New Ostomy - How I Feel

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Searchingforafriend

Hello everyone. My name is Bobby. I'm fairly new to my ileostomy and very new to this site. I happened upon it as I was searching for something or someone who may can relate to my life and what I'm going through at this time.

I feel that the topic of me wearing a bag is a hush hush area of my life. Something meant to be hidden. Something dirty and undesirable, something that can't possibly be understood by others who don't have my condition.

I have been going it alone even where family is concerned. It's something that I refuse to talk about. I have been a very healthy man all my life. I'm a retired Marine and took pride in my health. My ileostomy didn't come about through illness or disease. I was injured while serving in the war in Iraq.

I feel ashamed of my bag and the fact that I'm now heavily involved in the medical community. I haven't fully accepted myself now as I am. Relationships with family and friends have become extremely strained. A possible future relationship with a woman seems far out of reach and may not ever be obtainable.

I get depressed and frustrated and even angry sometimes. I had to even dress differently and don't do the things I once loved. Sometimes I wake up feeling like it's some kind of very bad dream.

I have come to the realization that I must reach out and get help and what better place than a ostomy group.

I hope to get some kind of relief here and learn some things. There is so much that I don't know or even how to begin. I have so many unanswered questions and seemingly overwhelming doubts and concerns. I have always been a very independent man and solved everything that came at me. I know that I need guidance and direction. I would love to enjoy and love life again.

Thank you for listening, I'm very grateful,

Bobby

Gray Logo for MeetAnOstoMate

Why Join MeetAnOstoMate?

First off, this is a pretty cool site with 33,102 members. Get inside and you will see.

We're not all about ostomy. Everything is being discussed in the forums.

It's a very special community, embracing all ages and backgrounds. People are honest and truly care.

Privacy is very important - the website has many features that are only visible to members.

Create an account and you will be amazed.

Searchingforafriend

It seems that you have to be one of the " In Crowd " on this site to get a response to your post or chat attempt.

Gray Logo for MeetAnOstoMate
Bill

Hello Bobby. Thank you for joining our forum and posting your story. It is interesting the way you came to have a stoma and I am surprised that we have not heard of more servicemen and women that have come to have on by this route. However, what is more interesting is that the emotions you describe are pretty much the same as those that  have been explained by other service personnel when they have come back from combat zones with different life-changing injuries. In that sense you are not alone in your feelings and could probably get help from people who have had similar experiences but lost different parts of their bodies.

With regard to the stoma, that's a whole new experience in itself and does take a bit of getting used to. Talking about it in the open and honest way that you have is a good step towards managing both the stoma and the feelings that accompany it. Another step in the right direction is recognising when something is a problem for you. Once you have ide ntified a problem then you can look to see what needs to be done to sort it out. You appear to be doing both these things in a logical and sensible  way so I am confident that if you stick at it you will soon find the necessary solutions for yourself to manage the practical aspects of life with a stoma. The psychological and emotional side of things can be a bit more tricky trying to do it on your own. there is a limit to what can be done talking about it online like this and the chances are we will only be touching the surface with regard to trying to help. As a serviceman being injured in the field of combat,   Nothing is so compartmentalised in  our minds that we can put all our angst down  to one thing like a stoma or the loss of some other part of the anatomy. Like you have intimated in your post, we may well have lost other things like self-esteem, confidence, the ability to think logically rather than emotionally and, in those circumstances, the mind strives to make sense of things by seeking simple explanations. Unfortunately, the underlying causes of our feelings are sometimes far from simple and need some professional guidance on a regualr basis until we are back on track.

I believe you should be entitled to counselling and support from the armed forces and I would encourage you to seek this out. You will not be the only serviceman or woman to have a stoma from the field of combat and I think it would be good to share your experiences with them as well as us.

As for your comment about having to be part of an 'in crowd' I would like to say that one of the things I had to learn early on about this site is that I have to be patient about getting replies to posts. Not everyone comes on here everyday and many people do not enter into an active communication online, yet they still get something from  the correpondence that others have with each other.

I try to get on here first thing in the morning but cannot always do that because I'm due to go to work early. Another eason for my delay in responding to posts is that if I write a lot on one post, then replies to  other posts get delayed by a day or so. This is in the nature of this sort of corresponding medium, which is why I strongly recommend that you seek more hands-on support as well.

I hope you don't give up on us as I feel sure others will join in the conversation when they can. Also, I think that people such as you have a valuable contribution to make towards helping others adjust in similar circumstances.

I'm off to work now!

Best wishes

Bill  

Searchingforafriend

Thank you Bill, doing my best.

Bobby

veejay

You've done it again Bill.....another brilliant piece of writing.

I do so enjoy your posts.

V.J.

 
Words of Encouragement from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister
Searchingforafriend

I located my eyes out of my home this mornin. This haven't been very good lately.

xnine

"even angry sometimes" I can relate to that. It is good that you realize it when it happens. Counselling and time will help. I am two years postop and still have moments where I feel it coming but have control now. Do seek profesional help. You do seem to have many things going on and you can not do it yourself. Just my observation.

iMacG5

Hi Bobby.  IMHO, anyone who has posted on this site immediately became one of the “In Crowd” of MAO.  I think one of the reasons replies aren’t immediate is because the folks here really want to help and not just throw out platitudes or superficial suggestions of caring.  Every one of us ostomates knows what it’s like to be an ostomate.  Not many of us know what it’s like after military combat.  Please accept my sincere gratitude for your service.  I thank you also for posting here and trusting, or at least hoping, for some helpful replies.  

I’m an old guy now, didn’t get into the Air Force Academy despite my best efforts, so I’m not a vet.  I am an ostomate.  I have been depressed, anxious, angry and bogged down with all those rotten feelings that come with this sack of crap on my belly.  But you know what?  These kind, caring, wise, experienced folks on this site helped me tremendously by “listening” to me and offering their understanding when possible and compassion, always.

Stay with us and don’t stop writing.

Respectfully,

Mike

 

Searchingforafriend

Hi mike, very good to hear from you! ;I just received your email and don't have a moment to go through it yet but will in just a bit.

I very much want to be make a connection with you. I feel that wull learn a few learns or thigh from you brother.

Thank you very much,

Bobby

Pooter

Is this the Bobby from Inspire.

iMacG5

OK SFAF, you need to come clean.  Looks like a bunch of folks on another forum think you're the guy they thought had passed.  We're loaded with empathy, sympathy, forgiveness, all kinds of understanding and whatever else a person might need.  We really need to know, Bobby, if you are the same Bobby.  I think you get it.  Help us get it.

Mike

charann52

WARNING – BEWARE OF THIS PERSON

This is a warning regarding "Bobby" who posts under the names "looking forafriend" and "marine mgst"

I just wanted to let everyone here know that Bobby was a member of the ostomy support group at Inspire.com. He was around for a year or two then disappeared a few months ago, telling everyone he was dying of cancer and letting us all think he was dead. It was just a fluke that I happened upon one of his posts here and am really grateful that I am able to provide closure for all the folks over at Inspire have been mourning his supposed passing.

This was a pretty mean and despicable thing he did and he doesn't really deserve any friendship or support from anyone.

Sandywr

Charann52... Thanks for posting this. I am from Inspire and we cannot believe how this can person deceived us. Do not believe anything he writes.

Bill

Hello charann52.

Thank you for your informative post and if you are right about this person, then I can understand the feelings of those people whom he would have left behind in the wake of his deceit. However, you do not explain how you know for sure that these people are one and the same person.

If he is not the same person then what does it say about us that we would ostracise him for his behaviour?

I spent most of my working life trying to help people who were habitual liars, cheats, theives and fraudsters (I'm not just talking about the politicians) and what I found was that they often needed more help than those people who had found more morally acceptable ways to get along with their fellow human beings.

In the mental health profession these people are often labelled as having a 'personality disorder' of one sort or another. A condition that in the UK has now been recognised as a mental 'illness'. It would be my contention that they also need help for this condition. Perhaps not on this site, or from the people who are trying to help their fellow stoma sufferers, but nonetheless, they have some pretty obvious problems that need adressing in a different context if they are to be encouraged to take part in society as normal participants, rather than abnormal rejects.  Sometimes, it is their desparate need to be accepted by others that they make up stories about themselves and their conditions as this seems to be the only way they can attract and cash in on the empathy, sympathy and compassion that people show to those who suffer. The problem is that mental health issues are often hidden from view and do not attract these same responses from other people, so some individuals feel the need to invent conditions that will give them the responses that they need from others.

From a personal and professional point of view, I think that these people do need help and support - but maybe they should seek it from people more able to give it than people who are trying to help but are not addressing the real issues.

Just a thought!

Best wishes

Bill

charann52

Hi Bill:

Several people from Inspire have dropped over here to take a look at what I found and we all agree that this is one and the same person. He is not particularly original in his portrayals - in all of them he states he is a 52 year old divorced man with three children. He says he was injured while fighting the war in Iraq and retired from the Marine Corps because of his injuries. He has never been shy about posting photos of himself and the ones from his two accounts here match the ones he posted in his account over at Inspire. He was very active over at Inspire as he has tried to be here, however, he is not a brand new ostomate as he is trying to tell you. He has been around Inspire for at least a year and he also opened an account here at Meet an Ostomate last year as I mentioned earlier. I know this because one of the Inspire people who replied to one of Bobby's postings suggested to him that he open an account here and he did. I read that posting and also followed the suggestion of this Inspire teammate which is how I discovered Bobby's duplicity. My email sends me the latest postings from Meet an Ostomate and there was a certain familiarity about the writing style in this posting and as I investigated further it was apparent to me that this Bobby was the same person that told us 6 months ago that he was dying. We all agree he has mental issues because his behavior does not reflect that of a "rational" person and I agree with you that most people in an ostomy forum are not qualified to help him with his mental issues.

Many people at Inspire got emotionally involved with Bobby and his betrayal was very difficult for them. I, myself, was not particularly close to him although I was well acquainted with his on-line persona and did have some communication with him.

My intention here was to share this information so the people here know what they are dealing with and to spare them from experiencing the same heartache as ;the folks at Inspire. You can all take this information and use it any way you wish.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

Charann.

mild_mannered_super_hero

thank you for sharing this important info with our members. nbsp

ron in mich

hi all he is also active on UOAA.org site under the name bobby.

Sandywr

yes, he is the same person - the same picture. We all befriended him,He deceived us. Just be careful of him.

Bill

Hello charann52.

Thank you so much for the more detailed account of Bobby, lookingforafriend and marine mgst. It is this sort of information that is helpful for the good people who contribute to meetanostomate to decide whether or not to continue corresponding with this individual man (or woman - who knows on the net?) or indedd whether they should spend their time showing him how resentful they are about his behaviour towards them.

The point about doing anything other than exposing this contributor for what he has done is that the more correspondence that takes place, the more attention this person is receiving. One could postulate that this is precisely what they want. It matters not whether it is empathetic, sympathetic or downright abusive to him - it is, in essence, 'attention'. If this sort of behaviour touches your emotional buttons, then it might be far more productive to focus on answering the posts of more genuine and less decietful contributers. this way your time and energy will be percieved to be well-spent rather than 'wasted'.

If you see that I continue to correspond with him in all his forms, I hope that you will understand that I have a completely different perspective on the very real problems he has and I believe that he needs help. Hopefully he will seek that help from a different source, which will be able to help him with the underlying causes of the problem,s rather than the superficial presentations he contributes to sites such as this. 

People who are so desparate for attention, who then get rejected time and again by almost everyone who finds out that they are primarily looking for attention, are often the same people who eventually commit suicide bacuase the rejection becomes too much. I would not like to see the good people on this site become involved in vitriolic abuse of this man because it probably will not help him or them and I feel sure that they would not want to be a part of the pressure that may push him to the edge and maybe beyond.

Poor mental health can be an illness just as debilitating as having a stoma so I would urge you to simply stop the correspondence rather than feed into it.

Just another thought!!

Best wishes

Bill  

three

Well said Bill mdash; any manifestation of clarity is refreshing.

charann52

I totally agree with what you say. I notice he has since opened another account here with a similar name and it is blatantly obvious this is him. I'm sure he is happily feeding off all the attention but sadly for him, my participation has come to an end. I have done what I set out to do and that was to warn others about becoming emotionally involved with this person. His account over at Inspire has been closed although I know that does not prevent him from opening another but after this experience our members are likely to be more careful. We are all very disappointed but are all ready to move on and leave Bobby in the dust.

I really wish him no ill will and do hope he seeks professional help. If he reaches out to you for assistance and you want to help him you should do so as you appear to have some expertise in this area.

Thank you so much for your input here. I can see you are a valued friend to many here at Meet an Ostomate.

As an afterthought, I will mention that ;it was important for many of our members to have this "venting opportunity" even though it might have been exactly what this person wanted to see.

Bill

Hello charann52. Thanks for your post and I can understand the need for people to vent their feelings. Of course, when it is in these unusual circumstances the venting can feed into the problem.

I do not want to discourage you from posting in future about this person or any other whom you feel might be fraudulent. Indeed, it has been extremely useful to have a rapid expose of these sorts of people so that we don't get too involved.

May I suggest an alternative approach for the venting process when the person concerned is seeking attention. If, after you have put out the initial warning, you start you own forum subject or blog, then the attention is towards you and your post rather than towards the person who wants the attention.

It's a bit like when someone is determined to start arguments. If the people they are goading simply turn away and talk about the process to other like-minded people, then they can vent their feeling to each other, (which tends to be therapeutic) without providing fuel for the argumentative fire.

Personally, I prefer to write a rhyming verse to encapsulate this sort of phenomenon when it affects me emotionally. This way the concept is contained but the feelings are expressed for all to share.

Just another thought

Best wishes

Bill  

charann52

Hi Bill:

I wasn't referring to my "venting" but rather that of some of my Inspire buddies. Even though they may be "fanning the flame" by their actions, they wanted ;Bobby to ;see their "messages". I'm pretty sure they've gotten all of that out of their system and things have ;quietened down over at Inspire and we are all moving on.

Charann

Bill

Hello charann52.

I understand what you are saying and hopefully we can all move on now.

Best wishes

Bill

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