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Cancer dumping

Welcome to MeetAnOstoMate
17,271 Members
Posted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 10:22 pm

 Just out of curiosity, how many of the folks in here were dumped within a year of your diagnosis?

Posted: Sat Mar 05, 2016 9:08 pm

I wasn't. Still happily wed after 31 years and three bouts of cancer.  Two colon and one cervical.   

However, I have many friends that were left because their partner couldn't handle the "in sickness and in health" part of their vows.  Most were within that first year.  Thinking about it, I'm not even sure if they were all married or not so maybe there was no vow.  

I still try to wrap my head around dumping someone whose life took a turn (through no fault of their own) and the partner couldn't handle it.  

 

  Past Member
Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2016 12:39 pm

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2009 and had two recurrences soon after.  My husband was great during that time - very supportive, went with me to appointments, looked after me following the surgeries.  After that last diagnosis in 2011 (exactly 5 years ago last week) it was different.  Seeing me go through just two cycles of chemo and the complications from that (9 days in hospital), the fourth surgery and resulting colostomy, and then recuperation following?  He emotionally and physically pulled away almost immediately.  He had no patience for medical appointments anymore and got frustrated when I didn't feel well enough to go out.  He refused to talk about any of it and intimacy went by the wayside.  We went to a sexuality counsellor but my husband wouldn't try anything to get the spark back.  Being a "nice" guy, he didn't dump me but our relationship changed to pretty much just roommates.  I was the one who asked him to leave. After 17 years together, I told him I was done.

This is more common than I thought.  I have several friends I've met through support groups etc who have split with their spouse after being diagnosed with cancer.  They asked their spouse to leave because they weren't receiving the support they needed during such a difficult time.  The survivors who were the strong, reliable partner in their marriage were seeing they couldn't depend on their spouse now that they were the ones needing support.

In my case, was incredibly angry and hurt and felt let down when he pulled away.  It was tough to go from a loving couple with a "normal" life to patient/caregiver and then back to normal.  The new normal never happened.  I don't think he could handle seeing me almost die, vomiting etc, emaciated from chemo and then look at me the same way again.  I still feel resentment sometimes, like he didn't want me now that I'm "damaged goods" but try and remember that some people aren't capable of dealing with cancer - during or after the diagnosis.  He got me through it and I'm grateful for that.  

Now, I'm facing a possible recurrence but my support system is different.  Instead of a spouse, I may be relying on family members, friends, and people in my support group.  It sucks that our marriage ended.  It gets lonely.  Surrounding myself with a wider support system is helping though.

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2016 1:54 am

 First of all I have to say that the messaging system on the site is one of the worst I've ever seen. I have now taken to writing my messages on another system and making a copy paste.

Wow, that's a lot of pain and suffering to go through, as if the cancer was not enough. I'm pretty sure my spouse was done with me before the diognosis. She stayed with me and put on a good show during treatment but there was a coldness that was unmistakable. Right now she will only speak to me via text or email. She refuses to communicate face-to-face. This is making the mediation process extremely hard. The pain and rejection and realization that her love for me is gone is incredibly painful. The fear that I will live the rest of my life alone is huge and very likely. I don't know if she has found someone else already or not. It doesn't matter it's past the point of no return and it is time to move on. I am very fortunate to have very good friends that love me and do let me know it. A few of them have offered to take me into their own homes but I can't do anything until the mediation process is complete. I feel like a mouse being played with by a cat.

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2016 10:27 pm

My husband left me about 10 weeks into my chemo treatments, two weeks after my hair loss. No words were ever spoken as he refused to answer any of my questions.  It was like he was in denial and I can only assume it was too much for him to handle. Just because I lost my hair doesn't mean I changed as a person.  Do your best Phil to hang in there and stay strong.  I believe that with a positive outlook good things are in store for you!

  Past Member
Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2016 2:21 am

Phil Devoid---apparently being dumped is rather common...and extremely sad.  "For Better or For Worse" just doesn't seem to mean the same thing to everyone.  I have been EXTREMELY LUCKY AND BLESSED.  Married 35 years to a MAGIC MAN.  He has tolerated my inability to accept the rape of my body, the disolution of my self esteem, and the devastation of my soul---all the while telling me how much he loves me.  He has done all those unthinkable things (like cleaning the walls, floors, furniture and carpets at 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 in the morning when it seemed all I could do was wallow in self pity. He has known when to cajole me into action, and when to leave me alone to absorb the situation.   He gently coerced me into living again, learning all over how to have a viable relationship with me in such an altered state both physically and emotionally.  He has reminded me how to laugh and dream again.   I was always the strong minded (read stubborn) one in our relationship, and it has taken me 18 months to accept the fact that HE accepts me, and LOVES me as I am, no matter how that is.  He is a talented chef of 42 years, and he re learned to cook new and different things, better for me but just as delicious as any I've eaten before.  I think that I didn't really know or appreciate how lucky I am until I started reading so many posts of such a sad reaction on the part of so many partners.  I will hope the best hopes, wish the best wishes, and dream the most enjoyable dreams for everyone looking to enjoy the pleasure of a solid relationship, and I will go to bed now beside my husband with a smile on my face and a deep sense of realization of just how lucky I am.  Hang in there.   YOU ARE WORTH THE TROUBLE.  WE ALL ARE.  PEACE 

Posted: Thu May 12, 2016 5:23 pm

im sorry but if a person dumps you because of illness then to me they aint worth bothering apart.. a relationships consists of ups and downs.. if they cant handle it at the lowest why should they have you at your very best?

Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2016 1:58 pm

Hi everyone,

It is sad to hear how many people split with their mate after health problems, just when they need care/support and love the most. I had my surgery due to Ulcerative Colitis about 10years ago and I am doing as well as can be expected, I guess. My wife is supportive and understanding, but there has been no sex for a long time. I know we are getting older, but I still miss that part of our relationship. She insists that it has nothing to do with the bag and she has just lost her sex drive. I am not discounting her explanation, but I wonder if it is the whole truth and how honest she is being(posssibly even with herself). I can't help feeling that she could make some attempt to regain the physical part of our relationship. I feel that without sex, life and our relationship is just not the same. This is the one place where I can talk to someone about it, so I am greatful for the opportunity to talk to others about this and other issues. Take care, all the best..Heinrich

Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 10:51 am

Hello Panama,

I live up here in Ohio where it never really gets too hot and humid. I have often wondered what tropical climate does to adhesives.

My son and daughter live in South Carolina. Traveled there this last year and discovered HEAT and Humidity!!!

In the end I used my regular Hollister pouches and mounting device with an adapt ring. My insurance policy was Hypa-fix tape.

It's 2 inches wide and stays in place even in the shower. It has "dammed" a few leaks and protects my my skin around the 

mounting device (I call it a flange) I have a mild latex allergy which blisters at the edges of the pouch. I make a box/diamond shaped

frame around the "flange" then attatch the pouch. It works for me. My stoma is not flat, but slightly domed, making a good seal a challenge.

Best regards,

Art aka scootertrash

 

 

 

  Past Member
Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2017 5:09 am

Not cancer, but within 4 months of my diagnoses my ex bf started being awful to me, and eventually became abusive. I was too busy trying to survive to wait on him hand and foot so I was "worthless" apparently. Being sick really brings out the true colors in people, it's very eye opening. Karmas a b**** though, it'll get him one day lol

Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 3:59 am

 

I can totally relate. I was married for 14 years and was suddenly diagnosed with bladder cancer. It was 3 weeks from the time I was diagnosed to the day I had my urostomy surgery. My life was flipped upside down and my head was spinning trying to wrap my mind around what was happening to me. I went through 6 rounds of voluntary chemo over 3 months; which was hell. I was off work for 9 months and she left me 3 days before going back to work. I was the giver in the relationship and she was a taker. Seems many relationships are like that with way too many takers and not enough givers in this selfish world. I'm now over 5 years cancer free and I'm way happier without her. Will search for an affectionate warm giver cause two givers of themselves in a relationship I believe is a recipe for success. Who wants to be with someone who won't stand by you through a difficult time?!?! Like MissM said Karmas a B**** and one day the Karma steamroller will roll over her and she'll get a taste of what it's like to be on the receiving end. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

roadrunner cartoons 



Last edited by Uro2011 on Sun Jan 29, 2017 4:06 am; edited 1 time in total
Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 4:32 pm

Kick his Wimpy Ass first chance you get Ms M . He sounds like he embraces the worst qualities of the human animal !!

Karma does have a way of providing payback , one way or another. By the way you are a beautiful lady so frankly he's an idiot and it's his loss.

   Then again people get freaked out by illness and don't know what to do.......they get scared and turn into real pussys just when they need to have courage. Some of it is just a normal human reaction and then again some people are just mean people.....Period !!

Hang in there and keep the faith , there are lots of decent men out there.

Hugs and stay healthy.....Magoo.

 

  Past Member
Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 5:31 am

Thanks for sharing your experiences guys, it's sad that so many of us have experienced such bad treatment during difficult times. I'm just wondering if these ppl think nothing bad will ever happen to them? They are untouchable? It boggles my mind. Well, when they are on their deathbed, hopefully they have a full circle moment and realize what crappy ass human beings they've been. 

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 4:10 pm

Hi MissM, 

To be honest with you I have no idea how these people can sleep at night? We live in a cold and very selfish world where everything is disposable.....including humans, even the one you're supposed to love through good and bad;very sad.....so sorry to hear about your condition because of a prescription drug. I've had a urostomy for 5.5 years now and I adjusted very quickly after surgery. I know our "plumbing" is different but if you have any questions after your surgery I still may be able to help you out Smile 

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