A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for
my wife, Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the but ton AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that
bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the
while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, '
don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, a nd . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there
is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-*!*!*, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know
for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for
my wife, Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the but ton AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that
bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the
while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, '
don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, a nd . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there
is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-*!*!*, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know
for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
