When to Give an Opinion

hi everyone I could use some of your sensible input.

i just came back from visiting a friend in North Carolina. She was treated for lung cancer ( very slow growing) she now has COPD and emphazema and using oxygen pretty much 24/7 I felt some of the usage was more out of fear than actual need. She has a friend and family taking care of her, and here is the rub. From what I observed I think they mean well but are doing too much. She is weak I feel in part because she just sits on the couch all day being waited on. I feel if they let her or insisted that she get up move around and attempted some small tasks her stamina and energy would slowly increase. My question is, as a friend who isn't daily involved( I live in fla.)could or should I put fourth this idea to those involved in her care. I feel strongly that she is giving up and just waiting for the end. She was always an extremely independent individual who never married and took care of herself and others. I am really struggling with this and need help. Can you kill someone with kindness?

look forward to feedback

rosiesmom

Hi Rosiesmom,That is a good question...and one that I had to ponder for a while. It sounds like your friend's family members have good intentions by taking care of every task your friend used to do. But as the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Your friend ;may also be very depressed and mentally not able to function because of the cancer and prognosis. She may need some strong encouragement to keep going. I may consider saying something to her and ;caregivers as diplomatically as possible. The caregivers may not even recognize that they are taking over and helping too much. And, your friend may think that this is her role now...the ;sick person. Between today and the last day there are precious days in between that can be lived and lived well. I would focus on living one day at a time. Today is all we really have. Carpe Diem. Take care Rosiesmom and good luck. This is a bit of a slippery slope.LH

Hello Rosiesmom.

It's no wonder that you are mulling this over and wondering what is best for you to do as these sorts of situations throw up all kinds of practical, psychological, social and emotional dilemmas.  You do not say if you formed an opinion about whether your friend was 'contented' ( I avoid the term 'happy') with this very difficult situation.  Sometimes these circumstances find their own way of settling into a routine where each plays a part and takes responsibility for thier own actions within the difficult scenario.  Someone visiting may well be able to see a different perspective partly because they have not been part of the dynamic when the situation and relationships gradually emerged between the 'players'. Making comments in these circumstances 'can' be viewed as 'interference' from people who do not truly 'understand'.  Sometimes the carers are under enormous pressure (even if this is just emotional) and the slightest criticism could be a trigger that would make them withdraw or at least start to feel resentful about other people's views. Similarly, with the person that is being cared for, especially if they have been independent in the past and no find themselves dependent on others.  They will have very mixed emotions about this and no doubt they have also contemplated the sort of things that are going throguh your own mind. However, the fact that they are now in this new relationship means that they are making choices based on the very practical and pragmatic set of circumstances they find themselves in.  It may not be ideal but 'if it works - don't fix it!'  I have found that in these situations a good appraoch is not to imply any criticism but to praise what is being done and appreciate the circumstances in which they all find themselves. This way I can offer to 'help' in ways that they are not already involved in. (like taking the person out occasionally or talking to them about how 'I' can make a positive difference in their lives - if 'they' would like me to!!)  Of course I have the added advantage of being able to encourage people to talk about how they 'feel' and can put that into rhyming verse. So I can contribute in ways that alter the emotional dynamics without entering into making judgements about what others are doing in the same situation.

I don't know if this is of any help - but you did ask for opinions so I'm trying to oblige. Best wishes Bill   

Thank you .l.h. And Bill for your kind and insightful replies. I do think that all those involved have taken on 'roles' patient , caregiver. The main carer is a woman who lives alone and helps not only my friend but will happily tell you she is the carer for a couple of others in the neighborhood. She has no family, and I think she gets some emotional satisfaction out of feeling needed.Am i grateful that she is there, absoloutely. I used to look out for my friend when she was sick or when she had shingles and we were neighbourd before she moved back to N.C. The difference was that my time was limited because I had a husband. And family.therefore she had to do for herself. Granted these illnesses were not as seriose as this.i do feel that she has become content to just let others take over.Bill, I do agree wholeheartedly that whatever I deside will take my very best pair of kid gloves. Thanks again for the advise. I am so glad I found ostomates. You all rock.

rosiesmom

They need to let her do things for herself. This happened to my mother and she wasn't even that sick. Stayed in bed almost 24/7 watching TV. Did this for 3 years, died of COPD and lung cancer 3 months after she was diagnosed. I am now living with a 93 year old woman as a companion but only because she didn't want to live with any of her kids or go in a nursing home. The woman still takes care of herself and tries to do things around the house. I ask if she needs help but only once. If she refuses my help I just watch her vacuum or dust or whatever she wants to do. I feel this is what has gotten this woman to the wonderful age of 93. However, I do have to add, if she has really given up - nothing is going to make her do anything.

Hi Rosiesmom All,

I read your post, and others' replies, and understand your hesitancy to interfere. It sounds like your friend has a good support system, but while they may be well intentioned, they may be doing too much.First, I'd talk to your friend, about her expectations her fears. From the many times I've had medical complications, I've had to differentiate between , not being able to do something, and being afraid to do something, for fear that I couldn't . Reliance on others becomes habitual, if you don't set goals for yourself, or if you lose faith. After talking to your friend, I'd assess what things you think she could do for herself, and then have a private talk with here care givers. You don't want to step on toes, when you''re just a visitor.But if you think she could get up, and get herself a glass of water, or make a cup of coffee or tea,then suggest to her caregivers that they assist her in doing things for herself,rather than "doing it", or letting her "sink or swim".I'm thinking in terms of physical therapy, where the therapist, explains or assists you in the "action" and then leaves you to do it yourself. I would also see if there is a life style therapist she could see, to help her get more motivated to do as much as she can, for herself.It takes a lot of love and concern, to step back, and let someone do for themselves.She's lucky to have such good friends.