Rejected for ostomy - seeking support and shared experiences

Write anytime; I feel your pain. It will get better, you seem sweet, sincere, and you look nice. Take care.

Thanks so much for all of these wonderful responses! I haven't been online for a while, so I am just now reading them. Some very sage advice there, and I thank you all for taking the time to write and reply with your personal experiences. Perhaps one day I will venture out again, but right now I think I am best hanging with my ostomy friends!! Thanks again!!!

Write me at

Who is this lol? The one who asked to be friends - Sure I'd be friends with just about anyone. Thanks for writing.

Hi Tom,

Thanks for contacting me, but the admin wouldn't let your email address through. I'd love to contact you. I am not a full member yet, but I may do that sometime.

Thanks for writing,

Wendy

Hi Rene,

Charleston guy here. Would love to chat sometime if you want to.

Hi Rene,

That's great. Tomorrow works for me too.

It's not just partners that dump you when told about an ostomy. I had the same hairdresser for years until after I had my op. When I returned to the salon, she asked me how my op had gone - at this point, she didn't know what the op was for. I told her, and her response was one of horror followed by lots of whispering in the back room among the staff.

The next time I phoned to make an appointment for any day the following week, 'no one was available' even though it wasn't the business of salons.

I took my custom elsewhere - their loss.

Hi Brown eyed Girl :) This is Tom, thank you for writing, sorry we can't connect; perhaps there is another way :)

Any ideas?

Hi again, perhaps we may meet up online; maybe we can pick a time - say tomorrow at 5 PM Central Standard Time?

Sorry, I missed you!

Sincerely,

Tom

Hi Nini79,

I'm just 7 weeks post-op and have been thinking about dating again. And yeah, when is the right time to tell your date? I can see both sides of the fence on this one. I'm 55 and have had a quad heart bypass before my APR. I would like to think the mature/older the person, the easier the choice of disclosure would be. I also think acceptance would be more difficult for males than females. Anyway, if you figure it out, let me know!

Sorry I missed you; been hiking, mountain climbing, and running in Coeur D'Alene ID without internet for the past three weeks. Hope all is well. Self-confidence is the key and more so, I believe you create your own reality, ok?

Sincerely,

Tom

I'm not sure, sure. LOL

Hey Wendy,

Sorry for being so late posting here, this is the first time I've seen it. I'm sorry for what you went through. I kinda went through something similar. After my initial surgery and extended hospital stay, my ex, who had previously left, sent me divorce papers. I, being upset with what all went down, held out to make her mad. Anyway, I came to my senses and went ahead and granted her the divorce.

But as for dating, it's been since 2008, and I'm still not dating. I guess I can't get around the fact of crapping in my lap and asking a woman to go out....lol. I get lonely at times, wishing I had someone to carry on with and have fun with, but I'm just too used to doing it this way, I suppose. Maybe there's a little fear of rejection because of the bag...

I don't know, maybe one day I'll figure it out. How are you doing nowadays with dating? Has it gotten any better? I need some hope...lol!

Hope all is well here! Have a good day, folks!

Lewis

Hi there....my name is Eamon.

I cannot bring myself to get into the non-osteo dating game. I would love to write and chat..

Get in touch, we can chat..??

Eamon

Hi, I am Milton and I am a bag man myself. I have not looked for a date since I got my bag. I just wanted to say he sounded like a jerk in the first place. Please keep looking. If you give up, you lose. A real man will come around who understands and is not just looking for one thing. Don't let it get to you. Hahaha, wow did that sound dumb, lol. How many times has someone told me that? Oh well, the main thing is to keep looking. He is out there.

Well hello there, you're my first person to ever talk to on here. I have been with a bag for a year now and not one person to talk to. It's hard to talk to anyone about it because they don't understand. And thanks for replying back to me, I'm glad you did. I hope soon to talk to someone that is the same as I am. That would be awesome knowing that they understand what I'm saying. Anyway, I hope you're having a great day yourself.

Heyyyy, glad you got back to me. Like I said, you're the first person I have talked to on here. My day is going okay. It's raining here today, something we needed so bad. Hope you're having a great day. That is, if we can have a great day. Haven't had one of them in a long, long time. No, I am not a stalker. Don't know what I'd do with you if I had you, lol. I am just a man who has worked hard all of his life to face this stuff all by myself at my age. Never saw it coming. I guess I am talking my head off. Just so happy to talk to someone that can relate.

Well, if you're talking to me, lol. We could come on at anytime you want as long as it's before 10 pm. Just let me know. I'd love to talk. Ty's

Ok, I think I'm getting this now, lol. It's 6:15 pm here. Just give me a time anytime you want.

Sounds good. Have a good night.

Hi there Rene. I'm back in wet and windy Ireland again!!

My brain is still in San Francisco...and my heart. I was in Reno Tahoe 2 weeks ago.

Eamon.

Hey Joe, sorry I can't reply to your message. I am not a full member yet, you see. Wanna see what the site is all about? Haha.

Dear Brown Eye Lady

I'm learning that the problem isn't the ileostomy as much as it's not easy to meet people unless you try online dating. It's awkward enough to meet people online. For whatever reason, I feel that it would be wrong for me to start dating someone without them knowing I have an ostomy. Which is a hard thing to mention before you even get to know someone. I've been struggling with getting back into the dating scene so I can meet someone to spend the rest of my life with. But I'm putting too much stress on myself before I even try. I'm still the same guy who had my ups and downs after my Crohn's disease was diagnosed at 19 years old. My passion is being in a loving relationship and not letting the ileostomy, Crohn's, or any other complications identify who I am as a person. Yes, it's a big part of my life and it's definitely harder to meet people to date at 58 years young.

Unfortunately, there are people out there who think having the high school quarterback or prom queen is what a loving relationship is all about. Most likely, I'm going to run into people who won't want to date me after I let them know about my Crohn's disease and permanent ileostomy. And I'm sure it will disappoint and upset me.

But after reading your message, I feel if someone is going to be so shallow before they even got to know you, then you're the one who lucked out. It's been just over two years since I ended a relationship after 14 years. I joined this site to see if I could meet people who had an ostomy in the Chicago, IL area. But there aren't that many people in my area close to my age. I'm like you, a brown-eyed guy looking for my brown-eyed girl.

I moved out of my house when I was 18 years young. Up until two years ago, I was always in a relationship. My Crohn's disease was an obstacle for me regarding getting married. It was important to me not to get married until my Crohn's was under control. The next 15 years, I spent two months each year either in the hospital or recovering from surgery. Three of my operations, I didn't have insurance coverage for pre-existing conditions.

I didn't think it would be responsible to get married and have kids without being able to provide for my family. As of six months ago, my Crohn's is under control. People who know me, I'm either swimming, snorkeling, or golfing.

Please know that you have given me that additional courage to go out and try online dating sites other than this Ostomy General Information dating site. My first choice would be to meet someone from this site where we can support each other. But I know there are people out there who want to connect souls and share a chemistry.

The only concern is where to start?

Thank you and the people on this general chat site. If anyone has any additional tips other than internet dating sites, I did join this site to learn and hopefully meet some new friends and maybe a potential partner for life.

I would greatly welcome the advice.

FreddyBoy

Hello and I appreciate the effort to pair people together. But I want to clear up any confusion. I wasn't dropped by a guy or a woman. I left my girlfriend of 14 years because she started to tell me that I can't be friends with people that she didn't like. And she was going through my cell phone to see who I was friends with. She wanted me to stop being friends with my grade school buddies. She cancelled any plans and pushed everyone away.

She couldn't handle my health issues and the relationship was such that I needed to give up on trying to find work. I left her when my friends offered to help me move versus not having a life stuck at home. I still love her but I needed to have a social life.

I would love your help to meet someone to share a life with based on supporting each other and making a life together while we try to lead a normal life. I miss having a loving partner. Any help in meeting someone would be an amazing gift. I believe living is giving.

All the best and I hope to hear back from you. I'm a fun-loving guy with a great sense of humor. And I really miss having a partner who likes and shares and supports living together with a life based on happiness and the support of growing nature. Thank you again for what you do. I think it's fabulous that you're helping other people who have had a difficult life with health issues that made it difficult to feel confident in dating. Hopefully, I can overcome my own self-imposed issues related to tapping lost so my confidence due to a physical change.

OMG, she seems insane!!!!! She was probably making a hitlist of your mates so only she could have you muhahahahaha!!!

Well, it doesn't sound like that was a healthy relationship at all. I'm in the same situation, newly divorced and struggling with dating in today's world. I recently met a young lady that said something I don't think I'll ever forget. She told me that I should view the bag as a barometer that measures a person's character. She went on to say that most people don't find out until they are all the way into the relationship that the person isn't worthy of them and this will help weed out the ones who aren't. I thought that was pretty insightful.

Hi Vanessa

Can you provide more information on the corsets please? I have been thinking about making something that's pretty and covers it all up

I agree with Redondo. I have had my ileostomy for 35 years. My divorce had nothing to do with my surgery, it was not an issue. I learned how to camouflage it and still feel sexy. When I started dating, I too, wondered when to tell them. I don't think you need to tell someone up front. Not until you get to know them and discover if you are even interested in them, and if there is chemistry. They also need to get to know you. After you discover you both are interested, then you can tell them. I have had nothing but positive experiences. In fact, it was the men who helped me heal being self-conscious and feeling unworthy. There are compassionate men out there.