Since I've been newly dumped and new to having a colostomy, can someone tell me please the proper procedure for getting to know that special someone without having them run out of the door screaming.
Do I let them find out on their own and turn it back on them by saying "When were you going to tell me about the false eyelashes?"
Please don't take this seriously. I'm working on new jokes for my comedy routine. Anyway, this place could use some lightening up.
Hello Phil. When you say 'don't take this seriously' it feels like you don't want an answer to your question. However, the question has arisen several times before from people who are seriously looking for answers so I thought I would drop in my contribution just in case others are looking for serious replies.
There is no 'proper procedure' and if it is in your nature to make a joke of it then I'm all for it - we need a bit of a laugh about these things sometimes.
One problem with jokes is that unless the recipient thinks they are funny, they can be just as offputting as the condition being joked about. I wish you well in your search for 'funny' because in my experience That is not always an easy thing to find.
Best wishes
Bill
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I've always told them at the start, never thought having an ostomy is something to hide from anyone, had my ostomy more than half my life never had anyone run screaming when I tell them, only when I take the paper bag off my head lol. Confidence in yourself is the most important thing to make them feel relaxed, no need to go into great detail on why you have it they will ask anything they want to know in their own time.
It's true, I wasn't looking for a serious answer. Fate has dealt me and us all a wicked hand. I'm just not the kind of guy to let adversity win. I will make light of my situation and move on. It's a tough world and getting tougher. I will not lie down as long as I can die in my tracks.
Hi Phil...
Having an ostomy certainly changes how I do things, however, it hasn't changed who I am. My relationship with most people (like colleagues at work or clients) does not include discussion about my ostomy. My approach is to develop relationships with men that interest me and have an interest in me. I do not discuss my ostomy with everyone, therefore I suppose I'm not upfront. It either works out or at worst, doesn't.
Phil, I'm in the same boat. I'm starting to date again. Scared to death. I have to make goals and set up my life in a way that I wish to reach. Plus, I know I have another surgery coming now... one I'm not going to like, dangerous yes, but necessary. I'm going to set up later in life hopefully and live my life the best I can.
This is always an interesting question. I was married at 20 and 18 years later find myself divorced, raising two girls on my own. So when I got my ostomy 14 years ago, I never thought I would be in this situation. Now when I date, I usually don't say anything until there has already been some form of commitment, and I have a read on the other person. That's when I normally guide the conversation and drop the bomb. Very surprisingly, it has never been an issue. It seems that I am more worried about it than they are. My theory has also been, if you're dating me, you're dating me for my heart and mind, the rest is a bonus. Where you may run into a problem is if it's just for what they call a "Netflix and chill" situation. (I had to Google it when I was asked. Lol) Then I would suggest an ostomy may become a little more of a barrier. (Please excuse the spelling, I am on my phone. Lol)
I don't say anything about my bag unless I am in a serious relationship and it's heading for sex. I was newly divorced when I had my surgery back in '94, 34 years old, and I've been in relationships and remarried and divorced again, but it had nothing to do with the bag on my side. If a person stops seeing you because of that, then they weren't worth your time anyway. You are worth more than a bag on your side; it doesn't stop you from living. I'm 54 now and have never had anyone not date me because of a bag on my side.
I'm 38, was married for 18 years. My divorce happened when I got the bag, and I found out she was cheating on me with a married man. Oh well, her loss, my gain. I'm enjoying life, having fun, and getting healthier. She left when I was low, now I'm back. Oh well, so sad. People will either like me for who I am or not like me for who I am.
I'll be honest, what I used to do is date them a few times and see how things generally go. Explain your illness, but don't bring the bag into it just yet. As time goes by, say a few months, then just say you have one due to illness, etc. If they begin to fade away, think to yourself, do you actually want a woman/man like that anyway? If they can't be there for just a small bag, would they be there on your death bed? End of the day, it's personality that makes a woman like you. I think I'll be honest, my body is sooooo bad with a moon-shaped scar and a bag to go with it! Go to the gym to gain confidence and transform yourself. What overpowers your bag mentally and physically, you'll be more confident and overcome the bag like it's nothing whatsoever. I'll be honest, I've been known as a player haha! And I've never once known anyone to be bothered by it. The bigger the problem you make it, the bigger problem they will think it is. Just tell them in total confidence and they will get the impression that it's a small thing. Tell them crying and they will be frightened and likely to run away. Sometimes you have to be arrogant. I'll be honest, I'll pulled a blonde bombshell who everyone looks at in the gym. So if I can do it, what says that you can't do it? Confidence is key. :)
I don't hide the fact that I have an ostomy, and look at the positive, without the operation I'd be somewhere I don't want to be. Furthermore, if the potential friend can't deal with it, I won't waste my time wining and dining her only to find out it was a waste of time and effort. After my operation, an ex GF needed a place to stay, and although she doesn't like the idea of me having an ostomy, she has no choice. And Liam is right, confidence is key. You're welcome to use my theme song: "Simply the Best," even when expressed facetiously.
lol
Ed Maste
