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Tell Me, How Is This Possible?

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Posted by gt59, on Tue Mar 10, 2015 3:15 pm

Since my divorce, my approach has always been the exact opposite.  No mention at all about the ostomy during first date or second date.

Several of my dates have resulted in a relationship and 'intimacy'.  With a tight-fitting elasticated stoma support belt around the bag - and making sure it was emptied immediately before -  I managed to  ignore it completely and carry on with the date as normal.

On the 2nd/3rd 'intimate' occasion, their curiosity then made them ask about the belt.  No-one ever mentioned it the first time.  I suppose people are just too embarrassed to ask the first time with someone. I just said I had had some surgery there once, and changed the subject.

Each time the question was raised, I give a little more info about it - but only when asked.  By the time I had fully explained about my ileostomy, there was no need for me to say how it doesn't affect me having a fulfilling sexual relationship, as they already knew!  All of the women I have met since my divorce have been great about it.  Not one ended the relationship because of the bag or thought any worse of me.

My advice is to just go for it, who dares wins, as the SAS say.   OK it can be hard the first time, but if you do, it can work out great.  What's the worst thing that could happen? The bag bursting and/or being rejected?   No worse than than not trying in the first place.   What have any of us got to lose?   Be brave!



Last edited by gt59 on Sun Oct 25, 2015 3:26 pm; edited 1 time in total
 
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Mar 10, 2015 6:50 pm
gt59 wrote:

My approach has always been the exact opposite.  No mention at all about the ostomy during first date.

Approx 1-in-3 first dates resulted in 'intimacy'.  With tight-fitting elasticated belt around the bag, the bag was ignored completely.

On 2nd/3rd 'intimate' occasion, their curiosity makes them ask about the belt.  I just say I had some surgery there once, and change the subject.

Each time the question is raised, I give a little more info about it.   By the time I have fully explained, there is no need to say how it doesn't stop me doing anything, they already know.

Who dares wins, as the SAS say.

Appreciate it:)

 
Reply by Past Member, on Wed Mar 11, 2015 2:29 pm

Hi! Dweide,

Know this is frustrating for you. Before I was well enough to return to work, a co-worker telephoned me, telling a story of her friend whose husband divorced her as soon as she was able to care for herself.  Said my husband would do the same.  Ignorance, ignorance!!! My husband did not treat me any different.

Most people were surprized to learn of my ostomy.  I still dressed professionally, was physically active & lived a normal life. Thankful to God that he spared my life.  It was being a new, healthy life. My doctor teased me about the lovely pouch covers I wore.  I made some with smiley faces embroidered on front, colorful prints,& some to match my dresses.  Anyone who cannot accept you because of an ostomy has a problem, not you.  Hang in there, be happy as you are.

Forgive the long reply. 

 
Reply by Immarsh, on Mon Mar 16, 2015 12:39 am

Hi,

My name is Marsha, and I'm now dating the second time around.  I had my surgery when I was 15, and dated some before marrying a guy, who also had an ostomy.   I was always overweight, and rather than blaming lack of dates on my ostomy back then....I blamed it on my weight issue...as it's common knowledge, most guys go for the smaller sized gals... 

I divorced about 20 years ago, and have been dating since then.  I met people....but for the most part, never did get into a serious relationship.   I told some about my surgery...and others not.   It mattered to some, ending the relationship, and didn't matter to others, at all.   I'm now seeing someone for more than a year, and neither my weight or ostomy is an issue for him.   He's an accepting guy..   You really have to look closer at how you feel about yourself......in order to attract the kind of woman you want..   I once went out with a guy I met on line...   I knew he was bald....but was really surprised when I met him, that he had no teeth.   That was a deal breaker for me.  He knew it, and did something about it.   He didn't have an issue with my ostomy, but in the end, we weren't a match. 

Moral of the story....you have to kiss a lot of frogs ( or in your case frogetts) before you find your prince/ princess.   Good luck.

 

 
Reply by Phil V, on Mon Mar 16, 2015 9:14 am

Dweide,

 

I have not posted as I am reading others situations to see how simular or dissimular I find them.  Reading your posts on dating was good for me.  I am married and my wife accepts the way thing are, however, I gleen insightful information from our relationship.

If you are really interested in a long term relationship than you can use many avenues like dating sights, churches, social groups, and so on as a means to reach your goals.  You can cut through the nonsence by being open up front.  All women have issues of their own that they deal with everyday wether they are real or fictious.  As a musician, my colostomy is not a hinderance, to me or our fans.  Most of the woman Hit on me anyway.

Be yourself and accept no less than you deserve.  

 
Reply by littleskinnymini71 , on Mon Mar 16, 2015 1:44 pm

Dweide, 

Perhaps you are attracting the wrong women to begin with. I would look at this as a learning excercise.  What do these 12 women have in common: traits, beliefs, opinions. Just try it and see if you can draw a conclusion... And exclude yourself as the common denominator. 

My husband walked out on me the day I was told I was about to die if I did not have surgery. I was shattered at first because I dont see physical differences as a problem ( My first job at 15 was caring for a quad...and I loved it) but over a year later and Im thankful he left me. He was mentally abusive and physically intimidating but I didn't see it until after the fact.

I have not been brave enough to date yet but a woman with a good heart and the right intentions should not be put off by a bag. 

I wish you the best!

 

 
Reply by Mary Ann, on Wed Mar 18, 2015 2:07 pm

I do think this is a good question, I had been married for 15 years before I got my bag, my husband was squeamish about changing it for me, but pitched in, took over laundry, even poopy laundry, dishes and cooking till I got better, and still wanted to jump my bones a lot, never looked elsewhere.

 

It is the quality of the person, not the bag that is in your way

 
Reply by Savannahmaya, on Thu Mar 19, 2015 7:55 am

Hey dweide.

I think this poem you have writen in the comments here says it all. The reason girls shut you down I mean. Poetry it an icredible way to epress yourself, so props to you for being open and turning your feelings into art. However, if this is truly how you feel, which I do believe it is, how can you possibly expect a woman to accept you for who you are if you dont accept yourself? Your poem makes me frown, it's unpleasant to read, don't get me wrong, it's really well written, but gross. If you believe you are disgusting and the bag/pouch/appliance, whatever you want to call it, attatched to your mid sectoin is such a stinky, foul, festering host of a parasite, the people you tell about it will think that too. Imagine if you were the woman you were trying to date and you had no other information about ostomies and people with them other than what you were being told in that moment? If you make it a negetive thing, something you're ashamed of, something to be turned off by, they more than likely will pick up on that and be turned off by it. I have an ostomy myself and am pretty darn comfortable with it and sharing with others, but the way you talk in these posts makes me feel yucky, even though I have extensive other knowledge on the topic and don't believe its a disgusting thing myself. I know it's so much easier said than done, but maybe be open to trying to view yourself and your situation in a different light. Maybe even go on a practice date where you "reveal your big secret" in a way that doest actually reflect all the disgust you feel because of your "gross characteristic". Tell them you love it and it's just a part of your life and no big deal. I know this is getting long, but one more quick thing, imagine how youd feel if a person in good health with a "normal" digestive tract (basically just a person without an ostomy) explained to you on a date about the way they poop. From their butt hole. It smells so bad. Sometimes it burns, sometimes their poop is green, sometimes they get constipated and cant squeeze out the poop no matter how hard they tense... blah blah blah. Gross. Just gross. They have the "normal" you seem to seek, but honestly I'd be a little turned off by a conversation like that with a new person. Just think about it. I think you're probably a pretty cool person and you are just being held back by a negetive view of your body. Buck up, little soldier. I'll be easier for someone to love you when you love yourself, even the nasty parts.

-Savannah

 
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Mar 19, 2015 11:44 am
Savannahmaya wrote:

Hey dweide.

I think this poem you have writen in the comments here says it all. The reason girls shut you down I mean. Poetry it an icredible way to epress yourself, so props to you for being open and turning your feelings into art. However, if this is truly how you feel, which I do believe it is, how can you possibly expect a woman to accept you for who you are if you dont accept yourself? Your poem makes me frown, it's unpleasant to read, don't get me wrong, it's really well written, but gross. If you believe you are disgusting and the bag/pouch/appliance, whatever you want to call it, attatched to your mid sectoin is such a stinky, foul, festering host of a parasite, the people you tell about it will think that too. Imagine if you were the woman you were trying to date and you had no other information about ostomies and people with them other than what you were being told in that moment? If you make it a negetive thing, something you're ashamed of, something to be turned off by, they more than likely will pick up on that and be turned off by it. I have an ostomy myself and am pretty darn comfortable with it and sharing with others, but the way you talk in these posts makes me feel yucky, even though I have extensive other knowledge on the topic and don't believe its a disgusting thing myself. I know it's so much easier said than done, but maybe be open to trying to view yourself and your situation in a different light. Maybe even go on a practice date where you "reveal your big secret" in a way that doest actually reflect all the disgust you feel because of your "gross characteristic". Tell them you love it and it's just a part of your life and no big deal. I know this is getting long, but one more quick thing, imagine how youd feel if a person in good health with a "normal" digestive tract (basically just a person without an ostomy) explained to you on a date about the way they poop. From their butt hole. It smells so bad. Sometimes it burns, sometimes their poop is green, sometimes they get constipated and cant squeeze out the poop no matter how hard they tense... blah blah blah. Gross. Just gross. They have the "normal" you seem to seek, but honestly I'd be a little turned off by a conversation like that with a new person. Just think about it. I think you're probably a pretty cool person and you are just being held back by a negetive view of your body. Buck up, little soldier. I'll be easier for someone to love you when you love yourself, even the nasty parts.

-Savannah


Yeah, so you have extensive knowledge on War in Iraq, PTSD Combat related issues; what about dying twice?  Before you judge anothers "posts", maybe you should ask questions first before you decide to give critisism.  Buck up soldier, I just got this situation.  What do you know about "my" soldiering.  Did you know people write and read messages in whatever mood they are in.  Such a broad explaination of how my brain works.  I don't remember seeing you anywhere in Israel or Iraq or Kuwait or Germany or Ireland or on any battlefield or duty station.  How do you know how I view life?  By judging my posts instead of asking questions you just automatically presume you are correct.  THIS IS WHY IT"S HARD TO DATE.  Too many misconceptions and judgements.  Can't I just be angry for a while then maybe over some time I can accept it a lot better?  Do you mind if I do that?  Just understand how I feel in the situation that I present and not try to psychoanalyze my social behaviors.  BY THE WAY, I have extensive knowledge as well, a Masters in Social Economics to be exact Miss armchair expert.  Read my other topic or any other posts.  You may find that I have no pattern in which you presume to be.  It's called I was angry.  That's it.  Now I am sad.  Maybe soon i'll be accepting more over.

 
Reply by Zywie, on Thu Mar 19, 2015 4:35 pm

Savannah, I agree, the poem is yucky.  Probably would get an A in English lit for compostion, etc.  But the subject matter leaves much to be desired; even if it is factual. Also agree, if that is how one sees themselves it is how others will see them. I am responding here because I am hoping his rebuttal does not stop you from posting and commenting. You are a very insightful young woman and I know you meant to help.

As for you, Mr. dweide, you are a man of two faces, as you seem to be depicting in your latest dp. And yes, I was referring to what you said about "normal women" in your original post.  You implied in your first post and in a later post (even though I do not wish to have the term applied to me) that women with ostomies are not normal. I was not lecturing you, I was stating my opinion.  I read how you love life and I also read how you hate it.  The results from this surgery tend to send even the strongest for a loop. Savannah was making her observations based on your poem  - which does not depict a happy person. You're allowed to be angry and say whatever you want. But it doesn't give you the right to jump down peoples throats for stating their opinion.  Because you saw active duty makes you a better person than others?  Or more knowledgable?  Or we are suppose to accept what you say without feedback?  Enlighten me.  Did you volunteer or were you drafted ?  And, moreover, explain what any of that has to do with coping with an ostomy?  We've all been through/are still going through that same battle. Doesn't matter what other battles we've been through or will go through in our lives. If you don't want to hear what others think - then state that in your original post.  Let us know you're just venting and don't want to hear from us. When you come on a forum and say anything you automatically open yourself up for comments and opinions. Someone with a Masters In Social Economics should understand that.  Which, by the way, does not make you an expert or more knowledgeable in social or individual behaviors. Unless I am misunderstanding the term; you are educated in perceiving the ramifications of social behavior on the economic situation. That's more of a generalized way of thinking than understanding the individual and what makes them tick (or not). 

Other than all that, I hope you find what you are looking for.

 
Reply by Past Member, on Thu Mar 19, 2015 4:45 pm
Zywie wrote:

Savannah, I agree, the poem is yucky.  Probably would get an A in English lit for compostion, etc.  But the subject matter leaves much to be desired; even if it is factual. Also agree, if that is how one sees themselves it is how others will see them. I am responding here because I am hoping his rebuttal does not stop you from posting and commenting. You are a very insightful young woman and I know you meant to help.

As for you, Mr. dweide, you are a man of two faces, as you seem to be depicting in your latest dp. And yes, I was referring to what you said about "normal women" in your original post.  You implied in your first post and in a later post (even though I do not wish to have the term applied to me) that women with ostomies are not normal. I was not lecturing you, I was stating my opinion.  I read how you love life and I also read how you hate it.  The results from this surgery tend to send even the strongest for a loop. Savannah was making her observations based on your poem  - which does not depict a happy person. You're allowed to be angry and say whatever you want. But it doesn't give you the right to jump down peoples throats for stating their opinion.  Because you saw active duty makes you a better person than others?  Or more knowledgable?  Or we are suppose to accept what you say without feedback?  Enlighten me.  Did you volunteer or were you drafted ?  And, moreover, explain what any of that has to do with coping with an ostomy?  We've all been through/are still going through that same battle. Doesn't matter what other battles we've been through or will go through in our lives. If you don't want to hear what others think - then state that in your original post.  Let us know you're just venting and don't want to hear from us. When you come on a forum and say anything you automatically open yourself up for comments and opinions. Someone with a Masters In Social Economics should understand that.  Which, by the way, does not make you an expert or more knowledgeable in social or individual behaviors. Unless I am misunderstanding the term; you are educated in perceiving the ramifications of social behavior on the economic situation. That's more of a generalized way of thinking than understanding the individual and what makes them tick (or not). 

Other than all that, I hope you find what you are looking for.



 
Reply by Savannahmaya, on Thu Mar 19, 2015 5:17 pm

Hey all,

Dweide, I do apologize that my post was of no help to you and seemed to anger you. I suppose I did make judments, but to be fair, I do not know you and all I have to go off of is your post, which was asking questions I asumed you wanted answers to. My opinion is not the law, or fact, but it's my truth, it doesn't have to be yours. I totally understand how you feel when you say "can't I just be angry for a while". Of couerse you can! However, I don't think you'll care that I agree with you on that, and you certainly don't need my permission to feel the way you feel. I was only trying to help, maybe bring your attention to a point you hadn't realized. I was not trying to belittle you in any way. So for that, I am sorry my post offended you.

 

Zywie, Thank you for the encouragment. It means alot:) I do realize that posting online with no other backgroud informatoin can lead to things being missinterpereted. I had no ill intentions. I think sometimes all people need is someone to reach out to them, and just the possiblilty that I could've been that person makes me okay with my decision to reply. Clearly I was not, but oh well. You never know. I think a place like this should be a safe environment for people to share their journeys and feelings. So of course it doesn't feel good to read such hurtful accusations, but I missinturpereted his posts just as much as me missinterperated mine I suppose. I was deffinitly not trying to judge or insinuate that I was better or knew oh so much. But it's all good, people have the right to be angry if they want to be. Really, though, I do apprecaite the support and love reading what you've got to say! I can't send messages since I am not a full member, but if ever you want to talk more I'd be more than happy to listen!

I do hope today is at least bearable for you both.

-Savannah

 
Reply by LadyHope, on Thu Mar 19, 2015 5:56 pm

Hi everyone, I appreciate everyone's insight too.  It really helps - thank you.  LH

 
Reply by moonshine, on Wed May 06, 2015 2:26 am

I too have a hard time with 'normal girls'........quite frankly i think normal is boring,,,,,,,,,i do however think women are special.....you know the weaker of the two sexes,..........we are not that hard to figure out...........just always say yes....you know were gonna change our mind in about 20 minutes.........then we feel bad that you gave us our way while we were thinking selfishly........and BAM.........the tables turn, and we let you have your way to somehow make us feel better about doing something nice for our man.....and oh btw - even when we are wrong.......we are 'right'.....but think of the rewards..........we will cook, clean take care of the kids,,,,just because that is what we do.....

am i crazy or way to old school

 

 
Reply by johnmckenna, on Tue May 19, 2015 7:15 pm

Possibly a bit late, but as a non-ostomate who is dating a girl with an ostomy, I would just like to say that there are those of us out there that it really isn't an issue for. 
I was told, I believe, before our first date... we had been chatting online for maybe 7 days before our first date... she was nervous as hell to tell me, and had been hurt before by rejection as a result of the stoma. I didn't know much about it from before, so I did some research online... reason simply being that I wanted to make sure that I didn't end up cooking something that she couldn't eat etc (like I said, really had no prior knowledge)... it never once crossed my mind once that the bag would stop me from being with her, though it crossed hers several times the first couple of months, I think even now, she at times is a bit selfconcious about it. 
I love that girl so much, and I will do my best to make sure she understands how amazing she is. I also don't doubt that there is someone female out there that will do the same for you.

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