes it feels negative and hopefully those times are less frequent than when it feels good.

Last week, our 5 y.o. grand-daughter asked my daughter why Gramps always has a "bo-bo on his tummy".  If not for my cancer surgery, I would never had seen my 3 grandchildren.

Shoots, you need to find what makes you feel good and surround yourself with it ...

 

Reply by zosya, on Thu Jul 31, 2014 6:38 pm

I think the amount of negativety an ostomate has is the result of a number of factors: your general disposition, how old you were when the illness began, how long it went on before the ostomy surgery, whether you knew an ostomy was an option going into surgery, your personal support group, the people you come across, as well as others.

I was diagnosed with Crohn's when I was 13. I had my first surgery leading to an ostomy when I was 34 and am now 40. 

I was afraid to attend certain events because the potential for "accidents" was high. I would get boughts of profuse bleeding that would land me in the hospital. Lost track of the number of times my knee had to be drained because of the inflammation. I was also persistently anemic to the point of needing a blood transufion once. At some point in college I decided I was done hiding it and wrote probably three papers on the topic of IBD and my personal story.  It gave me an outlet to vent, to research, to receive supportive comments from instructors.  I became an open book to those who wanted to know. Well, within reason. In doing so I ran into a lot of people who knew others with Crohn's.  Of course, the "why me"s would visit with every "flare up" which is a bit of joke as there never was much of a remission.

Leading up to the surgery I tried every drug but one because the "side effect" was an irreversible brain bleed ?!?. I happened to be at this particular hospital for a second opinion and left with an ileostomy. Not completely planned but I knew it was going to happen that year. 

Truly, at that moment in time I had been so sick for so long my biggest fear (short of not waking up) was that my husband of one year was going to run for the hills.  Thank God he didn't. In part I think he had an easier time with it because he said he was surprised by how well I dealt with it.

I had spent more of my life feeling sick than feeling good.  I woke up from surgery. I was still alive.  Within 4 months the knee swelling and anemia were gone.  Yes, I still have to take Remicade. Yes, I still need to scope out a bathroom. Yes, I get very frustrated when I have trouble finding a pouching system that works right and that I'm prone to hernias. But I'm alive and I feel better. 

The short answer despite my long example is I had become sick at such a young age that I found myself appreciating little things early on and developed over time the feeling that if there is nothing I can do to change the situation (or, if I have already tried everything within reason) then I just need to deal with what's been placed in front of me and move on. Life's too short to be angry all the time.

Heshootshescores, you still participate in extreme sports! That's awesome! The thought of doing it freaks me out but I love to watch. Have you run into people before the surgery that gave you a hard time for wanting to particpate in extreme sports? Unfortunately, an ostomy is just something else some people may not understand.  And some of those will have no interest in even trying to understand. And that's ok. Focus on the rest.

Reply by lorraine-cooper1960, on Thu Jul 31, 2014 7:22 pm

I say life is the thing that's shapes our personality and ability to cope. I grew up in a violent, physically and mentally abusive home. I was beaten mercilessly for the first part of my life usually with a belt, buckle end, to inflict as much pain and damage as possible. My mother never stopped it and neither did my brothers. I understand while he went for me he left them alone, so I get it. however end of that story i stabbed him with a kitchen knife - yes I did it was him or me and it wasn't going to be me! The sis and so survived but i cut all ties with my family. I made up my mind NEVER to be told what to do, and emigrate ASAP, to the first country that accepted me. Thank you Australia. 

I got married to a wonderful man who loves me despite our problems, and who I met at school and married in 79. We have our moments but we get over them.

i am angry i got cancer, I am angry i have had four major surgeries since August, and I have had to give up nursing and lost drivers licence. But nursing taught me the best and the worst of people, and paediatric nursing taught me courage and the meaning of true, unconditional, honest love and trust. I had a young person around 7 years old say to me, nurse Lolo I am choosing to be happy, she died a few days later. My goodness what a star, I'm choosing to be happy, so that became my mantra. Yes I have what I call 5 minute pity parties, or temper tantrums, then I choose to be happy and what a difference it makes. Now that said an example of me choosing not to be happy!

I went out for the first time since April 23 last Thursday to have lunch and see a movie. I didn't want to use my wheelchair so I took my wheelie walker. We had a really lovely lunch, went to the cinema and while Paul bought our senior citizen (sigh) tickets I went to change my pouch so I knew I would get through the movie. We went in, he put my walker in front of the wall where we sat in the first row and we enjoyed a lovely afternoon out. While the movie was on an oldish couple sat at the end of our row which was not a problem until the end. A few minutes before it ended I asked Paul how much longer as my puff adder was blooming. He said a few minutes so I waited. At the end I couldn't wait for the lights to come on I said I have to get to the loo quickly. He jumped up, helped me up and balance using the wall and I took the route closest to the door which was past the couple while he went the long way to get my walker and help me. I got to the end of the row and the man put his feet up blocking me and started abusing me. Well it didn't take much for my old self to re emerge because I had explained I needed the loo. He swore at wouldn't budge so I held up my catheter bag and said "this isn't a handbag. I also have another bag attached, I know which one is about to explode but do you really want to find out the hard way? So you have a choice (please excuse my crudity) you can get covered in piss or shit whichever bursts first . Your choice." He did let me through but by this time I was trying to get to the duuny as quick as I could, and I left Paul and some spectators sorting it all out. I just literally got to the loo in time and when I came out he was being taken away in hand cuffs. DUI, causing a affray, preventing a disabled person freedom of movement and passage (I think that's deprivation of liberty) etc. So i actually couldn't help but have the last laugh! So people sorry for such a long diatribe but yes i even choose to enjoy that moment because i still have a chuckle at his face as he was led away!

 

Reply by lorraine-cooper1960, on Thu Jul 31, 2014 7:27 pm

Zoysa you're a legend.

 

Reply by Primeboy, on Thu Jul 31, 2014 10:45 pm

Hi Lorraine. Great post and good attitude! I am reminded of an old saying I think I learned from the Sisters of Charity back in grade school: Don't let the bastards get you down.

I love your mantra: choose happiness. Let your old self re-emerge often.

   PB

Reply by lorraine-cooper1960, on Fri Aug 01, 2014 3:22 am

Thanks PB, I must admit it was therapeutic, I think that was just a moment i needed and he didn't. I asked to drop the charges but was told its a criminal not domestic or civil offence so the prosecutor wants to take further to use as a example. Poor bloke!

 

Reply by Zywie, on Fri Aug 01, 2014 2:26 pm

Damn!  I don't like to make promises, but I promise I will never, ever get in your way Lorraine.  innocent

 

Hugs 

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